I am stuck in neutral and can't make a decision

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Hello everyone, This may get a little lengthy but I would so appreciate some input from unbiased people.

I have been a visitor of these forums for awhile now but haven't made any posts of my own since about a year ago. At that time, I was dealing with a lot of health problems (still dealing with a few) and my boyfriend had spent Christmas weekend at my family's house with his son (now 6 years old). The child had terrorized the whole family over that weekend, and boyfriend and I had a long talk afterwards about how he never makes his son obey any rules - that they just sit and argue with each other. Long story short, boyfriend got really offended at first and it drove a wedge between us for a few weeks. Then boyfriend took the initiative to try to "do better" and he started making consequences for his son's bratty behavior and arguing with adults. He said he would do his best to correct the child's behavior so that I could tolerate his company a little better and that he'd do anything to prevent me from leaving. This was very admirable of him, in my opinion, so I decided to give things some more time and see how it goes.

Well here I am, a year later, and I will say that boyfriend did step up to the plate in a lot of ways. The arguing stopped for awhile, but then started back up again. Boyfriend will scream his threats at him as far as punishment goes, but the child just doesn't take him that seriously (either that, or he just isn't afraid of any consequences to begin with).

So anyway, I am still at a point where the child makes my skin crawl. It's really strange because I can look at him sometimes, and think he's the most adorable thing because he looks just like his dad and I feel a warmth in my heart for a brief moment. I feel the urge to snuggle up to him or something but he won't have that - the child doesn't seem to dislike me by any means but he doesn't want any affection from me either outside of a half-hug while parting ways for the week ahead.

The thing is that I just can't seem to shake the idea that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who has a kid that isn't my own. I'm at a stage in my life where, at 26, I don't even know if I want kids of my own. I think the short answer would be that yes I do - one day - but no time soon. I also wonder if maybe its just THIS particular child and that I could tolerate a different one. This is the first time I've ever been with anyone who had a child and therefore I just don't know.

The boyfriend is supposed to get the child every other weekend, but for the past two months it has been every weekend. This has once again driven a wedge between me and boyfriend, because quite frankly, I'd rather stay at my home with my dogs and a good book than go and spend the weekend at his house and listen to his son's millions of questions and arguing and coughing all over me and roaming the house at night.

When I envision the future, I just can't stand the idea of finally owning my own home and then having it be partly HIS home - a child who is not my own. Some people would say that that sounds really mean - and I can see why - but its just how I feel. I am in a position where I could own my own home in the near future and that thought of it being roamed by boyfriend's son just kills me. Boyfriend wants us to get married in the near future or at least make some sort of public announcement of engagement and move forward but I have been stalling, big time. He knows it too. But his thought is "My son won't be a mean 6 year old forever, you'll adapt to him better with time."

It irritates me to no end to see boyfriend paying hundreds in child support each month yet he gets him every weekend these days because that is a break for BM (she has 4 other kids) and the child would rather be with his dad because when he's with dad, he gets to call the shots and not compete with other kids for attention. Anytime I mention me and boyfriend doing something just the two of us like getting away for a weekend out of town, he says "Can't, I'm broke." Boyfriend did go with me and my family on vacation this past summer without the child, and he was mopey and depressed that he didn't bring him. He said if we go anywhere this year, there's no way he would leave him behind.

The child has his dad very much wrapped around his finger and he knows he can come over any weekend that he wants to. If both of them had their way, he would have full custody. If ever that is a possibility, I know boyfriend will jump at the opportunity.

The other night my boyfriend and I were sitting on a couch and there were some pillows between us. I moved the pillows to sit beside him and ask if he would massage my shoulders for a moment as my back was killing me, but when I moved the pillows, his son came up and jumped onto the couch where I moved the pillows and snuggled up to his dad. I wanted to just scream at that moment but I just bottled it up and said F*ck it.

I'm in a position where a lot of changes are coming my way in the form of beginning a new career. Like I said earlier, I am also dealing with health issues, depression and anxiety issues, and issues with other relationships in my life. I have a full plate and I feel like I'm drowning.

My boyfriend really is a good man. He is faithful and loyal to a T. He never gives me any reason to worry about much of anything. He makes me laugh and has a sweet, loving soul. He was almost perfect for me. Almost.

I have been dancing with the decision of whether or not to leave for far too long. I still can not come to any definite decision. I have tried to leave but boyfriend begs me to stay and because I love him, I usually get really emotional, cry my eyes out, and stay. My heart is an absolute mess.

