Do Stepkids Get Easier to Handle With Time?

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Hi,

I'm just after some advice...I'm at a crossroads in my marriage and I don't know if I should leave DH or stay and would really appreciate some advice....

I guess the crux of it is, does it get easier to deal with stepkids the older they get?

I have the usual kind of story...married DH in 2012, after an amazing 18 months of dating, and had the marriage from hell since. Why? Because of SD11 and SD16, who live with us full time. BM is out of the picture. DH felt extreme guilt and constantly overcompensated and I was left feeling like an outsider almost on a daily basis. I was neglected, made to feel unimportant, while DH showered the skids with love, time and attention. He didn't value my opinions on how to raise them - instead I was expected to do all the duties of a mother - school run, cleaning, cooking, babysitting - but without any of the return. I felt like a nanny. My self-esteem, mental state, career and confidence suffered and I reached an all time low.

I developed feelings of resentment, bitterness, jealousy and extreme anxiety. My therapist said I was verging on depression. Oh yes, I had to start seeing a therapist because of the situation - before meeting DH I was the life and soul of the party, popular and brimming with confidence.

Anyway, I finally found it within myself to leave him in March and I've found that I am WAY more content without the skids, although I do miss DH, so I filed for divorce in July. But now he's coming back to me with promises of change and whatever I want to happen in the house - in terms of rules and boundaries - will apply. He's promised to make me his priority, over the skids and create more couple time. He's also said that the older one will be off at college soon and once the younger one goes to college in 5 years, it'll just be the two of us.

Its tempting, because a part of me still loves DH, but is that realistic? I've read articles online and it seems that actually, it can get harder the older the skids get, and they can get even more needy, with money for college, money to help them move out, by a car, etc and especially once grandkids come into the picture. I've read that they can actually get more control over dads as they get older - is that true in your experiences?

Is it conceivable that DH can really change things in the house and put me and us first? And does it easier to deal with the skids when they're older and move out?

If the skids weren't in the picture or if there was a shared custody situation, I'd be back giving my marriage another chance.

Any advice would be great!

Thank you!

Do NOT move back to that

Do NOT move back to that house. Stay the happy, confident creature you are. Date him. Only move back in w/ him when they are up and out and make him sign an agreement that if they move back as adults, you will move back out at his expense. Don't give away your joy.

Thank you so much.

That's what I feel...my world

That's what I feel...my world is definitely coming back together and i'm finding myself again and healing from that damaging relationship...it's just tempting to want to believe that he can change for the better...although the skids aren't going anywhere and the thought of sharing my husband doesn't exactly fill me with excitement.

Thank you! x

I will tell you this ~ I have

I will tell you this ~ I have found my DF's daughter is manipulative and loathes me. I question if she wants her father to be happy or lonely. She is over 18 n is as narcissistic as the day is long. Disrespectful as well. Plays him like a fiddle.

I am a widow with 4 kids if my own. I am strict w my kids ~ I will not tolerate disrespect ~ my kids have morals n manners. The kids look at my DF as the rational person cause he is easy going. I love my DF n he enjoys my kids. I don't give in to my kids or shower them w more or think they have this entitlement attitude.

Of all the things I read in here ~ the common theme is that DH usually don't insist on their kids to respect their SO/wife. If your DH can't call his kids out on their disrespect or entitlement attitude. Is he capable of following through w properly parenting his kid instead of peerenting his kids ???

Both of my SDs are

Both of my SDs are manipulative too. I don't trust them at all...another reason why living with them in so hard - how do you live comfortably with people you don't trust?

My DH's parenting style was to baby his kids and wait on them hand and foot...and he'd expect me to do the same. And when I resisted then we'd argue - I don't think he understood that I can't love and care for his kids because they aren't mine. I didn't even know they existed until 3 years ago...and there's no need for me to have guilt-ridden love for them, because I haven't actually done anything wrong - I met DH after his divorce from BM.

My instinct is to continue with the divorce and start fresh. Life's too short to deal with someone else's issues.

