Is this unfair?
Mum and SD are going to a gig on sunday evening. They're staying at a hotel so I said I'd watch the boys (this was booked months ago). However, the boys will be at their dad's until Sunday (usual arrangement) so mum suggested, to make it easier for me, just take the youngest home and the eldest can stay an extra night at dad's so I only have to take one to school on monday (we live closer to youngest's school).
Older SS is protesting and claiming "favouritism" (he doesn't want to stay an extra night at his dad's). But here's the twist - he was excluded from school all this week for disruption and calling one of the teachers a bitch. Bear in mind he is never hostile towards me and is actually very courteous and polite at home.
So this has now made me think, why should I give him something he wants after getting excluded and basically having a week off school?
Not sure what to do for the best. I'm thinking about how older SS will see this as favouritism and whether I and mum should tell him it's connected to his exclusion (although this would be basically saying staying at his dad's is punishment - a bit unorthodox!).
I'm sorry this is wrong and I
I'm sorry this is wrong and I don't even know how to express all the ways it is.
Your thinking using the child's misbehaver as an excuse to exclude him. Yeah he feels favoritism is in play because it is. Your looking for an excuse to make what your doing ok.
Your using his dad's place as punishment. How is that going to work out in the future? Children should want to be home but apparently dad's is that bad that it's punishment. Wow.
If this is just about ease then leave it at that don't tell him it's because he was bad. Your rejecting him. You're saying you're not allowed home. I don't want you. I don't love you.
I can't express this enough but if the children are both suppose to be with you then they should be or neither should. Unless they are ok with it because yeah its favoritism.
I'm sorry again I can't express this well but I feel your wrong and this is going to come back hard. If I were this child I would be extremely hurt and angry.
Punishment aside (that was
Punishment aside (that was just an after thought), the reason his mum wanted to keep him at his dad's another night was that he is closer to the school for the morning (dad never takes them to school, so this would be a one off). So that is the reason she has given him. It's not like we have just excluded him for no reason.
It's not just the exclusion from school that's made me feel like this. He also constantly picks at younger SS. I've told him before to stop doing it as it's causing a lot of tension in the house. So that has made me lose a lot of respect for him. I don't care how nice he is to me, he needs to be a better brother if I'm going to want to do things with them together.
But I take your point about how he sees this.
Another thing to consider is
Another thing to consider is that the CO states that both kids are to be at one place and your making an exception for one and not the other.
CO's are there not just for parents but kids too. Kids should know where they are going to be and when.
We had one time where SO's oldest got so upset because she misunderstood something we said and thought we were leaving the kids at their grandparents when it was dad's weekend. Understandable. She knew she was suppose to be with us. Come to find out the kid keeps a calendar. Can you imagine how heartbreaking it is to think I'm suppose to be here but they don't want me?
You selectively excluding one child for ease. It's understandable but the kids not onboard with it and it doesn't feel like you have a way to help him understand and make it ok. You're not making it something special "OH how amazing you get to have special time all alone with your dad. You lucky man you."
Yes he picks at his younger bother, that's normal. That's why it's our job as parents / step parents to help them learn how to interact well. Siblings fighting is normal in every family and they don't always have the option of some being at dad's instead of mom's nor should they. Again they have to learn how to interact. By just refusing to have the kid around you aren't teaching him anything or correcting the problem.
Also your placing all the blame on him. My sister was annoying as hell even beat the crap out of me but NOOOOOO I was the oldest so it was my fault... Until mom saw the facts that my sister was in the wrong.
SO's kids share a room at our house. We know if they are stuck in there for an extended time they started to bother each other. Yes we can blame them for fighting all we want but it doesn't fix it so what do we do? We get out of the house and go to the park. We ensure that at home they have their own things to do. We make them separate. It's hard in a small apartment but possible.
