Would i be fair to ask BF to change visitations to every other weekend?

Forums:

This is something i've been wanting to ask my BF for a while now but i've always thought it was something that i didnt have a right to ask, especially because my son lives with us full time as his dad died last year. But my son 7 is is full time education and isn't a problem, he's no angel but i do all the discipline with him and in comparison to my SS4 he's a angel!

Every weekend his son comes to stay and the weekends are the only time me and son get to spend real quality time together but because my SS is always around and his behavior is so stressful!! (whining and screaming over nothing and i mean nothing! making up lies about my son which is the one thing i'm angry and worried about the most, lack of manners etc.) me and my son can only spend time when we're out of the house, i havent got all the money in the world and i also dont see why me and son should be kicked out of our own home to spend time together.

My son especially has to deal with the constant behavior from my SS as they share a room on the weekends and i know its taking its toll on him and its really starting to show over the weekends and it is on me too to the point when Friday comes i'm miserable and automatically get in a bad mood and i cant wait for the weekend to be over! I love Mondays!! what type of person loves Mondays?!!

I've told my partner that because of his sons behavior, him and his son may have to go somewhere else on weekends, i dont want to do this, i will for me and my son but i shouldnt have to but me and my son need a break from this but i know in time it will effect mine and my partner relationship more than his sons behavior already is doing.

Part of me thinks now is, his son is in full time education so why cant we change it to every other weekend? Because the way i look at it is if my sons father was alive, he's be going to his fathers every other weekend so i could spend time with him too.

Though i know my SS BM would not want to do this, she finds any excuse to get rid of my SS, she doesn't teach him anything good, she's a lazy parent and tbh i think the only reason she wont allow my partner to have full custody is that she'll lose money and i know the moment he asks her, she'll threaten him with not being able to see his son at all, which is what she always does!

Am i out of line to ask him to change it to every other weekend? If i am, what am i suppose to do? This is getting too much for me and my son.

Asking him to reduce the

Asking him to reduce the amount of time he has is son is wrong since his SS lives there full time.

It doesn't matter how well behaved your son is, he's still a SK.

Since your BS is full time in

Since your BS is full time in your household I think it would be out of line to ask your DH to limit time with his BS. To me this is not an issue of fairness. It is an issue of being a parent.

That said, I understand the desire to get a break from a PITA skid. Maybe a shift in visitation from EWE to EOWE with alternating weekdays in the intermediate weeks. For the weeks that SS is not at your home on the WE he is there on T/W or W/Th. That maintains the visitation time but builds in some weekend time without SS.

IMO, it isn't fair to ask

IMO, it isn't fair to ask your BF to see his son less to make it more convenient for yourself & your son.

You spend every single day with your son. As it is, he only see his on weekends. He deserves that little bit of time & his son NEEDS that time with his dad. Especially considering the way you describe BM.

Your son is twice SS's age at this point. At 4 years old, you can't expect him to be as well behaved as your 7 year old.

You're in a relationship with a man who has a child. He sees him 2 days a week, & you want him to reduce it to 4 days a month so you can spend more alone time with the child you get to spend every single day with? :?

ETA: If his child's presence is an issue for you & your son already, perhaps this a good time to re-evaluate this relationship & really think about whether or not having his son around is something you can be happy with.

What about if instead of

What about if instead of every other weekend you ask to have one weekend a month dropped. For example- ask that weekends 1,3,4,5 he comes over but the second weekend of every month you have the 2 of you. Maybe BS7 could stay at grandma's or Aunt/Uncles house?

Why should she expect her

Why should she expect her boyfriend to give up ANY time with his son, while she gets to enjoy EVERY day with hers?

Regardless of how many days she's having to deal with his kid, it's still far less than he's having to deal with hers.

Even if it was 50/50 she was dealing with, it's still only 1/2 of what he's dealing with.

He's a part-time parent & a full-time stepparent.

I'm not saying she has to accept it or be happy with it. I'm saying she isn't bound to the situation. She has a choice to make, but has no right to expect him to sacrifice even more time with his son so she can more fully enjoy the time she gets to spend with a child she sees every day.

I don't think it's fair that

I don't think it's fair that your bf should have to decrease the time he has his kid there when your kid is there 100%. Don't forget, your kid is also a skid (to your bf). I'm sure your bf has moments where he wishes your kid would go away too (doesn't matter how good the kid is- it's HARD living with someone else's child)!

That being said, I don't think it would be out of line to want some weekend time alone with your bf. Why not get a babysitter for BOTH the kids and have some couple time?

His kid is 4 years old.

