Money and 20yr old step daughter...what would you do?
I need some sage wisdom and rationality as I am feeling neither at the moment!
SD, who is 20 and in university, has decided to send another random text out of the blue (after 19month of no communication as she decided to ignore us for some unknown reason we still to this day can't get a reason for!) we sent lots of calls and texts the first 12month with no responses back and the last 8months it has dwindled to maybe once a month as we figured it wouldn't matter anyways since she hasn't bothered to reply in the last year) she decided to text to throw her tempter tantrum once again of "you need to give me £500 plus to help with my car insurance and you owe it to me because you abandoned me..." Guilt trip and so on. She needs it but the 10th (thanks for the advanced notice! Not!) and continued to call him a liar and say a lot of spiteful and mean things to DH basically because he didn't agree to give it to we right away and voiced to her that she needed to speak with me and go over the budget to see what we could afford. He also mentioned that he had a fear that she was going to take the money and then we wouldn't hear from her for another almost 2 years and like the last time, this is a repeated situation now. He also said that it really made him sad. The tantrum from her escalates from there, so of course he caved and said yes to giving her the money!
I want to be supportive family member and help the kids, that's always been important to me! I believe a parent should be there for the child! I want to help her where we can BUT I don't want to send out the message that it is ok to treat your parents like this. It's not and I feel by giving her the money, we are sending out the message that the behaviour and her treating us this way is ok and will get her what she wants. There is no respect, consideration or courtesy to this girls manors, only spoiled selfishness. She is completely denying that she has part in this situation.
I told DH that he needs to call her and put the understanding into her that though we are helping her this time, this will be the last time she gets this help from us if she comes back again and treats us with this same sort of blatant disrespect. It's a childish temper tantrum and flung guilt trips every time she pulls this stunt and it really hurts us and we will not encourage or allow her to treat us in that manner anymore. We are nt her ATM machine that she only screams at for money then ignores again for several month until she needs to make another "withdraw".
I hope I am not out of line here, but this cycle needs to stop. Am I wrong in establishing that as a boundary? What would you all have done! Been putting up with this for the last almost 5yrs! I'm tired of it!
My reply to her stupid nasty
My reply to her stupid nasty text woulda been something along the lines of..
"I owe you absolutely nothing. Get off your ass and earn your own keep. You are an adult now - act like one!!".
If DH keeps giving in to her - the demands will never stop. He has to quit the enabling!
Stupid twit. Damn, if my kid sent me a text like that, their ears would've been bleeding from the blasting they would get from me".
Excuse me ~~~ you owe it to
Excuse me ~~~ you owe it to me cause you abandon me ??? How are those two issue even related ???
How about F to the NO ~ I'd give her nothing. Why r u responsible for her car insurance ??? Who established that concept ???
NOT NO...HELL NO. I tell
NOT NO...HELL NO. I tell DH...give her a
dime and I am out of here. It is one thing to be spoiled but has nothing to do with you all...then calls like a crazy bitch demanding money. Sorry...you must have the wrong number.DH should of told her...it has been so long since I heard from my daughter...guessing...she married a rich man by now.
I don't know what I'd do,
I don't know what I'd do, because I wouldn't be able to stop laughing at that text. I be forwarding that to my friends for days.
You may want to show your DH
You may want to show your DH this article on Emotional Blackmail http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201302/fear-o...
He may even go so far as to show it to her so she's on the alert that he's not going to be a part of it anymore.
Jenna this was very much
Jenna this was very much appreciated! it really helped open our eyes!
Give her $1 to contact
Give her $1 to contact someone who cares. Geez, this kid is out of line!
LOL! Right?!? It's absolutely
LOL! Right?!? It's absolutely shocking! I must have missed the memo somewhere!
Thank you all soo much for
Thank you all soo much for the advice that you gave above! I think I left a few things out (not that the info makes a difference any ways to be honest) but from a convo I had with her grandparents (DH's parents) I did find out recently that she was doing a part time job at a retail store, but I also heard something crazy like its minimum wage and she drives an hour out to get there. Why do that when she lives in a pretty big city and can get work there easily? She does well in School and doesn't get in trouble or anything, its just her disgusting attitude to us. Again, its NOT the money that DH and I are upset about, it how she comes to us for it after ignoring us for insane periods of time (19months!) and spreading lies and rumours about us while away to put people against us, then comes back to us yelling and giving us threats and guilt trips till she what she wanted then leaves again and spreads rumours and ignores us for insane long times...Then repeats the cycle. It' been going on longer than the almost 5yrs I have been with my DH.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for the article Jenna! DH did read it was like "omg! you have been saying this same thing and she's doing exactly what this article says!He's really taken it on board and we are making plans on how to deal with this together now instead of giving in.
I don't know if not giving the money would really make her just cut ties completely or not, I want her to understand that its not ever about the money, but the vile treatment behind the money! Its not ok for her to keep drudging up the past and at 20yrs old, a relationship IS a two-way street! We aren't going to glue our lips to her butt and beg for her attention, which is what I think she wants! It's classic narcissistic behaviour and her mother is the exact same.
