When disengaging doesn't work
So, at this point in time, dh and I are at risk for just becoming yet another statistic of second marriages failing due to "kid" problems. This summer, I fully admit I was a b**** to dh and his son. SS20 was living in our basement doing nothing but partying on the weekends. He gave us lip service when we would tell him to clean up after himself, etc...and I was at the end of my rope. He started using drugs again and dh turned a blind eye. He also simply wasn't moving his son along and I threatened to move out. Finally, he did take him to at least get his license, but then SS20 went back to using drugs. Long story short, dh and I were fighting...ALOT. A month ago, SS20 went to rehab and I shut down...totally disengaged. I was so angry at him for resorting to drugs instead of doing all the right things when we clearly were helping him get his life back after ruining it with drugs for 2 years. Granted, I maybe didn't handle it well, complained all the time to dh AND SS20 to no avail. All the time, dh was just waiting for his son to fail, so he could get him back into rehab and didn't tell ME...letting me just get more and more frustrated. I became someone I didn't like and dh didn't like.
Unfortunately, I AM a person who wears their heart on their sleeve. When I'm happy, I'm happy, when I'm angry...I hold on to it and disengage. It lets me let go of the anger and put the situation out of my life and out of my mind. That's how I keep peace in my life. However, in disengaging, dh has become increasingly angry at ME. SS20 has done well at rehab, but when he would come home from a visit, he'd say, "SS20 is doing really well." and expect ME to ask questions. Instead, I just said, "That's good." and would leave it at that. This just made dh angrier.
So, the last 2 weekends, dh and I have had long discussions about SS20 and my reactions, etc...and he is now not speaking to me, claiming he doesn't know WHO he married. I explained to him that he married someone who was NOT prepared to deal with kid with a substance abuse problem (actually all 3 of his sons have them, but SS30 is doing well...clean for over a year now). I fully admitted to this and he just sees me as a b**** with basically no intelligence and no compassion, I think. Long story short, he's threatened divorce (but he seems to do this every time we have a problem) and I told HIM that had I not trusted that he was as committed to making this marriage last "til death do us part", I never would have married him. He's so quick to threaten divorce every time we disagree about his kids. I'm sorry...I just don't have that unconditional love for his kids that he does.
So, as it stands right, dh is trying to figure out "who he married" and not speaking to me. I did tell him when we talked that I often told him when we were dating that one of the things I loved most about him was that he made me feel like I "mattered" (something I hadn't felt during the last several years of my 25 year marriage). I told him I didn't feel that way anymore...unloved and that I couldn't do anything right in his eyes. He's become critical of me and grumpy towards me. I didn't say it, but thought to myself...this feels too much like my first marriage and I'm not going to waste another day with a man who doesn't care what I think or how I feel. I think what floored dh most of all was admitting that this past summer I daydreamed every day about moving out. And that was the truth. He then said, when HE decided to call it quits, that WILL be it and then I called him a quitter.
I admit to being afraid of divorce again. I make little, dh makes much more and my job doesn't have health insurance. I'm 53 and I honestly do not want to start over. But, regardless of what happens between me and dh, I have definitely learned some valuable lessons about myself and marriage. NEVER get involved in a family with substance abuse problems because I obviously can't handle it.
This situation is not going
This situation is not going to change. As Stepaside points out, addiction is an overwhelming issue for families to face. And they don't magically get fixed, even with rehab or even if someone is clean for a year or two. It's a lifelong battle. I have a brother who is now in his 60's and still has problems; it will never go away.
So. The addictions situation will not change, or may only change for the better for awhile. Virtually guaranteed there will be relapses. Your DH has shown that he expects to fully support his sons through these ordeals. That won't change either.
The only thing that can change is you. Personally, I would not be with someone who has vowed to support his three kids with their substance abuse problems. But the reason I can say that is because I am self-sufficient. I don't depend on my SO for the roof over my head, health insurance, or anything else.
Maybe that's the real question here: If you were able to be fully self-supporting, would you still be in this marriage? If the answer is no, then you have your question: Are you able make a commitment to yourself, to go out and get a job and be self-supporting so you won't have to be in this situation anymore?
At 53, you still have a chance. Wait too much longer and you will be stuck for good.
If you can't stand this now, imagine how it will be when you are 63 or 73. And the 40-year-old addict son is still in your home.
Luckily, the older 2 will
Luckily, the older 2 will never live at home again. SS31 was diagnosed mentally ill at age 23 and has lived on government disability since. He's such a bad drug user, I know dh would NEVER allow him back in our home. He has been in and out of group homes and is now in a small apartment. SS30 lives 8 hours away, gets 70% military disability and currently is in a VA program to become a welder and works evenings at a warehouse. It took him 6 years after Iraq to admit he had a problem and finally finished a rehab program.
