How to deal with DH's lies & betrayal
Okay, let me start with giving you an idea of some the issues I have dealt with in the past... My husband started a relationship with based off of lies about his past and some of his current situations. About 3 years into our relationship, he is caught in ALL of his lies. A whole mess crap happens, including him serving sometime. I like a fool, decide to give him a chance. He promises me that he will never lie to me again, and that until his family corrects there wrong with me he will have not part in them.
Well, fast forwards, about 2 years (which would be now)... or really I should say since April. As of April he has been talking to his family, and telling me that he's not. I then found out, he has as actually seen his daughter. When he has told me he has nothing to do with her. I keep catching him in all of these lies, and I can't help but fell betrayed. I feel as if he is living a double life. Telling me one thing, but being a completely different person while we are apart. And quite frankly I don't feel like I can ever trust him or believe him.
I don't what to do. I keep burying my feelings, but they are not at the point of exploding. Please help!
The reason he isn't supposed
The reason he isn't supposed to see/talk her is because after everything she has done he told me and made a promise to me that he wouldn't until she made things right with both of us. She is a very disrespectful person. She had made threats to harm him & myself, and has endangered my SS on numerous occasions. Just to name a few things. After he served his time, he promised to support me, and promised that until everyone (including his BD) made amends he would stand by me and back me up, but it turns out he is not backing me up at all. Instead, he just going behind my back and breaking his promise.
I am so hurt, and feel like I am alone in this marriage. I feel as if I am not important enough to keep a promise to. There is a lot more to all of this, but don't really want to post it...
I asked for him to stand by
I asked for him to stand by what he said to me. I didn't ask for him to stop speaking to her. He is one that said he would having to with her till she made it right, and she had cut herself out of his life a long time ago. I am the reason he has even attempted to mend his relationship with her. So before you acting like I'm denying him something, you might want ask.
I did not know at the time I
I did not know at the time I meet him or married him that he was a liar. I found this out after he was arrested.
I did not know at the time I
I did not know at the time I meet him or married him that he was a liar. I found this out after he was arrested.
I know how I would deal with
I know how I would deal with it: I would Leave. Not over him talking to his daughter...unless there is some seriously screwed up stuff with her (like she molested your child or something) then I think it's not reasonable to expect a parent to cut a kid totally out of their life. I'd leave because he is a serial liar and a criminal.
^^^^BINGO!^^^^ When you were
^^^^BINGO!^^^^
When you were a little girl, did you dream of growing up and being with a criminal who is a serial liar? Did you plan for a life like this?? Move on, girl! Love isn't supposed to hurt. You are NEVER going to get what you want from this particular man.
Just wondering what's in this
Just wondering what's in this relationship for you? How is your husband building you up, supporting you, and helping you fulfill your dreams? Why are you happier and how is your life better because you're with him?
I guess the only real thing I
I guess the only real thing I say is... I have been able to achieve on of my professional dreams because of him. Other than that, not much. He hasn't followed through any of his promise to me other than starting a business, and allowing me to grow that business.
I'm glad to hear there's
I'm glad to hear there's something positive. Being able to grow a business is a great skill that you'll always have and be able to build upon. Focus on the positive aspects of what you can control and go from there.
You can't control his
You can't control his behavior. But what you can do is set boundaries for yourself. What do you need to happen if you catch him in a lie? Separation? Counseling? (I'd recommend individual for you and for him, rather than couples--he has an issue with being honest and you have an issue dealing with his dishonesty and the betrayal that you rightly feel.) If all you do is get mad, argue, then move on with nothing changing, nothing will ever change. It is easier for him to lie and take the chance of not being found out than it is for him to tell the truth. You have to require a change, or learn to live with the lies.
I am probably in the minority here, but I do not believe in "once a liar (or cheater or whatever), always a liar (or whatever)". People can and do change. Sometimes people have to be forced into looking at themselves in a mirror, but change is possible if the person is willing to do the hard work of changing.
I have told to seek
I have told to seek counseling many of times, and he always agrees to it but then never does it. He'll find whatever excuse he can. That to me tells me he doesn't want to change. This last, I told him he needed to get counseling he told no he could do it without help... I just need to find the strength to walk away. He doesn't want to change, their for he will never change.
Then YOU go to counseling
Then YOU go to counseling yourself. Find out what is stopping you from taking the step you seem to know you need to take. You are strong, smart, and deserve more than living with a liar who refuses to be the partner you need. Nah, that's no way to live.
Thank you Merry for saying
Thank you Merry for saying that. I know something needs to change, but I just don't know why I'm so scared to make the change. I've always been the type of person who was able to set her foot down, but I don't know why with him I haven't/can't. I don't know what I'm so scared of.
I don't agree with him not
I don't agree with him not seeing his child on your say-so. That is wrong.
As for all the rest, he has already proven that he has no intention of changing. So it's up to you whether you can accept it and stay, or whether your digniy, sanity and peace of mind require that you leave him in the dust...
If you would have read the
If you would have read the clarification, he is the one that said that, not me. I did not ask him to not talk to them, he is the one that said he wouldn't. I simply asked to have them make things right.