A rather trivial question
OK, so here's the situation. SO and her (3) kids had dinner but I had to head out to work so I got dinner while out. I come back later and all the dirty dishes are piled up in the sink as if they're waiting for me to do tomorrow. SO is in bed and at work all tomorrow.
Would you do the dishes?
I feel like saying something but feel like it's a silly thing to get into an argument over. I resent having to clean up other people's mess. I do it often regardless, but dishes particularly bug me for some reason.
One voice is telling me "just do them to keep the peace" and another is saying "you are not her/their skivvy".
By the way, I have done them in this situation (as in when I haven't contributed to the mess) countless times before and can't remember ever being thanked for it.
Yes, sometimes it's the little things that make my blood boil.
You are the maid. Not good!!
You are the maid. Not good!! I would tell her how you feel.
She might say "I was going to
She might say "I was going to do them". But just raising it after she's had a stressful day at work will push all the wrong buttons.
I wouldn't mind if it was just her dishes. But the kids don't help with chores.
They will stink tomorrow. The dishes I mean, not the kids.
That's the thing. If the kids
That's the thing. If the kids are old enough to do them, I would be mad. 4 dishwashing age people who ate should not leave a big sink of dishes for the one person who didn't.
Nooooooo.
This is a sore spot with me. Dh does not want to teach his kids, 15 and 17, to wash dishes. This drives me nuts.
I would gladly clean up after DH himself. He's hard working in a thousand ways and I would be happy to.
But I'm not cleaning up after 15 and 17 year olds who do nothing. So it turns out I never do dishes anymore because the sink is ALWAYS full of old dishes. It's terrible.
The rules will change, believe me, when older skid turns 18 next year. I will take my house back.
My DH tends to use everything
My DH tends to use everything we own when he gets the munchies and starts baking. Sometimes I complain about it, but I try not to since I read in a marriage article that "keeping score" instead of just doing what needs to be done causes unnneccesary conflict in marriage. It has to be done, no one wants to do it but eventually it will get done. Do you really want to fight over dishes? I think if your SO already had a bad day then maybe you can mention it in the morning AFTER COFFEE. Maybe loading the dish washer before bed can be a skid chore; they don't need to do all of the dishes but every little bit helps.
I wouldn't do it if it
I wouldn't do it if it bothers you. The ugly truth... You teach people how to treat you. If you start cleaning up all the messes, let bitterness build, and keep count, you will end up being treated like the maid and your wife will be resented for something you could have prevented. I'm sure she would rather clean up than have your relationship take a turn for the worse. Good luck!
it also depends on the age of
it also depends on the age of the children. at a certain age, children should be expected to do chores as part of the household, and without being paid.
If it were me, I would not do
If it were me, I would not do them and would grab something to eat everyday while out till they were done. I am a bia that way and I have done it before. This is a constant argument in our house and has gotten better. I am a bia...I can pay the bills with out you and clean, therefore I don't need you. Then I feel bad
But its true I work far more than 40 hours a week and beginning my Masters program I don't have the time to be your house b. But that just isn't dishes, it's everything I pick up after myself so no one has to and I expect the same in return.
^^Yep. Leave them in the
^^Yep. Leave them in the sink, OP.
~smooches Echo~
Because in order for me to
Because in order for me to eat at home, I need clean dishes and pans to cook.
I feel you, epiphany. This is
I feel you, epiphany. This is exactly why I stopped cooking. On the rare occasion the kitchen is nice, I will do so and then I clean up after myself. No one else does.
So how did it turn out for you? What happened next?
Before my husband and I got
Before my husband and I got married, I would constantly get annoyed and angry at things like this. We actually broke up for a couple months after living together for 2 years because it got too much. I realized during our break that we were both bitter and keeping score. Another person here mentioned how keeping score ruins relationships... and it's true. When you're in a relationship with someone with kids, it's hard because you often feel like you're putting more work in. If you broke up, you'd have dishes for 1 to do whereas your partner would have dishes for 4 to do.
My best advice is to stop keeping score. Instead, do the dishes. If SO doesn't notice tomorrow, mention that you noticed she must've had a long day so you did them for her. Say this nicely, not with any sort of annoyance. Do this a few times and watch her start doing things for YOU and cleaning up after YOU too. When she starts, make sure you say "I noticed you did XYZ, thank you, I really appreciate that and it makes me feel so lucky to have someone so helpful in my life."
I started doing more for my husband when we got back together - and I did it all without any resentment. I gave him rides, picked him up his favourite snacks, did his dishes when he forgot, etc. and just kept going until eventually he started noticing and doing things back for me. Our relationship has improved drastically since. If you get annoyed with your SO because of the dishes in the sink, she will get resentful feeling like a burden on you, and it'll be a vicious cycle for you two. Change it around
Just know, if you use this method and she doesn't start reciprocating eventually, she probably isn't the right person for you.
This is really great advice.
This is really great advice. It will work in most marriages where you have 2 decent people with an average amount of flaws. Super great advice.
But most of us come here because we are dealing with parents who have giant blind spots, supernova size blind spots. This leads to great gangly kids all over our houses making enormous messes that eventually we just can't live with.
My 15 year old stepson (whom I adore) just last night came into the living room, "Dad, can you tell me where's a clean glass?"
Dad (answering at the same time as me): "Oh, sure, there is." (Jumps up to help kid)
Me (answering at the same time as DH): "SS, can you wash one yourself?"
You see, at 15 a kid should not be helpless in solving the problem of his own dirty dishes. And, OMG, don't get me started on my SD17.
If I did all the dishes for these kids (and that's what they expect, it wouldn't change), it would not make my marriage better. It would make me insane and exhausted.
See, my understanding of OP is not that he doesn't want to do dishes on occasion for his wife; he does not want to be perpetually picking up after kids who are plenty old enough to do their own. I would happily do my dh's dishes any time. But living with slovenly near-adults is something that will kill a lot of good feelings in a marriage.
But I emphasize your advice really is good and I, for one, will try to keep it in mind more often.
I would say something like
I would say something like "their yours to look after, you don't just get a dog for Christmas" , but then again I am rather direct and straight to the point.
And yes I would most definitely leave them there, no doubt about it, infact I wouldn't have even started in the first place.
Not trivial at all. In fact
Not trivial at all. In fact this is potentially huge. Time to bag it all up and put it on DW's side of the bed. Put a lock on one cabinet door and keep your own supply of clean dishes so that only they are the ones confronted by either cleaning up after themselves of eating off of dirty dishes.
Lather, rinse, repeat.... until it sinks in.