Sorting myself out....
So I made an appointment to see a therapist on Monday regarding my issue with being obsessed with anger toward my SD. I can't handle it anymore.
I feel like I want to write down what she has done to me. I wonder often if I am the problem. But i tried so damn hard. I can't see where it is my fault other than I simply exist.
She said she hoped my son with DH would be born retarded or die.
When I was pregnant with my son, she got on facebook and posted comments about me being fat on every picture she could find (I am 5'7" and 120lb. I got up to 165 at the end of my pregnancy and lost it almost immediately).
She made a plan with her brother before she ever came to live with us on how they were going to torture me, although they hardly knew me, because she decided before she got here I was evil. She was surprised to find out I was not evil, but still felt the need to tell me she had a plan, and sometimes acted on it out of spite, simply because I was there.
Over the course of 10 months, she insisted on going to 11 different doctors for a total of 64 appointments for everything ranging from a hangnail to faking illnesses to get out of going to school.
She went to three different therapists, who all fired her for lying outrageously.
She lied to the school multiple times, saying we were abusing her, we were neglecting to give her money for lunch, not feeding her (while gaining 40 lb while living with us), that her grandparents forced her to work in a mine so she lost her hearing, that she was a lesbian, self harming, had an eating disorder, etc. all of which were discovered to be lies for attention. Some of these lies resulted in a CPS investigation, which found us fit parents and her needing therapy for compulsive lying.
She lied to people about me repeatedly, saying things like I pulled her and her brother aside and told them I'd never let them see their father again after they left, that I was his family now. Mind you, it was my idea to bring them to live with us, I was the one who always made his arrangements to visit them prior to then, booked his flights, hotel rooms and rental cars. I was the one who maintained and encouraged contact. I was the one who sent presents, cards, etc on holidays and birthdays. She knew all this, just wanted to slander me. Also said I claimed to be her mother (never), that I was trying to steal away her grandparents, that I was imitating her real mom and jealous of her (i have a great relationship with her grandparents and BM, and definitely walk to the beat of my own drummer...cattiness and girl envy are not my thing).
She claimed I was a religious zealot and nutbag, walking around chanting prayers and waving my arms (I am actually very reserved. Yes, I practice Christianity, and I pray, but in the privacy of my room).
She was filthy and lazy, leaving used maxi pads all over the house. I found them on the kitchen counter, bathroom counter and floor, left in her underwear in the laundry, on her dresser and floor in her room, in the hallway. I tried to have gentle conversations with her about this, which resulted in her leaving one on my pillow.
Since she's left she has constantly talked about how badly we abused her and starved her and fed her horrible food. She hand picked her grocery list every week, and ignored all fruit and vegetables I bought her. She gained 40 lb living in our house.
She demanded 3x the attention from me than my 3 year old does.
Made my miscarriage all about her, telling everyone how hard it was for her, and how I caused it by being evil.
She announced my pregnancy as her a victim of having to "help me" which she never did, before we could. We have a strong history of miscarriage and wanted to wait to tell anyone, but she told everyone anyway.
She announced the gender as well before we could.
She'd take my son for walks and tell people he was hers and she was a teen mom for attention.
Threatened me, my son, her brother with harm
Threw tantrums constantly
These are just some of the things she did on a regular basis...
The list just goes on and on....she is a very sick person.
Here is what I did:
Spent countless nights counselling her, helping her with her homework (resulting in her first ever A in math), bought her clothes, spa days, a car, whatever food she wanted, took her to countless doctor appointments (she LOVES going to the doctor more than anything), defended her when caught lying at school to other students, fought on her behalf with her dad, took her and her friends everywhere they wanted to go, gave her an allowance, did her chores, loved her as my own no matter what.
I finally cut her off a few weeks ago, with the support of my husband. I ran out of forgiveness, ran out of energy for her. I simply could not get over it when she continued to attack me over and over.
I can't seem to get over it. I want to know what lie she is telling next, what slanderous thing she is saying about me now. But I am determined to move past this. So off to therapy I go.
