DH Anxiety
Anyone else here have a DH with anxiety issues?
A few months ago, after a SS weekend, DH missed a week of work due to a severe anxiety attack, with the meds they put him on he was not allowed to do his job - it happened again the next SS weeekend - missed another week of work, this last month it did not happen, and I thought we were in the clear and then wham - we had SS this last weekend and all week he's been getting worse - last night we ended up in the ER.
I don't understand because other than SS getting sick on his last day with us, even DH said the weekend had gone so much better than most. So why this horrible anxiety attack?
If I ask him - he says 'I really hate my ex and I really hate dealing with her' -- I don't even know what to do anymore.
This time he has no PTO time left at work so here we go - a week off his paycheck - of course XW does not suffer - I DO . NO money on his check for us - no groceries. I will have to pay the ER bills etc.
When we got home -he of course gets to go to bed and sleep all day because they drugged him up. I on the other hand had to get ready for work - no sleep and feeling like crap because of it.
I cried in the shower til I couldn't cry anymore - I am frustrated and angry that his ex is still running his life even when they are divorced. I don't know how we'll keep our heads a float if he can't work. I'm sad because this is not the life I envisioned for myself.
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SS is 8 - This last time at
SS is 8 - This last time at pick up and drop off I told him to wait in car - have SS come to him, therefore avoiding BM altogether, but then SS got sick - so they had to have more communication than normal but it was all on phone or texts not in person.
DH has anxiety as well. He
DH has anxiety as well. He has meds for it but doesn't always have to take them. He says he's had it at least since his teens. When it gets bad he can't do/finish anything - I'll walk into the house and immediately know he's had a bad day due to how he leaves his stuff around.
It does cause me stress too. I have to often assist with more things around the house because he just cannot function. But I judge it by talking with him. Last night I made darn sure he helped with dinner and cleaned the kitchen because he was doing ok. He didn't like it but so be it, you still have to help today DH. He often doesn't open his mail for a month because it causes him anxiety (I am working with him to get him to open mail 2x per month which is going fairly well if I keep on him). I know it effect his relationship with the SDs and contributes to his 'parenting' issues. He is trying to find a more regular counselor too which I hope will help.
I have pretty severe anxiety.
I have pretty severe anxiety. Those attacks can happen for no "real" reason. Logically everything is fine or a situation is improving.. then WHAM! I take xanex for the attacks now, because they are a lot less frequent than they used to be. I used to take a daily antianxiey to keep myself under control (leaving an abusive marriage really messes with you). I think your DH needs to get on something better than what he is on and his employer doesn't need to know about it unless he is military.
Honestly, I wouldn't want
Honestly, I wouldn't want to be with someone that had such a fragile psyche. I mean, I know it doesn't sound kind or very nice but as you have told us there are real consequences for you from his problem. Your household loses money, you have to take care of everything because he is incapable and you will spend the rest of your life trying to manage HIS stress levels and do everything so that he doesn't have an episode. It would be too exhausting a prospect.. for me.
But, now that you are in this situation... what can be done? Well, he needs to take ownership over his situation and he needs to find a therapist and a doctor who can work together to both give him behavioral tools as well as possible pharmaceutical options as well. What is not fair is for him to regularly collapse and throw his hands up and say "I can't help it... I can't deal". I actually have a little bit of anxiety myself. When I go to conferences for work there have been times that I have literally gone back to my hotel room after the day is done and cried because I am so uncomfortable in some group situations. But, people who know me wouldn't guess that because I can "fake it till I make it". I don't allow myself to collapse and run away.
Regarding his EX.... he needs to learn how to deal with her. She is going to be a presence in his life for at least the next 10 years via their son together. He needs to learn how to deflect or avoid her. He needs to learn that she literally doesn't have any magic power over him to doom him for eternity. A therapist might be able to help with role playing or other exercises to make dealing with her less anxiety ridden. Maybe he could find a way for there to be a neutral party/place where she can drop the boy and DH can pick him up. Honestly, it would be great if it could be worked out that pickups and dropoffs would be before or after school...so DH could get him directly from there.
Perhaps there is some pre-emptive medications he could take that don't mess him up for his job... but that he can take when he knows he is likely to run into trigger situations (ss weekends). He can also discuss meds that wouldn't make him ineligable for work.
Unfortunately, right now, he is just hiding from the world and making you deal with the fallout. It's not fair for you to pay for his issue.
It may sound cold, but I
It may sound cold, but I agree with ESMOD. I have anxiety that I take medicine for. I absolutely would not stay with someone who let anxiety control his life. There is medication, there is therapy, there is life-skills that can help. Just allowing oneself to spin out of control is not ok.
Thank goodness I'm not the
Thank goodness I'm not the only one. It's not like I am trying to be a cold and heartless person. I nursed my husband through two cancer diagnosis and surgeries.
I mean, I can sympathize but to be with someone that you had to possibly worry about becoming incapacitated at any given moment and have to basically take to his bed drugged up? That would not be a life for me.. it would make ME crazy...lol.
I just figure that he has to know that this is something that can happen and try to figure out a better way.
Therapy? Meditation?
Therapy? Meditation? Medication (which can have it's own drawbacks)? He needs to find a way to get a handle on this. That much stress can lead to a heart attack, not to mention how it's affecting his day to day life (and yours).
Can he pinpoint what, exactly, causes the anxiety? Is it all BM or could there be other stressors? Maybe he and BM need to use Our Family Wizard as the only means of communication.
Your husband needs to find some way to deal with this.
DH should never miss work
Anxiety make him miss a weeks of work, losing all that money should give him more Anxiety. Anxiety over his own kid ??? Maybe you should stop visitation until he gets this under control. I agree with the other, I could never make a life with someone who can’t handle a little thing like this. Once again what will happen if there is a real thing that happens in your life. He will stop working for the rest of his life .
My DH has anxiety also. BM is
My DH has anxiety also. BM is a complete flake and has her own psych issues. When she is going to pick up or drop off 2 SS, hes a mess until they get home. Its been 6 months since she's seen the skids and its been nice. Her text messages will send him into 2 hr tirades of how much he hates her. It gets tiring but luckily he hasn't been hospitalized.
The thought of you crying in the shower is heartbreaking.