I seriously need some support.
Yeah, like the title said. I'm in serious need of support right now. I made a post the other day in General Discussion entitled "stuck in neutral and can't make a decision." Which meant exactly as the title said there as well. Can't decide whether or not to leave my boyfriend. All signs point to YES, yes I should! His child drives me nuts when he's around. I've seriously limited my time around either of them for the past few months and what I've realized here lately is that makes me feel even lonelier. Like what the hell am I doing? What am I waiting around on? I guess we all hoped I would be very much warmed up to the kid by now but that has proven to not be the case.
I want my life back. For ME. Not living in a life that is only draining me and making me sad and confused and sick. I NEED to find my own happiness for once. I've been in such deep thought about what to do, that I've given myself literal chest pain tonight. I'm almost angry at myself right now for letting things go this far. I feel like I used to be a happy go lucky person. I used to be optimistic. I used to be a lot of things. Now I'm just a bitter, lost person. I need to get out of this mess... BF is not abusive or anything like that. He has done what is probably the best he could do, as far as stepping up to the plate and making the kid show some manners and respect every once in awhile. But damn, why am I still screaming on the inside? Why does it feel like my skin is crawling? My intuition is screaming at me to make a move and leave. But then my heart is like "Wow, how could you do that? How could you just leave? After all he's done for you? After all the patience he's had with your illness? What a heartless bitch you are." But I'm not heartless, I couldn't be... because my heart is filled to the brim with love for him. But something is just not right here for me.
If I end it, I know I'm going to miss him... so so much.. for a long time. Its going to damn near kill me. He was supposed to be The One. We once were planning an engagement, a marriage. We both thought this was it. Ending this relationship is going to be something that neither of us will take lightly.
About a month ago, my mother saw that my anxiety had returned with a vengeance for the past couple of months, and when I told her I was having second thoughts about my relationship, she told me to just sit with it awhile. She said "You can't get your anxiety that high again right now by thinking you have to come to some immediate conclusion, just say fuck it and let him and his son go do their thing, you don't have to make any kind of decision overnight."
But I cannot stop thinking about it and its literally driving me mad.
I know I have to be strong here. I have to do what I have to do and I can't depend on someone else to baby me through it. I wish I had a close girlfriend who could be my rock through all of this but I just don't have that right now. I wish there was somewhere I could go for awhile to just leave it all behind, grieve, and then begin anew. I wish I could say that I wouldn't miss him at all but that won't be the case. And the guilt... Oh, the guilt will eat me up. It already does.
So really guys, I just really needed to vent. I really am feeling physical symptoms from the stress even when this kid is many miles away at BM's house. I've got to do something, or I'm going to lose it entirely.
Sweetheart, it's a break up,
Sweetheart, it's a break up, you can do it.
Lots of us here have been throuogh divorce, and that pain can linger for years, but even that fades eventually. I promise you, you'll be in pain for a few weeks, but if you avoid contact, it will pass. Before you know it, you will meet someone new and you won't even think about this guy anymore.
You won't find happiness with this man and you deserve better.
Put yourself first... you can do it.
I can relate to so much of
I can relate to so much of what you're saying right now, except for me, it'd be a divorce and not a breakup. If only I could rewind to the time when my husband was just my boyfriend. Leaving would have been so much easier. I just have to be thankful that he and I haven't had kids yet (we've only been married a year and a half).
Even if things are bad between my husband and I right now, I still have moments where I wonder if leaving is the right thing to do, even though I know deep down that it would be for the best. After you spend so much time with someone, you naturally develop affections for them that you WILL miss. That's why splitting up with someone is such a grieving process. I agree with what LikeMinded said above. Looking back on every breakup in my life, it sucked at the time, but I was amazed by my resilience. I know you'll be fine.
So when I decided that my
So when I decided that my marriage was over, I felt exactly the same as you.
I was bitter and angry and not the person I wanted to be. I felt like I'd lost myself. But I had 2 kids and a house and no job and a million other reasons to stay.
I stayed because my youngest was only 2 1/2 years old. I stayed because I was a SAHM. I stayed because I didn't want to admit that I'd failed. I stayed because exH didn't beat me, he wasn't a drunk, he didn't gamble or steal. He worked hard and paid all the bills so that I could stay home and raise our sons.
