Welcome back tofurkey! Missed you!

I guess you have to remember that you can never truly predict how someone is going to react. I was CERTAIN! that BM#2 was going to throw a major stink-fit when she found out that DH and I were having a baby. I was CERTAIN that she would bitch and moan about how SS was feeling left out, or overshadowed or some nonsense of her usual making. And guess what... never happened. She surprised the heck out of me and actually congratulated us and said she was happy for us.

Now as far as bringing a baby into drama? I was also worried about that too and I can honestly say I DO hate the fact that BS1 has two siblings who have two different (crazy, loser)mothers. I made it clear to DH and to MIL that under no uncertain circumstances will BS EVER be subjected to that cray. He will NOT be going to skids homes, he will not have any type of "relationship" with either BM, EVER. For me it's somewhat easier because skids are a bit older (SS12.5 and SD13.5) as far as not having to worry about BS wanting to spend the night with skids at THEIR houses or anything like that. By the time BS is old enough to want to go on overnights, skids will be about 18 and it will be a moot point.

With that said, I can't remember how old your skids are? The hardest thing I found in the beginning was the age gap made it difficult for all of us to do things together when skids were there and I used to get ticked because I felt like when skids were with us, DH was always running off with them while BS and I stayed home and it felt like we were two different families. It's gotten a little better now in that BS is almost 2 and also skids haven't really been coming as much as they used to.

I guess my advice would be to you, that if you truly want to have a child, DON'T let skids, BMs and "what ifs" influence that decision. It will be guaranteed to cause some major resentment down the road when you are childless.

Something my therapist used to tell me that has helped me alot.... when I would say I was scared of something because "What if something happens" she would say "what if it DOESN'T?" So true! sorry this got kind of long!

The it being for SD part doesn't go away. Our BS is 10 months and he somehow has always been for SD4. We were recently talking about his first bday party (I'm not switching its date so SD can attend) and I had to tell fdh that it was bs' party for BS! We went through the same thing when we came hone from the hospital, he went to go get SD the next day early for his weekend! I had one morning alone with my new baby!!

You wont be able to win in this situation and having a baby with someone who's already been there/done that causes a lot of stress and ill feelings.

Plus then your locked into the relationship too and you'll feel those chains tighten because of your love for your baby. I also still feel like the outsider as were not married so eow it's him and his kids and me.

I guess it's like when a poster posts about her bf and his kids and we all say run now!

I could have written this post.

Seriously.

I never thought I would find a guy that I could trust to be a good father and husband.

Now I've found him, and the situation is so complicated I can't even get my head around it. BM is PSYCHOTIC. The boys are great, but their mother's insanity is constantly causing all kinds of behavioral issues. The in-laws are stuck so far up BM's a$$ they treat me as DH's "mistress" despite the fact we're married and have lived together for three years.

And I am not handling the situation as well as I could.

I feel like every "important" moment in my life (engagement, marriage, children) is not only overshadowed by the history of BM, but also by the actuality of how DH's relationship with her is now influencing my life.

I AM JEALOUS and pissed that I am not going to be the first person to have a baby with DH. I am pissed that our kid is going to be shunned by his side of the family because of BM and her endless bullsh!t. I am angry that my own mother tells me we should have a baby "so that the boys can have a sibling who is related to you."

And I am upset that my kid will be coming into an essentially antagonistic family situation.

BM will, without a doubt, brainwash the boys into thinking the baby is some sort of threat to them. The boys are nasty enough to each other as it is without them having a common enemy to rally against.

It's going to be a complete mess and I have no idea whether or not I can even justify bringing a child into this situation.

I kind of have mixed feelings on this one. My son is the best thing that I've ever done and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. That said I do sometimes wish that I had chosend another man to marry and have children with just because of the crazy in our lives from BM and the steps. You can't anticipate someone's behavior but I can tell you our BM did and still does throw fits. For a while she even claimed my son was hers and still trys to gain access to him when I'm not around which isn't often. She also claimed the kids were hurt by our decision to "replace" them with "that thing". She coached them to say terrible things about/to him and I can only assume she was the one that got them to do some of the horrible things they tried to do to him. However, now they boys love their brother, BS19 mnths., and while I often cringe that he is exposed to their sometime insane behavior I do appreciate that he does have siblings.

My final thought is for your financial situation. I don't know what yours is like but I like you mentioned work A LOT and earn the majority of money in our household as it seems all of his goes to his "1st family" and the courts don't care about your child. So, I do frequently find myself bitter, angery or incredibly upset that I don't get to spend as much time with my kid as lazy non-working BM but he still doesn't get the things that I want for him because we have to make sure SS's get everything. To sumerize: It's an emotional roller coaster but OMG having a child of your own is the most amazing thing in the world. I couldn't have even imagined how much I would love my child or how rewarded I would feel by everything he does everyday.

Honestly. Don't. Ask yourself this question: do you want to bring a child into this world where he/she has to deal with all the dramas?

I've always felt like I had to share my daughter with my PITA SD10. Shes constantly acting like a mini mom. I also hate being the 3rd woman. I get jealous of how he treats his other kids and I feel like my baby sometimes doesn't get equal treatment from him. Despite all this I'm so happy I have my own family with SO. I love being a mom and having a baby. And once I stopped letting MY world be about skids everything has gone great. My daughter is a first child. I act like it and I'm not ashamed. I'm a first time mom. Dont let anyone take any piece of your experience away from you. Even now. Ignore all the little things bugging you and get excited. This IS your first baby. Dont even take skids or exs into account. Dint let them take ANYTHING away from you our your baby. Once I did this my experience was a wonderful one.

Don't feel too bad because I've had DH's 3rd and 4th child and it sucks but I feel like this....if you and DH really want a baby together then the BM's will have to accept it and keep it movin'.

Oops, I forgot to add what BMs did/said. BM1 threw a fit. Pouted. Tried to talk shit to SO about having a kid. PAS us. Every trick in the book. BM2 (the one I was terrified about how shed react) STOPPED the drama. Filed for divorce and basically is pretty much a non-issue. You never know!! The main thing is though. My daughter wont ever see or know these women. We made a rule at our house that when you are here we dont need to talk about BM. When skids are here they are here. We don't need to know what BM does/says/thinks. We just remind them, hey you are here right now, you can worry about mommy when you are at her house.

Please don't let negativity from BM or skids hinder your decision to start a family.and.experience the joys of motherhood ---> which is a million times better than being a stepmom. My son with SO wasn't planned but it has the best to ever happen to me. I wouldn't change it for the world. Once u have a child you know.what true love is. It's very special. My situation is a little from.most on steptalk because I live with my skids. I was a stepmom before a biomom. Also BM is in the picture,but she lives in another state and doesn't really care about anything. She was happy for me and SO when the boys told her it shouldn't matter to BM because she will NOT be taking care of my kid.my skids do love their little brother and the age gap is bigger. OSS is 14 ,YSS is 9. So I figure when my little one is

getting older skids will either be living out of the house. or busy with friends. I often thought about all the drama and headaches but having a baby is a joy words can't descrikbe. Your SD will love her brother or sister.- its very hard to not Ave love for a baby