I don't have any words of wisdom right now, but just know that you are certainly not alone.

When stepprincess15 comes over, I think I could fall to the floor dead and my husband would step over my body on the way out to an expensive lunch with her. He wouldn't want to inconvenience her by taking the time to call for someone to pick up the body; that could wait until she goes back to BMs.

I also do almost all of the housework, as well as work at least 45 hours a week in a stressful office.

Sometimes I feel as though I am just a maid and an extra paycheck, both of which allow him to indulge his kids more than he used to.

We do have some good times between us, too, when I feel close to him and believe he truly loves me. But it always goes back to the same dynamic.

I am second. I will always be second.

A lot of things you said hit a chord with me. I'm so sorry. Wait until you are recovered from your surgery, however, minor, then start making your plan. My exit plan from my exH literally took me 3 years.

Your comment that money doesn't buy happiness - very true - but hopefully that also implies that you have some? If so, one of the major problems to getting out is sorted. But if you have to get a job - then maybe start looking around. Similarly, start getting your support circle organised. Whether this is forums like this, parents, friends, relations, whatever. If you don't have a large circle of friends, concentrate on making new ones by attending groups, classes, even something like slimming classes can be a rich source of new friends.

Like you, I don't believe in counselling any more. This is rich coming from me, because I was a relationship counsellor for 8 years. Some couples it worked for, but they were generally the ones where both partners were 100% committed to making things better. I've had counselling and therapy myself, and most of the counsellors were pretty useless.

You say your husband promises change. What ONE thing can he show as demonstration of his commitment to change? Sounds like there isn't much and you've given up. And that's fine. Took me 10 years to plan my exit from my ex. Took me that long to gather strength and resolve.

What do you need in order to stay? Make sure your DH knows what those things are, then see if he is willing to work in that direction. If he is not or if he quickly backslides, you have your answer. Then, what do you need in order to leave? Start working on those things. Even small steps are empowering.

So sorry you are in this terrible situation. Many of us know what it is like to be invisible (unless something needs to be cleaned).

I went through that when ss19 lived with us in his senior year, it was like my house was not my home and all I did was work and then come home to have to clean up after teens. I felt swallowed in all the disorderliness of my life, the disrespect was not only coming out of their mouths but also in the way they treated my home (ss19 and all his 20+ friends). Once I drove up and there were so many cars that my neighbor though we were having church in my house. It was the opposite of church, it was ss19 (17 and 18 that year) and his 20 odd friends all playing foosball and loud music and smoking pot. DH was not home at the time but I called and when he came home he ripped in to ss. But it didn't get better until we kicked him out, but then he moved back in twice more before I finally said NO MORE. I've dealt with dogs and skids for so long and all I do is clean in spurts or hide and try to endure, but slowly I am taking back my home. Being on this site has helped me to get my own home back and my sanity as well. Me and my kids now don't feel like the ones hiding in our rooms anymore, now me, bs15 and dh sit around in the livingroom and ss16 is the one hiding in his room. Oh well. lol

You either have to work at reclaiming, or make an exit plan and get out. Whatever you do, do something.

Oh, wow, I feel for you and I am sending you a hug. I got shivers reading your post because I can only imagine all that you are going through coupled with a grieving family. Divorce itself is grieving and now they are doing it again. I would try to do things as a family (genuinely) and build bonds with kids. Talk to them and show them compassion, but let them know you are a team that needs to help each other. It will take time, but if you can build bonds, then that will help them.

Is your sd in counseling? She just lost her mom and is a preteen. That's got to be tough.

