Husband's feelings about SM's feelings towards SKs
I have disengaged from my SD12. I mentioned some of the issues in previous posts with her hygiene and ungrateful attitude. I didn't shop for SD for Christmas this year and instead she just got money. She said outright that she prefers money so I guess I didn't need to worry that I was being too mean by not shopping for a thoughtful gift.
As most of you have experienced, we had her much more than usual because of the Christmas break. I still did my usual method of encouraging my DH to spend one on one time with her and I took frequent breaks of my own so I could keep my attitude in check. Still,the extra contact made it hard. She and I just have very different personalities and she has some characteristics/habits/whatever that I find very annoying and frustrating. I hide these feelings as much as I can and take breaks etc but sometimes I get a slightly pissy attitude from holding it all in.
This happened again last night after SD did something that I found selfish and annoying. I didn't say anything about it and tried to hide the annoyance but I used a snappy tone with DH so he got pissed at me and started giving me the silent treatment. I really really hate the silent treatment and struggle to not turn into a raging bitch when he does that.
Anyway - he knows that SD annoys me. I've pointed out that I try to NOT show it and I try to still be a "good" SM by shifting my role to a facilitator as I do the housework etc so he can go have one on one time with SD. I'm trying to find a way to at least do no harm to SD. I am disengaged but I'm not mean about it.
My DH says that it's not "fair" to me to have to put up with annoyance all the time. If I don't hide my annoyance enough we fight.
My DH doesn't care for one of my sons. He's not mean or rude to my son - he's bawically disengaged as I am with SD. I'm OK with that but I don't think DH is OK with me not being all warm and fuzzy about SD.
I thought disengaging would save my marriage but now I'm worried that even though we're not fighting directly about SD's behavior, I still have times where I have to suppress my emotions more than I think I should have to. Now we fight because I get annoyed so don't have the right tone or look pissed off. I think it's the underlying problem that I get annoyed with SD. He won't talk to me about it - just goes silent.
Can a marriage survive and thrive in this situation?? Is he going to resent me more and more because I don't put his little princess on a pedestal?
I don't think a marriage can
I don't think a marriage can survive or thrive at all if the two involved cannot communicate.
It sounds like he should be able to understand where you are coming from, since he feels the same way about your son, so the least he can do is hear you out and knock off the double standard.
I'm not stomping around the
I'm not stomping around the house like a child...yesterday it was because I had a tone when I made a comment. A couple days ago it was because I was chatting too much so according to him trying to cover up annoyance. Not bitchy chatter - I was cleaning the kitchen and DH came in the room and started talking and I was mentioning dinner plans and other light topics. The other day it was the look on my face - I was alone in a room and he walked in and I didn't set my face fast enough so he saw I was tense.
I'm working on ignoring her annoying habits but it's hard and it's not going to happen over night. I try to do other things when it starts to get to me but sometimes that's not possible because of where we are or what's going on at the time. None of her habits bother DH so he's never going to say anything.
I probably should leave. I'm avoiding making that decision because I do really love DH. I feel like a bad person for getting annoyed. I hate myself all the time for it. I keep trying to find a way to live peacefully. I don't want my SD to feel bad - I don't hate her. I'm trying.
Maybe there is something wrong with me that I can't just ignore it and not get frustrated. Maybe I'm doing more harm than good and should just be alone. Trying isn't always enough.
My boys and I made a significant move to live here so it would mean changing schools again and a lot of other BS to divorce. My sons are in high school so not an easy thing.
I've screwed up everybody's lives by getting married. My sons for moving them here and now maybe moving again. My SD because I can't be the warm and fuzzy SM, my husband because now he has to deal with the hurt of a wife who isn't the sm he wanted for his daughter. I feel so hopeless and like such a terrible terrible person.
So YOU have a tone. YOU
So YOU have a tone. YOU chatter too much. YOU have an unacceptable facial expression. Yet he won't talk to you about any of this nor will he correct his child when she is being selfish. He wants YOU to change, but he is unwilling to see his one role in this. Just no. That's not how a committed marriage works.