If your SK's have their own rooms you tell them to go there and stay there. You be the boss. If not then it means one plays in one space the other in another. In our case we have one come to the living room and play while the other stays in the room. Even just having a table between them is enough sometimes even more so when they have their own things "NO that's your sisters so you can't take it and if you do again your going to the corner." If they aren't sharing something they should "well I guess both of you lose the toy" if we don't know who's at fault if we do "You can't play with it anymore because you can't play nice."
Basically your avoiding the problem and in doing so your going to damage your relationship with the kid. What would you do if dad wasn't an option? You'd figure it out.
Sorry, what's a CO? "You're
Sorry, what's a CO?
"You're selectively excluding one child for ease. It's understandable but the kids not onboard with it and it doesn't feel like you have a way to help him understand and make it ok. You're not making it something special "OH how amazing you get to have special time all alone with your dad. You lucky man you.""
I'm not doing it completely for ease. I have done soooo much over the years that has put the kids before my sanity, and all the while people on here are telling me "not your kids, not your problem", so it's frankly confusing. I was actually ready to tell mum that I was OK to have both of them because I did put myself in his shoes and felt bad. But then he got excluded AGAIN, was a nasty little so and so to his brother and all those nice thoughts just withered away.
"Also your placing all the blame on him. My sister was annoying as hell even beat the crap out of me but NOOOOOO I was the oldest so it was my fault... Until mom saw the facts that my sister was in the wrong."
I can assure you this isn't the case here. I am sometimes more aware of what's going on than mum is, and I will tell mum if she puts the blame on the wrong person.
"Basically your avoiding the problem and in doing so your going to damage your relationship with the kid. What would you do if dad wasn't an option? You'd figure it out."
If dad wasn't around that would have probably been a deal breaker for me, because I don't want to be a replacement father. Unfortunately, I have no control over how far dad takes his responsibility as the bio parent.
I guess if the right thing to do is to have them both, then that's what I'll do. Dad can't have them both because he doesn't have a car and can't take youngest to school on monday. I would feel a lot worse if I knew youngest had to miss school so I guess I just have to suck up the rest.
A CO is a custody order that
A CO is a custody order that states whose time it is to have the children.
If there isn't one in place then ignore that piece but you clearly state that the norm is for both children to return on Sunday evening. That the kids know this. That it is being changed and the reason being offered to the child is possibly "You were bad in school so you can't come home like you're suppose to." That really hurts the kid.
It also makes dad the bad guy and sets his home up to be less desirable which is a problem. The child will connect things and what will happen is he never wants to be at his dad's because its punishment. Why would you want to be there alone if you knew it was because you were bad because that's what he will connect and think the next time you need him to stay alone with dad.
Its not your kids not your problem except that you are by choosing to exclude one. The child says he feels favoritism and from what you've expressed there is. You prefer the younger bother you have reasons and less connection to both children over all.
What is your end goal? To continue to alienate the oldest from you or do you want to have some sort of relationship with the child? Your picking a choosing which of your partner's kids you will deal with and the reasons do not seem to be extreme enough for it. The older child annoys you while you like the younger. By doing this you will cause bigger problems and what are you going to say when the boy says "you like x better than me and always have that's why I hate you." He won't use those words exactly but try to see my point.
Its understandable if there is large enough risk but you've entered the home as another adult figure. You've taken the role of helping to raise the children. You are allowed to stop at any point. I'm not saying you can't but to stop caring for oldest while still taking care of the youngest only sets your home up for major issues in the future. Like you said "how would the child feel". What do you want your home to be like. Do you want the oldest to know you don't care because as you push him away he will push you away. It will get worse. He will see that you prefer the youngest and aren't trying to hide it which will cause problems. Their mom will have to explain "well honey step dad just doesn't like you but he does your bother." No reason you tell the kid will make it right to them. They will not understand how their behavior caused it. They will see a man who took sides.
I know I'm taking it to extremes again. I'm saying for your sake either take both children with you or explain to the oldest why he's staying at dad that doesn't include "your being punished for your behavior in school" or "I don't like you because you annoy me and your bother so I'm taking him and not you. He's the better kid after all."
