All reality...what does this sound like to you?
One of my SDs has severe mental issues that go way beyond the normal. I would like a serious opinion about this. She has some fixation, I do believe with her younger brother(my SS). She massages his shoulders, looks stray eyed at him and requests the most stupid things from him and is offended when he doesn't give or do what she asked. An example is: her brother and his wife had two children. They included DH and I completely from beginning to end. On a daily basis we are in our grandchildren a lives. During these three years( while her brother was starting his family) she had been on birth control and suddenly found she was pregnant by a boyfriend she never told and hid from DH and I. We had bought strollers, baby clothes and a bunch of other things to help SS and wife with the babies. We sent flowers to the hospital at the deliveries. Since we were never told about the pregnancy by SD and she had told SS to keep it hush, even though he didn't, SD was never included us, we never sent her anything. The day she delivered SD told SS to tell DH and I. We never sent her anything because of how she acted in dealing with the whole situation. SD moaned and groaned to SS and he told her you only wanted things and got pregnant on purpose to get things and your plan backfired. Here's the best part: when SD went into delivery she wanted her brother there rather then her mother or sister. SS refused and she got mad saying you were in the room when daughter in law delivered. SS said those we my kids. So as SD daughter begins talking, she teaches the little girl to call SS "uncle daddy". SS complained and told her it was sick and twisted and the child better never say that. When SD visits SS she always has to be caressing him and he pushes her off or she has to be sitting beside him and he moves. One time she wore some sexy lingere in front of him and his children and wife at his house. She calls him constantly to rehash old times or texts him. He does not answer. He has banned her from visiting. These are just a few examples but I could write a book since there are so many others. Besides her infatuation with her brother she also acts inappropriate towards her father whenever she has been around. He motive there is money and jealousy but I wonder if it goes deeper. She seems to have a problem with all men. I had thought maybe sometime a man had molested her as a child but my DH says not. He travelled for business a lot when she was young so as far as he knows it couldn't have happened. But knowing DH ex, she hid a lot of things from DH while he was away for work through the years. An example is when SD graduated high school she was pregnant and had an abortion. We were never told anything about it until my friend who works across the street informed me she saw SD walking into the clinic. Then one weekend when SS went for visitation he came back crying and telling us how something had happened and no one would tell him what and SD had to be taken away by ambulance. I confronted DH ex and she said how do you know that and hung up the phone. When DH called her she said I was just starting things when there were no things. SD daughter is now 7 years old and DH and I are worried about her mental state. As far as we know, SD is verbally abussive but not physical yet with the daughter. SD tells her things about me and I can only imagine since the child won't speak to me. Every man SD dates, her daughter has to call daddy. It's sick. Does anyone know of personality disorders I can look up or what these strange fixations are or may result from? If I can find a beginning with documented proof we can get SD help and help her daughter so she doesn't grow up so weird. My SD is mid thirties and I just don't feel like this is normal behavior. She has some sick infatuation with her brother and father.
Sounds like a sick one
Sounds like a sick one alright! If it weren't for her little girl, I'd suggest total disengagement but this one is hard. Does she ever expect her daughter to be so accommodating to men as she is?
I'm afraid she's raising her
I'm afraid she's raising her daughter like that. It really escapes me as to how she got this way. I just need some clue as to where to begin for research. The ex is a man hater. She never asked DH for help with anything when they were married. DH complains about all the money he had to spend to fix her attempts at fixing things.perhaps it goes deeper and into the ex up bringing? That just dawned on me. I need to ask DH if he knows anything about ex family life.
