When is it enough?

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I have been married about a year. We both make essentially the same amount of money and keep our finances separate. Financially we are in better shape than most. What drives me crazy is his kids always have their hands out. They don't live with us - because I would not allow it. They are in their mid 20's. Have both made dumb decisions and that tends to keep happening. My question is it really any of my business? He pays his share of our bills, we have wonderful vacations, I have savings, he has additional income from owned properties and will be fine when retire.

I think it bugs me most because we are looking at a different house and I would like to spend more than my husband but he doesn't think it is necessary. I wonder if he knows he will have to keep shelling out 35K a year for his grown kids?

I also think his kids drive me crazy because we both work really hard and WTF he has to pay for their poor decisions? It feels like they are entitled and taking advantage. I also hate his reaction like it is acceptable. He gets mad occasionally and says I won't do it again and then he does. I just told him to stop saying it because no one believes it.

Maybe I should just accept it and figure see it as he makes 35K less a year than me.

As long as he isn't coming up

As long as he isn't coming up short on his financial responsibilities in the home and isn't using your money, then what he does with money is his business.

As long as he is paying out

As long as he is paying out of his own pocket, and putting away for his retirement it shouldn't really matter. The house is a different thing. If you have to settle for less of a house because he makes donations to the skids, you will never be happy in it and it would be unfair of your DH to expect it. Write a list of what you - and your DH want and need in a house. Then come to a compromise. If the result requires more money your DH will have to cut back his Skid 'contributions'. Good luck.

As long as he isn't coming up

As long as he isn't coming up short on his financial responsibilities in the home and isn't using your money, then what he does with money is his business.
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I totally agree with this IF the kids are out of college. Once that ride is over they need to get off the parental tit. (once in a while is ok, but these kids are getting 35K a year!!). I would be upset that he is spending so much on his GROWN kids and expect to live off of MY retirement when the time comes.

Only grey area here is that they have only been married a year an apparently she knew he was giving this money to the kids. I would have NEVER married a man who gave grown ass kids 35K a year. I mean...right there tells you what you are getting into.

Ladyface, you bring up a good

Ladyface, you bring up a good point. My DH didn't make as much as I did. He assured me that even though he was placing hundreds of dollars a month in SD's bank account that he would have enough for retirement. She was actually making more than he was at the time. 20+ years later, he is 'retired', on a very limited income. He's a veteran, so if a medical crisis came up he might be able to handle it, but there are other things that can come up. He can not afford to purchase a new car. We live simply but if an emergency came up I'm not sure our joint savings would pay for it. I am certain SD would not help him out financially. So I guess we would be pulling from my nest egg which he contributed nothing to.

Retirement comes faster than you think. Your DH says he is set, but do you know specifically how he is set for it? Please do not make the same mistake I did.

Agree 100%. There is no such

Agree 100%. There is no such things as your money, my money in a marriage, although I know plenty of people like to imply that with step mom and dad. It is simply not true. They are just as married as any other couple, and what financially affects one affects the other, regardless. You'd be amazed for example, how many people think that if dad pays for one of his kids' weddings, for example, that SM has put nothing towards it. Bull. If a non-step or "regular" mom and dad pay for a wedding, buy a car, home, etc., no one even stops to think that it doesn't affect both of their finances. But, for some reason, and we all know what that reason is, when dad pays for something, SM supposedly isn't contributing one dime and it is none of her business.

I agree with this as well and

I agree with this as well and think that the bias against second marriages is palpable with people who suggest otherwise...who suggest that husband's finances are "none of stepmom's business!" or wife's finances are "none of stepdad's business!" I see this sentiment directed toward second wives more often, though...along with the assumption that they're trying to "control" their husband's finances or somehow take over or take away from his kids.

My DH and I both work freelance...some months I make more, some months he makes more. We try to stay on the same page about finances, but my husband is more of a spender than I am, and he has three kids. If he overspends on the skids, it most certainly effects me...because then I may have to contribute more than my fair share to our household account (I already do...since we contribute 50/50.) Yes. He's spending "his money" but his choices affect me.

