Is it just Skids or are all teens a pain??
So today we are dealing with SS not SD (thank God). Compared to SD he's a walk in the park!!
Anyhow, this is the 1st week back to school! I whish that were a good thing, but its not because he spent the week before school at BM's house.
Let me give you a little background... DH and BM have been divorced 11 years. SD lived with mom till she had a baby at 17. We have primary custody of SS because BM is worthless. She apparently is "disabled" and can't work. She is a pill popping, co-dependent, waste of space, and it putting it nicely! BM still lives at home with mommy and daddy and is in her mid 40's!! She hardly comes to pick up my SS it's normally her parents who come and get him. Her parents are in there late 70's and drive 2 1/2 hours each way, because this POS is to lazy to care for her own child. She has stolen every cent that kids have inherited and used it for cigarettes, tattoos, booze, and I'm wouldn't put past her if she has purchased illegal drugs (although I have no really proof of it).
So anyway, back to my SS and not that worthless POS egg donor!! He spent the last part of winter break at his BM's, I guess I should add in that they do not have any rules in that house. He is allowed to do whatever he wants, and she has even told us that in writing. When is gone I typically try to communicate with him, via text, to keep him on track and hopefully minimize the damage when comes home. Well, I noticed while he was gone he seemed very distance. He was very short in his text, and all of his answers very vague. A typical response was just "yes ma'am" I had mentioned something to his DH, who said lets just see what this week holds... well low and behold, it has been a nightmare!! He just has this careless attitude. He has, in the short time he been back, lost his all of privileges, and has done butterflies for the last 3 nights in a row. His father has come each day, and told him this behavior is unactable and he is on the verge of losing more than just his privileges. Let's just say it has been more than frustrating, for by DH and myself. I guess I should also mention that this child is extremely suborn!! He will take punishment over doing something he doesn't "feel like doing" The beginning of the school year we had this same issue. It spiraled out of control and we had to get every single of his teachers involved! He also refuse to talk, he it makes him uncomfortable he'll start to make things up about other. He likes to deflect from his faults, and never I mean NEVER owns up to his mistakes. He always find excuses for it wasn't his fault. I whish I knew what we could do, but he just seems to prefer doing EVERYTHING hard way. He would rather clean up a mess than just do something right the 1st time and move on with day. It very upsetting to both DH and I.
Is this behavior because he's a teenager or because he comes from a split home?? We would really like to make things go back to they were before this last break... does anyone have and advice on how to deal with this and help him get back on track?
We have noticed he dose
We have noticed he dose particularly well when he hasn't been up there for a while. I wish we could just keep him here all the time so that he could excel. I just don't understand how someone could care so little for their own child. It's so upsetting that he is the one to suffer, because she is so selfish.
Err.. some people shouldn't be allowed to have children!!
Sorry, I just get very upset over this.
Having kids,period, is a
Having kids,period, is a crapshoot !!!!
If i had to do it over again,I would have had NO kids !!!!!!
I actually think that this is
I actually think that this is pretty normal teenage behavior that is being exacerbated by the situation. I highly recommend reading the book "The Teenage Brain" by Frances Jensen. The sullen attitude, the lack of talking, the not wanting to do chores...all totally normal teenage behavior. Unfortunately the first poster is right...there is no magic bullet and a lot of what works is trial and error. It sounds like you have him most of the time and it really sounds like you are doing everything right so just keep at it. Have you tried more of a reward system? We switched from punishment to reward about two years ago with SS15. It seriously took like an entire year to change some of his behaviors but now we don't fight about chores (he is still sullen, doesn't talk, spends most of his time in his room and we have yet to influence some of his other behaviors or poor decisions but we also don't have him very often). Instead of punishing him for not doing chores, we pay him, per chore. No chores, no money, his choice. The more chores he does, the more money he gets. Again it took a LONG time for that to work but eventually it did. Teenagers are really hard!
I will defiantly have look
I will defiantly have look into that book! We do have about 90% of the time, which I know is good for him. We have also tried a rewards system with him. It worked when he was younger about 9 or so, but he could care less if he earns anything. He was supposed to go to work with my husband over our portion of winter break, and seemed to excite him, but the circumstances changed and DH wasn't able to bring him, which I know upset him.