Can anyone out there advise? This is just so hard on me right now and I am in need of some help. Even maybe professional help.

If you don't run now (like

If you don't run now (like any sane person would do) why don't you move in together and try that out before actually getting married?

My marriage in contingent on his kids turning 18 and launching, that will be in the year 2020.

I refuse to lock myself in any more than what we have now. I too have no bios nor have I ever wanted children so I completely understand the kid makes you want to run but sweet dad makes you want to stay. This is exactly the same reason that we have gotten engaged but are stalling on setting a date. It is the best I could offer while we find our way down the path of his children.

I think if you read what you

I think if you read what you have posted you will see your own answer. This isnt the life you want and thats ok, its your life, you only get one.

I agree with this poster. You

I agree with this poster. You wouldn't move in with a man who makes you unhappy, so don't move in with a kid who makes you unhappy. I made that mistake and here I am, 5 years later, completely miserable.

It doesn't matter why this kid makes you unhappy--we don't get along with everyone we meet whether they are kids or adults. Stay away from people who make you unhappy.

There are plenty of great men out there, go get a better situation for yourself, you deserve it.

Sometimes I wish my SS was

Sometimes I wish my SS was older when I met my DH so I could have had a better idea of what dealing with an older skid was like. Instead, I was woo'd by the cuteness of a 1.5 year old, pretty much still a baby. I don't have any regrets, necessarily, but things may have ended up differently. Listen to your gut.

I'm not sure my opinion is

I'm not sure my opinion is what most would say but every-time I've been asked about being a stepfather I say RUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!!!!!! Then run so more!!! I'm sorry but that's what I believe.

I didn't even read the whole thing, I got to the fourth paragraph and quit when I read "shake the idea that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who has a kid that isn't my own." Well that says it all, the writing is on the wall right in front of you.

Honestly, you'll find someone else who doesn't have kids. I wish I had the same advice or found this website years ago.

Thank you all kindly for the

Thank you all kindly for the responses. Sue, I fully understand what you're saying. I have definitely seen the horror stories on here... Just seems like not many people actually leave. Then again, I suppose those who have left, are busy getting on with their lives. Looking back at my situation and taking all of that into account, it definitely looks like I'd be better off leaving. I'm just afraid, and I'll fully admit that. I'm afraid of where life would go from here. I don't have a whole lot of emotional support in my life when it comes to things like this. I don't have any close friends that I can fully open up to. I do have my family, which I am very grateful for. This is where I'm thinking I need to get some counseling. Not just for the stress this relationship has caused but the stress overall.

And yes, at my age and where I live, its honestly rare to see a single guy without kids. My boyfriend's son was born when boyfriend was 23, and his ex already had kids from previous relationships. Sounded like a setup to me. It may sound really twisted but I can't help but look at the situation and think "why couldn't he have been more careful?" His ex ended up leaving him after the child was born. They briefly got back together and got married when he was an older baby, but they didn't stay together long. Now like I said, the child has 4 other siblings at home. This is why he likes being with daddy - he doesn't have to compete for attention. He doesn't have to share his toys or video games. If boyfriend and I ever had a kid together, things would change and I don't know how well he'd deal with that. He once told his dad that he'd love it if he had a baby brother or sister at daddy's house, but who knows how it would honestly be.

But that really is the honest answer of why I haven't left yet. I'm scared of what happens next. I'm scared of regretting the decision later. But I'm also unhappy right now, and have been for awhile. My emotions have been so scattered, and I've been so caught up in my own health issues and whatnot, that sex has been completely off the table. Boyfriend gets really offended by this as well. I'll be totally honest, if I ever accidentally got pregnant by him and me feeling the way I do now, I'd be beyond devastated.

I'm sorry that my posts are a mile long, guys. Clearly I've had a lot on my chest.

"I have definitely seen the

"I have definitely seen the horror stories on here... Just seems like not many people actually leave. Then again, I suppose those who have left, are busy getting on with their lives."

That's it exactly. People who have left don't need this board, they don't have skid problems that they need to vent about. There are a few on here who come back to update and say how wonderful things are now that they've left, but mostly they are gone and living happily ever after.

Read "Stepmonster" and then

Read "Stepmonster" and then make your decision. If you want advice, I'm giving you the same as everyone else: Leave. It's not worth it. My DH is a wonderful, caring, giving, loving man. But he's a terrible parent. SS11 had the same issues with arguing and has for the 5 years that we've been together and I'm sure before that.