Also, for several years I footed the majority of the household bills while my husband built up our business. He now has a higher earning potential than I do, thanks in large part to me giving him a few years to network and grow his client base. So...if he gets a big break...is that all his money? Should I not have any right to have input into how he spends (including spending on the skids), how he saves, how he manages that income...since he technically made the money? As long as he's covering 1/2 of the basics of our household...I should just let the rest go? STFU because I'm a second wife and those are his kids and he's their DAADDDDYYYYY? I call bs. I leveraged him into that position through hard work and sacrifice, and I have a right to the rewards.

But so many times on forums (unfortunately, even on this one) I see the assumption that second wife is just wanting hubby to support her while ignoring is own kids financially. I think that assumption is ridiculous...stepmoms too often support their spouses and their skids. Stepmoms support skids in lots of ways, tangibly and intangibly...and for their reward get told to STFU about everything skid-related. Especially finances. And the situation the OP describes is ridiculous as well. Of course she does things that enable him to be more successful...happier in life. There's mountains of evidence that married men go further in their careers, live longer, are happier overall.

We simply don't know enough about the situation to know if his actions are literally affecting her life not at all or if she's right to feel uneasy and resentful. It seems like he's older than her. Is he really putting enough into retirement? Or is he expecting her to cover him in retirement? Is he planning and saving for emergencies? I have a hard time believing that she's not being affected at all, as his wife.

Gotta go with Ladyface, it

Gotta go with Ladyface, it most certainly would be my business.

If this was going on prior to

If this was going on prior to the marriage and she was aware of it, trying to change it now seems wrong.

Just because you may not agree with what he's doing with his money, doesn't, mean you get to control his choices.

I always say, MY MONEY, MY KID, MY CHOICE

These are adults, not kids.

Regardless of how old they

Regardless of how old they are, they are still his kids.

As long as he's taking care of business at home, he should be free to splurge as he sees fit.

This is exactly why I'm against joint finances. I have a huge issue with others having a say in or control in how I spend the money that I earn.

Splurge?! 35K is quite the

Splurge?! 35K is quite the splurge. It's more than many people make in an entire year.

Yes, Lady is right.

Yes, Lady is right. Everything is your business. People forget to factor in Healthcare costs. Statistically speaking, you will be DH'S caregiver. Will he have the resources so you can do that? It's not easy doing personal care in your older years and sometimes physically impossible.

He needs to have enough so that you can the means to care for him without touching your nest egg.

It is absurd and definitely

It is absurd and definitely her business. You are right about one major medical crisis financially devastating people.

Sadly, a lot of older folks divorce to prevent the healthy spouse from becoming destitute. Married, her income would be factored into what programs he might qualify for.

She said he has additional

She said he has additional income from some properties that he owns. He will be fine when he retires, they take wonderful vacations....This guy has his act together financially.

The only thing he's doing wrong is trying to make her settle for a cheaper house. His choices should not impact her lifestyle.

We are married to the same

We are married to the same man, I swear to Dog.

We are at the phase in life where we are off loading kids and skids. He wants a 10K square foot house. I want a smaller house than the one we have now.

I just don't want that many bathrooms to clean - LOL!

What is the $35,000 for? Is

What is the $35,000 for? Is this education money? Paying their rent and car payments?

He's handing roughly $1500 per month per adult child. How many 'bad decisions' can two 20somethings make that they need bailed out every month, month after month?

I hope you read my follow up

I hope you read my follow up and see that you guessed wrong. I am fine helping the older son but still frustrated because the wedding was called off due to something he should not have done. I have no problem with necessities as long as he is not splurging on dinners out. I am however disappointed in paying for all the living expenses for 22-year-old who is not in college and not working.

For the past year we have lived in very nice house that I purchased 15 years ago. I have 70% equity in it so our payment has been minimal. I just got our qualification numbers back and we qualify for more than twice the amount that he thinks we should spend. I'm not unreasonable. The house we live in is on the water but smaller than what is comfortable for us. Our new house would be equal to what my current house is worth it just would not be on the water. I can rent my place for about double the mortgage payment as I refinanced. Makes no sense to sell it because the value is only going up as it is oceanfront. My husband is meeting all his financial obligations because I set us up to have very few financial obligations by putting a considerable amount down on my place when I bought it. A new house is well with in our means it just means he may not be able to "help" the kids as much.