Tell him the truth. Don't come up with some excuse to make it better but try to do the opposite later where the youngest stays alone with dad and you take the oldest.
It's not unusual to separate siblings from time to time to make it easier. It happens naturally in our home where I will take the oldest with me to the store and not the youngest because it's easier but then I turn around and try to do something just me and him.
Try to make staying alone with dad's something special so he want's to do it.
I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear. I'm not trying to say this is your problem and you have to fix it but consider the long term outcome. Like I said what do you want your home to be like and how does your behavior impact that. You can reject one child because it's easier but as I said what are you going to do when he's older. Screaming "You hate me, you always hated me. You like X better and you always have."
Well those are valid points.
Well those are valid points. There has been times where the younger bro has had to do something that the other two didn't. Same with the girl - same cries of unfairness and favouritism (though perhaps not using that specific word). So please don't think that this is a recurrent thing for one child. He has no reason to believe he is being singled out over the long term.
I'm sure this week when he's been having a lie in and days off (because he's excluded from school), the others will have thought how unfair that is. And frankly, it is. He's the one who has been given more than he deserves this week.
I will have them both as you've made me realise that it will probably cause less friction in the long run. But if he lets me down and spoils the day for his brother then I will be carefully planning what to say so he can't play the favouritism card.
" What would you do if dad
" What would you do if dad wasn't an option? You'd figure it out."
Seriously? OP doesn't have to watch either kid. You know, the old 'not my kid, not my problem'.
The BM and the father made these arrangements. Why should OP spend the evening with bickering kids and then get two bickering kids up and race them both off to different schools?
If Dad doesn't want the one boy and Op doesn't want the older boy, meh, it's BM's problem. NOT the OP's. If the father is good with having the older kid and sending the younger back, it's perfectly acceptable.
Any kid suspended from school for a week for calling the teacher a b*tch could use some one on one with one parent or the other. Who cares if the little brat thinks it's punishment? If my kid jacked his jaw that way to a teacher he'd probably have found himself scrubbing school toilets for the week with my blessings.
I wish mum was more proactive
I wish mum was more proactive with following up on these exclusions (it's not the first). She cares and talks a lot with the head teacher, but she gives up too easily on the home punishment front. It's basically an extra holiday for him. I've told her, if I were him, I would be actively trying to get excluded and this is probably what has started to happen. Mum agrees but feels at a loss at what to do.
It's OP's problem when he's
It's OP's problem when he's in the home with the child having to deal with it. There is aftermath to ever action.
This child is screaming favoritism. This will make it worse. How will it be to have a home torn in half because you've had to disengage from one child and not the other.
yes, and some people throw
yes, and some people throw "racism" or "abuse" when they don't like the outcome of something that's happening...
sometimes, people just scream "something" as an excuse for being butt hurt, or to try and gain an advantage in a situation they think is unfair, regardless of whether or not it actually is unfair.
The kid needs to be told that it is the way it is, it's not favoritism, it's convenience, and to get over himself. Explain it, if need be, that it's travel time / location... if the kid is THAT upset about something so trivial, I suspect he may develop into a fragile snowflake whose feelings should always be bubble-wrapped, if not already one.
That's fine but don't make
That's fine but don't make him feel him "your staying with dad because I don't want you because you annoy me and I like your brother" and not expect problems.
Don't tell him "You can't come home like you were suppose to because you were bad so your punishment is staying with dad," then expect him to always want to go to dads.
Making the kids stay with dad is fine IF you present it correctly. But this is a kid. Not an adult. A child who is only loosely bonded to OP in the first place. OP is not his parent and if this isn't handled well then it will cause long term issues in the house.
As I pointed out. What's OP going to say when his house is falling apart because the boy thinks he's unwanted by OP. Doesn't matter if it's true or not because the child wont see how his behavior impacted things. What he will see is that OP loves his brother and not him.
As I said OP doesn't HAVE to do anything. He can disengage at any point but there are reactions to ever action. You can't favor one child and expect everything to be ok.
you're right about the first
you're right about the first line... but that wasn't the case. The kid wasn't told that.
