And if this practice had been in place when I met DH, I wouldn't have continued a relationship with him. At that time his contact with BM was virtually nonexistent.  It changed when SD was barely 18, physically assaulted her mother and took off with a boy(now her incarcerated slacker H)  At that time BM contacted DH and let him know what was going on. DH knew of the boy (17 yo at the time) and his reputation.  We went to find her and once we did, we took her back to her mother's and addressed the physical attack.  SD left again after a couple days and ended up pregnant and marrying the loser. They bounced from place to place with baby in tow, graduated high school,  SD's H is currently in jail and a new baby was born a few months ago.  SD still bounces between her mom's and in-law's homes, but she doesn't call often when she's at in-laws (they are the textbook definition of white trash).  She typically calls (with Facebook or Instagram app) when she's at BM's.

I have sympathized with DH and the situation,  being concerned for SD's welfare and that of the grands. I have bios, so I understand the worry. I've encouraged him to improve his relationship with his BKs since we got together.  His work has required travel and kept him away alot over the years,  and I don't think SD understands that or much of anything about what being a responsible adult means.

At any rate,  it's not something I would have chosen to be part of, yer here I am. Just trying to navigate now.

I suspect DH may have said something to BM because she recently backed off.  But within a few days of her backing off, SD22 added her to the call group so when SD calls now it goes to my phone, DH and BM. Last night SD called and BM left the call after 10 minutes or so. Then SD somehow disconnected the call and called everyone back, including BM.  She again left the call after a few minutes. 

DH knows my feelings because this is a discussion/fight we've had multiple times over the past 2+ years.  And over that period of time I've seen some improvements,  but it's definitely not ideal, not by any means. DH agrees it's completely screwed up and 'not supposed to be this way', in his words.  His concern is not being able to see or talk to the sgks.

I think what I've been trying to do is pinpoint the problems.  And I know a high chunk of that is DH's need to lay down boundaries and his fear of doing it. He has told me he's afraid of not being able to see the gks if he pisses SD off and I've told him this is manipulation.  

And SD is clearly a problem because she still wants mom and dad together, even on calls.  BM has said things I believe are inappropriate and that hasn't made things any better. When she's been in a relationship,  she backs off and it's apparent even to DH that she speaks and behaves differently.  But it's taken time for him to see this.

I've told him I'm not a sister wife. He has validated my feelings and changed his behavior to a degree, but I feel like there's more to be done.

My PDA with DH on video calls was suggested by another S-talker and I'm glad I've done it because it's reciprocated by DH and makes the point visually to SD and BM that I'm his partner.  And it'd me sort of marking my territory.  Like Rags has said,  being present and living well makes a statement and speaks for itself.  

DH and I are part of a group text started by my DIL where she shares ultrasound and bump pictures because she's out of state and by herself right now as my son is active duty military and her family is across the country.  My exH and his wife are in the group, but we don't directly address each other. We were at the baby shower for them (hosted by myself,  DILs mom and DS's SM. I had lots of contact with my exH's wife in thr planning process and in setting up and cleaning up, but just a couple sentences of mundane 'hi, how are you?' type things to my ex- civil and amiable but not excessive or personal.  I have told DH this is a good working relationship between divorced parents.  He has seen me go to school and extracurricular events for BKs where exH was present and I most often didn't even cross paths with him. If we did, it was a simple hello and on to what the kids needed. The one time I sat near him was a dance recital with very limited seating and it was obvious that there were no other options.  We have met in his home or mine when a come to Jesus meeting was needed for one of the kids and it was strictly about the kid in question and DH has been part of these meetings.  And its when my older kids were minors, still in school.  He came to admire the example and said he wanted something like that for his kids,  but unfortunately his kids are both over 18 and should no longer need this much parental guidance.  I'm sad to say SD22 is very naive and and immature, despite being a mother herself now. She's utterly clueless about a lot of things but I feel like her parents missed the boat when they could have influenced her behavior as she was growing up. She was already teenager when I came into the picture.

So, yes,  absolutely, I would want my DH to have done things very differently with this situation, but it feels like it was thrust upon us before any thought could be given to how to manage it. And at every opportunity SD tries to drag mommy and daddy together,  talks about BM during every conversation and until recently BM has seemed pleased to be in the thick of it. DH has worried about being rude and not having access to grands. And I feel like I'm whining in a corner like someone eaten up with jealousy. That's not how I want to be seen. I just want to be seen as DH's wife, someone happy to facilitate the well-being of SD and sgks, but not to be used as a damn doormat.

I'm trying to have empathy for everyone,  but it's difficult when more and more I see SD's contempt for me as she keeps trying to throw her parents together.  I don't think DH sees it yet, but I hope he opens his eyes.

I've been the walk away wife twice before,  and it's been after I've exhausted all avenues for change. I'm capable of leaving if it comes to that, but I'd like to avoid it, if that's possible. 

Thanks for listening and letting me vent. Besides my counselor,  it's the only place I can vent.