I have not been on these boards very long but I can see how many marriages go bad due to living with stepchildren there's no reason for me to have to do that. I think it would cause a divorce. So many of the women/men on here are miserable because step children moved back home. My responsibility is to our marriage his maybe to his kids first but mine is not.

And there we go. See my

And there we go. See my comment above about stepmoms who support skids, tangibly and intangibly, and are then told to STFU and "butt out!" when it comes to dad spending $$ on his kids.

You are absolutely subsidizing his spending on his kids by YOUR solid financial management. This is why you're feeling resentful. The only reason he's able to give his shiftless ADULT kids so much support is because you have a home that he's living in very cheaply...that you likely sacrificed to pay down when you were younger (not much older than his kids)...and now you're being forced to subsidize frivolous behavior. I'd try to put a stop to it or the resentment will grow. I say this as someone who has done far too much financially for my skids...and knowing that it's much easier to say than to do.

Thank you, for getting it! I

Thank you, for getting it! I do well most of the time. I had been wanting a bigger place but putting it off because I did not think he could come up with his half of the down payment. Then we decided on a price for a house he was comfortable with and I was willing to do. When we qualified for double that amount I was thinking that was a good show of compromise. I just got off the phone with him and he said that sounds like a lot more money a month and down payment. I am not worried because my half would be covered by the rental income on my place. I would even cover more than my half for a year or pay for 2nd son to go to a trade school and cover my half also if I even saw an end in sight.

I am feeling down - I guess it is good he is out of town. I do love this man and his older one and I get a long very well. The younger is just kind of non - not rude just very little interaction even with his dad. I know it could be worse but this is tough too. What I think people fail to see that someone told me once is "No one's reality is worse than anyone elses - as bad as it is for you is as bad as it is."

Read my story above, if you

Read my story above, if you can find it. I totally get it. I think stepmoms are good at picking up the slack or taking the short end of the stick for their DH's and pretending they're not ("Oh, it really is equal...50/50 is fair even though he's bringing three additional people into the household...I want to pull my weight...not seem like I'm depriving his children...heaven forbid I need anything as his wife...") And I think divorced dads are really good at sugar-coating their expenses or making it seem equal or fair when it isn't...hiding or glossing over stepmom's true contribution. I don't think they do this on purpose, mind you. I think a lot of dads are afraid of losing their kids...or, like my DH, they've been bullied by their ex, called a poor provider...so they over-compensate and expect new wife to subsidize the behavior. I have tons of empathy...but that doesn't mean it sucks for us any less.

I'm so shocked by how often commenters on forums like this, even other women, automatically assume the second wife is trying to control the husband or his finances...is being selfish, trying to finagle more than her fair share and cut out his kids...this is an assumption that pops up EVERY TIME...even when, as in your case, we don't know the full scope of the issue.

It's not the 1950's any more. Women do make money and, often, do support themselves. If a stepmom is feeling uneasy about finances or vaguely resentful but can't put her finger on the reason...my first assumption is NOT that she's a man-eating, controlling harpy trying to milk him for all he's worth. I'm sure there are some of those out there, but they aren't the majority in my experience. My first assumption is that she's taking on more than her fair share, financially, and is either blind to it or is fooling herself...or just hasn't gotten up the nerve to speak up about it or lay down an ultimatum.

At any rate. Yeah. It's not just your DH who is giving these kids all this money every year. You're doing it, too.

"I think stepmoms are good at

"I think stepmoms are good at picking up the slack or taking the short end of the stick for their DH's and pretending they're not ---." Couldn't agree more. We make concessions so they don't look bad to the skids or their family. We don't want to damage their egos, do we? When DH tried to give other people the impression that he owned 1/2 of the house I paid for it took a long time for me to inform his relatives that the house was actually mine. I can only wonder if he gave SD the same impression - maybe that was why she acted like she owned the place when she came over.

Like TwoOFUs, I really get it. When we decided to purchase a house together, I settled for something he could pay 1/2 of, which was a far cry from what I would have purchased, and it wouldn't have been a mansion.

