First disengaged Christmas...
I survived! Initially, was going to encourage husband to send gifts to baby step grands. Because it isn't their fault (etc) and honestly, I shop early and had the gifts in the closet since Christmas clearance after Christmas last year, when things were "good" between myself and the step "children" which translates in the real world to I kept my mouth shut, walked on eggshells, and did nothing to rock the boat in their small worlds. Anyway. Haven't spoken to any of them since February and as the months went on, the pain honestly lessened and the more indifferent I became. Initially, when I made the decision to pull plug on any effort with them, the thought of Christmas made me so sad. I couldn't imagine not acknowledging them. But honestly, my though pattern has changed. It's just as much their responsibility as it is mine, or their dad. And come December, I didn't even ask him if he was putting a box together to send step grands or step daughters. And being a very typical man, he didn't. And, he didn't even text them on Christmas Day. Mean? Maybe not. Insensitive? Probably. But that is his thing, not mine. I didn't even mention them. I wasn't worried if they weren't pleased with their gift. If they would acknowledge my efforts. It was very peaceful for me. Tonight, she texted her dad angry and deeply hurt he didn't call or text her to even wish her a merry Christmas. He had dropped his phone on Christmas Eve, replaced it with a buddies old phone for the day so he had no contact phone numbers...she could have called him I guess? I know I called my dad. And we called his mom and dad. We didn't sit there pissed waiting for them to call us.
Anyway, my point is, is last year I would have been whipped into frenzy about them snubbing gifts, being rude, etc. this year, eh. It just isn't my problem. And that, my friends, is progress.
I like what I just read
I like what I just read because your six months more into the disengagement then I am. We are disengaged from SD19 (and she is pregnant, not why we disengaged though). We have been disengaged since August. I am hoping as time goes by I will keep improving. I notice I have been improving. This was the first Christmas and we missed her birthday. So reading this made me feel hopeful that one day I wont care at all. The whole baby thing is the big thing that made me hurt though as I too feel its not the baby's fault. I just now realize that it isn't my problem, its hers. This girl went from being what I considered a daughter to being just a step kid with a step grandbaby. There is a BIG difference. To me that is improvement that I have come to that point. DH is that typical man too, he just doesn't let it get to him anymore. Although he disengaged himself long before I did.
^^^ I recall we have similar
^^^ I recall we have similar stories. Minus the drugs. So yes. It's an adjustment for really and truly loving them as your children and considering them part of your inner circle of family to absolutely nothing. But I imagine how this is how the steps felt for years...I'm just acknowlging my role of nothingness now.
Me too...I am nothing and its
Me too...I am nothing and its ok. I am something to my bio little girls and that is all that matters to me. I let DH handle his older kids now, SD19 he doesn't speak to and if SD22 needs anything big, I send her now to her Dad. I had to or I was going to go insane. I get along with SD22 but I am Leary with her due to her still being in contact with SD19 and they are true sisters so just kind of keep my distance and only talk when needed now. Its kind of funny in a way for me though, in the end I will come out on top more, not that that matters but it does help. See I was the one who kept the family together. I always made sure his daughters were picked up on time, ran them to their appointments school functions and what not. I did it all. Now I don't. I don't see them ever being so close to us anymore. I mean SD22 stays close to us but I am sure SD19 after her text messages to me recently sees now that I have been changed and its a forever kind of change. I am no longer that door mat for her and I think she realizes it. I also learned I don't have to be in a fighting stage for this, sometimes silence is the BEST answer. It makes them wonder.
Lately I have had more fun with my own kids then ever. At first I let the negatives bother me so much that I wouldn't be a very fun mom. I had that "Its not fair stuff going on in my head" I was more angry because they had a fun step mom who did all the mom stuff (BM sure loved that she didn't have to do her job as a mom because she had me to do it for her and I happily did) but my kids for the last 4 years have had a mom who's health was taking a tole on me, my moods were horrible. They didn't have the fun mom. I put a stop to that and decided to take control of my life back and am doing all possible things to make my kids have a fun childhood. I have found in this short time, I am a darn good mom, because lately, my kids tell me I am. That is all I want for them is to have a happy childhood. Also when SD19 is brought up, our little kids are not in around when we discuss her. We are keeping them from the negativity as much as possible because 4 years of their precious lives was enough for them to go through negativity.