I left a lot out...there is
I left a lot out...there is so much more she did.
wait a minute this lil'
wait a minute this lil' heifer left a used maxi on your pillow? not to mention the kitchen counter :sick: I would have killed her..ugh that's disgusting. I'm sorry that's sick. She needs real help and an ass kickin'.
Ironically, DH has said she
Ironically, DH has said she has always been this way. She has always been very difficult, narcissistic, histrionic and cruel. He is as exhausted by her as I am and although initially he tried to be on her side, he ended up fully in my corner. It did not start out that way, but she hung herself too many times. I have his full support in cutting her off, and other than where he has a parenting duty to her, he has distanced himself as well. His son, my SS14 is a pretty great kid, and we have a good relationship. He wants to come back to live with us on the exception his sister is not allowed to come, as she tortures him as well.
I can't help but wonder if this is all typical SD behavior...if they are all like this and I am overreacting. I feel like I was a POW and was tortured by my captor, and now free, I can't figure out how to live my life again. To make matters worse, I am pregnant with a girl, my first daughter, one I always wanted, and now am scared to death after my experience with this teenage girl.
What if my daughter is the same way? What if I hate her too?
Someone suggested I might have PTSD and I am really starting to wonder if they are right. Was this extreme abuse? Was it bad enough that I could be mentally affected this way? Am I crazy?
So many questions and no closure.
Yes, you have PTSD. I may
Yes, you have PTSD. I may have told you that, I know I told someone that on here LOL. Your SD is a psychopath. There is no doubt about that.
Great point. The therapist
Great point. The therapist needs to stay focused on you. Healing, strengthening, becoming the best woman you can be ...
(I'd be afraid the counselor will get distracted by the insanity of SD. That is true crazy-making behavior. )
Good for you and stay out of SD's path. I like the Amish idea of shunning ... the person dies/disappears/becomes invisible.
Focus on you now.
The world will pay her back
The world will pay her back 10 times as she'll lose jobs, friends and family all of whom won't put up with her lying. Which begs the question - why did you for so long?
I think I did because I
I think I did because I really wanted to make it work. I wanted to have a good relationship with her and a happy family. I tried because I love my husband and wanted to love her. I could see bits of my teenage self in her and wanted to help her avoid my hardships. I wanted normalcy and happiness, so I kept trying to find it, get it, give it. I lean toward a forgiving person. I believed I was being a good wife, mother and Christian by continuing to try. I wanted joy and peace, and believed I could make it happen.
Not always. Sometimes their
Not always. Sometimes their nastiness is only reserved for a select few and they're very successful as they manipulate and destroy the people around them.
They are evil but smart enough not to bite the wrong hands
If she is a psychopath, and
If she is a psychopath, and I'd bet she is, she can only hide her nastiness for so long before it comes back to haunt her. My exh is a psychopath and he can't keep a job, have friends for long, keep a relationship (I was wife #2). They are good at conning people and then little things slip out here and there and eventually it blows up. They can only do it for so long before they get worn out from faking it all the time. If they are talking, they are lying.
Rather than stress yourself
Rather than stress yourself out about what she may or may not do next learn to enjoy and laugh out loud and publically at her bullshit. Prepare truly unpleasant, embarrassing, and degrading consequences for her behaviors. If she threatens you, your son, your mother, or your SS call the police and have her hauled off in cuffs for a psych evaluation. If she leaves dirty pads around put them on a poster board with a card next each with the date and location it was found, put her name on it and bring in out when her friends are visiting. Let them ridicule her for that nasty bullshit.
Take her shit behavior to school. Share it with her teachers, her school counselors, the principal, etc.... Share it with her friends and with extended family. Tender her behavior to all of those people in the guise of asking for advice on how to deal with her obviously disturbed behavior.
Web cams. Put them all over the house and record her maxi pad, toxic bullshit so you can then take it to her school counselor or therapist to demonstrate the level of depravity she functions at.