How old is this woman and
How old is this woman and this man? Is she mentally slow or what? Some of this makes sense and some does not! Tell us the rest of the story please
:jawdrop:
The Sd is around 34 and the
The Sd is around 34 and the SS is around 27. My DH is approaching 60 and I am 45. I first came to this site with an issue about Christmas. I'm not sure what you want to know more about. The SD hadn't anything to do with DH for years. Then spoke thru SS when she had the baby. She got mad about that situation and didn't speak to DH until about four years ago when he had a heart attack and then did she allow only him into her daughters life. She makes everything a competition and if you saw it you'd agree she almost pushes her child onto DH lap, she forces people to have something to do with her child. I've heard her say it takes a village to raise a child. Well the village is because she hardly has her child. She has a college education, makes good money but sends her kid to everyone else to watch all the time. And she always likes to play I'm the single, struggling parent card. She's not struggling compared to some because she owns a house and has a well paying job. I found this site a few days ago and wrote about how SD informed us she was coming here for Christmas. The rest of the family is dredging it and I needed to know how to save the holiday. I fear I will not see my own children because they do not like her and will be at their spouses families instead. It contains some info that can help. She was told to stay away from my children because years ago when we were blending the family she had said she wanted to take her new, younger sisters out to eat to get to know them. She was 17 and they were ranging3 to 9. She inappropriately asked them how much money I made, where I worked, who paid the bills, who bought my car etc. When SS came home and told us as well as tried to defend my girls from her, we were livid. That's when DH and I decided she was not to be alone with SD. They also had to grow up with SD following me around town and throwing eggs at my house and stuff which was frightening and something they will probably always remember. Anything else I can give you just let me know. I have no objections because everyone's opinion may point me in the right direction
Tell us more of the story.
Tell us more of the story.
What more can I say? SD is
What more can I say? SD is the middle child so maybe the middle child syndrome applies. I don't believe in it because I have three daughters of my own and my middle child is happy and successful. Another story about SD is when SS got married, he transferred to the town SD lives in which is approx 1000 miles away from us. He had to work there so until they found thier own place they lived with his BM and the SD. After two months or so they had money saved and found an apartment. My daughter in law called frantically and in tears. When they told BM and SD they were moving out SD went into a rage. She was throwing things and yelling. She said there was no reason to move because they could turn the attic into the baby's room. She said they all needed to live in one house splitting responsibilities. They were all family. I don't care what family it is, but you can't put two queen bees in it to live together. Every woman runs her household differently. After the rage was over, the move was done, and the first grandbaby( SS about two months later) was born, SD would show up at their apartment all hours and never knocked just walked in the door if it wasn't locked. SS soon started always locking the door. He described that SD would hold the baby and state at it as if the child was hers. She brought people over unannounced to see the baby. If the baby was asleep, one time she pushed daughter in law out of the way, went to baby room and got the baby up and out of the crib. Don't get me wrong because I haven't said it but everyone has stood up to her in these instances and has put her in her place. But her memory span must be void because she turns around and does stuff over and over. SS finally had to park his car around the block so she would think they weren't there. Then he called DH and wanted to know if he could move with us and find work here because she was out of control and daughter in law was at wits end. So SS moved in with us for a few months and then got a home of their own. They were much happier here.it was like a " hand that rocks the cradle" type thing like maybe she would have taken their baby.
Did she act unhinged before
Did she act unhinged before the divorce? There are some serious issues going on there. Since she's an adult all you can really do is avoid her.
Yes she has always acted
Yes she has always acted unhinged. She always wanted all the attention and acted out to get it, whether good or bad. ,y DH and I have had some discussions about her but you'd have to know his story. He travelled for a living. He was home for a total of maybe four months a year. Not a solid four either, a few days here and a few there. He begged his ex to come visit with the kids when he was few hours from home and stay at his hotel. She was always to busy or had an excuse. On his downtime from work, here he was in a new place and thought he could site see with his family. He was lonely. DH and his ex would fight whenever he called home. He turned to drinking. I'm not making excuses for him but he became an alcholic. When he did get to take trips home, he and ex fought so he'd spend the night at freinds and other family homes. During the kids lives(and I have heard her do it later when introduced to the family), she'd say things like wait till your dad gets home I'm going to tell him how bad you are and spank you or when something broke she'd say if your dad was around..blah blah. I think she bad mouthed him a lot when the kids were young. So besides traveling and alcoholism, DH wasn't around while his children grew up. I'm sure they resent that. When he decided to get a divorce he went to get treatment. The issue played a part in us getting custody of SS but to this day he can honestly say he has been over 20 years sober. The first two or three years he has lapses but since then he's perfect. So when it comes to him knowing some situations about his own children, fact is he doesn't know. His ex briefly babysat for my children until I realized it wasn't a good environment for my kids to be in. That's how I knew the family to begin with years ago. Ex confided in me about my now DH and DH confided in me about ex. I had heard about both of them from each other and saw a lot but I do remember something in that house was odd. So now I guess it would be a good time to tell you how I got with DH. The town I lived in was small. I grew up there my whole life. I knew everyone and if I didn't they knew my family. My family had money. I went to college and had a privileged life. I had two friends who worked at the rehab center where DH was. He had kept talking about me and my ex being the only friends he had in town. Perhaps the info I was given is against medical oaths but my friends told me no one visited or called or anything when DH was able to have visitors. She said he was alone but always talked about me and my ex. I went to visit him and he was greatful. We began a strong friendship and when my marriage crumbled( having to do with affair on my ex part), I leaned on DH. After DH got out, we continued the friendship and it wasn't easy because of his slips but I helped him. Our friendship became something else and led into marriage. I have heard SD ask DH why he could stop all his bad habits for me but not for her and her mother. Most of the drama, I take care of and only say anything to DH when I need him to put a foot down. I'm not looking for a doctor on here to tell me what is wrong with SD, I just wanted a clue as too a direction to proceed to research and then call the proper people. It's like calling CPS and telling them something.. They go to the house to interview but call first to set up date and time so the place gets cleaned up and speeches get prepared. Then CPS closes the case and moves on while nothing gets done. And I'm t bashing CPS.