Years ago I was having some really bad problems at my work and wanted to quit. This did not mean I was going to remain unemployed, I knew he could not afford to support both of us. His reaction to this was callus and insensitive. He went ballistic. My doctor wanted me to take a week off, but good ol' DH told me I should get back to work immediately or they would think I was nuts.

I have a much better life now, DH seems to place a priority on our marriage. But as cold as it sounds, if he were to develop a serious illness tomorrow, which would possibly deplete my nest egg, I would divorce him.

I just reread it - you

I just reread it - you totally get where I am. It is tough. I know this is something we will have to work out and I hope he understands he cannot support them forever. Part of the reason I need a bigger house is I work out of the house and chunk of my house is used for my work. It is not that I am needing a ridiculous mansion. I live in CA so that just isn't feasible anyway.

I agree. Plus he is doing his

I agree. Plus he is doing his son NO FAVORS by enabling him to be LAZY!

It is your business. He needs to stop the financial bleed.

removing duplicate

I hope you read my follow up

Wow. Love all the misogynist

Wow. Love all the misogynist assumptions here.

Thanks for saying this. It

Thanks for saying this. It is really disappointing to see all these responses blaming me. Maybe I should've put in my initial post that he makes the bills because they are so low because I was so financially responsible.

says the family law attorney

Bravo and great point.

I am shocked at some of the comments on this form, but since I am a second wife, I will just keep my opinion to myself. Nobody gives a shit about it anyway.

While I understand the points

While I understand the points you're trying to show, IMO we haven't really been given enough info by OP. Other than married a year, make same employment income and he hands his grown children money, we know nothing else.

I will assume based on skids ages, the DH is 50-ish.

And..........

As your DH ages and

As your DH ages and eventually retires, will his adult children still expect their dad to be a walking ATM? Probably.

IMHO, this scenario will financially affect you. Maybe not today. But down the road it will. And when that happens, I surmise your resent will grow.

Is that how you want to live your life?

The best marriage counselor is a well versed financial planner that has experience with advising 2nd marriages. Convince your DH you both need to see a FP and then take it from there. Be sure to voice your concerns about your DH's $35k/yr adult child support fund.

Good luck!

Where can you buy a house for

Where can you buy a house for that little? I live in a very poor Southern state with a low cost of living. SS30's GF's mother bought them a home in a bad area that is pretty piss poor (had been abandoned for a few years) and it still cost about $60,000.

The house I grew up in - about 750 sq. ft. (from the 40s) with no improvements in a HORRIBLE neighborhood is worth $50 or 60K at least.

The only homes that I know of that go for that little are ones that were abandoned in New Orleans after Katrina and have been rotting for a decade after sitting in flood waters for a month.

Hi everyone - thanks for all

Hi everyone - thanks for all the comments. Here is some more background. We are in our 40's. His child has joint custody of two children after calling off a wedding. He now has rent payment and all the same bills they were jointly paying on one income. We don't want him to move because one of the kids is learning disabled and the school district they are in is really good for this. When we got married they were engaged and rarely needed supplement but when they did they paid it back.

The other one just has no excuse and what my husband is picking up is living expenses. That one is a selfish jerk. That one really makes me angry.

As far as retirement I am not worried about that. We are covered. Major Medical Emergency etc... we are covered.

The biggest issue is I don't see an end in sight. How long can he keep paying for these things. Facebook is the very worst for situation because I see them out for dinner, or buying gifts for parties they just got a new toy. One time I heard his son loaned money to his mom. Really??? Someone said he should be able to spend on his kids - he should but when does it become enabling?

As far as the house, I see the point in the fact that we can buy less and I might not be bugged by it at all if it felt like we made the decision together.

I know my husband has a running total on the first son but I am sure not the second. I picked the number 35K because I asked him, "How much realistically should we budget for the kids for next year so we can figure on what we can buy? 30K?" He said, "I wish" So I took a stab that it is about 35K. We do know each others financial situation. We have no problem sharing and we agree to discuss purchases over 2K

I think I covered most questions. I am not 100% sure I am right to get angry but I do. Their father works really hard and it feels like they take advantage - one much more than the other. I try to hide my anger but I am sure it comes out in digs. I am sure if i called his kids selfish or anything like that it is really a judgement on his parenting so I don't do that but they do make me angry and I do think he is not being the best parent enabling them.

