couples counselor thinks SD should have special treatment.
Our counselor suggested I take my newborn son out once a week so DH and SD can have special time together. She said SD is jealous of the new baby and needs more attention.
First off SD has been jealous of me since the beginning and has been getting special treatment from everyone since the divorce now with a new baby she needs more. I'm sorry but SD needs less coddling and more integration with her new family and to even suggest me and my son vanish for 4 hours every Saturday is ridiculous. Now don't get me wrong when DS is 2 months after all his shots I plan on taking him to friends houses and my mothers house on weekends to get out of the house and give them alone time but I refuse to go crazy looking for something to do with my son once a week so SD can be coddled and spoiled. The shrink doesn't take insurance so we have to pay. I.told him this morning were looking for someone else I'm not paying someone to tell me to vanish on the weekends because of SD. My marriage suffered greatly because of DHs guilty parenting I'm not doing it anymore and my.son shouldn't have to be invisible on the weekends.
Did you ask the counselor who
Did you ask the counselor who was going to take SD out so your son could have one on one time with ONLY his dad without her around?
Counselor needs to comprehend BOTH of these kids are your DH's kids. They are siblings. And in intact families if mom and dad have a new baby, noone takes the new baby and disappears for a few hours so the older child gets 'quality' time with a parent. The kid gets to deal and realize in the whole big wide world... they are not the center.
Why can't he vanish with his
Why can't he vanish with his daughter ?? How old is she ??
Take her to the park, the zoo, a museum, the movies , lunch etc... You have a newborn ~ you could alternate ??
But isn't isolating her gonna hurt if she is expecting "special time" ?? Fine line there for me ...
I hate that children are
I hate that children are being taught that they are entitled to special attention. I'm truly scared of what the world is going to be like in another 20 years. Stocked full of self-entitled, whiney assholes.
And I'm not saying you can't
And I'm not saying you can't be sympathetic to a child's feelings. There's a difference between being sympathetic and teaching them how to cope with a situation, and removing the situation altogether. Don't people see how unproductive and damaging that is to their development?
I think your counselor knows
I think your counselor knows nothing about the dynamics of blended families.
Not if it means they are gone
Not if it means they are gone all day that's not right. If its an hour or two no big deal but I don't think it should be every week. Maybe twice a month. I'm alone with this baby all week and he spends like 2 hours with him at night now the therapist is suggesting he leaves on Saturdays with SD that's not cool
Exactly. Why does the child
Exactly. Why does the child need to be all alone in the house with daddy for 4 hours while SM and baby vanish? That's not the point of a family. My brother was born when I was 5, and I never got any special "just me" outings. I learned to accept that he is now part of the family and we do things together. Sure, I had an hour where my mom would sit and colour with me or whatever, but my brother was never physically removed from the house just so I could still feel special. And I never suffered for it. My brother and I have always been extremely close because we learned to be a unit.
I think they should have some
I think they should have some alone time just not ever week and to give BS and DH alone time I take SD out. I actually enjoy her company shes 5 she can be a handful but I care for her. I don't think she needs special treatment. BM asked my DH if he wanted her an extra day on Friday but he has to work. I told him I would take her while he works because she needs to be around me and the baby and needs to learn from me how to handle the baby and that it can't just be her and daddy. This is the family now and on the weekends we have her or extra days she needs to get used to it. Like I said before they can have their alone time but im not disappearing every Saturday. That's stupid
Did you ask the counselor if
Did you ask the counselor if you and the baby could hang at his house?
What if you have no friends or family to visit, it is raining and not many newborns enjoy the park or movies too much.
What an idiot.
You do not have to leave your
You do not have to leave your home with your son, DH can take his daughter out if he wants one on one time. In fact, your son is a newborn, there is nothing stopping DH from having one on one time with his daughter in the same house.
I was 4 when my sister was born and my mother did not take her out of the house so I could have alone time with my dad. I remember going places with him, he would take me fishing with him or whatever, but they were not scheduled outings to purposely exclude my sister and she was not banished from the house so that I could feel like an only child again.
Your counselor is an idiot.
Your counselor is an idiot. Fire them and find a good one.
^^yes. This post actually
^^yes. This post actually makes me mad that a "professional" would suggest this idiotic idea as a helpful solution.
Exactly they can have alone
Exactly they can have alone time in the house. He can read with her for an hour or color with her there will be no daddy daughter day every Saturday that's ridiculous and yes winter is coming where am I taking a 3 month old? I can take the baby in another room and watch T.V. for 2 hours there is no reason anyone should leave.
No one including DH ever cared about my time when I was adjusting to being a stepmother that SD used lay in bed between us till 10 at night. No one considers my baby and that ive been diagnosed with post partum depression and that I need help. Nope poor SD she needs lots of attention right now.
Yet another counselor who has
Yet another counselor who has no CLUE and thinks everyone needs to cater to the speshul snowflakes who might get hurt fee fees...
I do believe DH should be
I do believe DH should be making an effort to spend a bit of individual time for SD. But it certainly doesn't have to be 4hrs nor make you/baby poof.
