Need help! I can't live with the bitterness anymore
So...
I have two stepchildren, SD16 and SS14. SS14 and I have a good relationship. No problems there.
SD16 however, is a nightmare. All the typical horrid stuff...lying, laziness, torture, cruelty. You have heard it all before, no need to rehash. They both lived with us for a year. It was awful. She made our lives hell. They moved back with their mom about 3 months ago (thank you Jeesus).
After she moved, I disengaged completely. I should have before, but the situation was such that I couldn't...I was primary caretaker. I have since blocked her from all social media, text and calls. I had to because she was continuing to attack me via these avenues. I could not move on, or forgive with the constant onslaught. My husband wholeheartedly agreed with this decision, and although he did not start out in my corner, is firmly there now. He has seen her at work and is done with it. She has abused the crap out of me, and I have treated her with kindness. He could not take watching it anymore and has since cut her off as well, after giving her a full dressing down as to why.
So life is much better. She is out of our lives, and cut off from communication. Our marriage is much better, we are happier.
Problem is this: I can't forgive her and move on. I am so angry at her, and it consumes so much of my emotional time and head space. I want her out of my head and heart. I want to forgive, let go, and move on. I am pregnant now with my first daughter, and scared to death because of my experience with SD16. It is tainting my world view on raising a daughter of my own. I hate that. Also, it brings up all the icky feelings about who I used to be as a teenager. I was not like her, but I wasn't great either. I hate how she makes me feel like I hate who I used to be.
I have prayed and prayed about this. I have completely disengaged. I have sought my own forgiveness for my mistakes past and present. But it is like I have had stage 4 cancer for years and am still in treatment. It feels like it is never going to go away.
I was severely abused as a child. It took me 10-15 years after the abuse ended, and the death of my abuser, to finally move fully past it. I can't do that this time. She abused and violated me in some pretty bad ways and I don't want to live angry and hurting and unforgiving for so long again.
Help! Tell me this will go away, how to make it stop!
Everytime you find yourself
Everytime you find yourself thinking about her, the hurt she's caused or how you can make things better - just be conscious of the fact you're doing this, breathe, think of something beautiful (your favorite place, a waterfall, a beach, a forest) and breathe again. Tell yourself you're better than her, she's jealous of you and you can laugh that off at this point.
This is the only way I've been able to cope through hating BM during my pregnancy.
Or you know, unblock her and cyber bully her back. Lol I've been there too, but don't recommend it.
I'm definitely trying to be
I'm definitely trying to be mindful...changing my thought pattern, meditation, praying for both forgiveness and for her good. I will add imagery, maybe it will train my mind better. I definitely won't be seeking revenge or bullying her back. She wants me down on her level and I refuse. The best revenge is being happy and living better. She can stew in her bitter pot alone. I am trying like hell to climb out.
You have PTSD. Read up on
You have PTSD. Read up on it.
I am still trying to recover from my marriage that ended 7 years ago. Over time it seems to get worse. I guess it could be because I still have to deal with the psychopath because of my kids.
Try to replace your time and energy with new activities that make you happy and keep you busy.
I generally forgive quickly
I generally forgive quickly and easily. But this one I cannot let go. I think it is because I have forgiven her so many times just to have her do it again. I feel like Peter...I forgave not 7 but 7x77 times. I simply can't do it now, even though I have cut off her ability to hurt me again. I want it to just go away, be a distant memory, not haunt me anymore.
I think there is some credence to the idea I may have PTSD. I don't like the idea but i feel just that...haunted. Like she hollowed me out and left my heart and guts hanging in front of me. It was like being a prisoner with a horrible, sadistic jailer in many ways...the psychological warfare she waged was far beyond what you would think a teenager capable of.
Yep, I get that. And I keep
Yep, I get that. And I keep telling myself the same thing. But this is like an open sore that won't heal for some reason. I want the forgiveness to come so I can be freed of this yoke, but it just won't. Stubborn!!
See a professional counselor.
See a professional counselor. You will be amazed at the tools they can give you. Plus I'm not so sure you're beyond childhood abuse - it isn't that easy to get over. Tell the counselor about that also and lets be sure both of these problems are put to bed.
