Sigh...need help w/adult SS
Married 3 yrs, together for 8. Step Son (now) 22 still lives at home. He is and has been completely disrespectful, rude and hurtful to me. He states to us he refuses to respect me not even basic common courtesy. He also would rather cook all his own meals then say TY every now and then. Little things like:
He places bloody / dirty hunting gear on my light colored carpet. So I moved few feet to hardwood floor trying not to engage. He moved it back, this went on a few times so I asked him to please keep the gear off the carpet..he lost it. This stuff happens all the time.
To live in a home environment with so much disrespect and hatred is alot. My spouse does NOTHING to support me in this and refuses to get in middle. but he won't kick him out.
I do need to mention, I have PTSD from past abuse from previous long term marriage and my SS is a major trigger with his BS.
I feel completely on my own here and outside of me moving out and leaving my spouse..I dont know what else to do.
(Alot more examples of abuse from SS, just trying to keep post short)
This ^^^^
2LivFree if your DH won't, you must protect yourself from SS!!
Geeze! This sounds like a miserable existence, & I'm sorry...
Your DH is a piece of work, which, as you know, is why his son is as well.
What is the reason he is still living off his daddy, figuratively sucking that hind tit? Who does that? On top of it, who demonstrates such lack of, first, basic SELF-RESPECT?
Why will you DH not man up and put this man-child out on his own? Let me guess, "divorced daddy guilt." What does he say when you come to him and voice your concerns? And FYI, he's not "in the middle" nor would he be if he took charge. He's conflict avoidant. Conflict and boundaries need not be ugly, however, if nobody does anything, the insanity will not only continue, but it will get ramped up, as there has been no consequence in place.
I completely understand the PTSD. Been there.
You have the right to be treated with respect, to exclude toxic people from your life, and to expect fundamental respect. Does your DH not get this? Does SS behave this way with his father?
I would let my feelings be known, and layout the framework, along with intended consequences. If push came to shove, I'd file a restraining or protective (they're different) order against him and get him out of the home. I have heard of women filing orders against their DH's for enabling the behaviors, and their SKs for doing the behaviors. Both thrown out to figure it out, while the wife lives peacefully in the home.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this.
How can you even stand to
How can you even stand to look at your DH? He's not avoiding "getting in the middle", he's actively enabling his son to disrespect you. This would be a deal breaker for me.
You have a husband problem.
You have a husband problem. If he can't or won't protect you, then you have three choices: stay miserable, end the marriage, or lace up your bi!ch boots and handle the problem yourself.
What are the details of your living situation? Do you own your home, or rent? Are you on the deed, help pay the mortgage, etc?
You need to get your financial ducks in a row, and then have a come to Jesus talk with your H. Tell him one way or another this stops - either the adult skids goes, or the marriage ends. If he claims he wants to salvage the marriage but for some reason is too afraid to boot his abusive brat, then you get to be the one to do it.
Put the terrorist's stuff in trash bags on the curb and change the locks while he's gone. Don't hesitate to call the police or file for an order of protection. It sounds like this punk has no respect for either of you and contributes nothing positive, so sever things quickly and completely.
More info
Yes, we need more info. If you have any interest in the home get a restraining order on SS and throw his a$$ to the curb and change the locks. If DH doesn't man up suggest he follow SS out the door. If you are not on the deed, start saving up for an exit plan.
SOOO many of us have attempted to cope with 'Balless DH syndrome'. Not your problem to contend with. Stand firm and create boundaries for both DH and SS - now. And take it from me - give DH one and only one chance to change his views on his responsibility as a husband. I have given my DH numerous chances to get it. Big mistake.
Reply
Thank you everyone for your comments. I agree 1000% that he is enabling his sons poor behavior towards me. I also agree that he has Daddy guilt. His kids actually stated that if he stuck up for me that they would never speak to him again. This feared him greatly.
I do love my husband, But this part of him makes me ill. I do hold him accountable and responsible for a part of his son's behavior. My SS is 22 years old in college living at home. Old enough to have his crap together and not treat me with such disrespect and abuse.
I have spoken to my husband about this several times and like I stated he wants to stay out of it. The problem with this is that his son continues to be extremely disrespectful an mean.
I have lost my cool several times and insisted on a better life and home environment with no change. My stress level is through the roof and I find myself becoming more distant from my Husband because of his enabling. I also feel that he must not have much respect for me if he continues to let his son treat me with such poor behavior.
So here I am questioning my whole relationship and that breaks my heart. I don't want to leave my husband but I don't wanna live in the same home as my stepson anymore. I would move out but my daughter has a very rare medical condition and having a roof over her Head and the finances to take care of Is more important to me.
So my question is all you stepparents out there, How do I live in this environment and not die emotionally inside?
You go grey rock... who cares
You go grey rock... who cares about the carpet.. let the kid do whatever. Create your sanctuary within the home.. make plans to escape with your daughter.. save money.. don't pay a dime towards anything for his kids... figure out health insurance.. do what you need to do. Your daughter has a father too doesn't she?
WHAT??!!!
"I have spoken to my husband about this several times and like I stated he wants to stay out of it." Guess what? DH was in the middle of it before you ever met him. Don't let him pawn his responsibility on to you. Stand firm and let DH know he had better handle this or he will be faced with a divorce. SS has to go. Now.
I know you are really between a rock and a hard spot with your DD but look into other options than staying in a marriage where SS takes precedence over you. There must be other programs you can look into so DD is cared for and you are not abused.
Your H is treating this as a
Your H is treating this as a dispute between siblings, which means you have been demoted from adult to child in this relationship.
Since you must stay for your daughter's health, I agree with straping on your b!tch boots and evicting SS from the house.
I would start saving up to
I would start saving up to get my own place, and let DH know that either his Precious Prince is gone within 6 months or I'm moving out. Let him know he has clearly decided he'd rather lose you than lose his kids, so you will help him out with that.
What a wimp. Blech.
Remind him a divorce is far more expensive and painstaking
than kicking his sorry offspring's ass to the curb.
Even if you give him this ultimatum, he most likely will not want to suffer the financial obliteration, embarassment and everything else divorce brings.
Staying for your daughter's health is understandable to a degree, but it will be a trade off. Your health will suffer for sticking it out for her health. It's a no win situation.
Looks like absolutely nothing has changed
I read - actually re-read because I commented on it, your post.
Not much has changed I see, just gotten worse.
I do not know your finances, but you say your daughter needs him to help provide for her, so thats your main motivator. Well, you are actually in a power position yourself because you are married. He would be responsible for alimony, plus he would lose his assets. A powerful motivator to make things work.
After having an extremely LONG discussion with not so DH, tell him that if he doesnt stick up for you, you will be sticking up for yourself. Tell him you will be changing locks and SS is no longer welcome in YOUR home (because you are married it is indeed your home.)
As your wife, you are to be treated with respect. Get some nanny cams or recording devices if he needs proof. Take photos, whatever. If he still refuses to have your back, change the locks! If your husband refuses to kick the ungrateful cretin out, then you must be the one to do it. HIs own mother doesnt like him.
Thank you
Thank you all so much for your responses. I know what I have to do...I deserve much, much better. And so does my daughter.
'He places bloody / dirty
'He places bloody / dirty hunting gear on my light colored carpet. So I moved few feet to hardwood floor trying not to engage. He moved it back, this went on a few times so I asked him to please keep the gear off the carpet..he lost it.'
Pour bleach over them (or anything else which will permanently wreck them) then put them in the bin. Sorted.