Is this a big deal?
SD27 hates me with a passion. When she called this morning, she wanted to let DH know that GrandD had a ballgame tonight. DH says "I'll see what I'm doing tonight". I have asked him (so many times that I've lost count) to please say "We'll see what we're doing". We are a couple - he is no longer a single man. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? It really hurts when he does it, and by now, you'd think he'd remember to say it. But, then again, everytime he talks to her, it's like he's under a trance.
Oh, and by the way, this is the same SD that has been saying things about me in front of her 3 year old. We took him to school last week, and while we were in the car he said, "My mom doesn't like you" (to which I said, well that's too bad) and then "My mom says you're a BITCH!" - I had him repeat it because I couldn't believe it came out of his mouth - he's 3! When DH questioned SD about it, she denied saying it and said he's always saying things like that. Like my BD16 said - what does she think that DH is stupid?
Actually, SD calls DH and
Actually, SD calls DH and asks him to do it (it's the only time she calls him all week). He always wants me to go because otherwise I can't have any type of relationship with them. Like tonight - we had talked about GD coming over to spend the night, but didn't completely discuss it. I have finals this weekend, and he and I both know that if she stays, not only will SH not be home when she's supposed to pick her up, but that I will be responsible for her all day.
One thing that I think is odd (and kind of funny) with DH behavior. When he does this and I tell him that it hurts me because he did it again - he gets all lovey. Comes over and kisses me, tells me how pretty I am, and that he loves me...he knows damn well what he's doing - and when he's screwed up - so why does he, after 2 1/2 years, keep screwing up the SAME things?
He's not screwing up. He
He's not screwing up. He knows he can get away with what he's doing. If you get upset, all he has to do is kiss you, say the right things and everything will be fine.
No matter what he does, he still gets to have the relationship he wants to have with is daughter and granddaughter. He also gets to have you do what he wants you to do.
Why would he change? All of his wants and needs are being met.
By itself, it's not such a
By itself, it's not such a big deal, but my experience as a SM is that the unpleasantness is made up of lots of small things. This example being one of them. I also found my DH's attitude in this regard hurtful: one example that really sticks in my mind is DH would always refer to our home as "my house" instead of "our house", I'm sure there were many more.
SD is happy to dismiss you and it seems that DH is going along with it by mentioning only himself and his own plans instead of both of you as a couple.
I've been trying to disengage
I've been trying to disengage from 3 of his 5 kids for awhile - the oldest SD is the hardest because she's the most evil - I've been giving her too much power for too long, and it's really hard to get that power back. She has contaminated just about every relationship I have with his kids - doing things from spreading lies about me, accusing me of things of things I haven't done or said. She has this sick need to make sure that everyone is on her side.
What makes it harder is that DH and I have a BD14mths. I wish that I could just go away when the Skids are here, but why should I have to wake BD from a nap, or pack her up and leave every time they come around. I wish we lived in our own house (that wasn't "Daddy's" house from the beginning), so I would have more say about when they come over & then I can plan to be gone. I could say when they stop - "You know, we are in the middle of something - now isn't a good time for a visit.", or "BD is sleeping - how about if DH calls you when she wakes up and then you all can visit". Or I wish we'd move far away, so then we would always know when they were coming. Now they just show up and walk in - help themselves to whatever food and drink from the fridge, and feel free to glare at me, or make snarky comments (only when Daddy isn't around).
Sounds like the same thing
Sounds like the same thing that i am going through of course when confronted they always have some extravagant pathetic ridiculous lie to cover there actions. My SD who is 27 has done the same thing to me and my husbands 3 year old daughter she comes home from there saying that my SD doesn't like us that we r mean then she says mommy and daddy ur mean to SD. it is not right nor fair. this is the reasoning behind why i will not allow her to see my daughter anymore. I don't think a 3 year old should be subjected to that kind of behavior and ugliness. sorry your going through this its hard I know trust me! and it's hard to keep your mouth shut to your husband i'm sure. wish i could tell you it was going to get better but most likely it won't she will continue to hold a trance over your husband until he puts a stop to it your kinda shit out of luck. really sad that adult Step children act in the ways they do.
You have a 14month old BD.
You have a 14month old BD. Do you want some of her first sentences to be "mommy's a bitch"? It's so obvious looking at it as a mother if not a wife -- you say you wish you could just get out when the skids come. But you have to get your child away from this! Otherwise, later she will be either directly verbally abused by these people or they will abuse her by enlisting her into the team that disses you! Either way you have to protect her. I would suggest, plan A, save the marriage and get the skids out, keeping the home as a shelter for you and your daughter. Maybe do this via direct conversations with DH, counselling, whatever. Or, plan B, sorry but you do have to be a separate household with your BD in order to ensure she has a caring environment for her upbringing. So, separation from DH. Either way you have to take action. Consider your child's developmental milestones and use them as deadlines for when you will have provided her with a good environment, and put it to hubs that way IMO. He can't neglect his daughter like this or, if so, you'lll step in.
In the meantime, whenever
In the meantime, whenever they visit in future, make yourself a promise to never be in a room on your own with them.
Talking to DH about this is
Talking to DH about this is pointless. I tried to talk to him yesterday about how he and his 5 kids are this exclusive clique. I've tried for 2 1/2 years to get in, but am not wanted. I told him that because of his actions, he has left BD and I out of the clique, and that he definitely treats his BK different than ours. He said that was unfair, and not true. But, I see it.
We've seen 4 counselors about this...he still doesn't see the writing on the wall - when we argue, he continually brings up "We've seen 4 counselors who have told you there is a difference between parental and marital love". "If I lived with OSD, I would have problems with her and wouldn't put up with her crap. I treat my BK different than you (DW) because I don't live with them and see them everyday(YSD lives with us)".
If I would say to him what you said Poodle, he would go through the roof - he is doing nothing wrong. It's all me.
I'll turn that around though!
I'll turn that around though! If there is a difference between parental and marital love, then how about this. Whilst you'll tolerate the abuse to you for the sake of your marital love, you won't tolerate the abuse to your daughter for the sake of parental love. There is a difference indeed! And one that entitles you to get some action!
Wow this SD needs to be put
Wow this SD needs to be put in her place, stat!! Don't EVER participate in helping with HER kids, if that is how she talks about you!! Tell her off one time, to where she is afraid to start anything with you!! Give it back to her-!!! Forget whether your DH will like it, this is another girl, talking shit about you??!!!
I would also make sure the child gets in trouble for saying things like that-!! Make him stand in the corner, he deserves it and don't take the excuse that SD is telling him to say it, he is saying it!! Help the kid, its apparently too late for the B*tch SD!!
Why don't you get in your DH's face and say, you need to include me, we are MARRIED!!! You do need to stand up for yourself. Take control of your life-!!!! Don't get sad, get MAD and raise hell, until this stops-!!!!!