Confused and hurt-wondering if this is really worth it...
Been dating since we were both 24, we're both now close to 29yrsold. We have lived together for 2 of these years. He was married for 5yrs out of high school. When we met he had a 3yrold. The child is now 7. I don't have any kids and never have been married. Anyway, the ex left him, but neither one of them legally filed for divorce until I found out he was legally married and had lied to me for over a year, then I nagged for 9months and finally he filed and completed it. It was done in 60days, for $250, and they didn't share anything besides the child.
Fast forward to present day, I work fulltime he works part time (25hrs a week) he takes his sweet time in life and makes time for video games/dvd everyday before he goes to work. "Adult" things in life, such as filing taxes, owning a home, having a savings account, are not priorities to him. He loves to play. We even have a roommate that lives with us to help with the rent, which is also his live in playbuddy for more video games and drinking time. He is a disney dad to the fullest, he has his child every other weekend and he pays $430 a month in child support. He even happily elects to have the child an extra day of the week, every week, and doesn't care to decrease his child support payment because of it. He keeps his child support/ex/when and where he has his child, all separate from me. He tells me it doesn't involve me, so he asks me why I care to know.
We do not share finances. I have no idea how much money he makes (it fluctuates monthly) or where it goes. This especially bothers me around the holidays as he buys a ton of gifts and justifies everything saying it was "a great deal". Year after year I watch in amazement as I'm a complete outsider to his child, his mother, and "their" christmas. He even wants me to put him on my medical insurance from my job because his part-time "fun job" doesn't offer any benefits.
He says he doesn't care if I work or not. He says he would support me.....on his 32k a year. When we discuss children of our own together he says "he wouldn't mind" having more kids. As in "sure". He fears marriage and would rather have kids with me then get married. I want marriage first. He owes back taxes about 8k, has bad credit, no savings, and of course there's the child support that he'll have to pay for the next many many years. I'm also afraid to marry him because of these things. I don't want to be held responsible for paying for child support or his taxes or anything like that. He agrees, but doesn't care, because I am financially responsible.
His mother smokes weed and parties a lot, and doesn't own a car. He drops his child off at her house. I have told him that I don't agree with her lifestyle and wouldn't ever leave my child at her house. He says he doesn't care about my opinion. I work during the week, and we work opposite shifts, the only real time he and I have together are the weekends, which of course he has his child every other weekend. When he has her, he ignores me, he babies her, and sits on the floor in her room and plays with her all day, lets her eat in her room, it's just nonstop entertainment fun, and I don't exist. He will even sleep in her bed with her. He will blame it on "accidently falling asleep". The weekends he has his kid, I usually try to be gone as much as I can the entire weekend. When I am home, I feel like I walk on eggshells in my own home because he is very controlling of the environment and controls her entertainment the entire time she is over. He tries to keep her away from me I think because I am "not fun" compared to him. It's very strange actually. I can't even tell her it's past her bed time....because he thinks that's rude.
I have really checked out emotionally from this relationship. The stress feels, many days, as if it's not worth it. I feel like he'll never grow up, he'll never commit, and if I did have a child with him, I'd end being a outsider with a child/essentially a single parent. My goal was to save for down payment to buy a house, he couldn't careless about owning a home. He has gone to disneyland 3times this year, because his work gave him 3free child passes. He had to pay for everything else. He went even though I didn't agree with the trip, especially not 3times in one year.
Should I walk away from this immature baggage train? :sick:
RUN!!! RUN AWAY!!! Immature,
RUN!!! RUN AWAY!!! Immature, lazy good for nothings are NOT worth being with. He will drag you down in a heart beat.
Um, yes. How is that a
Um, yes. How is that a serious question? He disrespects you, doesn't really include you in his life, doesn't share the same goals in life as you do and is an immature train wreck that also sounds like a pretty bad parent. Why on earth would you Not walk away? And don't say love because you already stated you've emotionally detached....
So let me cut to the chase
So let me cut to the chase .... Should you walk away from this immature baggage train?
Go back, read your original post at the top of this thread and think about it from our perspective as your audience.
