DH wants to put out my 18-year-old son
DH and I are expecting a baby this year. We just found out it's a girl. He has a 3-year-old daughter and I have two teens (one who just graduated high school 2 months ago). My son will be starting college in January (but will not be living on campus) and he's looking for a job. The problem is my DH thinks he should get out on his own and wants to give his room to the new baby. I totally disagree with putting my son out of the house simply because he's 18. He's not a trouble-maker at all. He's respectful and never gives DH any problems. He just needs a little time to get himself together before moving out on his own. DH acts like he doesn't care my son has no where to go and doesn't care if he goes from house to house. This angers me greatly. DH has joint customer of SD and we have her every other week. I suggested having SD and the new baby share a room. DH responded like it was the biggest insult ever to his daughter. He would rather my teens give up their rooms then his daughter share a room with his new daughter. He even had the nerves to suggest my teens (my other child is a 16-year-old girl) share a room so that SD won't have to share a room with the baby. I think he's being very selfish and inconsiderate of my children. I feel like DH always responds like this. All decisions are wrapped around his own daughter. I can't understand why he has a problem with his two young daughters sharing a room. They will only be 3 years apart and it's not like it will be a long-term situation. I know my kids can't wait to be able to get out on their own. But I'm not going to put them on the streets ever! I feel like DH already tries to overcompensate his SD simply because she is not with us full time. I told him if he continues to do this, we are going to have problems because I'm not going to put up with it. Frustrated.
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We have 4 rooms and will have
We have 4 rooms and will have 4 kids. I would never put a 16-year-old girl with a 3-year-old. Too big of an age difference. They don't have the same interests or schedules. My daugher has friends over often and stays up late on weekends. She also needs a quiet place for homework and things. I think that would be a disaster.
His daughter is 3-years-old
His daughter is 3-years-old and comes to stay with us every other week for the full week. It wouldn't work to have her with my 16-year-old. That truly would be an insult to a teen girl. Besides that, we keep SD on a schedule - i.e. bedtime at 9pm, etc. My DH would never go for having his DD share a room with my 16-year-old. If he hates the idea of his DD sharing a room with his new baby, he certainly won't like the idea of having her share with my 16-year-old. He wants his daughter to have her own room even if it means the other kids don't have a room.
The 3-year-old goes to
The 3-year-old goes to daycare during the day so that part wouldn't be an issue. I also suggested having the new baby in our room until she sleeps through the night. He's against that idea too. He won't budge about his bio girls having their own rooom but I'm not going to put my current kids out of the house. I raised my other kids by myself, so we are very close. He knew this coming in. I would never make them homeless. At this point, I have told my DH I will put him out of the house before I put any of the kids out.
Sorry, I didn't read the
Sorry, I didn't read the above post. If you have told you DH that you will put him out of the house before you put the kids out, I certainly hope you are prepared for him to leave. Don't threaten what you won't carry out.
I do not threaten. I am
I do not threaten. I am quite prepared to do that if necessary and he knows it. I already raised 2 good kids by myself and I'm certainly not afraid nor intimidated to do it again if I have to.
Hi there, Sorry if this
Hi there,
Sorry if this sounds a little off beat, but could you perhaps be being a little defensive because this is YOUR son. I think if the boot was on the other foot, it may be a different scenario. If you have four rooms, why can't the baby sleep in your room???? And then make alternative arrangements when the baby is say, 1 year old and oldest son is moved out of home? Just a suggestion, but think of it from his perspective. I am a stepmom to two teenagers, and there is no way in hell that my husbands' kids would have their own bedroom and a child that we had together didn't!! Need to treat everyone equally from the start or things get messy down the line. Even if there are no other children involved!
Actually, no I wouldn't think
Actually, no I wouldn't think differently if it was his teenager living with us. I would not put out his teens in this situation either. I already treat his other daughter like my own and I'm the one that's going to have the longer commitment than he has with my children who are almost out the house. My teens are just a couple of years from being out of the house. I will be helping to raise his daughter for a long time (way more than 2 years). To your other point, I did suggest the baby sleep in our room until my son is able to move out. It's my husband (not me) who is againt that idea too. From my perspective, it has anything to do with whether or not the child is ours together. She won't have any special treatment just because we both our her bio parents. All kids brought into this marriage should be treated equally. Considering this, why in heck is it unreasonable to have his two little girls share a room. My SD actually likes the idea. They have plenty of time to have their own rooms later. The other kids will be out of the house and these two little girls will be growing up together.
Your husband is being
Your husband is being unreasonable. you only have his 3 year old on a part time basis and it totally makes sense that the new baby and the 3 year old share a room. WTF? You can't expect a 16 year old to bunk with a baby. You can tell him that he has a choice, that it is either the 3 year old's room or you will put the baby in the room you share with your husband.
As for the 18 year old your husband has to get over that shit. Kids do not become adults because they have an 18th birthday. That is just absurd. ALL kids in blended families should be given equal weight and it really ticks me off when I read stories where the step parent just wants to be done with the kids they essentially adopted when they married a person with children.
