How should I handle this....
Let me recap this at the beginning, I am NOT a SM. I first found this site when I was getting serious with a man with kids. That ended, for the better. I started posting because I want my children with my XH to have a good relationship with their future SM and I want to know how to help foster that. As many posts on here show: the BM can make or break the SM/SK relationship. I truly believe that my children are better off with a good relationship, even a friendship with their father's wife.
Having said that.... I want to ask a question as a SK.
I have a very very limited relationship with my father. I have only met his current wife a few times in the past 6 years that they have been married. She was not in the picture when I was a kid. My father and I had a falling out when he had a series of affairs while married to my then-SM and then started being neglectful to my much younger siblings. I was a 20-something young woman and just couldn't excuse his behavior; so I walked away from a relationship with him. There are no hard feelings, he just isn't in my life.
Last week my uncle died. This uncle raised my father (he was 20+ years older than my father). Uncle Pete and I got along, but he never approved of how I dealt with my father and his affairs. So, no one called to tell me Uncle died. I heard about it on Facebook. Talk about cruddy way to find out someone you loved died.
My father's wife will not let up. She keeps posting messages on Facebook about my neglect to my father and on and on. I blocked her from my FB page, but she keeps posting it on my siblings pages. I *finally* figured out how to block it so I can't even see her comments other places, but now I'm getting harassing phone calls and my siblings are getting the brunt of it.
How do I deal with her? I don't want to drop this in my dad's lap. I'm not a heartless witch. The man is grieving. My XSM is going to have kittens if his current wife doesn't let up on the kids (my teen half-siblings are still minors). Better I deal with her/him then XSM does, but how on earth do I handle this without adding fuel to the fire.
If it helps any, his current wife thinks that I should step up and take over the "hard work" of the planning of everything. Um, Uncle had a wife. My dad and middle sibling are doing all the funeral planning with Auntie. No one wants my 1000+ mile away input!! I can't afford to go to the funeral. !?!?!?
Sigh, anyway thank you if you read this at all.
Kate
P.S. It *really* stinks to learn that a family member died via Facebook.
Write your Dad a heartfelt
Write your Dad a heartfelt note expressing your condolences for his loss. I know these are not the easiest things to write but make the effort. Write about what your uncle was like. Add some of your favorite memories. Believe me this kind of remembrance will mean more to your dad than any flowers, etc. Do not put in anything to justify yourself against what the SM says.
As for the SM - just ignore her. There's no way to placate her anyway. I am sorry you had to find out about the death via FB. I know how that feels. DH's ex wife did not tell him when their adult son died. He found out after the funeral.
Sounds like what they really want from you is money. Forget that.
I agree. Offer condolences,
I agree. Offer condolences, and addresss it to both Dad and SM. That way you are not leaving SM out. Then leave it alone - you've done your part considering the attention your Dad has given to you.
It is sad your SM has chosen to 'bad-mouth' you on facebook. Sounds like she has problems. Do not pay for anything.
Ouch, that would hurt!! I did
Ouch, that would hurt!!
I did write a note to my father and also my Auntie.
I think you may have hit the nail on the head..... I don't know why I didn't even think of it. My SM is a lot about money. I gave my Auntie a call and gave my sympathies. She's a sweet woman and loved him dearly. I asked if she was okay and if I could send anything. She said that Uncle prepared everything for her and she could retire now if she wanted (she is in her late 60's) but she doesn't plan to yet. She asked that any donation go in his name to the military organization he was fond of. So, I donated a small amount ($100).
About 4 hours later, I get a call and SM was going bonkers about people being rude and not helping on correct ways. :jawdrop: :?
I didn't even *think* about money being part of the problem! Sigh.
Kate
You misnderstand - I don't
You misnderstand - I don't think the major problem is money. Your Aunt seems satisfied with your $100 donation. The REAL problem is you are excluding your SM. You say you wrote to your Father. Did you address the note to both Dad and SM so SM was not excluded? Bet not!
Actually, the letter was
Actually, the letter was addressed both outside and in to both of them, Mr. & Mrs. John & Jane Smith. Just like the Christmas cards are every year. Formal and proper like Ms. Manners taught.
I'm not quite sure where you pick up that *I* have excluded my SM.
