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UPDATE: Talked with SD11's therapist. WOW

LaMareOssa's picture

Submitted by LaMareOssa on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:07pm

Yesterday evening we took SD to her therapist and WOW.

SD said she feels like she is treated differently than DD7 and DS4 (DD and DS are DH's and mine) SD feels like DS4 gets more attention. SD doesn't feel like she should have any responsibility-AT ALL. SD wants more time with DH, but without actually having to spend time with DH. It's more like "I want to know that YOU WANT to spend time with me, but I don't actually want to spend any extra time with you and I will get majorly depressed if you give your attention to anyone else" SD does not want to get in trouble in front of the family (DH calls her and each of the kids out on their behavior, no matter who is present) She does not like doing chores and feels that DD7 does less. She wants to be the oldest here at our home and have all the perks without an ounce of the responsibility that comes with being the oldest. She wants to be babied and coddled (NO) She wants everyone to feel sorry for her and pity her. She does not want us (Myself, DH, DS, DD) to do ANYTHING remotely fun while she is at her grandparents house visiting her other brother and sister EOW(While her grandparents take her to the beach, movies, dinners, baby her, buy her new clothes, etc)

I told DH that None of the is really fair, nor is it normal. DH completely agrees with me and the counselor definitely sees that SD's abnormal behavior and thought process is of huge concern and can see right through SD.

DH and I talked about the chores around here. They both do the same amount of chores, with DD7 doing one extra chore. How is that "not fair"? SD claims DD7 does less, but in reality, on the chore chart, DD7 has more?!?! STUPID BULLSHIT.

SD is just turning out like her BM. Expecting everyone to grovel at her feet and kiss her ass while giving up everything for her while she does nothing in return. SD does not want to work for ANYTHING and believes that she is entitled to anything and everything. NOPE. SD doesn't want to spend quality time with DH (gets many opportunities for just the two of them, but refuses) BUT does NOT want DH to play with SD's smaller siblings here or myself. Has this mentality of "I Don't Want You, But I Don't Want You To Play With Anyone Else"

DH said that he is going to keep on SD (and I definitely will too) about her behavior and actions. DH said that SD does not deserve, nor does she need special treatment. DH said that SD is still expected to be held to the same expectations as everyone else in this family.

Comments

LaMareOssa's picture

Submitted by LaMareOssa on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:35pm

Exactly! But more than just WANTING all fun and no responsibility, SD11 actually believes that is the way it's Supposed to be and she is entitled to it!

LaMareOssa's picture

Submitted by LaMareOssa on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:43pm

Welll lol....DH has sole custody(BM is mentally insane, on paper). BM had court ordered supervised visits, but they were terminated when BM assaulted the supervisor and tried to run the supervisor over at a visit.

Chores: Yes. In reality, and in a normal household, the older child gets the most because of their age and abilities. NOT the opposite!! lol

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 1:43pm

DH's kid was the same way at 11, 12 & 13. She wanted the perks, but none of the responsibility. And dog help us if anyone had expectations for her, she hates those and felt that people having expectation for her was unfair.

Good on your DH for staying on her. Consistency is key in this situation.

Oh.....and her younger siblings are not going to have the same amount of responsibility until they reach her age. By that time it will still be unbalanced because she is older. Welcome to being the oldest kid in the house.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Fri, 07/19/2013 - 4:43pm

So she is 11? Well of course a 4 year old and a 7 year old are going to be treated differently than her. She SHOULD have more chores because she is older!

She can want things however she wants them but that doesn't mean she should get them and I would be quite up front if I was your dh in stating that he is the parent and that he will make the decisions on these sorts of things.

I don't know if you give her any special privileges for being older? Like staying up later than the other kids? Watching different kinds of tv shows, moveis, going places with friends or whatever-but another tactic to try might be to give all the kids the same chores but also the same rules and rewards. Move her bedtime back to theirs so that you can treat them all fairly. Don't let her have cellphone, ipod or whatever device she may have since her siblings don't have them yet.

She really does not want to be treated equally-she wants to be treated better than them.

My ss15 was always like this growing up. Ive never seen a kid so ate up with sibling rivalry. I do feel like when ss was younger we treated all the kids the same-they were all very close in age so it was fairly easy to do. But he was always focused on what the other kids were doing. If he got in trouble more times than they did it was because we were mean to him or treated him badly-when in reality it was just that he did more bad things! He told my sil just a couple years ago that the reason he did not wish to live in our home was because over the years when he horseplayed with my ds and was "winning" I would always make them stop and punish him and not my ds. When in reality, nothing like this ever occurred. I had a no horseplay rule and whoever was horseplaying was usually just told to stop with no one being punished. I was extrememly consistent about this and everyone in the household knew it. It was so strange for ss to even pick that out since everyone knew how I felt about it. Of course he may have also been talking about the random times he was violent with my ds and yes, then he was indeed the only one that got in trouble.

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Mon, 07/22/2013 - 10:43am

So, what exactly did the therapist say about what she wants? Is the therapist one to think that this is normal or is she falling into the trap of treating a poor child of divorce like a special snowflake who needs constant coddling?

Did the therapist have any suggestions on how to change this mindset of hers?