Trying to find the courage to leave.
I approached several topics with DH. The BM "I miss you" text (to which he saw my point), the non-contributing to our marriage...to which he said he has no job and no money.
Last month he promised to divide his time more equally between our home and his parent's home. Recall that he's the sole caregiver for his very ailing parents.
DH and I discussed extensively that we would like to rent our home. (I own this home outright and paid every penny for that. When we got married, we did renovations together that are still partially unfinished. We split the cost. He used money my grandma gave him if you recall that.) I suppose the money doesn't matter. They were marital expenses that we both agreed to.
So fast forward, we decided to turn my home into a rental and as long as we both contributed equally to the work that would require, we would gladly split the monthly rent. Both of us want to live in a warm climate and downsize in home. Yes, he's got obligations right now to his parents but we are getting the appropriate caregivers for them so they can be more independent of us. The skids will get longer visits from DH if he takes a plane to see them. The amount of days would probably come out the same and the cost will be sixes.
Needless to say, the theoretical warm climate home would be financed solely by me. (Can anyone make a quick shout out recommendation here? Now that I am married, can I pay for a house solely and have it be truly mine? Or is it his too by default?) This is a sticking point for DH and I. I have money...he does not. He doesn't have a pot to piss in legally when it comes to my current home. He knows it. And by the way, he's playing the "I'll see you when I decide to talk to you again" card. Child. He's hiding at daddy's house since I called him out on not paying for anything in our marriage. Guess I hurt his little boy feelings.
I am scatter-brained today cause I am upset but I have been listening to his stalling for many months and there have been no real actions he's taken to follow through on the commitments and promises to me. Now he's got his dad's stroke to blame for time and eternity. Trust me, every year we've been together, he has a 'reason' for being broke, defunct etc. 4 years I have allowed it.
Going forward today, I think I should get some hired help to finish my house. I will document my expenses really well. Of course I will have to solely pay for it all.
The step I need a lot of help with is actually having the balls to leave and pursue this dream of a new home in a warm place. I have to find the guts to leave him behind. I do not have the courage right now. I still want him to get on board and do this with me. Even in my 'paradise' I feel lonely thinking of doing it alone and leaving my marriage.
You need to stop allowing him
You need to stop allowing him to walk all over you. If my DH told me he would "See me when he decided to talk to me again" that would be it. I would pack up the remainder of his belongings and drop them at his parents house. He is already staying there 1/2 the time now. They can use the help and he clearly needs to be taken care of. You need to get out of that relationship and find someone who wants to be your partner, not your child.
The thought of selling your home and starting over will be scary but you have nothing but misery to put behind you.
Leave the jerk, sell your home and go retire in the warm weather. Enjoy your life and stop waiting for him to come on board.
"I'll see you when I decide
"I'll see you when I decide to talk to you again" card <- This would be a dealbreaker for me. I have no problem with 'I'm angry/hurt/frustrated and want to calm down before we speak' silences. I have ZERO tolerance refusing to communicate as punishment in a marriage. To me that says he doesn't respect you, and how can he love you if he doesn't respect you. I might not necessarily divorce over it, but I would initiate a separation and possibly therapy.
Therapy we've done...I had
Therapy we've done...I had two shrinks tell me to leave. On our second couple therapy visit, the therapist passed me a note that said "RUN"
Ok, so what's holding you
Ok, so what's holding you back? Fear of being alone? I don't know how old you are, but when my grandma lived alone in FL, she was regularly asked out by men her age and invited to different groups. She's been a widow for just over 20 years, and alone only by choice. I assure you that there are people out there who will value you for yourself.
Now that I am married, can I
Now that I am married, can I pay for a house solely and have it be truly mine? Or is it his too by default?)
You need to see a lawyer to answer this. It depends on the law where you live and are moving.
But, perhaps you should consider moving by yourself. By moving with him you could be digging yourself deeper. Does he plan to work after the move? If so, do you really think it will happen? How will he be able to get the time off from a new job to make those visits you mentioned to the skids? How will he pay for the plane fare?
You've done couples therapy. Maybe try therapy for just you.
Now that I am married, can I
Now that I am married, can I pay for a house solely and have it be truly mine? Or is it his too by default?
You need to see a lawyer to answer this. It depends on the law where you live and are moving.
But, perhaps you should consider moving by yourself. By moving with him you could be digging yourself deeper. Does he plan to work after the move? If so, do you really think it will happen? How will he be able to get the time off from a new job to make those visits you mentioned to the skids? How will he pay for the plane fare?
You've done couples therapy. Maybe try therapy for just you.
Close your eyes and imagine a
Close your eyes and imagine a life either content and happy on your own (what would it look like? a warm climate, a cute little puppy, lots of friends, enough money because you aren't supporting another able bodied adult) or with a new man that contributes to the marriage in every way, emotionally, financially....who is there for you as much as you are there for him, who is honest with you, adores you, treats you like a queen). You will not find either of things if you stay with your current DH.
Now close your eyes and imagine life with DH in a few years (has anything changed? is he contributing or still just taking? Are you now in your new home that you bought, getting divorced and you have to sell it to buy him out? Have you now stayed in the marriage so long that you now have to pay him alimony? For life? Florida has permanent alimony so be really careful not to move there with Dh and get divorced there).....every year that goes by you are on the hook for giving him more of your money if you divorce. Every year that goes by, he will deplete your resources if you stay married) Is this the life you want? Or would you prefer one of the choices above?
Only you can find the strength to make yourself happy in life.
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As someone who is currently sitting alone herself trying to figure out what to do, please stop, find a quiet space alone and answer Icansorelate's questions. What do you want in life? What is your bottom line? Where do you see YOU in 6 months, one year, two years, five years? Can you imagine hanging in there that long? Then you can know what to do from there.
With respect to the legal question, no one on this board is going to be able to give you an answer, as the law is different everywhere. You should invest the money and go talk to a lawyer for an hour. They will give you more peace of mind and information that will help you plan ahead. I know where I live in, your current home isn't 100% safe from a claim by him, and a future joint house certainly wouldn't be. But your area might be different.
(No subject)
stop doing things for DH,
stop doing things for DH, he's playing you.
If you want to move then move, sell the house, pay DH out what he put into the house, take the rest of the cash and simply move. DH has no right on the house unless you are married that with divorce everything is split 50/50...
simply deal with it, take the bull by the horns and get it over and done with, DH is playing you and stringing you along, because of the money