What should I do???
Forums:
Last night bio's and skids with with a group of friends. BS's GF was part of the group. SS decides to try and embarrass BS by telling GF "BS plays with himself". I know DH is not going to do anything about this (I know that's another issue I have to deal with), but I can not let this trouble-maker get away with this just because DH will not do anything about it. What should I do???
Unless there's more to the
Unless there's more to the story (SS bullies DS, SS is physically abusive towards DS in the past, etc.) then really it is normal behavior I think.
It's ok, DS probably does play with himself.
haha, kidding kidding
It's an ongoing thing...6yrs
It's an ongoing thing...6yrs running...SS11 has always tried to embarrass or cause BS12 to get in trouble. BS12 would love to retaliate, but then there is hell to pay with DH, because of course he is going to believe the half truth SS11 is going to run and tell him, if/when BS12 "stands up for himself".
BS12 probably does play with himself, Lol I'm ok with that, it's the fact that SS11 was warned before going with them if there was an issue he would get in trouble...because I saw it coming...but I had hoped the warning would be enough to keep it from happening this time. It didn't and I feel like I should stand by my warning, even if DH won't.
Your BS is old enough to
Your BS is old enough to stick up for himself... However, I would tell BS to tell SS that it is highly inappropriate to make such comments, and from now on I would not hang out with SS when there are other people around.
I had this exact same problem with my younger sister, who, when my friends were around, she would make fun of me as an attempt to fit in. I just removed her from hanging out with us from then on until she " got it."
BS12 & SS11...There is a
BS12 & SS11...There is a history of things like this...it is constant. IF BS does trie to retaliate I can see it now...SS11 will run to DH and tell have the story, DH will automatically believe SS11, fuss & yell at BS12 (who already has resentment towards SS11 & DH), and then DH & I argue bc he again believed SS11 without knowing all the facts and reacted incorrectly.
Tell SS that he is not
Tell SS that he is not allowed to go with BS and his friends anymore if he cant handle himself appropriatley. The end.
Yea..how old are the kids?
Yea..how old are the kids? Either way, I would say that BS needs to stop hanging out with SS.
PS..I really, really dislike people who have to cut down other people in public. I feel sorry for your son. I am sure he was very embarrassed. The skid is pathetic.
All the kids were with my
All the kids were with my sister, BS's GF lives down the street...they were just all hanging out and playing together. My sister did tell SS11 he was not allowed to come back to her house with out me & DH.
Well since there is more to
Well since there is more to the story, then here's what I've done with my SD12 dry humps my DD11 and my DD11 tells me about it later (because really that's what SS is doing to your DS - trying to dominate him, bully him, and look powerful over DS when really SS is acting like an idiot). This is how I handle it, but for clarity sake, use pronouns "you" and "yours."
Advise DH you're going to call both DS and SS into a neutral area. You'd like DH to be there, and tell him what you plan to say. Invite any other kids in the family too, as this is a learning experience for *everyone* and skid gets outed for his bully behavior. The other kids are spectators only and not allowed to interject anything. Both sons will be asked to tell their side of the story. You will hear them out and they will not be interrupted by anyone. Then you will say your peace (that you've practiced and rehearsed beforehand. No over explaining. No getting mad) Just that you expect it to stop, use the word "stop," and ABC will be the consequence if it occurs again. You will have the final word. No arguing will be entertained. And then everyone is excused.
Rinse. Lather. Repeat. With increased consequences if necessary.
Thanks Tabby. You have very
Thanks Tabby. You have very good advice. You seem to have a grip on this SP'ing thing...hope I get there soon. Steptalk is definitly helping me learn new ways to deal with SS11!
(No subject)
You've gotten some good
You've gotten some good advice, but it also sounds to me like your DH is part of the problem. He enables SS's behavior since BS is usually the one to get in trouble when the 2 of them have an issue. Correct me if I'm wrong about this, but it sounds like you guys do not have an equal balance of power - DH is allowed to discipline your son, but you're not allowed to discipline his? (Maybe I'm misreading you though?) If that's how it is, that HAS to change since that power imbalance will contribute to SS bullying BS. Either both of you have the power to hand out consequences to either child, or neither of you can discipline the other's kid.
Kinda that way but not...I am
Kinda that way but not...I am disengaged from SS11 - unless I or my bio's are directly effected. I have the power to discipline SS11 with regards to DH, it's psycho BM that somewhat holds me back. Though I would never physically abuse any child, that would not stop her from calling CPS and accusing me of such if she found out I physically disciplined him. Now, as for DH & BS, DH's form of discipling my bio's is to fuss at them (maybe yell a little) but that's about it. I was raised in a home where my sister and I were spanked for acting out. I used (and sometimes still do) spanking for my bio's when necessary. My main goal with this post is to try to find alternative ways to handle SS11. As I stated I would never physically abuse a child, but with the allegations BM would through around, CPS would have to investigate and I will not put my Bio's through something like that.
Yeah, no. I would never EVER
Yeah, no. I would never EVER advocate spanking a stepchild - as you said, the legal ramifications don't bear thinking of. But there are other ways to discipline. Loss of TV time (or computer or games or whatever), sent to their room, extra chores, early bedtime, missing a social function - find something that works and use that. Unfortunately you can ONLY do those things if your DH has your back. If he's going to overrule you, it will not work. Would your DH be willing to help you enforce it if you said, "Unkind behavior from anyone in this house results in a half an hour earlier bed time"? (Or whatever consequence you think is appropriate.)
Yes, DH would support me.
Yes, DH would support me. Unfortunately we have already tried everything you listed above. I am going to try Tabby's suggestion (with a twist of the "allow BS to embarrass SS) tonight. I will sit down with DH first, behind closed doors, then pull BS & SS in together with us to let them know...In the future BS is allow to embarass SS in return without any consequences.