house and money issues
As I have mentioned a lot lately, I am finding that separating my life from DH is best for me. I would be much happier if I could just be back in my home and it was just my home. The backstory is that DH has had a lot of legal issues the last 3 years and while those are mending now, I am still pretty sore about it. He has a free ride with me and expected that his kids SS9 andSS11 would live in my house when they visited. I set that up for them but was quickly burned when I realized I was expected to raise them and be a replacement mom (since DH views BM as such a parental failure). The legal problems, pill popping and partying got worse for DH during this period of time. So I flipped out and told him to find a new living arrangement for the skids and himself when they visit. He was treating me like crap at this point as well so I was done with it. He now visits the skids at his parent's house which is great for me because I don't have to be mom to them or a maid and I also get time to myself.
I want to reclaim a lot of my individuality now. I want my house to be mine again, without the threat of community property/divorce etc.
This is where I need some advice...
My home is mine, outright for over 12 years. DH has never paid a dime into it. HOWEVER, this year we decided to renovate and each put in around $20,000. MY grandmother GAVE DH ALL OF THAT MONEY. (She gifted some inheritance early for tax reasons.) Following him putting $20,000 into the home reno, he wanted to be put on the deed. I said NO, never, as you all advised.
But now we have contention because he's afraid I will divorce him and he'll be out all of that money and I will of course keep my house while he gets kicked out.
I offered him a post-nup to detail that in the event of divorce, I would pay him back the $20K. He refused the post-nup because he thought this meant I intended to divorce him...I was trying to give him some security.
He states that if we were to divorce, he would have no claim over my house and he would just be out in the cold.
Again, I am not filing for divorce at this time. There is a small amount of reno to complete and I am wondering if I should solely pay for it or if we should split the costs since DH lives here. (He doesn't pay insurance or property taxes either. Never has.) If I pay for the rest, I resent DH, don't feel like I'm in a marriage....but more just floating him along while he doesn't work. He's getting free room and board here and that means the money he does have goes for his fun and to BM.
He got an early "inheritance"
He got an early "inheritance" from your grandmother? Weird.
If he wants to shoot himself in the foot by not signing a post nup that would protect him, then so be it. The more you talk about him, the stupider he sounds. He has received a heck of a deal by being married to you. Sex, babysitting, cleaning, money from your family, a nice house... And he threw it all away over drugs and alcohol. Surely you can do better than this moron.
Thanks Cocktail. In your
Thanks Cocktail. In your opinion, should I push for him to sign the post-nup that states I would pay him back the $20,000 or would taking my chances in court do better if it came to that?
This sounds like your own
This sounds like your own little catch-22.
Are there some minimal renovations you can make without spending a lot of money? New paint/curtains/pillows - things like that? - until you decide how to proceed with the complete renovation.
Yes. And I am not strapped
Yes. And I am not strapped for money. DH does not provide me any money so in the financial sense, I don't need him. I just want to cover my legal ass in case we do divorce and he tries to take MY paid for outright home or a portion of it.
But perhaps you can imagine the feeling of paying for everything and having DH living here...pretty unequal.
I just don't appreciate him trying to hold my house over my head because we put in equal money to reno a home that we both live in, he pays nothing into.
Crikey, I'd pay him back the
Crikey, I'd pay him back the 20k NOW!
Wait, the pill popping,
Wait, the pill popping, partying and legal issues got so bad, that you told him to find other living arrangements ONLY during his custody time. :?
He has all those vices, but labels mom a parental failure. :? :? :?
You allowed you grandmother to give someone with all those vices money. :? :? :?
Nope. MY grandma.
Nope. MY grandma.
Or paid the CS he seems to be
Or paid the CS he seems to be running away from
I know that was my goal but I
I know that was my goal but I see it could bite me in the ass in the event of divorce.
I can easily outspend him in court and I feel I have a lot more grounds for divorce etc than he does. That has to be a factor.
Obviously I am just feeling anxious and am trying to separate my life from this person.
How can it be marital
How can it be marital property when I paid for it outright 10 years before I even met the guy? He puts in $20,000 of money MY family gave him and suddenly the house is marital property after 13 months of marriage?
He's lived here about 3
He's lived here about 3 years.
No, no I am only married 13
No, no I am only married 13 MONTHS. I bought my home outright 12 years ago.
He put $20K of HIS money into
He put $20K of HIS money into your home.
You can't got to court and tell a judge that his 20K came from your wealthy grandma who gave the money away in an attempt to cheat the system.
Thanks. You are all great and
Thanks. You are all great and thanks cocktail for pointing out the tax laws. Yup it's all legal and in place for all of us. Not cheating.
I guess from this point forward I will keep meticulous records of what I pay for to finish the house reno and also all details of all that I pay for while DH gets the free ride.
He asked me to show him the property taxes and home insurance. I told him he couldn't afford to even pay half of it but I showed him anyway.
He just stared at the numbers and got really silent. Uh huh.
~smooches Cocktail~ Most
~smooches Cocktail~
Most definitely!
You screwed up. Hindsight is
You screwed up.
Hindsight is always 20-20. OP needs to focus on getting this corrected.
Meh, I use that extra
Meh, I use that extra toothpaste to patch cracks in the plaster. Come to think of it, the blue spots DO look a little strange in the white...
It may not considered
It may not considered cheating legally. There is a provision in the tax code where you can gift $14,000 to an individual. If there was a grandpa he could have gifted $14,000 also. So the poster could have received $28,00 and her spouse could have received $28 000 also. They are under that.
OP, if you have not done so
OP, if you have not done so already, please get an STD check. I'm sure he has sworn that there was no sex; just drugs, alcohol, and rock and roll. Someone that likes to drink to excess and use drugs to excess probably wouldn't let a little thing like a wedding ring get in the way of his good time. If he was flashing your cash when he was out partying, I have no doubt the sack chasers and crack whores came out of the woodwork.
I would not improve the house
I would not improve the house one bit, unless he signed a post nup. If this home is solely in your name (in our state), you would have the value of the home at date of marriage and any appreciation of the property and also improvements thereafter would one-half belong to him, regardless of title. It does not matter who gives you the money either, that is all considered a gift in a settlement, nothing more.
He needs to sign a post nup and if he will not do so (and I am not certain I buy the argument that he is worried about a divorce); and it is not working out...stop letting him build equity in YOUR home and move on from him. Next time, make the man sign a pre nup to protect you which includes appreciation and improvements.
Good luck, you may have a fight ahead of you....
GEt a ball busting lawyer -
GEt a ball busting lawyer - to proof the 20K DH put into the house is actually his part of the rent, believe me no court will demand you paying it back to him, you can proof he free loaded of you for 3 years...
I would be so evil to draw up invoices for rent for the time he lived there......
fine fine over here in Africa it's legal, not so sure about US - thus get a ball busting lawyer.... but to gain my freedom back I will steal borrow beg for that money and pay him to get out of my life, unless he really stops popping pills and parenting his brats