Smith ~ I fortunately no

Smith ~

I fortunately no longer have to live with her. She decided to spend all of her time with her BM cause she didn't like OUR house n OUR rules. I am in a different place then you are but I was where you are with regards to Disney Dad. I confronted him ~ but mine was - my daughter n his daughter were getting in trouble left n right. We would punish them the same ~ his daughter nor his ex wife liked how we handled things. The BM wanted to do thing with her on her days off n she would call n badger DF about letting her do what she wanted ~ she would call n ask what he thought ~ he would say No n then badgering would happen ~ but why not ~ why why why. He would get sick of her manipulation n finally say to her ~ why are you asking me n I answer you n then you don't like my answer. Why are you asking me if you are ultimately going to do what you want. ~~ ugggh

He got a back bone n stood up for himself n neither one if them liked his change. He changed because our parenting style together changed n they didn't like it.

If things are going to work with you ~ he has to see the damage he is doing w all if you. His wife n his kids. Because he lets his kids walk all over him ~ he has no back bone. He can't be a pussy when it comes to guiding his kids in life.

If BM is out of the picture,

If BM is out of the picture, it may not get better in your case. It depends if your DH can be a real parent and force the kids to grow up when they're done with college.

In my experience, high school was awful with SD, college was very expensive but a little less drama since she was away at school, and it didn't get better until she graduated from college. There is still a lot of drama, but DH is refusing to let her live with us, and he's gotten much better about just handing out money. That all said, I'm not sure DH would be as strong if we didn't have our own young children together. He can see clearly our toddlers need him whereas SD is now an adult and it's up to her to figure things out.

If you love your DH and think it's possible for him to make any changes, then by all means give it another chance, but don't be surprised if he reverts back to his old ways. Maybe agree to date him again until you feel more confident about his intentions.

You hit the nail on the

You hit the nail on the head.

The parenting style of my DH is what caused a majority of the stress and tension in my house. God forbid I say a word against his "little babies" (yes, SD11 and SD16 were referred to his "little babies") and the girls both knew this and would manipulate situations accordingly. They ran the house. Although now he's promising to change his parenting style and let me run the house, etc - basically everything I had been fighting for during our marriage, he's promising me now.

I do feel more content with life without the skids. It's just tempting sometimes to give him yet another chance.

Stop right here ~ Do not

Stop right here ~

Do not fall into the trap of running the house your way. You are setting yourself up for resentment.

Thank you ladies - so much!

I would love to try and date him again, but it's the end result of living with his kids that makes me feel sick with anxiety - I suppose that in itself is telling.

From the sounds of it, the stresses of stepkids is a lifelong trauma - there's no escaping it...and you may have pockets of time where it's easier, but there'll always be hard times too...and is it worth the anxiety and stress...?

I think I know what I need to do...and what's best for me.

Thank you!!

You're right, they aren't

You're right, they aren't brats as such, they are just spoiled and know how to manipulate their dad. DH would constantly moan about our finances and how we had to watch what we spent, but when SD11 wanted a new bike, the very next day she got a brand new bike costing $400!! And when I literally pleaded and begged for DH to take me on a weekend away, because I needed a break (and bearing in mind we literally never had couple time, because on the 2 or 3 occasions we did have a date night, he felt guilty for leaving skids at home), he flat out refused to take me. I promise you, in that same week SD16 wanted to go away with a friend and her family for a week. He was reluctant, but she started saying how depressed she was because she missed her BM (I promise you that was all b*llsh*t), he caved and spent $1500 on sending her away, along with a batch of new clothes for the trip!

So you may be right...it was the imbalance of love and care that DH showed me that drove me to the brink of depression.

The girls treated me ok, but like i said, manipulative. They know how to take care of themselves, but DH won't let them lift a finger. When DH was away on work trips, i'd make the girls do their laundry, share chores, etc, but when he came back SD11 would 'tell' on me, that I made her do all this work, and he'd flip out. He never let them raise a finger. As long as he was around SD16 never even washed a dish! He'd say she's busy studying or doing her homework, but when I went to check on her, she'd be watching a movie on her laptop or painting her nails. So I'm not confident about them moving out at 18.

Maybe your right...maybe it's more DH than them.

