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Need opinions before I beat FH with his phone

lil_teapot's picture

I need to get your thoughts on this one.
FH has all the numbers for his ex's family still in his phone. Now they were separated 5 years and he got this new phone 3 years into it but somehow managed to get their numbers into his phone. (Hmmmm why's that? Not over them much?)
So I'm like, get rid of em...you don't need them. And he got all attitudinal on me. I got super-ultra-bitchy and said, no ultimatum, you will get rid of them now!!! He could see my blood was boiling and I was ready to kill him(figuratively) so he pouted and deleted them...including that horrible woman who was so mean to me at the wake. I mean seriously, does he HAVE to have their numbers in the phone???!!!! We're goign to have absolutely nothing to do with them(none of these people have called him in at least 2 years for god sakes!!!!) My point was, he hasn't called my mom in 3 months since she got home from the hospital, he doesn't call or speak to any of MY friends/family. Our life consists entirely of his friends and family, and he hates all of mine. Not only that but I have to put up with bm's crap, live in her old house, and have her kids 24/7. He's just being super controlling and I'm fed up!
So he tells me that ex's family are his "friends." WTF? I'm like, first, you need to talk to my friends/family because our life together is priority number one!!!! Second, you need to ditch her family because 1)the kids are old enough to call them on their own and 2)bm can handle her family/friends if she wants her kids involved w/them.
I am completely incensed at FH and am at the point where this big slap in the face is just about the end for me.
He didn't call my mom and wish her a happy easter even when I was down there Saturday. He has absolutly nothing to do with my friends or family unless I am there and make him. He is just hurting me so much. It's like, we get things ironed out...everything is nice and running smoothly, and he tosses in another monkey wrench. "We're going to be friends' w/ex's family"
Please!!!! Whatever!!!
I have to live in her old house, have her kids there 24/7 and put up with all their old baggage, so why can't I draw the line at her family????
FH fired back at me that he's doing the Parkinson's golf thing in June....cuz he'd done it for years...oh and just so happens the ex's brother has Parkinsons. Wow, that's typical Sad So I'm like, why don't u do the one for epilepsy sincy "MY" brother has epilepsy?! No comment from him then....
I am soooo angry I'm ready to chuck it all.
And to top it off, I was invited as of Friday to MIL's internment at the cemetery today at 2pm. As of last night, he tells me it's "for immediate family only" and he's not sure if his sister's husband is going or not...he'll let me know. Oh that's just super Sad Now I'm being punished and not "immediate family"...whatever.
I'm tellin ya'll I'm just about done w/the drama from him. I'm seriously considering throwin in the towel and going home to my mom.

Comments

KittyKat's picture

He is NOT acting like someone who is committed to YOU. You are 20000% right; the ex's family/friends are in the PAST and his present and FUTURE are with you. Making plans to golf in a tournament (hey, I'd understand if he said "This is the LAST TIME, I promise, next year I'll just give a donation" THAT would be enough. But to commit spending a whole afternoon (my hubby does many of these so I know they take up the whole day)
to a charity that benefits his "ex" in some way, after all this time, would have me out the door, too..

Please reconsider marrying this man. I know we have ALL told you this on this site. Once he "has you" legally, you really lose a LOT of yourself. It'll be a lot LOT messier to break ties.

Sorry, I read NOTHING in your blog that indicates that YOU are a priority to him...

Hugs, girl!

PLEA

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

lil_teapot's picture

He's making big strides in therapy. He's fighting more fair and everything is sooo improved. But there are things he isn't fair about and gets completely mad about when I demand change(I'm through with asking). I've tried being nice, going at it gently, but he ignores me until I go psycho on him. And I'm tired of it.
It's a tough call though...in alot of ways he's better, I'm happier and things are good. But like I say, it's like he keeps making trouble. I wouldn't have gone through his phone if he hadn't been a freak about it for months now....hiding it, turning it over or off...but his kids go through it w/o him caring. I've felt weird about it for a long time now...gotten a weird vibe. Well there was nothing bad in there, just ex's family's numbers. So jumping on him was I know, my bad...breach of trust, etc. But I needed to know and plus, we're supposed to be open books w/one another...he can go through my stuff.
It just really is unfair how he acts, and you're right about alot of things...but I'm still having a hard time whether or not it's worth it to stick through the rough times?
Hugs to u KK

BMJen's picture

If my DH said something like that to me I'd slap him upside the head. YOU are about to be his family. How are YOU not immediate? Any family that is already acting that way and putting up boarders is a family I'd run from.