He is only sullen when he's upset. If he's happy, this boy will talk your ear off! Sometimes, he will just talk to talk and it will be about nothing mane absolutely no sense lol Which is why I know something is bothering him, I just don't know what, and I know he wont talk about because he's upset. I have tried to have him write in a journal about his feelings, but he ever really writes about what he did that day. He never address how he feels, so that was much help.
I'm hoping this is just the 1st week back funk and that he will shake off, but I just can't seem to help feeling like something is wrong. I guess I was just really thrown by the distance he was in texts, which is why I believe something happened while he was there. I know he did mention, that his sister had gotten engaged, and I wonder if that might be upsetting him? My DH seems to think not, but I seem to think so. He is not very found of his sister, and I'm wondering if he might feel jealous because he knows what little attention he has been getting there, he wont be getting because of wedding planning. I don't know maybe I'm just reading too much into this and worrying for nothing. I just don't want to back slide, because it was so hard to get behavior to point where he was actually progressing.
I think our SS's might be
I think our SS's might be separated at birth.
One minute it's non-stop talking, then next it's silence and shutting everyone out. Maybe something did happen when he was at mom's, maybe he is upset about his sister...you may never know. You continue to provide a loving and supportive environment that has consistent rules and boundaries and then if and when he is ready to talk, he knows he can come to you. Trying to force it out of him will just cause him to shut down.
They might have been! haha
They might have been! haha Just last night, my husband was telling to talk to him and see if something happened while he was gone. My response back was; "we just have ride it out for now. When he's in a better mood he will let me know what happen."
I did, however, have a little talk with my SS coach after his game yesterday about his behavior. I'm hoping that might have lit a fire under him! (fingers crossed)
After reading your comment,
After reading your comment, it make sense... it's a power struggle! It's like a little light when off in head!! Why didn't I even think of that?? But...I still need know what this talk" is!! If I can get him turn around in 24-48 hours that would just be beyond words!! Please share!!
36 hours of being up, isn't that considered negligence?? Can we just take all the bad bio's and toss them in some waste land to rot? The kids would really benefit so much if those negative examples were not part of their lives. Then again, that's just my personal opinion. I hate seeing what some of the bio's do to their own children. It makes me sick!!
Oh did he ever have an
Oh did he ever have an attitude the other when he had to do butterflies for not getting agenda book signed. For those of you that don't what butterflies are, they are wonderful!! lol Although SS doesn't seem to think so since he does A LOT of them!! The child faces the wall and has to have his arms up parallel to the ground, and has to hold it for 5, 10, 15 mins whatever you determine to be an adequate amount of time. Basically, they look like a goal post. Here's why they hate them so much... if their arms move, them we start over. We keep doing it till does it right for the full amount of time! hehe... yes, you can say I am evil }:) but you would be surprised how wonderfully they work!
Now he does throw his fair share of fits because of it but... in the end he does them, because other wise he deals with dad. It really helps that my husband supports me in the things I do regarding my SS. It took him a while, but now that we are on the same page. It has made it somewhat easier. It would be a lot easier if BM would just fall off the face of earth, but I'm not that lucky.
When my SS gets attitude or tries to talk back it actually makes me laugh (I know, so mean right?)... because then dad finds out about, and well... That doesn't fly with dad. Dad was born in the South. Where it is yes ma'am/yes sir, don't talk back to parents/adults, respect your elders, ect. Now, I do enforce consequences since he lives under my roof. I have made it very clear to both SS and DH, no I am not his mother, but I am an adult, and does live under my roof. Therefore he will follow my rules and treat me with respect. Just as he would any other adult. When he choices to be disrespectfully, I give him a taste of his own medicine and treat him with the same amount of respect. It makes him sooo mad! haha Then when he is done with his little fit, I let him know that when he decides to show respect, I will show him respect, and that the only person who is being bothered by it his because he is one losing out, not me. Basically I just take all of his power away, by eliminating the power struggle. Boy does it hate it!! hehe... I'm such a mean stepmonster!
This method of mutual respect typically works with him, unless something happens at BM's house. Then... we are left with what we are going through now. Fingers crossed this doesn't last long, but I have a funny feeling we are in for another battle!