We are trying to get her into
We are trying to get her into the system by calling every time we see something but the system has flaws. Example is the kid had lice for two years to the point there were blisters and scabs on her head. When we called CPS, the woman informed me it wasn't life threatening. CPS called Sd, scheduled an appointment to come to her home. So SD bought shampoo and spray, cleaned her home and showed CPS lady all this. CPS lady called it good. SD was not proactive and didn't not follow thru so kid got lice again, again, and again. After all the complaints to CPS, they got tired of it and I can not be sure they went and checked. My children never had lice so my house couldn't have had it. I also thoroughly cleaned after each visit. SD house was so infested it couldn't be cleared up. Only after SD put stuff in storage and moved to another home did the problem go away. I know it was an infestation on SD part. It's hard to prove she neglects her daughter when a cop told me once that she always has someone looking out for her child so that's not neglect. Go figure, it's a losing battle.
I did not ask anyone for a
I did not ask anyone for a psychological diagnosis for my SD. I asked for a clue as to what to research to get her help, treatment or whatever she may need. I thought perhaps her behavior sounded familiar to someone. I don't know if she is mentally ill or it's a personality disorder. I don't want to be on the 11 o'clock news as the family whose SD stabbed then to death 30 times while they slept because she drove 1000 miles and broke into their home. Perhaps I didn't explain it well enough, I'm not worried about the true cause of her behavior but they way it escalates for my safety, DH and the rest of the family. An officer told me until she does physical harm to someone they can't do anything. I'm trying to keep it from becoming physical. Sd has always been very smart but book smart only. She has two degrees and well paying job.but as far as common sense goes, she is dumb as hell. She can read a 100 page manual and put something together but if you take the screw cap off of a coke, she doesn't know how to put it back on.as for peace, I won't have peace until I know my kids and other skids and grandchildren will be okay and don't have to live in fear of her, which they currently all do.
What specifically has she
What specifically has she done to make you afraid of her? If you can come up with specifics and witnesses, you can obtain a restraining order so she can not come near to your home. Document (along with witness statements) and, if possible, video everything you can. That's the first step.