X

This man (and BM) absolutely

This man (and BM) absolutely made those kids the way they are now by raising them the way he did. I know he didn't do it to hurt them intentionally but he has to know he failed as a dad, and BM failed as a mom.

Some dads do come to the realization that they made mistakes and try to fix things, but it's too little, too late. So even if DH did make changes, your SK problems wouldn't be solved.

What he should do is try to open communication between SDs and BM. They don't need him overcompensating or a stepmom. A lot of the dads here seem to want the stepmom to try to fill the "mom" role. Your DH was one. That's unhealthy for everyone. He should find BM and ask her to have a phone conversation with the kids. Then, perhaps they can a) know their mom isn't ready to be in their lives or doesn't want to, or b) start rebuilding things with her. Either way, they need closure on that.

Perhaps DH could ask an adult female relative the SDs care about to spend more time with them once a week. That a) gets them out of your hair, b) lets you have some time with DH and c) gives them a positive female role model they can always look to for advice and support.

Maybe this could help

http://m.empoweringparents.com/narcissistic-children-and-teens-does-your...

After 10 years of hell.....NO

After 10 years of hell.....NO they do not get easier. There is a whole separate topic on Adult Stepchildren just on this forum! I really would have thought by then they wouldn't be able to effect a partnership/marriage but that doesn't seem to be the case either.

Like you Smith I was the life of the party, had friends, financially secure, confident.
Enter 3 Fulltime SDs and narcissistic Disney Dad and interfering inlaws.

With my own stupid allowance, he has destroyed my credit rating, alienated my friends, and NEARLY destroyed me!
Unfortunately in the meantime we had a Mr 7 who complicates the matter of leaving.

If you are free and easier and gaining your YOU back PLEASE do not fall back into the trap. I'm sorry to say but you DH may change a little for a while, but your Skids wont and he will fall back into his habits.
PLEASE, I will live vicariously through your courage and independence on getting out and NOT returning, you will be my hero and mentor

HAHA! Thank you!! You give me

HAHA! Thank you!! You give me too much credit!! I will say this...it was incredibly difficult to leave and rebuild my life and my career. I'm really lucky that i've got a supportive family and circle of friends, but when, like you said, you feel destroyed, it's a real challenge. But it feels great to be able to work again and do as I please, without being tied down to skids and thinking about their dinners or working my schedule around the school run, etc. I really appreciate my independence so much now - whereas before, I took it for granted, as you do.

I am SO sorry you're going through a hell of your own - and it sounds like you're stuck! I wish there was a way I could help...or that you could help yourself into doing what's best for you.

Thank you for believing in me...it's given me a lot of strength and conviction! x

YOU ROCK! You've done the

YOU ROCK!

You've done the hard part, you've left!

If only I had done that when the doubts starting popping in, when the bizarre narcissistic behaviour of both DH and his Skids starting appearing. If only.....

You can do it, you are strong and independent again and you will Rock the world with your brilliance and ability to survive and conquer.

Kick Him To THE CURB, THEY do NOT deserve YOU! <------that's you, you are too cool for them

HAHA! Thank you SOOO much!!!!

HAHA! Thank you SOOO much!!!! I REALLY appreciate it!!!! xx

They don't. But they do move

They don't. But they do move out - at least some of them do lol!

It hasn't gotten better for

It hasn't gotten better for me! My 13 year old step-brat(son) lives with us full-time. My marriage is on the brink of divorce & my son is caught in the middle. I can honestly say, I 100% regret marrying my 2nd husband. See my bio for the scoop!

Dealing with Skid only gets

Dealing with Skid only gets harder if the partner with the spawn does not step up and parent, demand and enforce appropriate behavior from the spawn, support the Step partner as a full equity life partner and equity parent to the any children in the home regardless of biology, and actually parent their spawn instead of catering to the poor wittle CODs.

As for reconciling. Never forget that the best indicator of future performance is past behavior. After a short time of focus STBXH is very likely to revert back to his standard position when dealing with his spawn.