You know the answer. Quit procrastinating and move on with your life. You seem to be a driven, viable adult who does very well for yourself.
You do not need this worthless POS and his baggage.
Move on with your life and find an equity partner to share your life with rather than this incubus who is sucking the life out of you while he parties and video games his way to happiness.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
You know what to do. You need
You know what to do. You need to do exactly what you would tell a friend to do if she were in this mess.
And when you go, don't look back.
The first year or 2 I felt
The first year or 2 I felt like I was very much in love with him, but as time passes I see how much I am being disrespected in this sense and feel like I am not treated as a partner. I feel like i'll forever be just the outsider girlfriend if I continue wasting my time. We fight a lot, our fights usually create more distance then anything (as opposed to screaming matches). We will go for a week living in the same home and not speaking to eachother at all. We each do our own thing most of the time. We rarely have shared future plans. It's hard to move on though. As stupid as it sounds, I will be single and 29yrsold, and that scares me alot. I thought I would be married by now. It's almost as if, I have to remind myself that he isn't physically/verbally abusive, and that we have a nice home. There's most passive aggression and avoidance then anything.
I think you answered your own
I think you answered your own question. If there's one thing I've learned about second marriages and step-children, it's definitely for those with a very thick skin. It is hard, hard work. You'll have the same scenario you have now, with the added fun of a jealous step-child, and yes, it changes once you are married. It doesn't matter how long you've lived together, once the marital status changes, the kids definitely react to it.
If you feel this way before you are married, you should definitely reconsider. Honestly, the CS is between he and his ex, and $430 a month is pretty reasonable...but more to the point, if you are uncomfortable with the way you are living, you'll be trapped in an unhappy existence that isn't going to look all that much different than it does right now. Imagine your life being this way 5, 10 years from now...is watching him play video games with a live-in roommate, that you are pretty much supporting going to make you happy? Also, DO NOT marry someone with large debts, because as soon as you do, those debts will become your debts. Some people are simply not interested in becoming homeowners, and your SO sounds like that kind of person. If you want different things in life, you cannot possibly share a life together without great communication, understanding and compromise. It just doesn't sound like you have any of those assets on your side. What you are describing sounds VERY similar to my situation with my ex, but we didn't even have kids in the scenario...I was just young and stupid and jumped on the "Good Will Hunting" train, assuming he'd change and be good for me. It's volatile, it's dangerous, cut loose and get out. No good will come of this.
At 29, your life isn't over.
At 29, your life isn't over. It will be if you keep making excuses for possibly staying.
I got married at 34 to an amazing man. It can happen, but not while you're wasting your time on a loser.
Your "BF" has two roommates.
Your "BF" has two roommates. One is a buddy he gets to play video games with. The other is a woman he gets to have sex with.
This man wants to date, but long term relationship is out of the question. There's nothing with this as long as the other person is aware of that.
Having the person he's dating live with him is all about freeing up extra money for him. He's not interested in building a life with you that person. With you there, he only has to "waste" one third of his income on living expenses. He's free to use the rest as he sees fit.
Get away from that loser as fast as you can.
^^^This. Couldn't have said
^^^This. Couldn't have said it better myself. I married a man like this, only he was also verbally, mentally and physically abusive later on. He sucked the life out of me, caused my only daughter to leave and move in with her dad, and ended up costing me THOUSANDS in overdue/non-paid bills. He put everything in my name because his credit was so bad, applied for credit cards and cell phones in my name, never telling me about it. He owed more than $50K in back taxes by the time I finally left him, along with more than $35K in back child support for his 4 kids by 2 different wives.
Just because your bf doesn't beat you or abuse you, that's no reason to stick around. Hell, I was 38 when I left my deadbeat ex and guess what? I just married the man of my dreams last yr at 40. I've never been treated so well in my life.
You're quite a bit younger than I am and that's great, since you should be saying "I will NOT tolerate this bullshit" and move on. There's NO way in Hell that I would ever enter a relationship where I am pulling all the weight and he doesn't contribute. He's disrespecting you, plain and simple. You don't deserve that.
Get out while you can before he suckers you into marrying him. Seriously. NOW.