Guilt Parenting 2.0 -Help!

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Any advice on how to deal with the Guilt-Parenting when the SKID visits.

I had a handle on it for most part. Pseudo-SS9 shows up, DH goes into his "trance" where he thinks whole world is to cater to this kid. It's almost the "DisneyDad" thing but I did finally make progress to nip that "we must go everywhere/do everything he wants" situation in the bud. Since then, I pretty much ignore DH when he gets into this trance. BUT this year it has been particularly bad because the Wildebeest BM has remarried as of February and due to give birth to a baby next Month.

For some reason, this very common occurrence has been deemed so sensitive and catastrophic because SS9 is an only child. It was a full out situation when he had to give up his "play den" as the 4th bedroom has now become the Nursery. *Gasp* And for the past few weeks, he's been in trouble at least 2 times per week at Summer Camp. Obviously the convenient reason is that "he's having trouble adjusting to knowing he's not going to be the center of attention" anymore. Sigh.

He's coming today for his 3rd week-long visit this Summer and he was in trouble nearly everyday last week so it's increasing. DH has left to go get him and has already text me 3 times asking if I've gone to the Store yet and do I have "appa duce" and Pringles and the typical junk SS9 likes to eat. I told him I'm working as usual and don't stop until at least 3p when my deadlines lighten up. He gets an attitude saying he'll stop and get it himself & now it won't be cold, blah blah. This is a bad sign that he's already in the damn Trance. Apparently he feels SS9 just can't 'take anymore trauma' right now.

It's a damn Sibling--what's so traumatic about it!? BM didn't pay him much attention to begin with and now its going to be even less but that doesn't mean the rest of the world has to roll out a red carpet and walk on eggshells to appease a kid. DH expects that he'll get to eat whatever and as much of it as he wants, lay around and drink juice by the gallon, watch every Cartoon he wants, etc. He even gets mad if we go to a restaurant and it's out of something SS9 wanted b/c that 'lets him down'. UGH! I'm old school I guess in that cajoling every discomfort or emotion a kid has is not critical. SS9 has been talked to appropriately about arrival of baby, allowed to voice his concerns, air his feelings and supposedly there's a plan in place by BM and her Husband to make sure SS9 still gets attention. That's enough as far as I'm concerned.

So DH kicking his "If only I'd been in his life FT Guilt" makes no sense. It's not his Bio-child so he has no rights other than when BM uses him for babysitting & money ($3,200 so far this year). SHE opted for the divorce after she had the affair the created the kid. Yet he still thinks HE could have done something more to make sure he was with the kid FT. When DH job of 25 years transferred us 4 hours away last Spring, he had a fit. It hasn't stopped much as he just drives 2.5 hrs every other weekend, on holidays and all through the Summer to meet her to get him. He went into deep guilt about 'leaving him'. Last Month he turned down a big promotion that would've pushed him to 6 figures because it would've meant moving to Nashville and 7 hours drive away is too far from SS9 in NC. Sigh... He's worked extremely hard and this is second time he's turned down a major promotion because of the kid and they are about to blacklist him again and he'll be stuck where he is which he doesn't want. Anyway, I digress... Just pointing out how bad his guilt is and how far he goes to try to make every visit super duper special.

I try to stay disengaged and hands-off and I don't allow it to impact me as in DH knows that I no longer deal with the tip-toeing. He will have rules here and he will be a kid, not a Man, in my house. But it's harder and harder to deal with DH when he's doing it. It's such a turn off in every way to see a grown ass man running around bent over behind a kid like he's a damn houseboy. Making his breakfast, his bed, getting his juice every time he asks while he's stretched out on the couch like he's the man of the house, etc all the things SS9 knows how to do for himself. Yet when DH gets frustrated he'll say "I need to be around more to make a man out of him; he's too soft and should know how to do this or that". UHM, You cater to him like he's 4- of course he's a little brat who does nothing but lay around and let you do his bidding!

So long long story short, other than leaving the house for a week (which I can't do), I need ways to disengage not only from the Skid but from DH! Help!!

I do agree with Foxie! But

I do agree with Foxie!
But tread lightly,
I don't know where you are, but in my state there's laws that would make your DH responsible for pseudo-ss simply because he took responsibility for a certain length of time. I always thought this was absurd but after reading your OP where DH is paying $3500 per month to BM its logical (from the standpoint of the government) to make the person who has been paying to keep paying so the state doesn't have to pay.

