I'm pretty sure I'm close to the end of my rope!
So, I'm new to this, but I feel like I am drowning and don't know what else to do.
Let me give you a little background. I have 2 step children. My SS(13) lives with my husband and I, and my SD (19) was living with her mother, until recently. My husband and his ex have been divorced for 11 years, and we have been together for 5 years, married for 3 years. My SD has been nothing but trouble. You name it she's done it! Over the years she has made threats to her father and I, endangered her little bother, and so forth. I honestly cannot stand her. I am the sort of person who feels that you should have to work for the things you have. My SS has errand everything he has. He kept his grades up, and works hard to get the things he wants. My SD on the other hand, not so much. My husband finds every excuse her behavior, and the only time she even talks to him or I is when she wants something.
For example: she had texted me a while back asking for money to buy car, because she needed a car to get a job and have transpiration in case of an emergency with her son (I forgot to note, she got pregnant at 17). My response back to her was: after everything you have put your father, brother, and I through you now want my help? and I basically told her she made this choice in life she needs to figure out how deal with it and figure it out. Her response back was that she never did anything, and I need to get over it. She never even attempted to apologize.
Well fast forward a few months, she is now engaged to get married. Nothing has been said about paying for the wedding, but I do not feel I owe this girl anything, my husband wants to pay for it, but I don't feel we owe her anything. Am I wrong for not wanting to have anything to with her or wanting to spend a dime on her wedding? My husband seems to think so, and it has started and a lot of strain and arguments to our relationship. Please help!!! I feel like I am going to explode! Honestly, I'm to the point I just want to call it quits.
And another thing, how is fair to the SS who has to follow the rules? The SD is allowed to what she wants, because she's the SD.
Please help!!! I feel like I am going to explode!
I would not want to pay for
I would not want to pay for her wedding but if your DH insists, is he willing to put a limit on it and have it be a very modest wedding? If he's going to do it regardless, maybe you can control the damage.
Personally, I think most weddings are such a waste of money.
My SD24 is currently engaged. She has been married once already and eloped the first time. I know my DH won't pay for a wedding and I'm sure she knows it, so I think I'm in the clear.
I hope she just elopes again. Actually, I hope she doesn't marry this guy but that's a different story.
Setting a limit might be the
Setting a limit might be the only damage control I have! I hoping she elopes as well. That money could be spend on more important things, like her child!
Yes, I think that's in the
Yes, I think that's in the rule book: If your own child is in attendance, you pay for your own wedding!
Have him offer to pay for
Have him offer to pay for some simple things like the DJ or the food. Then he's doing his part but there's a limit.
Your DH should give her a
Your DH should give her a check (not too much - maybe $100 or $200 max) for the wedding and tell her it is her wedding present. Done.
NO ONE should ever offer to pay for an event in total. That just screams "abuse me financially".
That's actually a really good
That's actually a really good idea! Then everyone is semi happy. I still think she has more important things to spend money on other than a wedding, but then again, I'm not really found of her in the 1st place.
Yep, my SD24 got married at
Yep, my SD24 got married at 18, and was divorced less than 4 years later. Now, she's set to marry another loser.
I know I was the same at 18.
I know I was the same at 18. That's why I didn't go to college till I was in my mid 20's!
And thank you for the encouragement, God knows I need it right now!
I know I was the same at 18.
I know I was the same at 18. That's why I didn't go to college till I was in my mid 20's!
And thank you for the encouragement, God knows I need it right now!
The sad part it the guy is
The sad part it the guy is half decent. She on the other hand, not so much. I feel really bad for the guy that got suckered into marring her, because he "though it was the right thing to do" If she is anything like her BM, which she is, he will be running for hills sooner than he knows! And I pray he takes the child with him so she doesn't do any damage to that child like her mother has done to her. Call it mean, but it is the God honest truth! Sad to say.
Oh yes, this girl is a piece
Oh yes, this girl is a piece of work... and that is saying it as nicely as I can!! I don't mind paying for stuff, so long as they work for it! That's how I was raised, you work for the things you have, but handouts are another story and I don't do handouts!
Yes, total asholes! And they
Yes, total asholes! And they are supposed to run our country one day! We are doomed!! :O
I headed SS30 and his GF off
I headed SS30 and his GF off at the pass when they "accidentally" got pregnant. I bought the baby some cute outfits at the outlet mall for about $10. No we were not buying the crib, changing table or a $300 stroller.
If they decide to get married (I hope not) we will NOT be paying for it. What works for me is that I ask DH what his parents (of very modest means) did when he had children.
I wish that would work, but
I wish that would work, but HD parents feel as if you buy your child whatever they want to show love. Hence, the reason why he wants to pay. I just for the life of me can't understand why he makes these exceptions for her, but for SS. They are both his children, but he has a double standard when it comes to them. It's very frustrating. Oh, and don't get me started on my mother-in-law. She's a piece of work as well!!
Can I just say THANK YOU to
Can I just say THANK YOU to all of you!! I'm so glad to finally have a sounding board, know that I'm not a horrible person like my HD can make feel when it comes to SD!! I have had to keep this all in for way too long, and it is nice to finally have some sort of relief!! Thank you so much for your support!!
I agree with some of the
I agree with some of the other posters; suggest to DH that he send $100 toward the wedding expenses. Tell DH you are not spending one dime of your money on it. If he insists on sending her more money, tell him that his contribution can not have any effect on his retirement funds. If it does, raise hell.
My DH paid for all sorts of stuff for SD, college, wedding, and placed money in her bank account when she was making more money then he was. As a result, he has a very limited retirement so he can not even afford to purchase a decent car.
If SD is grown up enough to have kids she is grown up enough to pay for her own wedding.
I don't see an issue with
I don't see an issue with "gifting" her some money. I just have a problem with paying for her wedding. And to be completely honest, if she cannot afford a car then why is spending money on a wedding? Of course DH doesn't see it that way. I personally think that she should elope and worry about money for her family. Then again, she's 19 and doesn't have a clue, since the father of her child supports her. Let me tell you so frustrating!!
Oh and I have to break the news to DH that I will not be at this wedding. Along with not being able to stand my SD, her BM, I cannot stand my in-laws. This is going to be one hell of fight, but I don't feel I need to waste my time with people who have no respect for me. He can go, but I am not going!!
"I will not be at this
"I will not be at this wedding." Can't blame you there! Several times posters have suggested that the SM do something very special for herself while DH is at a skids wedding. I think it's a good idea.
That is not a bad idea... I
That is not a bad idea... I just might have to spend the day at the spa or maybe go have a girls day/weekend!