You hav already taken the hardest step of leaving and filing. Stay the course. If you want to date your X then fine. Date him until his spawn are gone. That gives you 5-ish years to observe his behavior and commitment to what he has promised.

If he lives up to YOUR expectations. Remarry him.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Good advice - thank you. I

Good advice - thank you. I think if i'm being honest with myself, I need to let him go completely. I want to meet a man and start a family of my own. If I continue to date him then I may miss out on my chance of having children of my own.

I think it just saddens me how this man I fell in love with becomes a completely different person around the skids...and because the skids live with us full time, there's just no escaping the annoying 'daddy'! I guess i'm just clinging...I need to let go...

Three

Three words...RUN...RUN...RUN. My oldest SS at 35 years of age...we spent 4K on dinner rehearsal and travel expenses for his wedding to his common law wife of 6 years. DH promise the moon, if I quit my job. DH move into my home which was paid for but is 34 years old as of this day. It was agreed, I was not asking for a new house or build on. The house needs many up dates. We have spent 30K on mini-wife MIL and the 2 older SK weddings. We have been married almost 4 years. I still have 34 year old floor in half of the house and NO floor in one room. Money goes to DH's expensive new truck, his mama and his ADULT kids. AND...my retirement is 5 times what he has. We have done alot of improvements...it has been a rough road. It is bullshit...have to explain my needs for home improvements. If I could get back in work force and make a good living, I think I would have left him yesterday. Even with no job and a bad back, I still think about leaving him. If we make it to retirement, the roles will be reverse. DH will have little retirement to add to his SS check.

As for you, DH should of changed before you moved out. I think this is a red flag, he will go back to his old ways. If DH does not make some really big money...do you really want to help pay for his kids college, cars, wedding, I want, I need and etc.

Thanks for your

Thanks for your response...i'm so sorry for your situation though.

My DH doesn't make a lot of money, but what he does make all went on his kids, while I had scrimp, save and cut financial corners. But the skids got expensive holidays with friends, brand new bikes, designer clothes - so I suppose if i'm being honest, I do expect it to get worse...especially with their weddings, etc.

I feel like I've done the right thing...it's just sometimes hard, because if the skids lived with their mum I might have given him another chance...but i HATE living with them! They are too intrusive.

I hope things improve for you...x

The red flag to me is your dh

The red flag to me is your dh mentioning the kids will be gone soon. Why wait? He has little intention of changing, that's why, hes' the guy that just wants to "get through it" which will mean more of the same just an extra bit to assuage you. But even that will be peppered with his throwing in your face that you left once and somehow that makes you not as good a spouse as he is.

He does not sound like he's ready to parent, in my view. Why on earth wait till your kids grow up to have a happy life? That is freakin' ridiculous!! Kids can be pleasant to be around and they can know their place. They always have needs but most adults don't mind that. What we do mind is what you have already listed: being made to feel like an outsider who only has a very conditional work visa to visit this house or get an audience with the monarch.

For you to come back, he ought to make some damn big gestures on top of showing you that he is changing NOW whether you come back or not. If he enrolls in a parenting class or something, only then should you consider it. It's very wrong of him to expect you live like an ascetic while his kid goes gallivanting about to the tune of $1500. He should have been making joint decisions with you about vacays and money. He's the generalissimo of his own little country, doling out patronage to his favored ones. That's not a husband.

Wow - thank you so much for

Wow - thank you so much for your brilliant response and giving me so much perspective!

I've started therapy to try and heal and get over a lot of what's happened to me, and this week our discussion went down the path of power - how DH held the power in our relationship and she likened our marriage to him being a jailor and me being a prisoner. It was really eye opening. Whenever he felt me regaining power, he would do something to diminish it again - and now i've done the ultimate thing - I've left him - and that has made him powerless over me.

Now he's telling me what I want to hear about boundaries for the skids, more couple time etc...I guess he's trying to regain power and 'win' me back.

I love your analogy of general/monarch. That's EXACTLY how it was in 'our' house.

Thanks again for your response...it's really really helped me become more confident that i've done the right thing by leaving and having no intention of ever returning to that hierarchical house.

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Do Stepkids Get Easier to Handle With Time?