Hi folks.
I am a new member and I’ve been reading some of the posts with a great sense of relief. I knew I wasn’t alone, but hearing similar experiences to my own has been strengthening. (And I’m still deciphering the short forms of everything!) Sorry for the long post.
I’ve been a SM to a SD15 and SD18 for the past 7+ years, and I love them and I’ve always been generous with them with my time, energy and money. No bio kids. My SO is an artist who works from our home. I also work full-time from home. I bought the house 13 years ago and own our vehicle (he sold his sports car). All my own money. We pay house expenses and mortgage together. Because of his ‘bad’ experience with his ex-wife, he won’t really talk about remarriage. I’d like to. I’d also like to stop feeling like the maid in my own home, so I need to find ways to get the family to help with the work.
We have the SDs just 20% of the time, because their BM moved them, six years ago, 100 miles away. SM is a prize: greedy, venal, stingy, ungenuine, cold, vindictive. Lives with a lawyer she pretty much cheated with before dismantling her first marriage, to my SO. We have lived through utter and endless h@ll with her.
SD18 has cerebral palsy and autism and is confined to a wheelchair. She has scoliosis and lordosis. With help, she can feed herself at the table. She talks intelligently and has a wonderful imagination and spirit. And she is a great deal of work for everyone involved in her care. (I know there is a separate forum for special needs, but this really has more to do with SD15 and my SO.) When they are here, we have masses of laundry, dishes and cleaning. My SO and I have to lift SD18 for every bathroom visit and bedtime, and she weighs more than I do.
SD15 has generally been a good kid, but lately has become a princess: glued to the iPod, giving attitude about pretty much everything, sulking, punishing us, caring only about herself and shopping and “I want” and the vanity culture -- the works. She whines and pouts about having to do anything around the house, and leaves everything where it falls.
She wants a big camera, because she likes photography (we’ve already given her two cameras). And she wants a Mac laptop. BM lives with a lawyer and they have lots of money. We have very little, but my SO feels driven to give her anything she wants. I think it’s absolutely the wrong thing to do.
SD15 claims that she does very little at SM’s house. My SO does a lot of cooking here (BBQ), but the barest minimum around the house, the barest minimum to deal with his ex-wife, and the barest minimum to discipline or teach the kids. I do all that. Or try. When I ask SD15 to help, or when I tell her I won’t tolerate attitude, I am the bad guy.
I feel like I work for them as a maid, with no voice in my own life and house. I’ve tried so many times and in so many ways to explain to my SO that I need his help, but he’s always stressed about ... pick one: the kids, the work, the art world, his mother, whatever. SD15 is years behind in learning responsiblity and life skills. And I’m really sad about all of this, because I have improved all of their lives immeasurably and SD15 needs those things. I love them all, but I’m running out of strength and steam to keep doing this.

That should have been: "BM is a prize" -- I'm not those things! Lol.

The thing that concerns me here is that these kids were lazy, undisciplined spoilt people with clearly an overinflated sense of entitlement BEFORE mum died. Before mum died The Wonderer was treated as the maid, a mon entity. And no one saw it as a problem. Well except OP but their behaviour was certainly seen by dad as acceptable. Sure he gave op the obligatory, yeah, I'll change line to shut her up, but did nothing towards that change. The ill change line means nothing. It is said to buy our husbands peace. To shut us up, to keep us happy for a couple of weeks. But it is not genuine. They see nothing wrong with the behaviour of their children, they think they are getting on great with their kids, so therefore they are great parents, in short what they see is, their kids are happy, he's happy, and the only person complaining, is you. So they all see you as the problem. Now this behaviour that was perfectly acceptable before, will, I fear escalate now that mum has died. Not because they are grief stricken, but because every single person, counsellor a included will forget they've always behaved like this, and contribute their behaviour as GRIEF. These people now have an excuse, they are getting lots of support, they can forever behave like this, because their mum died. Who can blame them.

It has been my personal experience and the experience of some other posters on this site, that if the steps were horrible before mum died, they will be a million times worse after, and, dad who did nothing about their behaviour before, well he gets worse, because he totally puts it out of his mind they've always been like this. He is actually relieved because he too now has a ready made excuse for the behaviour of his kids and his failure to address it - THEIR MUM DIED.

My advice to you would be either stand up now and demand change, tell your husband sort it out today, or you will sort it out for him. Or just leave. Go quietly and see an attorney and see where you stand financially and if you are entitled to alimony. Sort that out and then see how you feel. But you do need legal advice to help you make plans whatever they may be. Where would you stand today if your dh died. Do you have the home, or do the kids get it. You really need to talk to a lawyer.

The power for change lies within you.

Yes we all grieve in different ways and for different periods of time. Losing their mother is particularly hard, especially for the 12 year old. But being a lazy slob in someone else's home should not be marked down to grief. The fact is there is only one child here. The 12 year old. The others are all adults. You are not the live in maid. YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THAT. YOU.

As for holidays with family. You can spend them with your family if you want to. He can go to his. That would be a good start to either making change in the marriage or helping you come to terms with the idea that you are not being respected within it, and maybe need to get out.