I don't have anxiety so that isn't something that I can factor in.
I stayed for 2 1/2 more years and I got angrier and more bitter. I didn't recognize the person I was becoming and I hated her.
My reasons for leaving were complex and very personal but once I left I felt so much lighter. I had no money, my sons and I were living with a girlfriend and her family and I felt wonderful!!! I was my old self and in 2 moths I had a job, child care, and a life I loved. In the past 15 years since I left I've only ever felt guilty about leaving once or twice. I had to mourn the relationship and give up the idea of a perfect life.
Please listen to your inner voice. It's rarely wrong.
{{Hugs}} As a childfree
{{Hugs}}
As a childfree person, I can empathize with you and the internal struggle you're experiencing. You are not alone, and you're not the first cf person who thought they could make it work, only to find their particular step lifestyle isnt right for them.
Since childfree people run the gamut, it can be difficult to know whether one can successfully live with a partner with kids - or with those particular kids. As long as you were up front with your partner about being cf, you should not feel guilty about exiting the relationship. Marriages have ended for far, far less.
You sound like a caring, sensitive person. You didn't ask to be c.f., you're simply wired that way, and that's fine. Move forward, accept who you are, and only date other c.f. people.
Thank you all so very much.
Thank you all so very much. All of you taking the time to reply to me means the world. In my day to day life, I just carry so much guilt about the situation, and so much fear. I have got to work on letting the fear and guilt go. I also try to look at it like they will be better off without me because I'm not cut out for the relationship as it is in this point in my life, and may never be cut out for it. I think part of that guilt eats at me because BF has been so patient with me when it comes to so much. Not that I should care what others around me think but I have a feeling everyone will see me as a total b*tch for leaving... like "Oh yeah, she left him, I heard a lot of it had to do with his son.. after all he did for her." You all know the drill.
And I know he's not going to just let me go so easily. He will likely say a lot of things over the next little while to try and convince me that I'm making a mistake. He's also going through a hard time with his job again and I hate the idea of putting so much extra stress on him. I will try to find the right time to do it, even though there probably is no "right time". I just want this to be as clean of a break as possible.
Every time I've attempted to leave in the past, he comes at me with some really deep shit.. Like "But I've already planned on spending the rest of my life with you." and "I want nothing more on this earth than to be with you forever, until the day I'm not on this earth anymore"... Makes me bawl like a baby.
But this has gone on too long. I am carrying to heavy of a burden in my heart. I have got to make a move soon, I just need to get the balls to REALLY do it.
Thank you all again.
Thank you!! Maybe that is
Thank you!! Maybe that is where I am going wrong... Maybe when I'm talking to him I'm still making it sound like there is something HE needs to be doing. I used to think that was actually the case - that BF needed to make the kid walk the chalk to spare my nerves and everything would be fine. That's called being naive. lol.
So, kinda off topic a little,
So, kinda off topic a little, but last night this guy I used to know tried to hit on me on Facebook. He knew I was unavailable and that didn't stop him from continuing to try. I've noticed a real surge lately in guys being extra sleazy. Even though I wouldn't date or have anything to do with another man for a good while after the fact, it gives me the heebie jeebies sometimes to see how some guys behave out there, especially on social media. It never fails, right after I endure a breakup or am in the process of breaking up, I see dudes all around me showing just how sleazy they can be and it makes me want to puke. And run. And gives me second thoughts about whether breaking up with this GOOD person is really a good idea. Not that I'm looking for an excuse to turn the bus back around, just kinda shook me up a bit.
It all boils down to the fact
It all boils down to the fact that you are c.f., and he is a parent. These are circumstances that can't be changed.
Being in a relationship shouldn't cause you to suffer anxiety. That's your body telling you that you are NOT in a good place. You've tried, and tried some more to make this work, the two of you have fiddled with the knobs and rearranged the deck chairs, and you are still very unhappy. Many relationships fail due to differences in culture, religion, parenting or money management styles, etc. And many of those couples would tell you that love was not enough to overcome such differences.
Please try to work on accepting and loving your true self. Let go of the guilt and give yourself a break. You didn't deceive your SO, and it's not like being c.f. comes with a handbook. The truly loving thing to do would be to set the guy free so that you both can move on to more authentic lives.