About the second one... you're also right - staying with dad shouldn't be the punishment. But the kid wasn't told that either.
The kid is just screaming favoritism because he's staying with dad. He's made up his OWN mind about the reasons... the kid is thus screaming favoritism, because that's what HE feels it is.
Maybe he is favored, maybe he isn't... but if the reason for the kid to stay there is that it'll be easier for logistical reasons, then the kid can know that... what's the problem with telling the kid that?
Even if he feels like your first example... that's not the OP's fault... and it's really a display of insecurity on the boy's part... like he's painting a target on himself... he thinks he's too annoying to be able to join in... so maybe the kid knows he's a bit of a PITA...
it's a good opportunity for a teaching moment.
My whole point is that if it
My whole point is that if it happens it needs to be approached right. It's fine to make the kid stay at dads but don't make it punishment. As for favoritism, it's clear that there is some. That doesn't mean OP has done anything wrong you need to handle the situation right.
The kid knows he's suppose to be at moms but he isn't going and little brother is. He already feels less wanted. This is going to make it worse. Yeah he's insecure. That doesn't mean he's wrong. I'm not saying baby the child. I'm saying take care of him. Help him feel better because if you don't it's going to get worse.
This is one event but it doesn't feel like it's the only thing going on for the child. He feels rejected. He's saying "You favor my brother over me" while he's seeing that he's not being allowed to go home like he's suppose to. It's confirming what he's feeling. He's unwanted. There's an exception being made that's singling him out.
We're so against making someone a snowflake that we don't understand that feelings are real. This is a child not an adult. He's going to grow and how you handle these feelings of rejection and favoritism will have long term effects.
I'm seeing it now with SO's daughter. BM clearly favors the son. It shows so clearly in everything. Should we tell her "buck up and get over it"? Or do we try to help her feel loved and equal where we can?
Yeah this is going to happen. There are times where I take one kid to do something and not the other BUT I listen and do my best to explain why. I try to ensure that they both get equal special treatment. When it comes down to it I am firm "No I care about you too but this is whats going to happen and why."
Make the oldest stay with dad but later you need to do something just you and him to be "fair" and show that this favoritism isn't what he's seeing.
Or just ignore it and call him a special snowflake that's being a baby.
Oh, pls., all. This is such
Oh, pls., all. This is such a minor incident in the bigger picture. Really, who cares? Children are children, and more than likely one or more will always be claiming they got cheated or so-and-so got more, and poor little ol' me, and so on. You treat children like children and adults like adults. You are overthinking this. If this is something two adults (or it seems like three adults in this case) agreed on, then that should be it. You don't need to make up a story, such as this is to further punish you, to "soften" the blow. It is what it is. It is something multiple adults, including mom and dad, agreed on. If all of the adults agree one child spends an extra day with dad while the other child doesn't, end of story.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Staying the night where it is
Staying the night where it is convenient for the adults- not wrong
Getting no other explenation than the above-not wrong
Telling him that you are the parent and he gets to go where you tell him-not wrong(will illicit a temper tantrum which you can then ignore-adulting lol)
He yells favoritism-you ignore
The incident with the teacher should be punished separately(or mediated at school with teacher present) for clarity of parental expectation.
Conclusion:s
Send child to dad's house bc closer to school
Mediate teacher incident separately with mum as well as school counselor present.
Update. We actually had a
Update. We actually had a good day. I took the boys out and they had fun, with minimal bickering. I don't think anyone screamed "shut up!" once, as they do a lot normally. I feel good that I gave them a good day.
I was expecting the worst. But it was OK. I'm still thinking about if the eldest was my own son, after being excluded from school, that I would be angry. But I'm glad that I can spend time with him as a de facto step parent, and feel good about it. Mum can sort out the school problems. I've done something valuable today.
Thanks for the advice when I was clouded by judgement. It's not my job to sort his schooling out. It's my job to show him mutual respect in the present moment... exactly how I would any human being.