Many Questions..
Fiance' and I are 30yrsold now. We've been together a little over 5yrs. He has a 9yrold daughter every other weekend. He is a disney dad, and for the most part the child is well behaved/well mannered. Thinking seriously about the future sometimes worries me, I have a lot of questions about being in this type of situation/or marrying into this type of situation. A little background about me, I come from a small family, only have immediate family, and only my mothers side, and I am somewhat estranged from them, not very close. I come from blue collar working class family, by no means well off. No one in my family has gone to college. I have been on my own since I was 19yrsold and have paid my own bills, but never got any college degree despite going to college on and off for several years. I'm grateful to have a fulltime job where I make $29k a year, but the future is uncertain. My fiance does not come from money either, far from it. He never went to college either. He does okay making $40k a year, but he has never really been concerned about health insurance or savings accounts or investing. He only has his mom as far as family, and she works minimum wage and barely gets by and doesn't care about her future. To then add on top of this story, he pays $430 in child support and whatever else the child needs.
When I think about the future, these things come to mind concerning his daughter: another 9yrs of monthly child support $430 plus potential increase if he is to increase his income, 60% of all medical/dental/vision concerns, braces (very high probability as her mother had them), christmas's, extra curricular activies ie: soccer, dancer, musical instrument, theme parks/vacations, birthdays, birthday parties, first car, prom, graduation gifts, college tuition, first apartment, wedding, then grandkids.
I would like to have my own kids in the very near future, but I can't help but think that I would be potentially jeopardizing their lives by marrying into a step situation. The step family situation limits resources for my future kids. The step child, is a financial burden, sounds harsh, but it's reality. All kids are a financial burden, but when it isn't your own...it's very different, it's maddening, and saddening at the same time. I'm unsure I want to share my future husband with someone else, you know? I am very scared to marry him because of this very thing. I don't want to feel like a single mom if I were to have kids with him, because he's too busy with his first child, or he's just simply spread too thin. And I realize money isn't everything, and money doesn't buy happiness, but I will also say that sometimes love isn't enough. I don't want to struggle my whole life or to never have the option of being a stay at home mom (like I would like) because I chose to marry into a tough situation. He and I have discussed having children together, and he is for it, but I don't want to be a fool and neglect the painful realities of what it might entail. How do you get past these feelings? Any advice for me? I just want to have my eyes WIDE open being in this dynamic, because it's helps ease the stress I think. Any advice is appreciated Smiling On a side note..concerning my future marriage to him.....prenup, future retirement accounts of ours, acquiring assets during our marriage, and devising wills......how would this be handled/construed whenever he has a daughter and an exwife? any input would be great.
My first question to you is
My first question to you is have you approached him with your concerns? If he how much is his weekly wage? Does that mean he pays approx. $110 a week for his child? I don't know the rules, but perhaps when he is responsible for more children in the household, that amount goes down? Im not sure. I mean, if you end up having 3 other children as an example each "worth" $110 each, that means he is paying his wage out every week on having children, so how is he suppose to ay the rent, groceries etc??
I would be asking him the details of this question, asking him to break down how he expects to be able to cover the costs of having more children, when a big chunk of his wage goes out to one child only. If he talks about you working, then just remind him that you cant work when heavily pregnant or after the baby is born for at least 6 months (well that was me anyway) so you have to work on the formula on one wage only.
As for the other areas....work this one out first as you may not even have to worry about wills etc as you may not end up getting married once reality sets in for both of you. If it does work out, go through each area of concern with a proposed version of what you think might happen and ask him for his feedback. Do one thing at a time, and chip away at things until you get a resolution.
IMHO that is
I'm not sure where you live
I'm not sure where you live and the cost of living, but money should be the least of your concerns. Kids are not as expensive as you would imagine. My kids have really nice lives and while they don't get everything they want, they have a LOT and everything they need. They are constantly doing activities and doing fun things. I would be more concerned about the emotional/psychological aspect because that is the most difficult to deal with. No one can really help you with this. You just have to decide if you are strong enough to deal with it or not. It is true that "love conquers all" but it is not always easy to love. THAT is the hard part. Good luck.
They are good things to be
They are good things to be aware of but try not to focus too much on them, they are too many "what ifs" and if you focus on those then you will go insane.
When I moved in with my fiance it involved moving to a new country, finances were difficult. My fiance was working but he went from supporting himself and his daughter, to supporting himself, me and paying CS for his daughter as BM gained custody just beforehand.
I gained a job quickly but so few hours that the extra income didnt really go very far.
We made the decision for my fiance to retrain, which meant a year on even lower income, and it was tough. We were at the point of having to have all our finances planned out, week by week. But we got there. When things are tough you cannot let yourself get too caught up on the future.
Kids are expensive, yes, they are drains on resources but you make it work. Having a child means your whole life gets turned upside down so finances are bound to as well. But if you wait until you feel you can AFFORD to have a child, you will probably never do it. Most people always end up living to their means (some past their means) I dont want to sound like I am dismissing your concerns because they are incredibly valid and I share them, my fiance and I are holding off having children of our own because simply our circumstances right now would be too stressful. Our finances are better but we want them to be that bit more consistent.