Specifically: she found out
Specifically: she found out what bank we use, utilities, cable, etc. she started online accounts to keep track of us. When I went to set up my online accounts I couldn't and called providers. They said one had been established. After them sending me information emails, copies of the account, I realized it was her. If she didn't have the info specific for us she used her info. Big tell tale she did it. When we lived in the same town she followed me everywhere like to grocery store, babysitters, bank, etc. also she threw eggs at my house. She tried to go to the school and talked to my children, which the school notified me she was there. She stalks my facebook and tries to befriend my friends, some of whom don't know about her behavior have accepted and unfriended her because she bombarded them with emails of how horrible I am. Since we have moved, she drives by my family members houses to see if we have come to visit. She has actually seen my family members in stores and yelled at them until the store manager called the police for such a ruckus. She came to our house one time unannounced and charged me with her fists. DH jumped on her knocking her to the ground and told her to leave after helping her up. She screamed over and over, never blinking, as if in at trance that I hate her. DH pulled her to her vehicle while she screamed. He couldn't get her into the car so he slapped her in the face. She took a breath and got in her car, left and drove to the sheriff station. DH had to get a lawyer and we went to court. The judge said we didn't look for this trouble, she brought it to us 15 miles out of town and we handled it best we could so he threw it out. I know I'm forgetting stuff because this covers years and years but it's escalating. One Father's Day Sd, her daughter, and SD sister and mother came to visit. They were staying with SS and wife and kids. Daughter in laws grandmother dies so her sister drove up for funeral. SS and daughter in law had not spent much time with them because of funeral. Instead of being compassionate, SD started a fight with daughter in law. All the children were hiding in bedroom closet out of fear. It became physical and daughter in law had to defend herself. Mother got in on the physical side also. SS kicked them all out and told them never to come back into his home disrespecting his wife. It's two years later and SD continues to call SS but he doesn't answer. He barley speaks to his mother. SD will text him something serious so he will call her and when he does she makes up some excuse about how she had misinterpreted the facts but everything's okay and then begins in on him about something until he hangs up. If she can go to so much trouble searching online, then getting physical with me and SS and wife, what is next? This is why I am fearfully of her. She is a big girl too. I weigh 145 and she is around 285(best guess). First she started out emotionally or mental causing us issues and slowly she has gotten physical.
I feel so bad for you
I feel so bad for you because, as you say, it's been going on for years. It's time for it to stop.
You have witnesses who can write on your behalf including the bank, SS's wife, and others who can see she is stalking you of Facebook - plus a copy of the judgement in court. This is enough to get a restraining order. Once you do this, it will be easier for you to level charges if needed.
I have been down this road
I have been down this road before with parental alienation and proving verbal abuse. I've been to CPS and made calls to no vain. In my opinion CPS is a joke by giving them heads up to get things in order before inspection. It just like welfare. It's meant to help people but then there are those who live off of it. Having kid after kid in order to get more money. But you can't tell me there isn't anyone in this forum or group that hasn't had a child with adhd, autism or some type of problem. There isn't anyone who hasn't walked in my shoes or similar before. I thought this was a place to vent and non judgmental. I'm sorry if in my statement you interpreted it as "professional" opinion for I meant those who maybe had been in something similar I wanted to know their results so I could research and see if perhaps I was dealing with a similar issue.
Your statements are very
Your statements are very true. I know I shouldn't get involved but it is the 7 year old I feel for. I'm not familiar with big brothers so I'm gonna do some checking on it. We have made the calls before but unless CPS suspects life threatening cause, SD is notified of the visit. DH tries but is very busy. We run a successful business and he hasn't the time. I do his footwork. He has had 1 heart attack so I try to keep his stress level down. BM is a lot of the problem. She has let SD go since she was little, or so I have heard from some of the few stories I've been told.
Perhaps I haven't mentioned
Perhaps I haven't mentioned the age difference between my husband and I. I am only 7 or 8 years older than his oldest daughter, my good Sd. Granted it's taken her and I a few years to be on speaking terms and have a relationship but it works until her BM and the bad SD comes along. Then the good ones fades into the background and doesn't do or say anything , even defend herself. Anyhow my husband is older, had one heart attack, diabetic on insulin, not to mention the forty pills per day for his heart. We own one business which has four divisions, employees is approx 80 people. As far as controlling his stress working for me...it does because every time I think of how I would have to live alone and without his love and companionship , I will help him anyway I can. He's taken care of my children when their own father wouldn't and never complained because they gave him respect and love. And now in his last leg of life, when he has given me all, I owe it to him to give him my all. It seems to me this site may be filled with very few people seeking answers but more people who are bitter and feel they should look down on others rather than help or share, which I thought this website was about....venting to others without judgement.