So, SS20 is the last to worry about ever living at home again. As I have said, if he decided to do a training program at our local community college, I would support that and allow him to live at home again until he finished, secured a job and got on his feet. He actually graduates from rehab this Wednesday and will be moving into a halfway house and looking for a job.
As for me...honestly, I just don't want to be a 2 time failure in marriage, so even if I had the means to leave, I'm not sure I'd be gone yet...eventually, but not yet. As I told dh yesterday, I fight for what I believe in and marriage and the "til death do us part" thing is one of those things. I also told him that love and committment are a choice. I know he's thinking about that. I was honestly surprised last night when he made a nice dinner, then put the tv on a channel I like and let me watch all the shows I like all evening. That surprised me. BUT, he didn't say a word to me.
This is what I meant when I
This is what I meant when I said "when disengaging doesn't work". I TRIED, but by my silence, dh takes it as "You hate my son.". Not true. I just don't want to deal with it or hear about it anymore. He's not getting it and then gets angry at me for "not caring". I don't know. The damage may be irrevocable. Only time will tell.
During our long talks, dh kept asking me what I want and all I kept saying was, "I want a happy life and peace." My fear is that I will never have that with dh. He also suffers chronic pain which isn't easy. He suffers depression as well, but doesn't believe in counseling. He believes I AM unhappy and said he won't live with someone who's miserable. I admit I was definitely miserable this summer, but not now that SS20 is gone. Dh and I HAVE that peaceful life within our home now...I cannot believe SS20 is still an issue. I'm supposed to be all caring and supportive of him doing well in rehab when deep down I just simmer at what he's done and just don't want to talk about it. I told dh it takes me longer to forgive his children than it does him and I think THAT'S what bothers him most of all. Again...it's all about that unconditional love that keeps fathers giving and enabling. Oh...PLUS being dysfunctional. I told my dh my counselor told me I was the "healthy one in a family of mental illness". He laughed. Of course he did! He thinks I'M the one who has issues! I'm not saying I don't, but mine pale in comparison to his and his kids'.
I know what you mean about
I know what you mean about being afraid to a failed second marriage. That is why I spent two decades kissing the a$$es of DH and SD, putting on a phony smile and taking the same emotional abuse you are. My DH used to threaten to leave all of the time. Finally, I disengaged and told him he could leave if he wanted. Well, he's still here but he knows now I will no longer allow him to use threats to manipulate me. We no longer speak of SD either. My choice and I have a right to it just as you do.
In my opinion, your DH is being a dictator. He wants you to share in his misguided illussion that his sons are not doper losers so he doesn't have to face the cold hard fact that they are.
When you said, "I want a happy life and peace" when your DH asked what you want, think of how far away from this wish you are. I know financial security is important but is it really worth losing your self-respect and dignity?
Sandy21, Thanks for your
Sandy21,
Thanks for your reply. I have alot to think about. I have a plan if I decide to leave, but things are pretty peaceful right now and SS20 moves into the halfway house today, so maybe for a while, I will get that peace I crave. I did basically tell dh he could file for divorce if he wanted because I won't, but I haven't heard anything more. I just get so sick of him threatening to do it, but then when I ask him if he wants me to put our home on the market, he backs off. I think it makes it just too real for him.
As for his sons, NOONE sees them more for who they are than dh. He's embarrassed by them and always says his biggest regret in life is "sleeping with that woman" (his ex). She suffers mental illness which is why he divorced her. She got pregnant when they were 19 after only 6 months of dating and so, he had to drop out of college and work in a factory. He's now in sales (he's very gifted in electronics)so has been successful in his career. Long story short, these boys were destined for failure between their parents' mental issues and their addictions. Add divorce into the mix and it probably wasn't going to end up good. Anyway, I think I just bit off more than I could chew with dh, but, being a glass half full person, I always hope things will get better. I was devastated by my first divorce after 25 years, but I was raised in knowing your first marriage was to last forever. Plus, my family was destroyed as I saw it. If I were to end this marriage, there would be none of that. I think dh and I could even part friends. We've both made our mistakes although dh sees it as I changed and became someone he didn't know. He's right...I grew a spine and stood up and let my feelings known. I had been through too much with him and his sons and had reached the end of my rope.
Thank you to everyone for your replies. You are more help than you know! I talk to noone IRL except my counselor about these issues, but only go once a month, so it's nice to have you all in between times. God bless you.