I'm thinking about leaving now too. I am afraid of what's to come in life after, but this unhappiness is not worth all of the good things this man has to offer me. Get out now before you have a house together or start making more of a life together. It'll be much harder later on, trust that.

Hey everyone! I've gotta take

Hey everyone! I've gotta take a second to thank all of you again for the replies. DogMomOnly, I got my hands on the Stepmonster book. I have been reading it over the past couple days. Definitely something everyone in this situation needs to read - wow.

I've been mulling things over for the past few days. Envisioning the future and how I'd like it to play out. I cannot help it at all - the thought of sharing my life with this kid as part of the package literally makes me feel a pressure in my chest. His dad, however, has been very good to me. I feel like such an asshole because he stayed by my side through illnesses, depression (going through another round of depression right now), etc... and now I'm looking at leaving him because of his kid (well, if i'm being totally honest, the kid would not be the only reason that the relationship isn't working...just the biggest deciding factor of whether or not we have a future together).

Like I said, I have been having a relapse in depression lately. I'm not sure if its seasonal, situational, or what - i should probably go get myself some help. I just want out of this mess, as easy as possible. But like someone told me in real life, it might not be so easy to get out. Because boyfriend always starts that "But we can work this out..." and gets me really sad and emotional. I feel so fucking trapped.

He knows how my nerves get really shattered when I've spent too much time around his kid. It was to the point that I literally told him a couple weeks ago to stop talking about the kid so much and leave me the hell alone. Seriously, just shut the FUCK up!!! His response was to get pissy for a couple hours and then say "We can work this out. I know you're on overload right now. He won't be 6 years old forever.."

Life is just one big shit-storm right now.

No, he won't be 6

No, he won't be 6 forever...soon enough he'll be 16 }:) If you think things are bad now fast forward 10 years to a man who does not parent his teenager. I've seen it and it's not pretty! Go to the "teenage stepkid" forum and glimpse your future. No you can't work this out, the kid will always be there. You might be better off getting a kitten or a dog than staying in this unfulfilling relationship.

Update!! So I had a talk with

Update!!

So I had a talk with boyfriend yesterday about how unhappy I was. I talked about how this has been so much tougher on me than I ever could have imagined. I told him that I cant afford the stress anymore. I explained how I just didn't know if I wanted to have kids of my own, let alone feel smothered out with someone else's. He was like "Oh, so you see my son as something you have to "tolerate".." and I was like.. Well, yeah.

Then he was like "So what are you saying?" and appeared as if he was about to cry.

Just to see how serious he took the whole thing, I asked him would he be willing to stick to designated weekends ONLY for awhile and give us a chance to reconnect. He didn't give me one ounce of grief about it, just said "Yes, I can do that, and I want us to work this out."

Now I feel like a total bitch because at least he's willing to try. He's willing to tell his son NO, for me. Yet as much as I love him, I STILL feel like I'm better off leaving, I STILL have no desire to warm up to this child or potentially share my home with him one day. Time hasn't changed anything so far... I still just fantasize about being alone for awhile and discovering who I am on a deeper level.. and then hopefully, if I'm lucky, the right guy and right situation will come along.

I just feel like too much emotional damage has been done so far. Not necessarily in the sense of boyfriend mistreating me or anything, I know he tries and does the best he can most of the time. What I mean by emotional damage, is that I have bitterness in my heart for the child and for the situation. I literally feel it deep down in my bones.

Its just so hard to let go when you love this person and the very thought of hurting them probably crushes your own heart worse than theirs.

The thing is that I just

^^^This said it all to me.

I just commented on your post in the Bio free section, and felt compelled to come here to read this post. Reading the paragraph above sounded like I was reading my own journal, ESPECIALLY the first sentence.

I was 27/almost 28 when I met my husband. His son was 8 at the time. I'm now 30, and wish I could take back my late 20's and start over with a childless guy. Based on what you've written, you will regret staying with your boyfriend, so just leave now. I'm not saying it'll be easy. A breakup is difficult, but you'll get through it. Don't live with regrets.

My SS is 11 now, and he's not even a bad kid. He's really good compared to a lot of the stepkid stories I read on here. Even still, there are just too many complicated emotions that come with the package deal of being with a man who has a kid that's not your own.

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I am stuck in neutral and can't make a decision