A word of caution. Think hard about what you're getting into.
This is a letter to my younger self and a word of caution to those who might be jumping into a relationship. When I was younger, naive, lonely and lacking common sense, I had been brainwashed into thinking that a woman would complete my life. I had never dated anybody before I was 28. I finally met this person who had taken interest in me. For the first time in my life, I felt what it was like to be liked by someone other than your mother. I was ecstatic. I eventually hung out with this person and her two little kids. It was like my life had been complete. How wrong I was. I believe the term is one-itis.
Anyway, fast forward 13 years later. I married this person who I love; however, I have no emotional attachment to my step kids. In fact, I am resentful of them because I was an idiotic white knight who thought the right thing to do was to take care of another man's kids. I had to deal with all kinds of academic and behavioral issue regarding the step kids because I believed that it was my responsibility as well as my fault for causing my wife to finally divorce her then husband and also sell their expensive home (FYI, they were separated when I met her). Along the way, I was also guilted into thinking it was my fault that I did not show any emotional support and did not provide academic guidance for my step kids by my wife. I was in fact a doormat for most of my life, but that is my fault for being a dumbass.
So here's what you need to hear. Think long and hard about being a parent to another person's kid. If you are being a white knight, STOP! There's tons of websites out there that teach you how to be a man, deal with women and get the life you want. I wish I had this info when I was younger. It's your life, be as selfish as you want. Take the red pill and step out of the Matrix. Don't do what society tells men about being selfless and responsible. You are not responsible for another man's children. You are not responsible for your significant other choices in life. If you decide to cross that threshold of being a step parent, your freedoms are gone in a flash. You have to sync up your vacation with the school calendar. No more taking off 2 weeks in October to go to Europe. No more hanging out with your buds whenever you feel like it. No more hitting the clubs and chasing girls. You have entered into servitude of your step kid. If that is what you want, fine. You just have to realize that you're sacrificing yourself for someone else's kid.
A heads-up for men and woman
A heads-up for men and woman alike. "If you decide to cross that threshold of being a step parent, your freedoms are gone in a flash. . . You have entered into servitude of your step kid. If that is what you want, fine. You just have to realize that you're sacrificing yourself for someone else's kid."
Thanks Dear Ann. You're a
Thanks Dear Ann. You're a genius. I bet you dispense lots of important mind vitamins. Like water is wet. Hahahha.
While I usually agree 100%
While I usually agree 100% with Echo, I do know reality one day may not still be your reality in the future, especially when dealing with skids. Some people are incredible thespians and the real character of a man and skids may not surface until years down the road....hitting you like a lead balloon....Eventually the acting does end, however, and you notice you are living in somebody else's world instead of your own...you figure that one out pretty quickly and then start defining your "new normal" for yourself.
Good luck.
I have seen decent men go
I have seen decent men go down the tubes WHEN they allow their new wife rule the roost regarding a new family dynamic.
I have seen those very men, loose contact with great kids AND I have also seen the new wives treat his kids like crap tipping the scales of abuse/neglect.
Sir, take your life back. IF You want to go to Europe in October, go. IF you want to go play golf with your buds, or out for a few beers,,,,GO. Where and why do you think that you are obligated to play dad to your wives kids.
YOUR not. Who told you that you were?
Your not legally obligated unless you adopted them in court. YOUR not morally obligated to parent another mans kids either. YOU are morally obligated to be kind, helpful and protective when in your care and mom is away.
You read the wrong phantom book Sir. Phantom title is"what I must be like when I marry someone with kids' It does not exist and you must decide if between now and dead IF this is how you want to life.
You married the mom NOT the children. They have two parents....even if bio dad passed away that is still their dad.
Lol. GS, I too had my White
Lol.
GS,
I too had my White Knight period where I would identify what I referred to as my "rescue projects" who were usually amazingly beautiful but tragically flawed ladies that I just knew I could save and share an amazing life with.... nope. That never worked for me either.
It may seem that marrying an 18yo single teen mom with a 15mo kid was more "rescue project" behavior on my part but this one was and still is very, very different.
We will celebrate our 23rd anniversary in a few weeks and have made an amazing life together including raising our kid (My SS STB-25). The key for me and for all three of us is to avoid what you have clearly pointed out as the pitfall of SParenting.
I would not tolerate being in a state of servitude to my SKid nor to my bride and I would not force that on my bride either. My bride and I are and have always been equity life partners. I would not tolerate less for myself and would not want less for and from my bride even when she was recently a single teen mom who was then a young teen-mom bride.
Don't get me wrong. There is very likely a time during my night in shining armor phase when I would have found myself in the same position you seem to find yourself in. Fortunately I learned that it is an untenable situation to sacrifice yourself on the alter of the victim husband whether or not that includes Skids, BioSpawn, or no spawn at all. That I learned during my blessedly brief and spawn free first marriage to my adulterous whore of a cavern crotched XW.
You can stop sacrificing yourself to your Skid and to your wife. Grow some man-sack, give them clarity, and put and keep your foot down.
If your bride won't step up as your equity life partner.... find a woman who will. It doesn't matter if she has prior relationship spawn or not. If she is your equity life partner and each of you make your relationship and each other your sole priority you can work out the details of the peripheral influences (like kids, Xs, ILs, etc...) together.
Good luck.
While in general I am an
While in general I am an enthusiastic supporter of vents and rants, I'm a little worried about you, greystreet.
While steplife is impossible, it's not entirely 100% because of the reasons you list.
There is a more balanced way to live life than you have tried so far. I understand you had difficulties entering into an adult social life. You married the first person who paid attention to you. You threw yourself under the bus of her vision of family life.
These tend to make for a perspective that is a tad skewed. Women come in as many if not more different stripes as men do. Some single women are just wonderful and some are also really great moms who would make fantastic partners and not expect or even allow you to do more than is right and comfortable for all. Your life really can be enriched (emotionally) by a good marriage.
So I do have empathy for a steplife that went south, but perhaps marrying the first woman you interacted with has more to do with how things turned out for you than marriage or family life itself. Greystreet, I hope you can start practicing a more measured approach to life. Proceed with some caution and some courage.
Oh, here's a great one. On ancient Greek vases you will often see chariots racing along with 4 horses at the harness. Look carefully, you will notice that the 2 horses closest to the viewer (us) have their front hooves and their necks more forward. The two horses on the inner side of the picture will have their front legs more curled underneath them and their necks pulled back. This is to communicate the perfect Greek moment: the point in the chariot race where the driver must exit the straightaway and enter the curve. The best approach is to urge the outer two horses forward so you don't lose the race. At the same time, you must pull back on the two inner horses so they slow down a bit. If you don't take this step and just go all out speed on all four horses, you run the very high risk of overturning in a terrible crash.
The Greeks painted this image so often because it was their philosophy of life. I recommend it to you, greystreet. Keep some of your horses a bit in reserve, but don't forget to stay in the race.
Well said, this is the reason
Well said, this is the reason I refused to move in with my girlfriend, she has one son who clearly isn't impressed with my presence and being.
The only people who wanted me to move in was her and her mother, at the detriment of my happiness.