Well, I see where your DH is
Well, I see where your DH is coming from, and I see your POV as well.
At my house, the kids are allowed to stay as long as they follow the house rules and either pay rent after 18 or are enrolled in school full time. If the young man isn't a problem there I don't see why he can't stay.
Also, my infant (well, she's now 16 months) shares a room with SD4, who is here about 75% of the time. It's not insulting. They love it! What about sharing is insulting? I don't get it.
I would have let my Youngest
I would have let my Youngest Step son stay if he would have behaved, been respectful and went to school or done something other than party and play video games. So I don't think people think kids need to be out at 18 it all depends on the kid, I'm not one for supporting adults who do not want to try to succeed. As far as sleeping arrangements. Put the baby with the 3 year old, evenutally your son will move on and the SD and the new baby will eventually have their own room, sharing a room at this young of an age can be a bonding experience.
This is what I'm worried
This is what I'm worried about with my son, who's 18 but still in high school. My adult stepkids have been bashing him for not having a job (he's looked & can't find anything) but DH is paying for his car & car insurance. My son's a good kid, but not the best student (ADHD) so post high school... I'm not sure what's going to happen. DH keeps mentioning the military. That's not an option.
I don't think it's unreasonable for kids to stay at home well past 18. In this economy, jobs are hard to come by. You can't just throw your kid out on the street if he's 18 or 28 if he can't support himself. A lot of kids are staying at home well into adulthood, and an 18 year old needs their own room far more than a baby or a 3 year old does.
I agree the baby should be in
I agree the baby should be in the room with SD they will love it! You dh needs some sense knocked into him. There is no reason for sd not to share her room none. Your dh is the only one that has a problem with it. And as far as the 18yr old no reason he can't stay as long as he is following the rules for him to be able to stay. In our home our kids are allowed to stay as long as they are in school full time or part time with a part time job. If not they have to look for a place of their own. BUT they HAVE to be in school to stay period.
I wish there was something I could say that you can in turn tell your dh that would solve the whole thing but it is not there. Sorry. Perhaps you could have sd start talking about how excited she is that the baby will share her room and have her start moving things to make room for the baby. Make sure that she does this in front of dh and with no help from you. That might change is mind if he thinks she really wants it so how can he say no to his little darling??? }:)
I just had a thought. Could
I just had a thought. Could he be resentful because the original poster's children are occupying all the other bedrooms in the house? Could the 3 year old's mother be giving him grief about it? Just trying to look at it from another angle and understand where he is coming from.
Regardless it makes the most sense for new baby and 3 yr old to share a room.
I think in the beginning he
I think in the beginning he may have been somewhat resentful but he's getting over it quick. He would have lost the house if we didn't move in when we did. We both work full time and make about the same salary. I pay half the mortgage and half of all the bills (including his daughter's daycare and her other expenses). When we got married, he had a boat load of debt from when his first wife left him, and I have been helping him with that too. Let's just say his baggage has been much heavier than mine. Considering this, I don't think he should be complaining at all about the room arrangements.
He did come to his senses over the weekend though and has since changed his tune about the new baby sharing with SD3. He's okay with it now. However, there is now new drama. We talked about turning the second largest bedroom in the house (currently occupied by my DD16) into the nursery/SD3's room since the crip and bed and toys and changing table, etc. will take up a lot of space. Well when my DD16 heard that, of course she's against the idea. Her room has its own bathroom. The room we proposed moving DD16 into is smaller and does not have its own bathroom. So now she's acting like a brat. I have told them all that the baby and I will move into the Hilton then until they can get it together!
DD16 will get over it.
DD16 will get over it. Personally, I'd take the largest bedroom with the bathroom for myself and DH. BUT if you want it to go for the two youngest, then DD will have to go along. When she starts paying a mortgage she'll get to make those decisions.
this does not sound like an
this does not sound like an issue with the new baby. This is an issue with your son. Your DH has it in his mind that at 18 he wanted your son gone no matter what the circumstances.
Sounds like you two need to talk about this more.
There is no reason why SD and new baby can't share a room. If the 18 year old is being responsible in college and working towards a goal of a career, he is respecting all in the home and pulling his weight, then I see no reason why he should be put out.
I lived with my mom until I graduated college at 22.
I believe you are so right.
I believe you are so right. When I talked to my DH more about this, he told me how his dad treated him like that. He even slept in his car for a while and his dad would not help him even though he had a 6-figure job! I explained to him that this is not how I want to treat our children though. I want my children to remain close to us even when they are out on their own. In constrast, my DH rarely speaks to his parents and seems them even less.
My DH thinks a boy becomes a man just because he turns 18. I don't have that belief. I lived with my parents until I was 21 and was financially able to take care of myself. They never once even thought about putting me out nor turning me away when I came for dinner even after moving out. I am now very close to my parents. I made it just fine too. I went on and got my Master's Degree. Everybody develops at different stages. Age only is not an indicator of when someone is ready to handle something by himself.