Two people make a marriage, and if he won't talk with you, or try to lessen your frustrations, or parent his child, you are in fact doomed. All the work and responsibility is not yours alone. HE needs to step up to show you are loved and cherished. What do YOU need from HIM? Do you know? And have you asked him for whatever that is?
I bet your annoyance is more with him than with his daughter.
Hello - New to this. In every
Hello - New to this. In every way. I really feel for you. I'm in a very similar position with my 12yo SD. She's extremely unpleasant and her mum is trying to work on her attitude, but she behaves in a disrespectful manner, nearly all the time. Every day she disappoints and makes personal comments. Her BM (my wife) tries to work on making her behaviour improve, but she doesn't appear to care. She turns into the 'mini wife' and makes drama as often as possible, which has made me pack my bags twice. She's 'only' 12 and can be a little beast.
In reply to the pressure it's putting on your relationship with your husband, it IS real. It COULD split you up. Being told to 'suck it up' and 'She's only 12' aren't realistic.
I don't know if you've read 'Stepmonster'? I just downloaded the Audio book yesterday and it really helped. ....I was a bit naughty and played it out loud so the wife could hear it. She said 'eurgh....that's really negative', I replied that these are exactly the feelings I'm having. It's really made me feel better about my feelings towards the SD.
You aren't alone. I feel that your DH needs to take more responsibility. You need some more time to decompress. I'm working on my 'pissyness' too!
Rant away as much as you like to me! I won't judge!
Your dh is ridiculous.
Your dh is ridiculous. Stonewalling you is a way to try to manipulate you. The most he can expect is kindness from you so if you're having a hard time with it make yourself as scarce as possible when she's around. And step monster is a good book but your dh needs to read it. I'd bet dollars to donuts your resentment stems from his lack of parenting and having you constantly under a microscope. In the end I wouldn't leave unless you have done marriage counseling or he refuses to go
Your dh is ridiculous.
Your dh is ridiculous. Stonewalling you is a way to try to manipulate you. The most he can expect is kindness from you so if you're having a hard time with it make yourself as scarce as possible when she's around. And step monster is a good book but your dh needs to read it. I'd bet dollars to donuts your resentment stems from his lack of parenting and having you constantly under a microscope. In the end I wouldn't leave unless you have done marriage counseling or he refuses to go
Stepmonster is an awesome
Stepmonster is an awesome book. Maybe I need to re-read it or at least parts of it as it did make me feel better when I read it the first time. I know intellectually it's normal to not love her as I would my own bio kid but I still feel guilt about it. I wish I could just be "allowed" to be like a friendly roommate to her - it's what I've tried to do with disengaging. I also do make myself busy, do things with my biokids, and facilitate one on one time between DH and SD when she's here (half the week). It helps and works most of the time but if DH even gets a hint that I'm frustrated I have to deal with passive aggressive BS and that's really hard for me. He's still only minimally speaking to me after I made a snappy comment on Sunday. So there are other problems in our marriage. I have to be perfect or I get the silent treatment and withdrawal. I'm starting to not care. I was single for 12 years before marriage and have been with DH for almost 3 years now. I had a good life - very full and family-oriented. If I didn't have to worry about my sons changing schools again I would be gone.
My DH is not going to change his parenting style. We had agreed a few weeks ago that he would address her hygiene issues and have her do a chore on at least 2 days out of the time she's here. That went out the window over Christmas break. She was here longer but still did no chores and the smell from her room was terrible. I just kept my mouth shut as I said I was leaving all that up to him. He'll make a change for a week or two and then goes back to his usual passivity. He also disagrees totally with teaching manners. I just don't see it improving.
I'm miserable most of the time. It really isn't working out. I should divorce and rebuild my life again but I don't want to hurt my sons and I did really love my DH when we got married. It's starting to erode though with all the conflict and my frustration and disgust with his lack of parenting or empathy for what I'm going through. Before I get jumped on, I DO have empathy for him and his position. That's why I'm trying to help him have one on one time with his kids and I've adjusted my parenting drastically to become less strict (this was before I decided to disengage).
I feel trapped and miserable.