His kid is 4 years old. There isn't a 4 year old in the world that isn't going to misbehave some. I'd bet money her boyfriend doesn't see her 7 year old as the angel she says he is.

Just because a child is difficult to deal with doesn't mean he deserves a relationship with his parent less than another one. If anything, the way OP describes the kids BM, he NEEDS his dad as much as he can have him.

I'm not saying he has to sacrifice his girlfriend for his son. I'm saying she has no right to ask him to sacrifice his son for her & her son.

Just leave. Take your kid

Just leave. Take your kid and leave. There is NO WAY to ask him to not have his kid every weekend that won't end in him either leaving you or resenting you to the point you would be better off gone. Just go, it isn't going to get any better.

WOW! ok firstly to EVERYONE!

WOW! ok firstly to EVERYONE! I wanted an opinion not an ATTACK! This is something i wouldn't do for the reasons you ALL said! and if you guys all read the first paragraph of my post, i say the same! i was just wondering!

Secondly - Not once did i say my son is an angel! He's far from it! But SS behavior is affecting my son and is upsetting him a lot and i ain't going to apologize for putting MY son before everyone else, especially since my son hasn't got daddies to go to at the weekend.
And ask yourselves this, if some child at your child's school was making up lies about your child constantly, making your child's life a misery how would you react? you'd ignore it? NO! but because he's my partners son i should ignore it? i don't think so!

Thirdly - My BF does NO discipline when it comes to MY son, i do it! as he is MY son, they live the same house that is all, they talk to each other, say good morning/good night, but he doesnt pick my son up from school, do his homework with him and all that I DO!

Last but not least, if my partner could get full custody it would be great! then i could actually be involved in SS life properly and raise him like he deserves to be raised, i do NOT hate this child, i've known this child since he was 3 days old, i hate his behavior and the fact he's got a crappy mother who can't be bothered doing her duties to raise her son right, we are suffering because of it! and that includes my DH! If i could even get a weekend out of the month, i'd be happy.

oh and im sorry but 8:30am to 3:15pm 5 days a week at school is NOT 24/7, i see the weekends as me and my son relaxing spending time together and me and my son should not have to be kicked out of MY house to do that and when i say MY house, i mean MY house, my partner who is NOT my husband moved into my house, i pay all the bills and stuff so it is MY house!

I am not meaning to come across as attacking but alot of you totally attacked me there! and there was no need! it was just a wonder and you can judge me as the wicked bitch that doesnt want her partner to spend time with his son, i would NEVER expect that as i have a son who NEVER see's his dad and NEVER will so please dont accuse me of something like that!! but you all have NO idea what SS behavior is like! Screaming the god damn house down because my son sat somewhere he didnt want him to sit! its like that ALL god damn weekend and now with making up lies about my son, doing naughty things and blaming my son for it! again what would you all do?

I never said it was my SS,

I never said it was my SS, I've always said it was his lazy ass BM and my partners fault! never would i ever blame my 4 year old SS for it, but when you work all weekend to change it just to start all over again the following weekend and the same after that and so on, after a while it gets stressful beyond belief!

OP I agree with everyone

OP I agree with everyone else. However, I do understand where you're coming from (well at least I think I do). DH and I get SD every weekend because BM doesn't want her at home (unless it benefits her somehow). Only thing different is that SD is an only child. However, we are lucky because DH's family is very involved with SD and they will take her for a night here or there so DH and I can spend some alone time together.

However, IMHO, even if I did have a child, I would never think of asking DH to decrease the amount of time he sees SD. That's just not right.

Thank you!

I totally see both sides of

I totally see both sides of this coin. As a SP...I would have hated to have SS EVERY weekend. As a parent I would love to get my kids as much as I could.

I agree with Rags. Maybe you could get him two days during the week and then EOWE...

And 1 thing i do not

And 1 thing i do not appreciate is being called selfish, YES my post came across as selfish but im far from it!

When my partner moved in with me, i went out of my way and bought bunkbeds for my sons room, so his son has a bed and not a pull out one, i gave him lifts to pick his son up from BM and lifts to drop his son back, i lend him money whenever he needs some, i buy clothes for his son, i parent his son when his BM doesnt!! I taught him how to say please and thank you, i taught him the difference between right and wrong! I pay the bills in the house because he doesnt get enough money so i pay for pretty much everything so he can spend his money on his son. i ask NOTHING off my partner when it comes to my own son, NOTHING!

If anyone thinks im selfish then please think again, at the end of the day i am only human and can only put up with so much!

