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Anyone with a good relationship w/adult SKs?

katietome's picture

Submitted by katietome on Wed, 07/17/2013 - 1:28pm

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Adult Stepchildren

I thought this might be a good place to ask this... but please keep it positive.

My BFF is a child of divorce. Her parents did it "right" and had a great relationship and the kids saw both parents as needed. My friend continued to have Tuesday night dinner with her dad and SM even after married and had kids.

Last year her dad died. BFF and SM continued their Tuesday night dinner every week, occasionally just the two of them, "the girls" when one of them happened to be missing her dad/husband the most.

Fast forward to about 18 months later and SM asked BFF if they could go out to eat just the two of them next week because SM would like BFF to meet her new friend. Turns out SM is dating again and really likes this guy. BFF is in her mid-30's and SM is in her late 40's... she was much younger than BFF's dad.

BFF is just heart broken. She doesn't want SM to move on. The mature adult side understands that she is being unreasonable and silly. But the child that lost her father wants to stomp her feet and throw a fit.

We talked about it and she is just sad. I told her to treat this like she would a friend's new guy, rather than her Other Mom's new guy. Get to know the guy and to give him a chance.

Any other thoughts?

Please don't tell me to tell her to grow up, she already knows that. She isn't a pampered princess I read about here.

THanks,
Kate

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Wed, 07/17/2013 - 1:35pm

Smile I think offering her a shoulder to cry on and let her know that you know it hurts but the right thing to do is to be supportive is the best thing you could offer her right now. I'm glad she has such a good relationship with her SM, I also know someone whose father died and she still visits her SM often and that's important.

svillemomof4's picture

Submitted by svillemomof4 on Wed, 07/17/2013 - 1:42pm

It is understandable that she is hurt, her SM wasn't just her dad's wife, she was her bonus mom. And since her father has been gone they have been there for each other, bonded over their grief. She should sit with her SM and explain to her that she wants her to be happy but that she is having a hard time accepting that SM is seeing someone new. That she feels she is losing her in a way. If she is open and honest then it will help them both. And hopefully her SM never pushes her away.
I am much younger than my DH and I fear that I will be in the same situation one day. I hope all goes well for your BFF and her SM. I am sorry for their loss!

New second wife-step-mom's picture

Submitted by New second wife... on Wed, 07/17/2013 - 3:08pm

It has been 18 months which is a respectable time for SM to move on but that might not make it easier for the SD.

My advice is to not go meet this guy until she is emotionally able to accept that her SM has moved on. Just kindly say "I am not being critical, I am just not ready to meet him yet".

Freshstart's picture

Submitted by Freshstart on Wed, 07/17/2013 - 5:54pm

This is a beautiful story for me to read. Thankyou for sharing it. I am so impressed that people can have these deep and enduring relationships. Divorced parents behaving well for example. SD and SM caring for each other.

Let her know that SM loves her and is trying to incorporate her in her new life.

Shoulder to cry on and listening is great for her too. you are a wonderful friend.

katietome's picture

Submitted by katietome on Thu, 07/18/2013 - 8:44am

Well thank you all! I had another conversation with her last night and shared these thoughts. She's goign to go and is going to try to have an open mind. She's just not ready LOL. I pointed out that SM may well be ready for another man in her life, but BFF is just not ready to replace her dad.

Thanks for the thoughts,

Kate