Saturday mornings he and his daughter could spend 30 minutes in the kitchen together making breakfast, cleaning it up and catching up on how kiddo did at school all week. you'd get to sleep in maybe a little while baby is sleeping. You could make a short grocery list for them and he and she could run that errand. He might spend a 1/2 hour watching cartoons with her while your getting baby up, feed and starting baby's morning. They can read a book together when baby s napping or put together a couple of simple puzzles.
If he tries hard enough he will come up with all kinds of little ways just to interact with his daughter without really taking away from the rest of the family. Sure maybe once a month or so there might be a children's matinee he could take her to. When baby is ready to go on the occasional Saturday morning trip to visit Gma, leave them a box of frozen drop and bake cookies they can bake and frost.
Yes all that is fine. It
Yes all that is fine. It takes me an hour to feed the baby between drinking then holding him up to burp he can spend individual time with her then , they can watch a movie in the living room while I watch one in the other room but in no way should he be having a 4 hour long cuddle fest or out for half the day.
I feel like this therapist is making him feel guilty which is going to make him pull away from me and our son which hes done enough of.
Yes that's the deeper problem
Yes that's the deeper problem isn't it, the effect of this idiot therapist on your partner. He's validating the stupid prissy guilty attitude. That could come back to bite you in your relationship. I wonder does the counselor have kids. If he doesn't, might be worth undermining him to your partner by pointing that out. I would really get out of this man's counseling now and tell DH it's non negotiable, you don't get yourself or a baby out of your own home physically just so as to be a comfort to skid -- it's sending the wrong message that she can somehow delete you and her half sibling at will, and she's too young for that to be loaded onto her. Give a firm objective reason or child-centred argument for getting out on this point of principle, so that your partner can't later massage the story and suggest that this idea was a benefit that you rejected.
That's what the therapist
That's what the therapist suggested. I go out with baby and they do something else I told her my baby is 6 weeks old I cant go all over the place and DH should not be taking SD out on long excursions. Super market trips, color in the other room, story time all good and fine other than that hes taking too much time away from his newborn.
Sad really because if he continues with his guilt not only will he not have a wife hell have a terrible relationship with his son. I told him this morning were not seeing her anymore. She doesn't even take our insurance I'm not paying half of $60 a session to be told his daughter comes 1st.
How sad, it's a woman. Again
How sad, it's a woman. Again this has to be a childless person. 6 weeks old and you go OUT? Sorry, unbelievable. There are many cultures that believe that babies should be kept indoors for the first 3 months. Not how I ran my life as a first time new mother personally, I liked a little trip out daily, but only a short one and in response to how our day as mom and baby were going. The times were dictated by our needs, not some weekly prescription by an idiot. This counselor is secretly punitive toward you imo and is trying to curry favor as a woman with your DH. Get rid of her.
Wow. I wonder what this
Wow. I wonder what this therapists background is. Sounds like something a BM would suggest or someone with no children.
What about you? When do you get a break if you have your son all week while your husband works and then he is supposed to cater to SD? And that is just going to make DH bond less with your son and
feel bad about poor wittle SD.
Nope. It was "suggested" to my DH by his ex to take SD out alone on the weekends we had her and do daddy/daughter dates every Saturday after we had our first child. DH told her to stuff it.
I told DH when he got home
I told DH when he got home were finding someone else. He wanted to keep seeing her. I said I'm not paying a woman who tells me to leave with me infant son because your daughter needs special attention. He actually agreed with me and told me I shouldn't have to leave. I told him this therapist is only going to make you feel guilty and that's damaging to.our marriage. He agreed. So we're finding someone else. The reason were in therapy is because he severely neglected our relationship for a long time and I was tired of it and wanted to leave what broke the camels back was him thinking it was ok to leave me and the baby home all day every Sunday to cater to SD.
Wow. The very reason you went
Wow. The very reason you went to the counselor was you were thinking of leaving....and she gave you this SD/Daddy thing as a reason to STAY??!!!??
Lord luv a duck. Stupidest thing I ever heard.
Hey, counselor, how about telling dad that he needs to focus on his wife who's just given birth and didn't know she was signing up as lady in waiting to the Crown Princess when she said "I do?"
So true thats what its been
So true thats what its been like. Its always felt like the only reason he wanted me was to be a mother to her and sex. Being post partum doesn't help I was fed up.
I'm so pleased for you that
I'm so pleased for you that your DH had these objections to counselor too and also the way that you presented this problem to DH was great strategy. Good on you.
I would find a new counselor
I would find a new counselor who has a clue about blended families!
Coddling and spoiling SD is not the answer. She needs to learn to integrete herself with the family and that includes your newborn!
I have three kids, ranging
I have three kids, ranging from 17 to 9. I've never had to remove one kid and single out another for them to know I love them. We all do things together. Once a week I pick a kid, and I make their favorite food for dinner Friday night. The other two don't get upset cause they know their favorite is coming in a week or two. That shrink obviously doesn't have kids, and probably shouldn't ever have any.
This has got to be the most
This has got to be the most stupid advice I've ever heard a professional give. How in HELL will that help strengthen your family? How will that teach SD that the world does NOT revolve around her and she needs to adapt to her new situation?
Seriously - find a counsellor who specialises in blended families. They are the only ones with experience in dealing with step families and know what they are talking about.
I can just see your SD growing up to be a manipulative, controlling freak who expects all and sundry to bow down and kiss her feet. Screw that nonsense.