We talked to DH's mom this morning who was appalled and completely took our side and said "times to get take control and show some hard love and giving some hard truths".
It has been a relief off my back to know that I'm not being unreasonable! Thank you all for your advice and support and if you have more, I am more than happy to take it! Thanks for being an ear (or eyes in this case!) that I can use!
I agree full heartedly with
I agree full heartedly with this, it absolutely infuriates me. It also makes me angry that he continually gives in as well to the emotional blackmail she gives.
I have literally lost sleep over this situation for the last few days because of how angry I am about it. I do however, see a cycle break in my husband this time emotionally. I think he has started to get it as his attitude has changed quite a bit over the last few days as he has been reading and learning more about this via his own researches.
I hope that we can reach the point and agreement you guys did! Would make our lives so much easier.
Let me rephrase, we in no way
Let me rephrase, we in no way mean or intend to shame her, criticise, insult, etc. BUT we do feel its time to take the power of fear, obligation and guilt out of her hands and not reward her/give her what she wants as a result of that behaviour. The cycle needs to be broken. But as DH's mother says, there is nothing wrong with establishing boundaries to set the expectation.
I haven't talked to her in
I haven't talked to her in almost 2yrs now with no plans to talk to her, so I couldn't see her seeing me as anything remotely close to being a parent. She won't talk to me any ways because she learned 2yrs when she came to me for money, I couldn't be manipulated as I said "no" full stop. She tried to throw her tantrum at me and I said "I am not having you treat me like this, get angry all you want, my decision is final and we are done talking!" and I hung up on her and that was the start of our 2yr silence. Which to be fair, has been a WONDERFUL break! I wasn't going to entertain the insults. Thank god I am not her mother nor do I ever want to be. But I have to deal with the emotional crumble that she causes every time in my dh, which means what she does to my dh does wear on me emotionally as well!
I don't intend on teaching my dh how to teach her respect, I just want to encouraging my dh to take a stand for himself and break the abusive cycle. I could care less about what the skid thinks or feels. Sure she needs to be knocked down a peg or two, but I firmly believe karma will help with that. I can't control what either party does, but I can encourage dh to have more confidence in himself and to realize the fantastic person he is and to remember that when she goes into her narcissistic blackmail mode and tries to tear him down.
"So I don't think the message should be that this is the last time he gives her money... unless she can stop being an asshole. It should be that this is the last time he gives her money, period." You are absolutely correct! I so agree with this.
Umm...our funds are joined so yes, it does effect me as well really. I can venture that and see if he will consider it. LOL! I would make people fume not to cover the whole amount, which could be kinda funny! (lol! sorry! I shouldn't take pleasure out of that idea! but it would be kind of funny).
Thank you soo much for your input! It was really good info and its helped me to calm down on my emotional reactions as well.
I agree! haha! this is why
I agree! haha! this is why she won't come to me for money. I say no and don't let her even get going on her rants. I just say "my decision is final and this conversation is done." The last time I did that was 2yrs ago, I haven't heard from her since, she won't talk to me now! LOL!
I absolutely agree 2000%!
I absolutely agree 2000%! This is what I said!
Her mother is twice this behavior. The apple grew and fell from that tree! LOL! Her mother is impossible to work with and everything IS about money with her. There is no amicable relationship between dh and the bm because of how unreasonable and how crazy her expectations are. You would have to be Bill Gates to meet all her demands!
Both are terrible with their games, but at least the mom holds no secrets its about money and status. I think karma has started to come around for both though really. A lot more people have been calling them up on their behaviour lately.
I think this has actually broken the camels back for my hubby, he's been making a lot of these same comments. His tune has been changing a bit since that initial conversation with the sd a few days ago...will see how this develops...
Thanks so much for your input! I really appreciate the advice!
If my husband gave his kid a
If my husband gave his kid a dime after this kind of behavior, all hell would break loose here. We have separate finances, but it is still affected to me and the other kids that like us. If he gives his money up, when we want to do something, than it affects his mood if I have to pay. That affects me. So my answer would be no.
She deserves nothing and he is abusing her by not forcing her to be an adult with consequences. He is enabling the behavior. I would say no and tell him that she does need to grow up and he is not forcing her to grow up and learn how to treat others.
I think it is time that your
I think it is time that your husband is honest and upfront with his daughter. I would suggest that he remind his daughter that you and he tried to keep contact with her without any reply for a year and that cannot be considered abandonment, that was of her own choosing. I would also suggest to husband that he point out the anger and demanding demeanor in which his daughter is speaking to him and ask her why she would expect him to want to help her out after she has treated him the way she has. I would ask him to point out that she is an adult and capable of her own choices which includes having a small emergency fund set aside for times like these. You could agree to help or you could agree to a loan but after this type of behavior I do not think I would give her the money. If your husband does she learns she can treat you both with disrespect and get away with it. I know his thoughts and fears are of loosing his daughter if he doesn't help and being blamed but he cannot pay to keep her in his life either.