You can win this. Were I you I damned sure would. No quarter, make her life a living breathing hell. She will either pull her head out of her ass or she will go away at her earliest opportunity. Either way you win.
Go to therapy to get your own head straight but use your new calm, confident perspective to destroy the bullshit she deposits in your life. Don't accept, don't forgive it. DESROY IT!!!!
Most of all, have fun while you do it. }:)
}:) 
SD is 16.
SD is 16.
Even better. You have time to
Even better. You have time to address this with extreme focus.
Good luck.
Agreed. And when anyone
Agreed. And when anyone mentioned her I would recount the maxi pad stories along with everything else she has done that was toxic and manipulative.
Even the toxic idiots can't run from the facts of their behaviors.
Without going through all the
Without going through all the other comments, all I can say is what a nightmare this all must be for you!!! I don't think I could stick around! Can only say my thoughts are with you! Be sure to take care of you and your son...that is most important!
She left to go back to live
She left to go back to live with her mother back in the end of June. Thankfully. By then I was about 8 weeks pregnant and very ill with severe morning sickness. It was the day after school got out. Husband wanted her gone and did not delay. He had me book their flight the day after school got out.
Believe it or not, she is so
Believe it or not, she is so awful, DH doesn't much want anything to do with her either. His son asked to come live with us on the condition his sister is not allowed to come. DH said yeah, and agreed that his daughter cannot come back. She tried very, very hard to split us up, and nearly succeeded. Without God, we would have divorced 6 months into her stay. We discussed it with seriousness at that point. Fortunately I made the decision to stick it out until they left and we agreed to stay together for the benefit of our kids (his and ours) until they left and re-address then. I think that was his breaking point as well...after that, things got MUCH better for me, as he became aware of her treatment of me, our son, her brother, her lying and scheming, her filth. It was like God pulled the wool off his eyes. From then on, he was pretty much in my corner, and has remained since. Our marriage is actually better than ever now, and of course, we are expecting. He only has contact with her at the level he must to be a responsible parent, but has also taken a HUGE step in distancing himself from her.
That speaks volumes as to how horrible this girl is.
It is good to hear that your
It is good to hear that your DH has committed to making your marriage his priority and that his actions and behaviors are demonstrating that commitment.
Congratulations on the new baby.
When I was going through my snarky teen years my dad gave me absolute clarity that I should never put him in the position of having to chose between his wife and his eldest son or between his eldest son and the younger two. I would lose.
Fortunately I gained clarity and never pushed him or mom in to having to make that choice.
I was snarky once enough to
I was snarky once enough to get socked on the chin. He used to box Golden Gloves and I think Dad was as surprised as I was.
So she's out of the home permanently and already making enemies among her family and peers. She's got a long road.
By all means get whatever outside help you need, you're worth it.
..."you're worth it." Thank
..."you're worth it."
Thank you for that. I have to admit, validation is going to be a huge part of my recovery. Without coming off racist, they (skids) treated me like a "whipped ni**er". I don't like that kind of language, but there really is no better way to put it. As for SD, I was mud on the bottom of her shoe on a good day. I was treated less than human for a very long time, and it terribly eroded my self worth. I lost sight of who I was and that I am, indeed, worth it.
OCC, I was fortunate to have
OCC,
I was fortunate to have avoided the sock in the chin. The closest I got was to be slammed on the floor from the top bunk, straddled with dad's hand at my throat and splattered with a little blood on my cheek from when he split his knuckles punching the hard wood floors next to my head. "If you weren't my kid I would kick your ass." Never again did I need any adjustments on my attitude at least to that extent. I had spent the day arguing with mom. The final straw was when I was arguing with mom at the dinner table and she told me to go to my room and go to bed. I pushed my chair in and it slammed in to the table, I dropped my fork on the plate, stomped down the hallway and slammed the door to the room I shared with my brother. My mistake was climbing in to my top bunk bed.
I was probably okay until I slammed my door. Bad move. Even at 50yo I remember that incident clear as day.