Kate
"I did write a note to my
"I did write a note to my father and also my Auntie." You did not mention that the note was sent to both Dad and SM. Glad to hear you did.
LOL, I don't like Dr. Laura
LOL, I don't like Dr. Laura much but I do agree with the thought!!
I actually had lunch with my father for the first time in over 10 years a few weeks ago. SM wasn't invited, not by my choice.
It's sad when a child meets their grandfather for the first time as a teenager. We've been local many times in the kid's lives but never to see him. Oh well.
Kate
I have no idea. I was
I have no idea. I was actually surprised. I thought she would be there.
Honestly, I am very firmly of the opinion that there is no separate life. A couple can go and do things without the other, but family is family. This has nothing to do with my own dating, but I've always believed this since my own teen years. I was the SD shut out and excluded from family vacations when I was a teen because my SM wanted a trip with just "her" family. I lived there 100% of the time. It hurt and was flat out wrong. The attitude that I wasn't apart of her family OR that she wasn't apart of my family contributed to a lot of the problems we had.
I didn't expect and more importantly don't expect to have a relationship with my father that would NOT include my SM. I was shocked that she didn't come.
Kate
What balls she has to expect
What balls she has to expect you to pay and make arrangements when nobody had the decency to notify you directly.
LOL, that was my
LOL, that was my thought.
Kate
Call your dad. Better than a
Call your dad. Better than a letter. Something else is up to drive a SM to doing that.
He has his phone off. Which
He has his phone off. Which is normal for him, he doesn't like to use the phone. I called my Auntie and talked wiht her briefly. She told me that she told SM to butt out and leave well enough alone.
Thanks,
Kate
^^^THIS^^^
^^^THIS^^^
LOL, normally... that is
LOL, normally... that is exactly what I would do. I'm a "take the bull by the horns" kind of gal. But, I'm just really unsure of how to handle this situation. I think I'm going to just ignore her and ignore the whole situation. I sent notes and talked to my Auntie. My father is taking Uncle's death harder than Auntie is. As much as I don't have a relationship with my father, I don't really want to add to his burden.
Thank you though,
Kate
LOL, well thank you! I'll be
LOL, well thank you!
I'll be honest. I was a *less* than stellar step-daughter back in the day! My poor XSM! We have a good relationship now and for the past 15 years or so... but I was *NOT* nice when I was a teen.
Part of that was her fault. Part of that was my father's fault. And, a larger part of that was *my* fault. I want to do anything and everything *I* can for my kids. Thankfully, my XH is in agreement and we co-parent well. I know I don't know everything and get some of the best help and wisdom from older moms who have BTDT.
Kate
LOL!! Thank you for your
LOL!! Thank you for your advice! I appreciate it!
Thankfully my kids aren't going to complain to me about chores and responsibilities!! They have *more* at my home then at his. I actually gripped at him after one visit (my gripe, he just laughed at me and agreed) because they did *zero* chores over the whole school break they were there. I'm not even sure our son showered (YUCK!!!). I don't believe in Disney dad anymore then the GF does! He just has a lazy streak and figured a week didn't matter. (YUCK!!!) After the visit GF and I had a phone "sit down" with him and ripped him a new one. In hind sight we laugh about it, thankfully, because... well... YUCK!!!!!
"Tell your kids regularly that they should be nice to SM. Tell kids regularly that they should offer to help SM and be thoughtful to her. Tell kids to express thanks to SM for the things she does for them and be sure to express thanks to her yourself. Say things like "it sure was nice of SM to take you to the movies, make your favorite dinner, buy you ice cream etc., come to your school program" to your kids regularly."
Wow!!! Okay, see, I tell my kids *and* insist my kids do this regularly anyway to everyone in their lives!!!! I have to remind my teenage DS (who has high-functioning autism and doesn't understand social cues naturally) regularly to say thanks to his teachers when they do something extraordinary for him. At this point we (XH and I) are instructing the kids to think of GF as a friend/friend's parent. If she is the adult in charge, she is no different than a friend's parent. They are expected to do what is asked of them, just as they would with any other adult we leave them with. My DD and the GF are actually starting to become friends, but we have to have the boundary of respect because she is an adult and DD is NOT!
Anyway, thank you for your input. I know I am not perfect and I want my kids to grow up without the issues I had and NONE of the problems we see here LOL!!
Kate