Next, how can he possibly think that keeping all thier phone numbers is going to be okay with you? Especially since they aren't buddies, they haven't talked in two years!

The Human Beast Bitche's sister called us not to long ago stirring up shit and made the wonderful comment about how my DH has been a part of her life for so long and nothing will come between thier friendship. Nice. And the FRIENDSHIP, oh you mean you and him, yall haven't spoken one word to each other in over three years but NOTHING will come before you in my husbands life? C'mon.

If your DH talked to these people all the time and really did love them and were actually friends with them I would say there's not much you can do. But, being that there has been no communication in two years answeres that question.

I saw Cruella lurking around the other day, she might lend you that frying pan.

lil_teapot's picture

It's like he needs their numbers to feel validated...like he isn't anything anymore w/o them. It's creepy, and sad at the same time. Plus it pisses me off...like my people aren't good enough!
I really dont care at this point if they called everyday...we are a new, fresh chapter of life, and if he wants to be with the old nasty stuff then I'm outta here. No more putting up with crap for me! He can either do what I tell him or I'm done. I know that's not fair, but sometimes HE doesn't play fair either.
Hugs to u SMJ

FaithL's picture

Please think long and hard about a marriage with this type of person. My DH was divorced for 18 years when I married him and he had never truly separated himself from his old "family". Someone tried to tell me that it was weird how he never really separated himself from them, but I never thought too much about it. Wish I had now - he has never looked at me as his family - just sometype of roommate that he has tried to fit into his old life.

lil_teapot's picture

The people we work with thought he was weird, the relationship he had with his exW. Everybody thought he 'wasn't over her' and whatnot before we started dating...that's why I was super cautious. It isn't like that. In therapy I've learned how he just lets her do her thing so he can see his kids and they have the kind of amicable arrangement that helps the kids. He treats me nice and therapy is helping, but you're right about the not letting go...I can't live like this if he wont' let go and he won't move forward so we might very well be done. I'm not spending my life with a roommate.
Hugs to u.

BMJen's picture

I wouldn't want to see DH in a loving relationship with her family! But again, I do think it would be different if you came onto the scene and her brother and him were best buddy pals for years and years, ya know what I mean? I think no communication with them and them being upset that you made him get rid of the numbers is ridiculous. It's even more so that he doesn't have contact with YOUR family. YOUR his life now, not her and her damn family.

I know alot of people say you have to have privacy, etc in a relationship. But I'm not all about that, neither is my DH. IF I want to look through his phone, or IF he wants to look through my purse, neither of us give a crap. Go ahead, look away! LOL! My mom was beside herself when she seen him go into my purse for something. I was like mom, it's a freaking purse, and I'm his wife, why wouldn't he be allowed to go in it?

So I understand what you mean about open book. Nothing should be secretive from the one you love, that's just how I feel about it.

lil_teapot's picture

what's real. He said during the fight, in passing, that what if he'd been friends w/this guy for years before he married his sister. I'm like, but what difference does it make?!!! Now!!!! WE are getting married, WE are having kids, WE are building a life. I can see what you're saying...if they'd been painting the walls and fixing stuff around our house and then I got with FH, I'd have to learn to deal. But, one frikkin charity golf game a year does not a relationship make! Plus what pissed me off even more is that there's a nice dinner afterwards! Had I not found this all out I would have been all stupid sitting home or something stupid, while he's off golfing with his ex's family and then having dinner with them all!!! Is that insane or is it me??!!! Just thinking about it makes my blood boil. I'm seriously just about done with his sh*t! He's gonna do exactly what I want from now on or I'm gone...No more negotiating and kinder-gentler stuff. He can't act right on his own, so he can now listen to me and do what I tell him or I will move on. That sounds pretty harsh, but I'm just sick of the crap. I shouldn't have to dig and snoop and try to figure everything out so I don't look like an ass all the time!! I can't imagine how mad I'd be if he'd gone to the golf thing and dinner and I found out. Grrrrr!
I'm bout ready to go home to mama for a while and take a breather before I start a new life, w/o the drama!

