DH only cares about his kids - does nothing for my daughter
Ok, I am fed up.
I am the mother of an amazing 8 year old girl. And when I say amazing I mean, completely trouble and drama free. She follows directions, doesn't talk back, is considerate, polite, low maintenance, issue free, is nice to her s-brothers and actually LOOKS for ways to include and be nice to them. Hugs her s-brothers, tells them she loves them, looks forward to seeing them, tries to play with them every chance she gets.
Now the S-kids (boys, 9 & 12). Look at everything stated above and reverse it. That's what they are. They do not care about her. They are jealous of the fact that she never gets in trouble. They get pissed when their grandparents acknowledge her. They are so full of resentment, jealousy and hate it is sick and sad.
Some might accuse me of being biased.. LORD, I wish that was the case. I am not the only one that sees this - friends and family have commented on how great my daughter is to be around and in the same breath gone "wtf is wrong with them"...
I parent all the kids the same. The boys require 75% more energy because they are monsters. I spend so much time on them and I feel it isn't fair to my daughter.
DH parents only his kids and does nothing for mine. I have ran his kids to various sporting activities. I have taken them shopping for school supplies. I have bought them clothes that I thought they would like - just because I thought "wow, this is something SS9 would LOVE" - not because they needed it. I bought them cubbies for their rooms and filled them with bins that had the colors of their favorite sports teams - again, just because. While on vacation I bought them T-shirts - just because.
He has never gone out of his way to just spend time with my daughter. He has never spent a dime on her "just because." It's like he could care less about bonding with her - she is just there.
I am not rich. I work full time and pay my own bills. DH has none because his credit got screwed in his divorce 3 years ago. Everything is split 50/50 right down the middle - even though "the boys" consume more food I still have to pay half the grocery bill. DH will never put out more than he has to unless it is for his boys.
I'm fed up. I know my daughter isn't his responsibility, but he is with me and she is an extension of me. Just as I am with him and his "boys" are an extension of him. We are supposed to be a family.. so why does it still feel like we are two families sharing a house. Why does it feel like I am the parent/mom/wife to everyone in the house, yet he still only takes care of "his boys" needs.. does anyone else see it? Is it because his boys are so rotten he feels like they need more than my daughter and I?
ugggghhhh help.
Have you tried speaking to
Have you tried speaking to him? Maybe poinitng out some legit examples so that he can actually agree with you might help. I've learned that men seem to care less about way more than what women care for. Unfortunate but true. Sometimes they dont even think as much as women do. Therefore, while you are seeing certain things and not agreeing with it whether its their behavior towards you, your girl, or him not spending on her "just because"-little things that matter, men tend not to think of things like that. I would definitely sit with the boys and the DH of course having already spoken to the DH. Maybe he should find out why they are acting that way although its probably more obvious to you then to him.
Oh yes, I have tried talking
Oh yes, I have tried talking to him on more than one occasion and he doesn't see it. He thinks that if he does something nice for her and the boys find out about it they will get jealous. I mean, WTF? We are supposed to be a family. On any given day either parent should be able to say "hey, child A, I want you to come with me to the store or to run errands" - as long as it isn't a consistent favoritism of one particular child. He has never just done something for her just to do it. It's like "she's YOUR responsibility" and the boys are "OUR responsibility" (probably because he knows damn well he can't take care of them on his own)...
The boys have also been talked to about their attitudes towards my daughter. I hear excuses like "she never gets in trouble" or "she wants to play with us, but we wanna play "boy" games..."
Bottom line is they are resentful and angry... and have a spoiled sense of entitlement, no one better get more than me attitude...
you aren't being cruel...
you aren't being cruel... that thought has crossed my mind on more than one occasion
I would disingage and let him
I would disingage and let him see all that you do. When his sons start comeing to him missing the care you give he will realize that is how your daughter feels everyday from him. If he still doesn't see it I would say counciling or goodbye. Your first priority is your daughter and it isn't fair to her to put her in this situation.
I agree you should stop.
I agree you should stop. Your dd is being shortchanged. By your dh, your ss's and you. I'm not trying to be harsh as I've btdt too-my ss was such a behavioral problem I spent the bulk of my time trying to assist him and my kids were wellbehaved and often got the shaft. I stopped doing things for my ss years ago (lots of other reasons too) but just keep in mind-it is not only YOU being hurt by this but your poor sweet dd. I would never want her to grow up thinking she didnt matter.
Wow, thank you everyone for
Wow, thank you everyone for the support and great advice.
Why does it have to be like this? What's wrong with these men? They aren't doing their kids any favors by treating us like this or allowing their kids to behave in this manner. It's doing more harm than good.
I did do this and it did
I did do this and it did force my dh to be more involved. I dont think he'd ever done ss's laundry in his life until about a year and a half ago. He still doesnt unless someone asks but its not that he refuses it just never occurs to him to parent his son!! Sometimes I wonder if men are even wired correctly to "parent". Perhaps they are wired to provide for their family while their female partner deals with the child rearing. My dh knows that kids need food so if he's home with them he will cook, maybe fix some things around the house, have them help him clean out the garage, watch tv with them, play video games, etc-but truthfully that's where it seems to stop. He doesnt really spend time talking about their feelings, talking to them about morals or values, or even asking about their day. He is at an amusement park with them right now. Which I think is great that they are having fun-but having fun and maybe doing some chores are the two things that he seems to have in his parenting toolbox.
Perhaps your dh's parenting toolbox is looking mighty slim as well. He sees you as the primary parent in the household. He thinks you are good at it so perhaps he sees no reason to help out with your daughter or even bond with her-I've found some men dont even grasp this whole idea of "bonding". You've got that covered. He perhaps DOES feel some responsibility to "parent" his own kids-which may translate into having fun with them and spoiling them and so he does this with them but still expects you to take care of all the "womanly" tasks of the house, because, gee, thats what we women do.