Need an outsiders perspective.. PLEASE
Ok.. a little background..
Married 3 years.. ss's 11 & 13.. (loads of conflict and issues.. they are horrible)
DH is the typical protective, enabling, guilty disney dad that thinks his kids are great..
Anyways.. ss11 is a sneaky, lying, ugh.. just a manipulative son of a b#tch.. I try to love him, work with him, and make him comfortable even though he is horrible.
He is constantly snooping and reporting things from one parent to the next to cause drama and turmoil. He goes thru his moms phone, listens to conversations thru doors, etc.. you get the picture.
Sooo.. yesterday afternoon my phone is on the table and it rings while I am in the other room.. it's a guy from my work calling me back about a problem.. SS11 informs me that my phone rang and "Jason called".. I'm thinking to myself "great, he's gonna report this to his dad just to try to cause a fight." So, I call Jason back right in front of him and talk about business, some work related issues (it's a sensitive topic - HR related) and get off the phone when my friend beeps in to talk about child related logistics and just life in general... so I click over and go sit on the stairs in the other room to talk to her.. it's still within earshot of the kids btw. We chat about things and I also talk to her about the issues at work..
Ok.. fast forward to later that night.. DH drives SS11 home from football.. when he gets home and SS11 is in the shower I get "who's Jason?".. I see red. I know he is only asking because the little snitch tried to say some guy called me and he knows his dad is the jealous type. Did I mention that SS11 loves to see his dad and I fight because he hates my guts? So, I ask (probably in a crappier tone than I needed to).. "An IT guy from work.. why did your little informant report that to you?"
He gets defensive and then tries to backpeddle and say that "SS11 overheard my conversation and I sounded upset and that he was concerned about it..." I'm thinking to myself "bullshit.. the kid did not know that I called Jason back.. he only knew I called someone and was discussing work" and if the kid was concerned about me, then why didn't he just say he overheard me talking about work and I was upset.. why did he have to say the guys name I was talking to...?? Would he have name dropped if a girl called me? The answer is NO.. the little shit was trying to start a fight by saying some guy named Jason called me and I was on the phone with him..
So I try to turn it around and ask DH "Why didn't he just ask me about it?".. DH replies that "he is not comfortable talking to you..?" Really... about things that pertain to me that he overheard?? WTF?? He sure is comfortable asking me for shit and to do him favors, and snooping on who is calling me and listening in on my conversations.. I reply, "well maybe this would be a GREAT opportunity to have a talk with him about that.. because if he was so CONCERNED about me, then he should have came to me.." Nope.. daddykins is all protective and is standing firm on "his son wasn't trying to cause drama".. Needless to say.. we faught hard on this one. I refuse to have some bratty 11 year old monitoring me and reporting his "findings and observations" back to his dad to try to start drama..
I see it differently... am I wrong? I mean.. the kid has a history of this shit..
You're right he's trying to
You're right he's trying to cause an issue. My SD does it all the time. Anytime I correct her or her brother for that matter, she has to cry to DH and BM that I'm mean. I'm not mean I'm just not Fun Time Daddy and Let's Talk About Your Feelings Mommy.
My skids are both victims of guilty divorced parents and they play it for all it's worth. I'm the one who does the hard stuff, budgeting, discipline, manners, grades, etc.
Also your DH should have said
Also your DH should have said you shouldn't be listening to adult conversations it's not good manners. That would give him the idea to not do it again.
^^^ THIS your DH is making
^^^ THIS your DH is making it worse because he handing adult level power to the kid every time he listens to him about this stuff and buys into the BS.
Exactly.. he shouldn't have
Exactly.. he shouldn't have been listening and the only reason he did it was because a MALE called me and he knew his dad would have an issue.. so he waited for me to make another call and he assumed it was Jason (and he was right) and listened..
my daughter was home at the time and so was SS13.. the only one that paid attention was SS11 and that was to get info so he could report it to dad..
How do I get DH to see how effed up this is.. how if he's doing it to me, then he's doing it to his dad and to his mom.. which, well, he has..
I don't want to play games with this kid because that's just stooping down to his level and really it's exhausting and will get me nowhere.
I'm really pissed off at him
I'm really pissed off at him and DH.. it's bullshit and I really don't want it to happen again. But how do I pro actively correct it?
I tried the "let's make this a learning experience" tactic.. by saying "ya know, maybe you should tell SS11 that he doesn't need to worry about talking to me about things he hears and is concerned about." nope.. DH says "we shouldn't make a big deal about it"
He won't address it with him because DH knows deep down inside what his kid was doing.. Part of me thinks he encourages it, actually..
I'm disappointed and really upset about the lack of respect this shows for me as an adult and my right to privacy in this house.. I don't really mind the kids looking at my phone when it rings.. I have nothing to hide.. but the listening to my convo's and reporting who called and the topic of conversation to his dad is absurd and unacceptable.
Both of my SDs do this, it
Both of my SDs do this, it drives me crazy!!! I tell them over and over again, you don't touch adults phones, they are private. Even their Dad says it to them and they just don't listen.
If your DH does not wake up
If your DH does not wake up soon, his boys are going to be a complete and utter mess when they get older. Social and work relationships-they will be clueless.
My DH's kids (19,20,23) are very good at manipulating and playing little games like this; they were taught well by BM. They are so bad, they cannot come to my home. I know that if I had not met DH when they were older, it would have never worked out for us. They would have made my life hell.
It ONLY GETS WORSE, though. Even as young adults, my DH's kids are still trying to cause problems and guilt him.
I feel bad for you. Everything you do, scrutinized and reported back to Daddy.
"Daddy" better wake up-what a bad example he is setting for his kids by allowing them to think this is ok.
I understand SS11 is a little
I understand SS11 is a little snoop, but really, if DH gets so jealous that you can not have phone conversations with the opposite sex about work related matters, the problem is with him and not SS11.
Tell your DH your going to
Tell your DH your going to get SS11 a little flouncy skirt, since he's such a gossip girl. That's what I would say- if you insult a man's son's masculinity sometimes that wakes them up. And a matching headband. }:)
Mind you I'm not a homophobe-
Mind you I'm not a homophobe- I have a gay brother. Buttt- my gay brother never acted like a snoopy little girl!!
Maybe the kid is gay - girls
Maybe the kid is gay - girls seem to love drama like that whereas boys could care less and find adult conversations boring and "stupid". The problem is doubly Daddies both in hi insecurities over you and allowing the kid to be a tattler.
Lets set him up. With a girlfriends help allow him to overhear a conversation about you running off with Britney to Alaska where you two are going to live off the land hunting bears and raindeer. Something so outrageous he'll sound like an idiot when he reports in.
I like the set up tactic too.
I like the set up tactic too. Do it as many times as you need to, like weekly until they both get that your conversations are your business.
It also bothers me that you said you know the kid does this just so you and your husband will fight. And you did fight. It sounds like he's very successful with it. You've got to not fight about this or the little priss will be encouraged to do it more and more.
I believe he's deliberately
I believe he's deliberately causing issues. Kids, especially when they don't like the step parent, will do just about anything to split them up sometimes. It's unfair of your husband to immediately take whatever his son says to use against you. I wish I could give you advice, but unfortunately, I have nothing of use except, that smart ass thing would've been pretty funny!!