Again a professional has worked or studied problems like yours many times and should be able to help you almost immediately. If after 4 sessions you don't feel better about the direction you going find another one and start with them. In 3 or 4 months maximum you should be back out on your own so don't let them string it out. It will be the best money you've ever spent.
I like you am haunted by what
I like you am haunted by what SD did to my daughter. I say this here n now ~ I will never forgive her actions at all. That becomes her burden in life ~ she had to live with what she has done. I will never forgive the bullying she did to my daughter ~ the harassing that still continues after almost 3 years. People need to be held for their actions ~ i believe your sd along w mine ~ will someday revisit their terror n want to ask for forgiveness ~ but alias I will never. The terror she reigned on my family was something I believe she needs to live with ~ like when she has kids I hope she can't look in the mirror. I would never give her that ~ I will relish the moment she asks for it and out of my mouth comes ~ Karma is a bitch !!!
I don't let her occupy space in my mind ~ I would rather enjoy my kids, my DF and my family. And continue to be around people who love me ~ rather than people who loath me. She will not steal my happiness ~ it's my life n I chose to smile not frown.
Flip your story of drama ~ value yourself enough not to give her space in your head. You have way to many happy things that will soon occur ~ you will have your daughter. A beautiful baby girl whom you will love unconditionally. Kiss her, hug her , hold her love her ~ enjoy the LOVE.
You have been blessed to realize ~ what kind of relationship you don't want. And I am sure you will work to have a good relationship w your daughter. You have a great example of what not to do.
You will do fabulous ~ you will be a great mom. And when you don't feel do great you come here n vent n get the support you need.
I've decided today to seek a
I've decided today to seek a therapist. I can't deal with this albatross any longer. I just want to be free of her and happy again. I hate feeling so much bitterness and hate in my heart. I am a gentlewoman...it is not like me to feel this way. I hate that she is my first thought every day and my last. I want those thoughts to be gratitude and joy, not anger and discord.
I need freedom and it can't wait.
I like you can relate to your
I like you can relate to your situation. My sd17 and sd16 are the most selfish little brats to ever walk this earth. It's a shame cause when they were young they would follow me everywhere they had so much love but over the years bio my
Has been in their ears telling them over an over it's my fault they don't see their dad it's my fault this an that
And all I have done like so many other step mums here have bent over backwards to cook clean mother love an do anything I could to involve these kids. Hubby has seen what they are like, he actually sat them down after once again they brought me to tears after talking to each other about hoping me an my kids would die, that their dad would choose us ( lol actually hubby has told me that part is true) as me an hubby have raise my kids an they love an respect us an the steps are jealous of that but as I didn't meet hubby until he had broken up with bio nearly 3 years later it's not my fault. The 2 older ones ran away from bio an moved in with us, I gave in even after the older one dogged me out twice before this as I didn't want them living on the street. My daughter gave up her room for them. Hubby sat them down an told them I'm his wife if you don't like it or respect it then F ing leave. Made a bit of difference for a Couple days an then they started the same thing again. I no longer will allow them in my home nor will I speak to them ever though they have both tried to pretend to make up with me via text I'm not interested but like you I am still so angry as they still call hubby an hubby speaks to them like nothing has happened which to me feels like he's excepting what they did to me an my kids was right. The funniest thing of all is the older one still rings an tries to pretend she's worried about how my kids are an hubby tells her. That makes me F ing angry cause my kids an me have nothing to do with this little bitch as far as I'm concerned we are no longer her family. I know how you feel an your story sounds so much like mine. I find myself going over an over in my head an thinking to myself why do I bother putting myself through this, why don't I just leave an take my kids some where better but I love my husband. I'm sure if my step kids don't kill me the stress of it will. Now the youngest sd13 still comes for holidays an I dread the day she arrives as I can see in her she is exactly the same as the other 2. They all lie to bio an each other about me an their father, only call their dad when they want something. It's funny sd13 comes goes home an we don't even get a phone call until the next holidays start. I can honestly say I'm so full of hate an anger since having these sd in my life an I'm really not happy but I put up with this life for hubby sake. You will never get over being angry an treated like crap an I'm sorry I prob haven't helped you at all but just wanted you to know you are not alone in this
Amen sister! Taken, I feel
Amen sister! Taken, I feel just like you. Mine have no BM to go back to, so I am biding my time until SD19 makes me go off the deep end. Stupid Skid.
~ Moon