So, your bf moved in with you

So, your bf moved in with you & brings his kid in on weekends. You're paying the bills. You're supplying his kid's clothes. You're carting him to & from BM's house to get his kid for visitation.

Given this, IMO, the bf is the one who needs to go.

Does your bf work? Where is his money going? If he depends on you to do all of this for him, how does he figure he'd be able to pull off full custody?

4 year olds act out. They yell. They throw tantrums. He has to be taught how to behave, just like your son was.

My partner has just started

My partner has just started work, where we live there are NO jobs around, 1 job vacancy = 200/300 applicants, no excuse but its the truth.

I stopped doing it all because i was taken for granted, not just from my partner but from BM too

It just seems all i've done is try to help and its all just blown back in my face! n now because i wonder one thing, everyone is attacking me.

People need to realise, my sons dad died last year, the only parent he has is me, i know how my son feels in all of this, my dad died when i was 9 years old, its such a painful process, i have to think what right for me son but at the same time, i love my partner! and it seems no one likes the fact that i'd like a middle ground where me and my sons needs dont get ignored.

I'm only speaking for myself

I'm only speaking for myself here when I say your BF is the problem here, but it's your SS catching the blame. He's 4. Some of his behavior comes from being 4. The rest of it comes from his parents failing to teach him how to behave.

Perhaps BM is a lazy parent, but it sounds like your partner is being his fair of lazy as well, & expecting you to deal with it.

Stop. If your partner has a job, he needs to start paying his share of the bills. He has to pull his weight, both as a partner & as a parent.

People do realize that your son doesn't have a father. It's a sad thing. That doesn't justify reducing the amount of time your SS gets to have a father.

You & your son get your partner all week long. The only time you have to share him with his child is on weekends.

Maybe it'd be better for your partner to find his own place where he can have his son on weekends. That way, you're not in a position to be so easily taken advantage of & you don't have his son imposing on yours.

I'm not trying to be mean. I feel like it'd be unfair to further limit the time this child gets with his dad when it's his dad contributing to the problems you're facing.

"Am i out of line to ask him

"Am i out of line to ask him to change it to every other weekend?"

Yes, I think you are.

"If i am, what am i suppose to do?"

Ask him to take his kid somewhere else when he has visitation. Or offer to rotate who leaves the house on the weekends (you and your kid one weekend, him and his kid the next).

some child at your child's

some child at your child's school was making up lies about your child constantly, making your child's life a misery how would you react?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You remove YOUR child from the bad situation.

I would not live with/marry my DH for many years because of how SS acted. I was not going to put myself or my children through that mess.

NO NO NO_ she doesn't REMOVE

NO NO NO_ she doesn't REMOVE HER KID-it's HER home, she CAN ask to remove the problem child though.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My comment was figurative.

What I meant by my the comment to remove her child from the situation was not that she move out of her home. Her kid is hurting and hating life right now because of BF and SS. She needs to get HER child out of that situation.

Not by her BF losing time with his kid. But by other ways. Maybe her BF needs to move out until she can and her son can handle the situation. I also see no reason he can't take visitation somewhere else.

You know i dont think you all

You know i dont think you all understand just how much of an awful person i feel for feeling this way! I've been feeling like an awful person for so god damn long, i never EVER thought i would think this way when it comes to a child, especially one i knew!

You know whenever my partner though back then was my friend use to come round with his ex n SS when he was a baby, BM would sit in my kitchen n do feck all while my BF did everything, i use to take over, i'd lay on the couch with my SS who was months old, i'd cuddle him and we'd both fall asleep together. Those lovely memories i have of my SS are ruined! and i feel like its all my fault! for allowing myself to think this way!

I feel helpless and in the process i feel like im letting my son down too because he's suffering with it all and i dont know what to do anymore! i am failing my son, im failing my SS and im failing my partner because i'm not being the women/mother whatever that he needs me to be

i know asking him to reduce

i know asking him to reduce his time with his son is out of order, i've always thought hence why i'd never ask it but i also think my SS BM needs to step up to the plate too and be a mother, i am so sick of seeing parents treating their children like toys, i am so sick of mums taking the mick out the dads that make the effort to be in their kids lives, i'm sick of people like me who try to help and not getting the same in return. i'm sick of feeling like this!

Whenever i think of my SS BM, after all the fueled hatred passes, i think how lucky she is to have her sons father in his life, that makes the effort to be in his life, there are so many dads who just dont give a damn! I know alot of that is bcoz my sons dad isnt here and maybe it has something to do with all this because deep down the truth is, im jealous for my son, i'm jealous for me, growing up without a dad and now my son doing the same, there is alot on envy there. tbh i dont know ...