Some people think I am wrong because there is a baby involved. Well all I have to say about that is that, I have 2 babies right now that God gave me, they are mine, they are more important to me and there is nothing wrong with me caring more about them then a step grandbaby.
I am sorry you had to go through similar things then I did, I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy. All I can say though is my SD19 had all my love, she threw it all away, I didn't.
"Tonight, she texted her dad
"Tonight, she texted her dad angry and deeply hurt he didn't call or text her to even wish her a merry Christmas." It goes both ways. SD is living by a double standard, which seems to be standard for skids.
I've been disengaged from SD(banned from my home) for 3 years, it only gets better as time goes on. You will enjoy this feeling of emotional freedom so much that next Christmas SD may not even cross your mind. Now I have absolutely no desire to have SD in my life. DH can visit her whenever he wants (except the day of a major holiday). I have no idea if he sent SD a Christmas gift, and won't ask. He didn't receive anything from her, not even a card or phone call.
I have told my DH many times
I have told my DH many times he is ok to have a relationship with SD19 (he is still mad at her so he gives me a sour face when I say this lol) but I know its his daughter so someday he might want her back in, I do not, so I let him know he can have a relationship with her but it will be out of our home. If she does change and wants to see her sisters then her sisters (My bios) will need to be accompanied by their father (who I trust completely even if he did rekindle his relationship with SD19) He would NEVER let anything hurt them ever again. He really feels guilt because of how they were affected negatively for so long and what it did to my health and my well being.
Sandye21 how long have you
Sandye21 how long have you been married? Have you seen this disengagement take a toll on your marriage? Are there grandkids involved? I ask all this because I'm into my first year, 2nd Christmas of DE and I'm wondering if this is going to take a toll on my marriage long term. DH is spending an increasing amount of time with SKs, mainly because of his grandson who he is naturally crazy about. At times, I feel left out, even though it's my choice to not associate with them and their crazy train. Most of the time I feel relieved I'm not involved but the left out feeling is hard to deal with when it strikes. I'm hoping that feeling goes away with time. I'm interested in your experience.
I've been married for almost
I've been married for almost 24 years. When I disengaged three years ago I didn't care whether it took a toll on the marriage. We came very close to divorce. But, after 3 years, it actually wound up being the best thing we could have done. Luckily I DH doesn't have any grandkids. Entering Grandkids into the equation would have made things a lot harder, although I fully empathize with you.
When I disengaged I had to relinquish a certain amount of 'control'. I had to make a choice that I might not at first be comfortable with such as allowing DH the feedom to have a separate relationship with the skids and gskids. Replacing the 'left out' feeling with special time for individual interests, friends or your relatives helps but there must be a balance between the time that DH spends with skids and the time he spends with you. Hope you can get DH's cooperation for this. Good luck and (((HUGS)))
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Disengaging this Christmas I
Disengaging this Christmas I think helped me and my dh immensely although we both DID get upset with each other a couple times. Last year at Thanksgiving, dh lost his temper and said things about my children (in defense of me)and they overheard. This caused a real rift between my DD26 who lives here in town and refuses to come to our house although because her sisters were home, she did come over for a few minutes. My other 3 DDs were fine with dh and he with them, but he kept his distance which is probably a good thing. Dh DOES have quite the temper, so when he blew, it was loud. He tried apologizing to my DD28 who overheard, but they never connected. I communicated with her after that regarding why and how it happened and everything seemed fine this Christmas. Dh's sons (all drug users), I have disengaged with since SS30 went to rehab in Jan., 2012 and SS21 went again in Sept. He had lived with us and not worked in 3 years, plus got a DUI, lost his license, totaled the car dh gave him, etc...So...dh enabled him and our marriage almost didn't survive. Since SS21 left, dh has almost left me BECAUSE I'm not being compassionate and supportive of SS21 who DID finish rehab and is now living in a safehouse and looking for a job. He even said one night in anger that it was MY fault he couldn't bring SS21 back home to live and help because I told dh if he allowed that, I'd leave. I also think deep down dh knows it wouldn't work anyway. It's been a pattern which has repeated itself 4 times in the last 3 years. Dh's DS31 is mentally ill and a drug addict and he sees SS21 going in the same direction. It's sad really, but I have had enough. Dh hates that I've disengaged and won't talk to or go see his son.
thank you for sharing.
thank you for sharing. disengagement is wonderful. you can look back and just how much heartache you have avoided.