KittyKat's picture

My H does several, mainly with guys from work to support local police efforts. Yes, there is a nice dinner, drinks, prizes, just a real "bonding" event.

My H has often invited ME to golf WITH HIM (he's much better than I), so I can never complain about him going.

We all have "ex-families", Lil T, and at some point we let go.
Sure, if I bump into my XBil, etc. I speak, I'm cordial, but I do NOT plan things with them. That would be disrespectful to my XH and his new wife.

Boundaries are seriously lacking here, girl. PLEASE PLEASE think hard about this one...it's NOT gonna "magically" disappear one day.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

lil_teapot's picture

we talk about in therapy all the time. BM boundaries are what they are...very fluid...however, they've gotten firmed up since I came along. Now we'll work on this or we'll break up...I'm not going to stress anymore or try to retrain...he can either do the right, normal thing or we're over.
I did get invited to the golf thing fyi. I said I'm definitely going. There's no way he's going to dinner with exW's family w/o me! But I hate being "cornered" into this and I'm p*ssed.

October8's picture

My H had a big issue with my phone. Because I am in sales I have a lot of people calling me and H has the hardest time with this. This is one of the areas where I draw lines at with the phone. The reason though is because at one point he went through the phone bill and was going to start calling numbers to see who they were!?!?

To me that just would have created tons of embarrasment with my clients. So he doesn't have access to those bills anymore.

As far as keeping the exes numbers, I wouldn't see it as a problem unless he is communicatinmg with them on a regular basis. The events are a problem though. And, YOU are his immediate family or STB.

One can only hope!

lil_teapot's picture

There is no need. The kids are old enough to call them on their own (13 and 14). Plus their mother is in contact with her own family...he has no reason to be contacting them...absolutely none! If he wants to reach out and touch someone, he ought to start wtih my family or even ONE of my friends!!! But he can't be bothered. It's all about him him him and his rotten messed up ex-family that he still thinks is his. He still calls them his "neice" and his "brother in law"...isn't that just swell?! Its a shame he doesn't have even the tiniest interest in my family.
I'm bout ready to shut him down for good...I'm done and ready to be happy again.
I hope things are better w/u girl...You've had a rough couple weeks.
TTYS. Hugs, LT

October8's picture

or without him. I can tell this is the week though that could turn things... I will post about it later. Mainly I've just been fighting with myself

One can only hope!

belleboudeuse's picture

I remember one time in the first year I was with DH (then-boyfriend), I called him on my way home from a hellish day at work so that I could vent and have some emotional support. When he picked up the phone, he told me that his ex-wife had called and her mom was in the hospital, and that ex-wife had asked him to go pick up SD at the hospital. So in the conversation it comes out that he was in his ex-MIL's hospital room and had been hanging out with her, ex-wife and SD for the past 2 hours. Just as I was starting to respond, he said, "Oh, the doctor's here, I have to go, I'll talk to you later." Click! So I sat there with my phone in my hand while he hung up to go tend to his ex-wife and ex-MIL.

I screamed and ranted in my car all the way home. Then, when he got back home that night, I calmly sat him down and said the following:

1) I am his significant other, soon to be wife.
2) I am not planning on being a co-wife with his ex.
3) His ex's mom is no longer his mother-in-law, and someday I hope for my mother to be his MIL. BUT:
4) He needed to decide which woman was his wife, because what he was doing with the ex and her mom that afternoon was being BM's husband.
5) If he decided that he needed to fill that role in his ex's life, then I would consider that he had made his decision, and our relationship was over.

He heard me, and understood, and my family has not had to take a back seat to the ex's again.