Don't even fall for her
Don't even fall for her saying she wants to be with SS14. HE can't even stand her. She is horrible to everyone around her because so far, it has worked. She has not lost much for all of the bad behavior she has exhibited. Do you think BM is going to take her to dozens of doctor's appts? Do you think DH is going to go all that way to see her?
Definitely not worth it for ANYONE in her life.
BM will have to bear the brunt of SD16's evil ways, and maybe she'll kick her out at 18. SD16 has slowly been making her bed, and soon enough she will have to lay in it.
You sound like a good, extremely tolerant woman. I understand wanting to do the right thing. I went through that and now I feel defeated and empty. I have been a loner before and I can just withdraw until things change. I hate the power that SD19 has over me. She is at school and I dread when she comes back to visit. She is an entitled POS with a horrible attitude. Her father sees her with rose-colored glasses because she is his daughter.
I'm glad the Skids are getting older every day. One day closer to leaving my home. Their drama acts for attention make my stomach hurt.
~ Moon
My heart breaks for you ~ but
My heart breaks for you ~ but believe that karma is sweet m when that time comes get yourself done popcorn n enjoy the show.
My SD is a chameleon she shows her ugly ways behind DF's back but right in front of BM. BM would be cheering her own. I just can't wrap my brain around how rude people can be.
I thinks it's a mission to break us up ~ n she will just smile when it happens. Why wouldn't you want your parents to be happy ~ sure it might not be your parents together but it's never going back to that. They only married to give you that family lifestyle ~ but it so didn't work.
You are an adult ~ your life is just beginning your dad is not going to be a priority for you. You want him alone n miserable ~ if thats the case .; you just gave me an even uglier image of you.
As a parent how do you overlook the ugliness from your child ~ is it because you feel guilty or is it because she didn't do it to you. I will never understand your ignorance of her narcassist behavior. Here let me clean those rose colored glasses you are using ~ they have a little shit on them.
I went to my first therapy
I went to my first therapy appointment today. He thinks I might have PTSD also, and that SD is likely borderline personality. He was very empathetic and understood how I feel quite well. He made some suggestions to 1.) recognize and verbally affirm that now that she is gone, my home is again a safe, peaceful and calm place to help me rebuild trust in my home, and 2.) practice some mindfulness...3-5 minutes a day where i sit, practice breathing, and acknowledge thoughts as they come up, but let those thoughts know that I am aware of them however, they will have to wait as I am now focusing on my breathing. This will help train my mind to regain control.
Gonna see him again next week. I'd say it went well overall. He also validated my painful experience and value. It was good.
Borderline????? Try straight
Borderline????? Try straight up Psychopath!!!!
I said sociopath to him. He
I said sociopath to him. He asked me about her harming animals or humans. I said other than psychologically, threats to humans, and attacking her brothers when she was in a rage, no. She definitely didn't harm animals aside from neglect. He said not likely psychopath, but definitely a very sick human. He gave her no quarter.
Good for you for going to see
Good for you for going to see the therapist. Glad that you had a good experience and that he was supportive of you. (He was probably making secret notes for a best-selling book about step-children from Hell.)
I wish I could find a
I wish I could find a therapist near me that could help. I need to start looking again. It's encouraging to hear how well your session went. I know it's extremely difficult to deal with people that are just plain mean. My SD13 made a comment today, innocently enough, that I was "strict." It's because I have made a Chore List for the house. Little does she know that DH and I can do our chores perfectly fine, but she's the one who has poor time management and can't get anything done. It's not called being strict, it's called babysitting a 13yo. I hope she doesn't turn out like her SD19. SD19 is like your SD and is demon spawn with no respect for anyone who asks anything of her. I just don't know what I'm going to do when she comes back home from college.
I hope you are repeating your mantras over and over. Those exercises sound like good practice for all of us, just to help us relax, if even just a little bit. You took a big step today and it sounds like it went amazingly well. I'm really happy for you!
~ Moon