Done with SD... and maybe husband
I am tired of having the same fight over and over. I don’t know if I am even happy or just use to it. I do care about my husband but don’t think we are healthy for each other, conversations turn in to fights, sarcastic remarks and name calling. This relationship seems doomed due to our lack of ability to communicate and then throw step kids into the mix….I am tired of feeling like an outsider or that I am living someone’s life while mine is on hold. The main issue is SD (almost 16). We have had a rocky relationship for some time now. The straw that broke the camel’s back are her smart ass remarks about my marriage and life. LIFE…something she has no real idea about. I feel DH is too focused on being her friend. Also, she has no chores and leaves everything she touches where it shouldn’t be. If we ask her to do the dishes she at first used the excuse she doesn’t know how… then it’s sighing and complaining the whole time. And ends with me redoing them because they are still dirty. Another thing that recently put me over the edge, she had her BF over and they were outside in our patio playing games and apparently our window ( just the screen and frame) got broken. She felt she didn’t need to tell us. Complains whenever we ask her to clean her room and says it’s all her little sisters’ mess, I doubt old shopping bags, cups and panty liners are her 8 yr old sisters. When H tried to talk to her about the screen being ripped and broken she said “don’t talk to me like that or I won’t listen” She is constantly running H and he is blind to it. With the disrespectful comments and how H lets her get away with everything, I have grown to strongly dislike her and want absolutely nothing to do with her. My husband is the problem as well. I have asked him numerous times to talk to me before allowing people to come over. Once again he forgot and said SD’s friend could stay the nighte. Without the kids doing any chores or any consequence for her inappropriate comment and damaging our home.
I don't feel my expectations are too hard but the longer and longer I have to fight for the same thing over and over. the more detached I become. Maybe I am just a bitch..idk but I have realized at 27... I CANT and WONT deal with a bratty 16yr old. N
I have finally told H the truth ‘I do not like her and when she is here I would like to separate myself’ Im tired of doing shit for people who don’t give two shits about me. I am done. And it feels good, just have to follow thru this time. Im exhausted Had I known what I know now… NEVER EVER would I sign up for this life again.
Anyway new to this site... like that its more real. the other website I was on seemed to be so sugarcoated and always our problem. Can I just not care for a bit...can I put myself first for awhile. I miss how that felt. Not how I imagined married life would be like
Im not really surprised she's
Im not really surprised she's bratty, im disappointed in how her father handles it. He allows it. We had a good relationship when she was 12 but that ship has sailed. She got worse once me and H got married. Im just ready to disengage. She is too old for me to try to be a parent to.
I have brought up counseling with him and he seems to think its more of a me problem. We'll se if I can get him to go.
I have started, Tuesday will
I have started, Tuesday will be my 3rd session. and OMG you feel such a weight lifted off your shoulders when you leave. I don't think my counselor/therapist likes the sound of my husband. She advises i be hesitant on having a baby with him and said if you can live without him, do it. lol But she does make it easier to deal with the kids
Not a Debbie downer at all. I
Not a Debbie downer at all. I appreciate your comment and honesty. I know I could be living a better, easier life but I keep having this hope that things will improve. My mom dreaded the thought of me marrying this man. I have so much guilt because she passed away expectantly, I feel I owe it to her to live the happiest life I can and currently its not this. I would hate to look back 10 years from now and regret the life I chose.
And yes my husband is a pussy when it comes to his kids. I told him the other day that he has no balls when it comes to them. He admits he caters to them cuz he doesn't want to lose them. (he lost her for about 6 months and had to fight to get visitation. Now has 50/50)
I work. Always have since I was 16. I do Accounts Receivable, not bad but not what I want to do forever. Considered going to school for a degree in accounting.
( sorry if these seems like a pity party )
Thank you so much Cat. I will
Thank you so much Cat. I will take your advice. I miss having motherly advice. Its definitely a different world without her. And thank you for what you said about my mom, means a lot.
I will put me first for now on I married him to be his wife not a maid or doormat. I am slowly taking steps to prioritize my happiness first. Again thank you so much for your advice and support
Welcome. I hope you find this
Welcome. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the blended family adventure.
The welcome delivered ... have the locks rekeyed and inform DH that he and his spawn won't be back in until he steps up and parents, he enforces acceptable behavior boundaries with his children including how they treat his wife, and ... they all three get the home clean and orderly. Let them know that the locks get rekeyed as soon as the house is no longer orderly or DH or Skid behavior deviates from YOUR acceptable.
That ought to get the message across. Once you get to the end of your rope ... move on. There is no need to abandon your own life to this kind of toxic bullshit.
Take care of yourself.
thanks for the welcoming!
thanks for the welcoming! Reading all your stories make me feel so much better that I am not alone in this battle plus there are some pretty funny comments on here. I love it, you ladies are awesome.
haha I could imagine the looks on their faces if I did that.
And yes this is toxic bullshit. I will no longer cater to my pathetic husbands beck and call.
I went on strike a week ago with chores and he acted like it was the end of the world. Why should I have daily chores if no one else does. Now he can see how much I do and how a little help goes a long way.
Good on you for being
Good on you for being assertive and holding DH and the spawn accountable for their behaviors.
BTW ... I am StepDad not a StepMom. But as they say.... that is just a detail.
Take care of yourself.
haha oops! well awesome men
haha oops! well awesome men as well apparently.
I wish H would take steps such as a forum, you tube videos or counseling ANYTHING to help us parent more on the same page. Or even for or relationship issues. I'll try to be more positive when approaching suggestions like these.
You take care of yourself as well and thanks for advice
I'm sorry about your mom
I'm sorry about your mom passing. That must have been very hard as you are pretty young. Sweetie, many of us on this site are old enough to be your mom. So take if from some anonymous but caring moms, you need to think very very hard about what your life is going to look like in five years.
