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Help! Do I leave?

OverwhelmedK's picture

For the last three years I've been in a relationship - it started quickly after he left BM in fact she was pregnant when they split. Because of this we waited over a year till I met his SD'S (Now aged 3, 4 and 6). It was a huge challenge to start with but I now love these girls so much.

My actual relationship however is not going as well, although there is love we have both hurt each other over the years (we had a thing before he got with BM) and as such the trust seems to be gone. The bad days outnumber the good and I feel we are both staying more for the well being of the girls than our own well being.

My guilt lies in that these girls have already been part of one relationship break down and things are finally stable for them. I know they are at an age they are tough and pretty resilient in terms of change but I'm not sure I am.

I never want to have bio kids so maybe I'm holding onto a family life but I am just broken and numb right now from the pain of the relationship with the love of my life going so down hill.

Can you salvage a broken relationship for the sake of SK or do you I just find my lady balls and leave?

I'm 27 and he is 37 and I feel like it's now or never - in other words if I stay that's it I'm here till those kids grow up and leave.

HELP ME!

Rags's picture

HELP YOURSELF!!!!!!

You are being stupid. STOP IT!!!

Not your spawn, not your problem. Why would you sacrifice yourself on the guillotine of Sparent martyrdom when you have no use for the father of these kids and the only thing that is motivating you is a misplaced naïve sense of duty to kids who you have no legal, moral, or implied duty towards.

Move on for yourself and give these kids a chance to move on IMMEDIATELY!!!!! And never again let this kind of immature ridiculous crap pollute your own pursuit of a happy life ever again.

Just my thoughts and opinion of course.

Good luck.

a better life's picture

I will admit I am having trouble with the he left while his wife was pregnant and got with someone else while she was still pregnant. Just don't have much respect for that kind of situation. Maybe deep down you don't either, and that is part of the problem. Don't stay for someone else's toddlers and young kids. He needs to start thinking about them himself when making relationship decisions. Go make a better life for yourself with someone who is truly unencumbered.

ESMOD's picture

I vote for the lady balls. Pick em up out of the box, slap em on and leave. The kids emotional and physical wellbeing are the responsibility of their parents. It is his fault if his kids are hurt by "another breakup". Kids are resilient anyway and seeing two adults modeling a TOXIC relationship is actually more harmful than you two splitting up.

Lady ball up sister!

PokaDotty's picture

Read some of the other blogs. As teenagers, they will hate you. Do you really want to invest a few more years and then have nothing more than a hollow, loveless marriage with anger and regret and skids who dislike and resent you.

Don't be naive and think they will grow up and love you. Those kids first loyalty will always be the bio parents and you are not it. Cut your losses now while you are still young!!

If you don't have a solid foundation of a marriage now, there is literally nothing to build on.

Thumper's picture

If you were my daughter I would say "It's ok, you made a mistake. Time to move on"

NO LOOKING BACK, never look back.

Be at peace!!!

cinderella777's picture

I get it - some of the other ladies may not be childless. So, I understand you hanging onto what may be your only chance at a real "family". Having said that, God bless you for even setting foot into a situation with not one, not two but THREE step GIRLS! lord have mercy lol I feel sad as well and guilty at the thought of upsetting the kid yet again, I do. But at the end of the day, it's really not my problem if that were to happen and it's not yours either. They are not our kids. We can not sacrifice our own lives for some other woman's kid.

misSTEP's picture

Leave. The kids will adjust. You, however, will lose YOU over the years and never get her back. Please also double up on birth control until you are able to leave. The last thing you want is to be tied to someone like that for years and years.

cinderella777's picture

Oh yes what she said. Please please do notttt get pregnant. It will not make it better. It will be WORSE!

thinkthrice's picture

Definitely do not get preggers! I was in an eerily similar situation as you except rhat im older than he.

My advice? RUUUUUUNNNNNN quite literally for your life!! It only goes downhill from here. I stayed and after 12 loooooonnnnnng years I can barely stand the sight of him due to his blaming everything on me. Your SO will blame YOU when the skids start to hate both you and him.

SM12's picture

I stayed in a HORRIBLE marriage for years because we were raising my SD at the time. Her BM was a nutjob and hadn't been in her life for years. My DH at the time was just as nuts. I stayed so she would have at least one sane parent. I found myself becoming physically ill from the stress of being in a horrible marriage. I was not being the best BM to my BS due to the stress and I was just miserable EVERY DAY!. I finally got out when I my SD was 17. I had to in order to survive the nightmare marriage.
It was the BEST decision I ever made. I had a relationship with SD for years after the divorce but then genetics took over and she became just as nuts as her mother.

My advice, get out and start to live your own life. I wish I had done it years sooner.

OverwhelmedK's picture

Thank you everyone! I think I just needed reassurance - those in my life I have confided in have been a split of "you have to stay" or "you have to go" so it's been tough.

I think you are all right, time to makes a big change! Wish me luck!!! Smile x