I TOTALLY understand your frustration, and it's totally creepy and unacceptable that your BF can't let go of his ex-family-in-law. I suggest having this conversation with him in therapy, in front of a counselor.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

lil_teapot's picture

I've retyped your thoughts...I'm calling them my new commandments.lol I am bringing them to the counselor tomorrow so we can hash this out. I'm done with his stupidity. He can either get with the program or I'm out.
Thank you for as usual, great comments! They definitely help.
Hugs, LT

belleboudeuse's picture

Good for you! I can't wait to hear about the results. If your counselor is good, he/she will totally back you up -- very important for cowardly/clueless FHs! Smile

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

kaffonseca's picture

is a WONDERFUL and open family. Even after our divorce, they still invited me to dinners, bday parties,etc. I had to put an end to it. Out of respect for my EH's new relationship and out of respect for my future relationship (I was single at the time I made the decision). I still know their #'s by heart, but they are not in my phone. We do speak once in a great while because of my BD13 but that is all. I think he needs to make a decision of who's family he wants to be a part of. Another thing, my EH's family would welcome my FH if I were to ever go anywhere around them. They are like that. Did your FH ever invite you to go?

belleboudeuse's picture

Good for you for doing this out of respect for your EH's new relationship, and for realizing in general that not making and respecting these boundaries puts a HUGE burden on the new significant other and his/her future with the ex and their family. I wish more people -- including the former family-in-law -- would realize this.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

lil_teapot's picture

FH need to decide which family he belongs to because he is being disrespectful to mine, while I have been nothing but gracious to his, and the resentment is eating me up. Its time for him to do instead of talk.

StepG's picture

My H still has BM's sister # in his phone. It used to be BM mother number but she passed away and sister lives there now. H does not call her unless SS is with her and wants to talk to him. However when dropping off or picking up SS if her sister is there or when her mother was there H would talk and visit for a few minutes. This use to bother me BAD!!! but that was when we were first into relationship and it was all new. Now I could give 2 craps about it. H, myself, and H's mother attended the funeral of BM mom...heck I made food and took it. I see it as they were his family for a long time and they are SS family on mom's side and H will always be nice to them and talk to them when he sees them and always maintain there phone numbers because H is not with BM anymore because of her family but because of BM. As a matter of fact my parents divorce when I was 2 and up until the day my mother's parents dies my real father would come and visit my grandparents. My grandparents LOVED my father. this weekend we were at a Crawfish Boil some friends of ours have and the woman is a step mom and her husbands ex brother in law was there and they are great friends. Being invloved with the Ex's family is a very fine line. I do not agree with calling just to chat or hanging out. However I see no harm in having the number and see no harm in visitng a member of the ex's family if they are hospital sick or have died. When something that major happens lay it down and have respect for the deceased or the sick.

Now if your fiance is chatting it up daily with the ex's family and initiates calls to them regularly but has nothing to do with your family that of course is a problem. My H has great relationship with my dad and all my family but he does not pick up the phone and call them nor do I call his family just to talk...we each tend to our own family in that sense. However we both have all families numbers in our phones.

Again at first I had issues with all things talking to ex-mother in law, talking with BM etc but I was young in the relationship but now my relationship with H has grown sooo much. My relationship with my H is the most secure thing in my life. We worship the ground each other walks on and so it phases me none for H to be nice to the ex and her family.

StepG's picture

and the not an immediate family member thing is a load of crap. I would be pissed about that!!!!

BMJen's picture

but he is going out of his way to be a part of her family and not a step out of his way to be a member of lil_teapots.

It would be offensive for him to basically ignore her entire family and friends but still befriend and love the x's family.

lil_teapot's picture

I've been on great terms with his kids and his family, but he isn't doing diddly squat for mine. Yes he was there at a couple of my mom's surgery, but that doesn't erase the fact that he wants nothing to do with them or my friends.
You really nailed it! That's why I'm soooo mad!!!! If he treated "my people" with love and respect, I wouldn't care if he ever rang up the ex's family(ok, i would care, but not nearly as much as now). It's soooo rude and disrespectful to my people.
He's only ignoring them all because 1)they think he treats me bad and I deserve better and 2)he think's they're gonna "rip him a new one"...which IS NOT true. They accept whoever I am with, including this guy, no matter how he acts. As long as I love him, that's all that matters. But he is not treating them fair or nice...but he certainly is doing that for his exW's family.