I get that, I truly do. But
I get that, I truly do. But I'm not gonna throw away a great life of 15 to 20 years for the few bad we have had with SD. Living so far apart from her, the rest of us have a good life. I can't imagine leaving all of my grand kids either. Let's face it, in every divorce people choose sides. All the kids living by us have explained they don't want this situation to run into the next generation. They don't see why it can't end with them and they will keep it from the grand kids. They don't want their children to live through and see what they had to. It has worked. But SD wants the feuding to continue. We've all blocked her out when possible and deal with what we have to. In a perfect world, divorce shouldn't be about choosing sides, just one bigger family. But we don't live in a perfect world. I have to admit I got a feeling about you as if you were a bitter person. But reading your comments I'm beginning to understand I was wrong. I'd really like to hear your story sometime. If someone said bipolar, it helps me because I can look up what types of behavior to expect when she is face to face. I am at peace and have a peaceful life until SD says she's coming. I'll research a few options and then forget about it until November or December when she's close to coming. But I will be prepared. This is probably the last time she comes around because she must have an agenda and it never works as she has planned plus DH said he's gonna tell her GOODBYE. And as I said to some one else, the kids don't want this to travel thru the next generation(the grand kids) and the grand kids have seen a few instances to make them question things. Explanations were age appropriate and left out a lot of detail. One day they may find out but hopefully they are at an age they can look at the situation with objectivity and sense.
Thank you! I will begin
Thank you! I will begin there. I have heard the term narcissist also but at least I can start looking and find what fits to gather some conclusions to protect myself and my family. Toxic is definitely the word for this. Thank you again.
I understand what your
I understand what your saying. The first five years or so have been rough with SD. Then years and years we had no contact with her. Seven years ago we were told about her child but not allowed to be involved because we didn't accommodate her financially like she expected. So no word until fours years ago when he had his heart attack because she thought he'd die and I would get everything, which she actually made the statement out loud to SS and my daughters because she wanted them to know she was to get her share. DH ignored this flag because he had hoped she matured and he wanted to see his granddaughter. So it's been on and off for the las four years with her. We live 1000 miles apart which is an advantage but whenever she does make that drive, here it goes again. My DH has overcome a lot, alcoholism, heart attack and diabetes. He is older than me. He has always taken care of my children's needs and we have successfully raised four other children(3 mine, 1 his), who are successful today. We even have a relationship with the second SD but she has always been slightly standoffish. Total children is 6 but We only really consider four. I love this man and my family with the one exception and we have been normal until SD comes around. There have been more good times than bad, by far. Someone else said sociopath. I need to research that behavior and capabilities of people like that so as to be able to defend or protect myself and family. My DH and I have talked about this for hours and hours and we have concluded that SD would not be as bad as she is if it wasn't for BM subtly putting ideas in her head. People with weak minds can be controlled and maybe that's the case here. SD is coming for Christmas and I really believe there is an agenda. DH says this will be the last time to try to help her or have her involved with anything provided we can survive the holiday. As long as we live miles and miles from her we are safe. It's just preparing for her trips here we need to be concerned. I can not walk away from this man I've been with and had 15 to 20 good years with because of a few bad ones.
Oh hell no! Sorry for the
Oh hell no! Sorry for the curse but she is not staying at our house. Our tradition is everyone comes over Christmas Eve after supper and we open gifts together. Then they go home. This way the kids go to in laws on Christmas Day. Sometimes they come back for Christmas dinner and some stay at in laws. But we all do Christmas Eve. SD is staying at her sisters house with BM and BMs mother. The sister lives two towns over in a house we rent to her. She is my SD too but we have maintained a semi relationship that somehow works. But whenever the bad SD or mother comes then she becomes quiet, bows down to them, and says nothing. She doesn't even defend herself to them. By the way, BM and BM mother are not coming to my house. I'm sure good SD can't wait until bad SD leaves. She had once said that bad SD was family and she had to defend family. Thier mother put that into their heads but didn't explain the rest of it that defending family may mean institutionalizing them if need to because that's love. Watching a family member destroy themselves isn't defending. At least that's the way I was raised. I'd commit someone, put them in jail or tie them up before I watched them destroy themselves. We own 38 acres of land. Our home and business are on the same lot. They are apart from each other as well as fenced. My house has security system with outside cameras, inside cameras, motion detectors, and we have four large dogs outside. I can watch my place on my cell phone from anywhere at any time. 38 acres is a big space and we are very far away from the business but the entire 38 is secure. My DH made me take a handgun course and self defense. I'm not scared on my own property. If worse comes to worse, we will have Christmas as usual, somewhere else without SD but we will pay for the other kids and grand kids to be there.