Hello all, I think I am finally strong enough to leave my abusive husband. I have been through enough to write a book, so I will try to keep this as short as possible. I went to a free counselor recently; he just gave me very generic advice, and tried to make me pay to take a personality quiz (along with my husband). I don't have anyone to talk to, so I really need your advice and opinions. I truly appreciate your help.

The Stepkids: I have SS9 and SS11. They live in another state; we only see them on school breaks. I have known them for 3 years now. I am tired of keeping quiet and saying "they're really good boys". They are, for the most part, but there are issues. Neither of them talks to me. When we're alone, they won't even talk out loud and resort to whispering. I have tried to engage them, to talk about video games, to encourage and praise them. It broke my heart at first to see how distant they were. I backed off, instinctively at first, and let them have more alone time with their dad. They seemed threatened by me, and I wanted them to know I wasn't trying to be replacement mom (after much reading I now understand that I'm not the only one to disengage). They are so clingy to DH, esp. SS9. It's good that they love him and I am glad he gets to be part of their life. But even DH tells them to back off, because they are always standing in his way or clinging to him. SS9 still wets the bed & has to wear pull-ups. Every night. We try to limit his liquid intake after 7 or 8pm, and have him pee right before bed, but he still soaks the pull-up & mattress every night. SS11 just wants to be on his laptop all day and gets all mopey if DH takes it away. I know part of that is his age. They have to be told constantly to put their dishes away, throw their trash away, and to wash their hands after they poop. SS9 has a real problem with washing his hands. They don't have major behavioral problems, which makes me feel even worse about not liking them. They won't eat for me, but as soon as DH is home, they're hungry. They don't say my name. One time when DH asked SS9 if he knew my name, he pointed at me, in front of the whole family, and said, "her". I try to be kind and not show my hurts or frustrations, although I'm sure they can tell I'm sad and uncomfortable around them. They are here for the whole summer this year. Honestly, I don't have any love or affection for them, and I can't wait until they go home.

The BM: From what the SS tell us, they have no real direction at home. It sounds like BM just lets them run around wild, spend hours online playing video games (she even told DH that SS11 will stay on until 4am?!), not pick up after themselves, and not learn basic hygiene like hand washing or daily showers. SS11 told my MIL that he sleeps on the floor (!) because he doesn't like his bunk bed. When they visited on winter break, their clothes in the suitcase were mildew-y, they had no coats, no real warm clothes, and their shoes were too small. I think she does this knowing that MIL will buy them stuff. Meanwhile, her new baby with her new man has all sorts of shoes, clothes, and sunglasses. DH wants them to live with us, and I agree that she sounds like a terrible mother, but I just don't know if I can handle it. He wants them to move in when they're teenagers! That would test even the best of marriages.

The husband: He has screamed at me, called me names (bitch, whore, crazy, etc.), broken pictures, smashed a lamp and a chair, slammed his head against the door & punched himself in the head. He accused me of cheating on him (even with coworkers) and would take my phone away to check my internet and text history. Now that I'm not working, he makes me feel guilty and says, "I'M THE ONE who works and makes money for us". He has thrown water in my face, pinned me down on the floor & left a thumb-shaped bruise on my wrist, put his hands around my neck, pushed me down onto the couch and bed, blocked me from leaving, told me he hoped I died on my way to work, said he would kill himself if I left. It happened when he was drunk, but also when he was completely sober. He stopped drinking except for a couple beers several times a month, but the rage and abuse are still there. It doesn't happen every day, or even every week, but I am afraid of my husband. I stupidly thought he would change, which is why I stayed for 3 years. Somehow, in the past few months, any remaining love evaporated. It's just gone. I think I am healthy and strong enough now to leave.

I need advice: I am starting a new job next week. Should I stay and work there for a while until I have enough money saved up to leave? I don't want to leave him while his kids are here, so I have to tough it out until August at least. Even so, my gut and my heart are telling me to just leave now. It all feels so wrong, staying here. I don't really have anywhere to go. I could go to a women's shelter, or my brother's house, but it's gross and dirty and has roaches. DH said he would go to counseling with me, but I think it's too little, too late. When I try to talk to him about how my feelings, like awkward it is to be around his boys, or how he needs to enforce cleaning up after themselves because I don't want to be the bad guy, he gets angry and defensive. He says, "What's wrong with my boys?", "They're good kids and you should feel lucky", or "Blech, why are you always so dark?". He scrunches his face up in a disgusted grimace and tells me to just talk to them and stop being so serious. It all hurts, so very much.

Should I leave now, even though his kids are here? Should I stay until they leave, or stay even longer so I can save up enough for an apartment in a new town? Should we try counseling? Thank you all, so very much.

P.S. I had an abortion in 2012 because of the abuse & now, even though it's not their fault, my skids are my abortion trigger.