If you stay your SD will be and adult too. It's likely DH will still be rescuing and excusing her. There aren't enough years left to change the game.
If you go, what will your life look like?
Divorce is hard and it sucks and it's crappy to have it on public record that you failed at something. Yet there is the old adage that it's better to have tried and failed than not to have tried at all.
These days divorce is fairly common so you won't be looked at funny for being divorced at 27/28. You have DECADES ahead of you. Look at what you will regret if you look back in 30 years. I think that will give you your answer to stay or go.
Thank You! I didn't think
Thank You!
I didn't think about this continuing in to adulthood, but the way this is going im sure it will. UGH how I was looking forward to the day she was 18 and no more.
If need be I am not afraid of divorce. In the end its all just a piece of paper, like you said its very common these days. A happy life is the most important thing, we only get one. (that I know of)
Please keep in mind that the
Please keep in mind that the magic "18" doesn't necessarily make things better... If you read other's posts, you will notice that there are lots of situations where it actually gets worse. Take the advice that the others have offered... don't hang on waiting for her to turn 18. If she's this horrid at 16, it's pretty likely that she'll be that much worse in another 2 years.
Dood is right. SD19 is
Dood is right. SD19 is horrible and full of herself. The number 18 is by no means MAGICAL. It only makes it more frustrating because these kids should be starting to act like adults, we want to treat them like adults, and they are just overgrown babies with air in between their ears.
~ Moon
Yep... and the type of
Yep... and the type of 'stuff' they do (or don't do) is larger, bigger, "worser", and more expensive....
We separated before and im
We separated before and im kicking myself for falling for his act again.
We also have fertility issues (not on my end) and makes it one million times harder to deal with his kids. So there is also a pressure to have my own baby that he cant give easily. My mom wanted me to have one so bad and I hate that my babies wont get to know her.
But he has a lot of factors working against him and all I ask for is some order and routine in our 'home'.
I know I knew all this coming into it but you truly don't know what its going to be like until you experience it and try. I've tried... but maybe its time to quit when you feel its sucking the life out of you.
But as you said we have to make ourselves happy. So I am taking the steps to do so.
eta...love that you call her fungus.
It is very difficult to know
It is very difficult to know exactly what you are getting into, until you are right smack in the middle of it! People are good at putting on acts, and that goes for the guys and their spawn alike! I've seen HHB (short for Her High B***hness) put on many an act to get people to believe she is something she is not. My MIL used to believe her to be this innocent, sweet, and big-hearted Christian girl who could see angels! Problem is, they can only put on the act for so long before they slip up, and once they expose themselves, they let it all go, and you find out what kind of person they really are!
Before HHB moved out, I was ready to walk away from my marriage...seriously! I couldn't take it any longer! I couldn't live in a house where a minor, a child, was allowed to treat me like crap! I couldn't stay with a man who would continue to allow this just so that his little princess would be happy, regardless of the fact that I was miserable. When DH FINALLY put his foot down, and HHB got so butt hurt that she had to move back to BM's, and not want to have a thing to do with DH and his family (well, unless she "needs" something, like a taxi ride to court or a stupid dress for prom), that day changed it all! Now, there is hope for my marriage. There are still those moments where HHB or BM will call, and I find myself thinking, "Grow a friggen pair, already!"...but things have gotten better.
I still worry...worry that something will happen at BM's like before, and HHB will be finding her way back to our home with DH saying, "She has no where else to go." Can't say for sure how that will go down, but I'm pretty sure it will be something like, "Really? No...you are NOT doing this to me again! You take that girl and go live somewhere else!"
Im happy things have
Im happy things have improved! And hope they stay that way....
I keep thinking the older she gets maybe she will stop coming as much. Only time will tell.
I actually think I 'know' you...from babycenter. (or maybe I am wrong) but someone commented on my post with your signature. Anway it stuck with me...Not my Circus, Not my monkeys.
No babies here!!! I was done
No babies here!!! I was done a long, long time ago! LOL My bios are 24 and 20, and trust me...are definitely not entitled brats like the skid! They are both rather upset with her at the moment because of the way she treated me while she lived here.
I have an SD19 who is at
I have an SD19 who is at college (not far away enough) and an SD13 who identifies at a boy (new thing this school year). I have been with DH for 7 years, but BM died 2 years ago and we got the SDs FT. Things DO NOT magically change at age 18. SD19 is a bigger pain in my ass and she's only here 4 months out of the year. I have avoided seeing her the past two times she's been around since spring semester started. I stayed at a hotel the last three days of spring break when SD19 had no where left to go and the dorms were closed. She bought a hedgehog after DH told her "no" and she has it at the dorm. I skipped Easter Sunday at SIL's because SD19 was going to be there.
The next step is mid-May when she comes home for her 100-day summer break. I actually marked the countdown on my calendar last year! SD19 is an immature, defiant, POS, enabled Daddy's girl who thinks she can do whatever she wants without consequences.
That hedgehog is my hill to die on. And so is her attitude towards all of us. Fingers crossed that she will just go away........
~ Moon
I'm in the same boat. I feel
I'm in the same boat. I feel the divorce is going to happen when the ss is ready to drive the vehicles that I paid for. I think that's going to be my last straw. No way am I going to just let this kid drive on the road when he has zero responsibility. That might be your breaking point too.
I agree! I in no way would
I agree! I in no way would want to help DSD get a car. Me and DH share finances so no matter what I would be contributing. She cant even do the dishes and shes suppose to be able to drive?? Something is wrong with this picture. Driving is not a right and she feels shes so entitled. It should be earned and proven that you can be responsible. But what do I know...I am just the evil step mom with no kids }:)