Sasha's picture

LilT, you know I love ya girl, and I wouldn't do anything to hurt your feelings, but you gotta pick your battles here. From the outside looking in it appears as though you are trying to control every little nuance of FHs life (deciding who he should / should not be friends with, who's phone numbers are on his phone). You have to remember that men and women are totally different creatures. When a woman breaks up with a man, every little thing surrounding him gets wiped out of existence. Not so for men. I honestly think that if your FH was and has been friends with exBIL, even before he and the ex were married, he sees no reason to sever that relationship. I can almost guarantee he thinks his friendship with exBIL has nothing to do with exW. The golf thing? If he's been doing it for years it has more than likely become a tradition. Should he really have to stop just because you and he are engaged? You say he's making strides in therapy...have you told him that or are you picking on things that he hasn't done?

Now, I'm not saying that he shouldn't make the effort to be part of your family, because he should. Instead of telling him he shouldn't do the golf outing for Parkinson's, why don't you encourage him to do the "thing" (I'm assuming it's also golf?) for epilepsy as well, as in addition to? My point is that if you continue to exert control in everything he does, he WILL resent it and it will become a huge issue between you two.

If I were going to get PO'd about anything, it would definitely be the "immediate family" thing for MIL's internment.

Learn how to pick your battles. You need to decide which mountain you really want to die on cause honestly, some of this stuff, in the grand scheme of things is really just small potatoes.

lil_teapot's picture

I'm taking it in and going to digest it. Right now, I'm angry because if he was friends years ago, he doesn't seem like it now...they haven't talked in god knows how long and I've never met this guy, until the viewing of FH's mom last week--and nobody said "this is my good buddy so and so." Ya know?
I'm seeing my control issue here and you have a point, but I've gone all crazy with the control because I'm angry. I'm angry that he isn't respecting my people like his ex's...and that includes his 'old friend'. My/our friends are ignored by him. He doesn't like 'my' friends and has nothing to do with 'my' family. So before he goes out and rekindles old friendships to his exW's family, maybe he ought to handle his business at home first and be kind to my mom or talk to my bro? I'm not saying that in a rude way to you becasue I am truly thinking about what you had to say. I'm just saying that from what fh hasn't done for my family, I'm thinking he needs to handle them FIRST and worry about these ex-friends later.
I'm ok with the dis-invite to the internment because I'm not sure that fh's BIL is going either...and in any case, it just seems like him being a pouty little kid, which I can handle better than him not thinking of me as 'immediate family'...because he does think of me as immediate family--I'm not threatened in that way at all. It's all the ex-family crap that's got me flustered.
I'll keep thinking about what you said and see where I'm at fault in this too.
Thanks for keepin it real Sasha. Hugs, LT

2Bloved's picture

I don't know about you guys, but whenever I get a new cell phone, I have the phone company just transfer my entire address book over. In fact, I had a Nokia, and FH bought a Blackberry. I wanted his phone, so he bought another one and gave me the Blackberry. They transferred the phone book over from my phone, took his card and put it in his new phone. So, my phone book had all my numbers, plus all his numbers. Plus all his pictures, text messages, and so on. They weren't stored in his sim card.

Anyway, I recently got a Matrix, and had the guy transfer my phone book over. Except, all the numbers that transferred over were from two phones before, and all the ones I inputted in to the Blackberry did not transfer. I had numbers that I had not seen in two years on my new phone, and all my new numbers did not show up.

My point is that maybe he did not manually input these numbers, they were just transferred over from his old phone. Granted, he should not have bristled the way he did, but that's probably just him playing his man card. He probably pulled the "friend" crap b/c he wanted to make a stance, you know? I'd rather he have #'s from the ex family than ex girlfriends.

lil_teapot's picture

Verizon wouldn't transfer the numbers becasue he had lost his old phone so they supposedly didn't have a backup...so he put them in himself. He claimed one ex-neice was a skids tutor, but hello, it's like 2 years past now. Time to move on.