Not that it makes sense (from the standpoint of what seems just and fair) for a non bio parent to carry the financial burden of the absent parent but no one cares about that.

If this were my DH I think I'd have come down on him hard prior to marriage and if he wouldn't budge I'd probably not have married him. But since you can't undo the past, I'd ask DH how he would manage if the two of you ever decided to start a family. If S's is so traumatized now what's gonna happen then?

What the hell is appa-duce

What the hell is appa-duce please don't tell me that this 9 year old child calls that apple juice my god!!!! What is wrong with these parents. Why do they have to treat this kids like such babies it drives me wild. Mine does the same thing it's ridiculous. And when sd comes back from bm oh lord!!!! This woman spoon feeds her wipes her ass and carries her 24/7 let me tell you the de programming that goes on when she comes back and she is 5!!!! These parents do not look at the bigger picture and the types of people these kids are going to be in the future. Sorry for the rant. As for the trama of a sibling....millions of people have siblings some good some bad get over it....whew I feel better lol

What the hell is appa-duce

At 9 yrs old really???? Oh

At 9 yrs old really???? Oh Foxie what will we do?

Ya I don't do baby talk

Ya I don't do baby talk mostly I ignore it and quite frankly if you want to do that I will go out and get you pampers

Yes, appa duce is how he

Yes, appa duce is how he pronounces Apple Juice. And 'Da'e' is his way of saying Daddy. Drives me nuts. It's not even baby-talk; he has a broad vocabulary and too precocious but he just flubs up certain words. I thought he'd grow out of it but he hasn't in 5 years so...

I do vent my frustration here but I feel sorry for the brat. His Wildebeest created him out of her deceitful actions which is not his fault and neither of them have told him the truth about DH not being his Bio. DH was going to but then this whole baby/remarriage thing occurred and he feels that's enough 'upsets' for now. So I am/was tolerant of DH and the kid for most part as I try not to take stuff out on the kid. BUT like I said, I will not hand-hold, cajole and baby him either which is how DH would want it. And it's sickening to me to watch DH do it, whether Bio or not. As was said, Parents need to think about who these kids are going to be when they grow up, when they are catered to in such extremes.

It takes me longer and longer to "recover" from these visits because DH goes so far that it's like I don't even see him as sexy or manly anymore. It's very sexy and manly for a man to be a good Dad, but to be a b*tchy Dad who gets mad at the world when they don't lay down at the boys feet, ugh. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I've bluntly told him that it's a turn off and nothing changes. He has spurts of manliness if I point it out while it's happening but doesn't do anything differently. It's just hard to find any joy at all in the whole thing anymore...

It's leaning that way. It's

It's leaning that way. It's like having a pebble in your shoe--uncomfortable at first but left unattended it starts to feel like a boulder, festering, blistering and bleeding so it's accumulating and my feelings towards him are ...changing. I believe it's admirable what hes doing but how he does it and why he does it is a real issue and if this marriage ends, this will be why.

No, I didn't sign a vow, lol. I have urged him and found all this supporting research from kids born in this case who are now grown and from adopted kids who weren't told and the trouble from that is almost guaranteed. 95% of them say it's better they know very young and professionals agree but still, they say nothing. She doesn't want to explain her whoredom and DH doesn't want to lose his much-needed need to be needed.

I told DH I won't lie about it or try to help them cover it up. And I don't. When he's asked or made a comment around me, I've said something neutral -no lie or no truth- very uncomfortable but it's not my place to tell him. But he's going to find out in a very rude way if one of them don't step up as other kids definitely don't know how to bite their tongue. Just ready for it all to be done with so maybe it'll put things in perspective for DH and the charade can be over as to all of this catering and trying to earn a place in this kids life.

No, I mean its not my placed

No, I mean its not my placed to tell SS9 that DH is not his Bio-Father. I tell him something neutral if he brings it around me when DH is not around. Otherwise, I've long battled with DH about the issues for at least 3 years now. (Took a while for all the details to come out and all the issues to reveal themselves and once they did, I started in on how we could fix them). I worked on myself in process too, learning how to manage & see where I may be wrong, may be missing big picture, etc. But I don't bite my tongue with DH about this stuff. And I have surmised that DH is not clueless, just chooses not to do anything much about it.

