Telling her that those are not your children is "letting the cat out of the bag"? What kind of fantasy land was she trying to promote?

Why would anyone in their right mind not comprehend that a non-parent is not going to be able to come in and be a "replacement" parent because the bio parents are no longer together. Yes it does happen sometimes but it's the exception not the rule.

I do not have children but there are many, many children that I have mentored over the years. Because I was a career woman in the 60s when most women were not into careers, my friends always strongly encouraged their daughters especially to maintain strong bonds with me. These girls are now young married career women who are just lovely human beings - I enjoyed my times with them - but I was never their mother. I am so happy for their successes but I claim no credit. Their parents were their parents. I never was a parent. A caring person who spent time with them and took them on vacations and overnights but that's all. I cared about them but never had the "parental" bond.

Your wife should be ashamed of herself. Telling her children that was an attempt to hurt you. Well she obviously succeeded, but her kids are the collateral damage of that bit of spite. Selfish, selfish woman.

You for some reason don't want to divorce a woman that is this cruel to her own kids. That being the case I suggest you man up here, take control and tell her exactly what she has done to her own kids and ask her if she can be that cruel to them, how can she expect you to love them above all else when even she clearly doesn't. What she did was wicked, nasty an spiteful.

It's not so much the calling him dad thing, with the way he felt I agree he shouldn't have allowed that in the first place. But the mother telling the kids not to have anything to do with him is appalling. She has a child with this man. These kids have been raised as siblings, now she rips that apart and tells her kids to have nothing to do with this man, her husband, the father of one of her children. How does she expect this family will work now. 2 have been banned from calling him dad, while one still can. Two have been told to have nothing to do with him, while one still can. She will set her two against her child with this man. She has made a complete mess of the way she has handled this. She has involved three children in something that she and her husband needed to resolve between them, and her two will be hurt the most.

Husband and I have been married 21 years so I can see myself in the post you made and I hope a voice of experience can help you both. I don't know the reason her children started calling you dad and my question would be how long they have been doing so? It is very hard to have your children call someone "dad" and then take that away from the child, it shows bitterness on her part and she should not be using her kids in this fashion.

My daughters also called their step dad "dad" as their bio dad was absent and even when he did return in their lives he was not consistent. It has never been a bad thing and it was never been used against anyone or taken away from my husband.

I too, like your wife, wanted all the kids to be treated fairly and all to be treated like they were our own. I was raising husband's two sons which he had custody of and my daughters from a previous marriage also lived with us. I tried real real hard and I have no doubt my husband did too but realistically as much as we want to combine the families and treat the kids the way we would our bios that is not always easy.

We can forgive things in our children that are not so easy to forgive with our steps, I think it is biologically in us to be made this way.

I thought I had been successful for many years, the boys called me mom and I protected and cared for them like they were mine, I always introduced them as my sons but there was a HUGE divide in the family several years back that severed that thinking for good. It took me a bit to realistically look at the past and see the present and I realized then I did not have the love for my stepsons like I had for my bio daughters.

Until she experiences it though, I think it will be hard for her to understand fully. Don't let this break up your marriage. Try to communicate and try to understand where she is coming from. Perhaps the two of you can come to some sort of agreement.

IF YOUR WIFE WANTS TO DIVORCE YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE REALIZED THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SKID LOVE AND TRUE BIO-CHILD LOVE THAN... HER LOSS.... JUST REMEMBER THAT IF IT DOES GET TO THAT AND EVENTUALLY YOU WOULD MOVE ON.... DO NOT DO THE SAME TO SOMEONE ELSE - ALL YOU CAN EXPECT FROM SOMEONE WHO IS NOT THE BIO-PARENT OF A CHILD IS THAT THEY BE RESPECTFUL.... IF IT DEVELOPS INTO A FRIENDSHIP GREAT.... AFTER A DIVORCE THE RESPONSIBILITY TO INTRODUCE SOMEONE OF VALUE TO YOUR BIO-KIDS IS ESSENTIAL YOURS BUT THIS DOES NOT MAKE THEM - LIKE IN YOUR CASE THEIR DAD - AND THEM CALLING YOU DAD SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN ALLOWED. CHILDREN ARE OK WITH HAVING OTHER PEOPLE IN THEIR LIVES THAT ARE NOT THEIR PARENTS BUT CAN BE CARING AND A GOOD INFLUENCE - I JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE EMPHASIS OF FORCING KIDS THAT ARE NOT SOMEONES - ONTO THEM - I THINK THAT'S WEIRD. I AM SURE YOU WOULD NOT DO THAT TO YOUR BIO-D...... SHE HAS YOU WHICH IS MORE THAN ENOUGH (MANY OF US HAVE BEEN RAISED BY ONE PARENT) BUT SHE ALSO HAS HER MOTHER THEREFORE, IF YOU EVER MET SOMEONE NEW - THEY WOULD ONLY NEED TO BE KIND AND CARING - THE RESPONSIBILITY AND PARENTING WOULD CONTINUE TO BE HANDLED BY YOU AND MOM - SO IF YOUR WIFE CANNOT REALIZE THIS ON HER OWN AND YOUR SKIDS BIO-DAD IS AROUND THEN EXPLAIN IT TO HER...... GOOD LUCK.... I AM ON THE SAME BOAT, THOUGH I HAVE NOT ALLOWED SKID TO CALL ME MOM - SKID HAS A MOM AND I KNOW I WOULD NEVER WANT MY OWN BIO-BOYS TO CALL ANYONE ANYONE ELSE MOM.

ARE YOU KIDDING - I AM NOT SHOUTING I AM TYPING IN BIG LETTERS IS ALL PLEASE DONT GET OFFENDED.

I WRITE LIKE THIS AS WELL HABIT.

What your wife did could've done permanent damage to the children. You cannot be forced to love a child if you do not, whether biological or step. Unfortunately, the other shoe states that you married the whole package, including the kids. I don't love my step-son, in fact, I spit whenever I hear that pedophile's name.

It sounds to me like your wife is not the person who you married and you need to do what you can to protect your daughter from any repercussions from the skids because of the lack of tact your wife has. In the end, you must protect yourself and your daughter-it sounds like to me that your wife isn't going to be your wife much longer...

What you BOTH did caused damage. saying "they arent my kids" is kind of like saying I only accept you in my opinion. When I met DH i took on his 4y/o daughter as though she were my own. I planned parties, i took her to the dr, I made sure she had clothes etc. All the things a mom does, I did for both girls. I wanted to adopt her as bio was in and out of her life. But SD got to an age where she said I have a mom and your not it. So i respected that but still continued to do what I normally did for her. Do you have lunch, oh you forgot a project let me run it to the school. If you have secret feelings of preference its usually best to keep them to yourself, it HURTS a bio parent to no end to feel their child is not accepted. Also you fail to describe "how you are with the kids". Thats a key piece for understanding, I have no way of knowing if your negligent, if your indulgent to your bio and give to bio and leave skids out? We have no way of knowing.........cant jump to conclusions- was just examples. I do hope it works out- you BOTH dropped the ball in my opinion there.

Well we don't really know what he said his feelings were about the step kids right??