I love my husband and know this situation could be so much worse if we were not financially secure.

Thanks for expanding. SS#2,

Thanks for expanding.

SS#2, the not a good reason one? Dh needs to cut that one out if Dh ever wants this one to learn and live as a grown up. This one isn't going to get any hand outs in my world.

SS#1 seems to have a bit more reason to need some temporary help. Cheaper housing in same school district (even if that means Dad on pull out sofa with bedrooms for kids. Downgrade pleasures such as cable? A real budget where basics are met but little else. He can also look for ways to supplement his own income. The one thing he can't trim is medical/health and well being services/durable goods type necessities his little one needs. Can down grade vehicle et et.

After seeing what SS#1's real shortness is or actually could be after tightening up, then SS#1 , Dh and you can sit down and see what/where and for how long DH might be able to assist. The main goal must be to get self sufficient.

No parent (even if their own money) should schedule in $30-35,000 a year to supplement their adult children's lifestyle or foolhardy ways. Medical emergency, temporary setback blah blah is fine if the parent can afford it without harming self/household. I occasionally help my own adult children and SS. I've been known to pay for things for my two grandchildren. I not long ago paid for GS's braces after insurance. But it wasn't expected nor asked for. I did it because I wanted to.

I just filed for divorce over

I just filed for divorce over this issue. The folks that posted and said that when you are married, you are responsible for your spouse are exactly right. there are 3 parties in a marriage, the two spouses and the state. YOU will be held liable for all of your dhs medical and long term care expenses if that day comes.

Adults should support themselves. period.

Since your DH at least seems to tell you the truth about it, you are way ahead of me (mine lied repeatedly which is the main reason for divorce about adult SD support). I agree with the advice to go see a good financial planner who will hopefully explain to your dh that jobs can be lost, stock markets can crash, and housing can crash. The children have their entire lives to save money, you and dh have only some years. Once you hit your 50s jobs can go and new ones are hard to find at good income levels.

If this is an ingrained pattern for your dh, he will NOT change. What is he going to do when he is 60? 70? etc? that 35 k a year is 350k in ten years, 700k in 20 years.....that may be critical money once you are old.

My DH told me he supported the adult SDs because he believed he need to take care of them. I asked him if he believed he needed to take care of me. He responded, no, you take care of yourself." He is right. I am going to take care of myself. But I am no longer going to take care of him or his adult daughters.

Did you see my follow up

Did you see my follow up where it says that I have 70% equity in my house and refi'd so that is why DH can make all his share of the bills? My mortgage is about 1/4 of what is should be. My place is not large because I live on the beach and I work from home so a good portion of it is my office. I just figured you must have missed this.

I totally disagree with "his

I totally disagree with "his money, his kids, his decision". Casey123 has every right to be concerned with the amount of money her husband is spending on his adult kids. Even if they can afford it, her husband is enabling these irresponsible "kids" and possibly jeopardizing his and Casey's financial future.

My husband makes twice what I do, but because of his huge alimony obligation, he takes home less than me each week. I support more than 50% of our household budget, but I doubt his kids realize that. They probably think that I'm the one living off of him!

Before we got married, his kids would use him like an ATM machine. One adult son (34 at the time) texted Dad a couple of years ago because he needed money for rent. My husband went ahead and paid two months of his rent. Another son took it upon himself to charge $1700 to my husband's credit card to pay off a tuition bill last summer with the promise of paying "us" back. He still owes $500. Give me a break! My adult kids never ask for a thing and all of them are paying off college loans while supporting themselves. It's not a free ride people.

My husband is 65 and I'm 53. I'm concerned about my financial future if the alimony obligation doesn't end. Retirement will never happen for me.

Thank you it gives me some

Thank you it gives me some solace to see some others understand. Truthfully I am angry right now because he just told me maybe we should wait a year to move. Guess why? He wants more money free for the kids if they need something. I am so glad he is out of town and I can through the best way to handle it. Right now it is chocolate.

Ugh

I can't get in the habit of

I can't get in the habit of not double clicking and I don't know how to delete.

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