I would be super pissed its

I would be super pissed its crazy maybe this kid needs to see a speech therapist. But to get pissed at u cus your at work and haven't picked up stuff for the kid....uh no!!! As for it not being cold there are things called ice cubes or did he lose the recipe

Yes, I know where it comes

Yes, I know where it comes from and yes he needs counseling which he's promised to get for over a year now to no avail. You know how they say we marry the Parent who was most influential to us, good or bad? That's what DH did. His Ex is his Mother right down to birthing babies out of affairs while married and not telling the Fathers about the Babies or the Babies about the Fathers. DH is oldest of 3 boys. He's 43 and his Mother to this day won't tell him who his Father is. She was putting him up for adoption at age 2 and her Mother found out, went and stopped it and raised him until he was 17 when she got Dementia and died. She left DH $20K and the Mom stole it-- same as BM, all about money. His brother is 41 and she just told him his Fathers name LAST MONTH b/c he basically cornered her and forced her to. He was born of an affair while she was married to someone else -just like BM- and he's the only child she raised. The baby brother is 38 and his Father took him straight from Hospital and moved all the way to CA. He never knew their Mom until he was 9 and DH and his Brother was never told about him until then. That baby brother has nothing to do with the Mom and neither does DH. When she opted to not accept SS9 as a Grandkid, he cut her off completely for most part. I've only seen her two times in 5 years (both times she asked for money) and she hasn't seen SS9 since he was few Months old.

I've pointed out in line item fashion the exactness between how his BM acts and treats him and how is Mom acts and has treated him. Both are just money hungry, disregard for Men, put on fronts, controlling. He sees it and talks about counseling but never does it. I'm learning he's just doing that enough to put me off from leaving him.

So DH has some unresolved Mom issues, unknown Dad issues and he is repeating the Cycle. He knows the child has the right to know who his real Father is and BM has robbed the guy of a chance to be a Dad. And DH knows that because he and SS9 are totally different Races, he's going to find out -they've ignored his inquiries or lied to him about it for years- so I think he's just trying to buy and earn his way to stay in SS9 life, after he finds out, just to fill his own voids.

It's a pitiful mess and that's why I have tried to be tolerant and understanding but this is out of hand now and not getting any better. We all have issues and we can't live our lives ignoring them and perpetuating pains -we have to step up and deal with them and do the right things for right reasons, not out of pains we haven't dealt with. If DH was whole, he'd still be able to be this child's Father figure but he could do it in a way that was much more honest and balanced, not skewered, sneaky and over the top as he does now. He wouldn't allow himself to be so used and manipulated and would make sure BM understood that his goodness was his choice & she better appreciate it. But it's not that way.. it's all take and take and take and manipulate and because he's not dealing with his pain, he lets it go on...

Girlfriend, you could have

Girlfriend, you could have just said this much and would've been dead on!! "Lack of foresight is just so blinding and poisonous for these people. They'll take the short-term high in lieu of the long-term consequences..... until the long-term consequences sink in. And then it's "oh shit, if only I could go back and do it all over". Game over, too late."

I can Totally see this happening!
Probably the biggest Oh Shit they are going to face is the consequences of not telling him about his bio father. That's some BS right there for real and they will have to deal with it and soon! He's getting too old to believe the lies...

They will have to deal with it all and it's not going to be pretty...

Again, you are correct: "By

Again, you are correct: "By default, my motives were put under the microscope because I was the second wife. If I had been his pastor, or his buddy, perhaps he would have been more willing to listen. But he wasn't going to listen to me."

I'm fully aware that I'm the "outsider" to this little situation they had set up before me. And that's fine. But I'm here now and in it and have to live with this so I have a right as a Wife, I don't care if I was #25, to have my voice. I've told him several times that if his friends were saying same things I say to him, he'd not be so offended. I'm not telling him anything outlandish and I'm not being 'hard' or the Evil StepMom but if this kid is going to be around, he's going to live by some rules, period. When he grows up, he's going to be a nightmare (like I've seen in the Adult board) and I just be damned if I'm going to spend my older years dealing with the miscellaneous buttwipe of a grown up because they won't raise him now while he's young. Not happening!

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Guilt Parenting 2.0 -Help!