Hi Shannon61,

You might find your frustration decreases once she has left is no longer causing you grief or reminding you of it each day. Once she causes less problems you'll have less reason to feel that resentment. It's hard to be okay with someone when they still cause problems.

Something you should consider is making sure she can't continue to drive you nuts in new ways once she's left. You should talk to your partner about whether she should continue having a key, or when is it okay/ not okay for her to pop in unannounced. I'm not trying to make issues where there are none - It may just be worthwhile making sure you and your partner are on the same page from the get go.

Hope this is useful!

Delilah

My annoyance with SS went way down after he moved out. He is on the path to being an actual productive grownup, and I try to stay focussed on that whenever old feelings of annoyance start up. Which it does, every time he calls or comes to visit. This is mostly my problem, and I outwardly welcome SS. And every now and then I actually enjoy his company. I am hoping my relationship with him gets easier over time. But it's hard.

Part of the annoyance though is a reaction to DH's ongoing behavior of jumping out of his own skin to accommodate whatever his kids need whenever they need it. Let a phone call from them go to voicemail? A text message wait for response? Are you kidding?

Hi Shannon, I am not sure I share your feelings or not. I do not like my BF's 23 y/o daughter. It makes me extremely hesitant about going forward with a man I truly love. I can not like everyone and everyone is not going to like me. I hate going to family events, especially ones focused on her. Let me explain, she HATES me. I tried and tried to reach out to her, include her, feed her, compliment her, find common ground. All of my efforts were ejected and she tells her father I am manipulative and insecure. Amazing how a 23 year old virgin (nothing wrong with that), who has never had a romantic relationship can have so much insight and introspect into our adult, loving and very giving relationship. I pray for God to soften my heart and maybe one day He will and I will have a better understanding. I look over my past relationships and I can not think of anyone in my true inner circle I starteed out on the wrong foot with.

Shannon...
I was in a somewhat similiar situation, living with an adult SD for almost a year. She finally moved out, back to her BM, after I left a note on her bathroom door, explaining that I cleaned her bathroom and expected her to keep it that way, cleaning it once a week. I wish I had done it months earlier! She was a college drop out, twice...earned no credits, as far as we know, lied to her dad about her classes (dropped them and never told him), and stuck her father with her student loans...in excess of $20,000. She has worked about 4 days in her life, and we don't know why that job ended. Based on her track record, I would assume she may have been fired. On top of her lazy ways, never even visited or inquired about her dad when he was in the hospital for surgery for cancer. I had to tell her to call her dad. Her response was that she didn't want to bother him. Sometime after she moved out I went through DH financials and discovered he was giving her enormous amounts of money on a monthly basis. After I did my 'snooping', I worried about how to present the info to DH. But I knew if I didn't tell him what I found, I would start to resent him. In the meantime, I had contributed a large amount of money for the downpayment of our house and another large amount of money...50K to get him out of debt from his former married life. He had no idea that he was giving his daughter that much money on a monthly basis. We sat down together and agreed on a monthly amount until her 21st birthday...which is this month! Hopefully her allowance has been put in her account yesterday (June 1st), and that is the end of her free ride. She is on his car insurance until November, as that will be time for renewal, and he won't carry her anymore. He also transferred the title to 'her' car, that he gave her, to her name. That way if anything happens, he has no liability. Up to the time I did my snooping he was also paying off her credit card, that she had managed to charge $1700.00 in one weekend. Now, his name is not affiliated with that card and she has to pay off the card with her monthly allowance!

I have three Bio's of my own...all teens. One going to be a sophmore in college, one a freshmen and a freshmen in HS. Not that I am an authority on teens, but I have 3 of my own so I have a little experience. My college age kids know that if they don't make the grade, the bucks STOP. The two older ones work part time jobs and even the 14 year old has caddied to earn some money. That's one thing that my ex and I agree on...we stand behind them, but if they're not decent students and/or don't have a job, there will no longer be any hand outs. There comes a point that kids have to experience tough love. My SD is finally getting to a point where she has to get off her butt and do something, she will no longer be on daddy's payroll.

So, to answer your original question...'do you stop resenting them when they move out?' In my case, no. I have seen how she played her dad and how much she got away with. I have put money into a future with my DH, her dad. He/we will be paying that student loan of hers forever. I am not legally obligated, but the money he pays comes out of our funds. I still resent her very much, as she is doing NOTHING to go forth in the world as an independent young woman. Her aspiration is to be the lead singer in a rock band. That is well and good, but she needs to have something else to fall back on, and get her head out of her a$$. At least start making moves to make her dream come true! So, I still have a lot of resentment towards SD at this time. When she changes her ways, I hope my resentment will subside. It is also interesting that SD doesn't communicate with DH on a regular basis and no birthday wishes, no Happy father's day, etc.

My guess would be you do and you don't. Separation is a gift, but they certainly never go away. May be the generation, may be the economy. They always seem to need something on a weekly basis. A new transmission, rent, a babysitter, free food, a car, money, car insurane etc etc. I have not asked my parents for anything since I was 21 and tried not to at 18. Granted, these are hard times, but the kids always will compete, it seems that whatever is coming your way from the dad, be it love, money, a gift, a vacation, time, they want it. It never occurred to me I could have been that manipulative as a child...

Shannon, after a lot of thought, I realized I am not cut out for all this drama. I am preparing to have the "talk" w/BF this weekend. Unfortunately he lives with me so it will be messy. He did not do anything wrong and I am not so sure if the kids did. They behaved as he allowed them, he gave into their needs as he loves them. The daughter was rude to me out of being insecure, not liking me and no one ever told her as a child not to behave that way. When I am the only one feeling this badly, maybe I am the broken spoke here. I would rather be alone than suffer in silence or state my feelings and then feel guilty. I quit. I am sorry but I do not want every weekend planned around his kids, every holiday around his kids, every free dollar flying to his kids. The straw that broke the camels back was yesterday I called BF at lunch and he was in tears (he cries at Forest Gump and I like that!). I asked him what was wrong. His ex-wife, alcoholic, unemployed, mom who the son with children will not speak to her or allow her in his home, stated she had lost everything...Ya think. After being divorced for 8 years and separated for 4 prior to that emotions should be in check. We all make our destiny and I am about to change mine. The one valuable thing I learned was to never underestimate the bond of a family, broken or in tact.

I must say that SD21 and SS23 live at the other end of the country and I don't really speak to them. We aren't on bad terms though. However, I have a SD6 and SS3 and they are harder work as still rely on daddy so can't wait until they find their own feet!

Yes the anxiety and resentment fades after the adult SK moves out.  At least it did for me.  But they are still generally around and in the picture, even if you don't see or talk to them regularly.  Bratty McBratFace always has some problem brewing.  Yesterday's drama, for example, was her car stereo getting stolen.  I tune it out the best I can and it is definitely better than her living here!