Why is my DH such an A*****E?
I've been lurking for awhile, and am finally furious enough that if I don't get this out, I might kill him. A little history - DH and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. He had sole custody of his five children for 12 years before we got married. So, lucky me, I have: SD, 27, SS, 25 (he's great), twin SS (21 - one of them I adore) and SS, 20. I have a BS, 21, BD, 16, and BD, 12. We had a surprise last March and have a 13 month old daughter together.
His kids have been awful from the get-go. There is so much baggage it's pathetic. Anyway, we are having some trust issues - he doesn't tell me things and makes me look like an idiot in front of his kids. Tonight was the last straw. He apparently made plans to take his 20 year old to the allergist (she is just learning how to do things herself - it took us being married over a year before she could pick up her own prescriptions). He has to have lab work done, as well as our 13 month old. He doesn't bother to tell me he's taking SD to her doctor's appointment, and leads me to believe that he and I are taking BD when he goes in the morning. I'm sitting in our bedroom, and SD comes in whining about the appointment and that she doesn't know where it is. I tell her dad what address was on the letter, and he puts me off. Then, in front of her, he says, "I can take BD to have her blood work done tomorrow, since you're babysitting (I'm watching one of the grandkids). I said, "how are you going to handle her getting her work done and what will you do with her while you're having yours done"? He sheepishly says, "Oh well, I'm going with SD to the allergist tomorrow...I thought SD could help me out". Are you kidding me? SD KNOWS he didn't tell me. We've been going to counseling for this exact thing for months now. Why does he feel it necessary to keep me in the dark? Want to hear his reason? "Because I knew that if I told you I was taking her, it might lead to a fight because you think she's old enough to do things on her own". No, you moron...we're fighting now because you conveniently forget to tell me things that are happening in our own house. I've had it.
I am so sick of him being a puss. His kids control him, and it's pathetic. He sure isn't the man I thought I married...I'm not so sure there is any man in him. You want to know the best part? He's in the hot seat, and turns it around on me - now he's downstairs in his study pouting because he's MAD AT ME! We had to go outside to have a discussion about it, because the same SD listens to EVERYTHING that is said between us and cries about how much stress it causes her when we fight. Before we came in, he asked me what I wanted him to do about what he did. I said I wanted him to tell SD what he did in front of me, so he can be as humiliated as I am. He made some comment about a pound of flesh (he's a pastor - I figure it's some Bible reference), and got mad. I told him I was going to bed and was disappointed in him.
I could write chapters (like many of you, I'm sure) about all the crap I've had to endure these last couple of years. I do know for sure that if the newest one wasn't here, I would have left a year ago....until he mans up, he's not worth the trouble.
I too came from a very large
I too came from a very large blended family. My children are now 29, 27, 17, and his are 23, 21 and 17.....they all lived with us for the past few years for one reason or another..........economy ....unable to afford their own place......simply don't want to move out cause my BF didn't make any of them pay rent. We also had my handicapped MIL (cute but confused). She was paralyzed in a wheelchair and needed a 24/7 caretaker so we had them both r too in an inlaw (we shared the kitchen)......
Do you get my point without even getting into any more detail. Fights, problems, family dynmics,,,,,,,,,this one doesn't like that one or their bf/gf. This one parked in my parking spot. They're hogging the washer and dryer. So and so ate all the food. MIL alzheimers is kicking in and she's acting crazy.... OMG! what was I thinking!!! I am 51 yrs old! I lived like this for almost 5 years. My bf protects and defends his family to no end. It was a no win situation. We were never married so I just moved out a month ago with my children. Lots of hurt, pain ........the list goes on.......
It never seems to end. I wish I had an answer for you but I don't ........I'm beginnng to realize by reading all these stories on this wonderful website, which I'm so glad I found, that all this heartache is the best reason to try to keep a biological family together.......Things don't seem to get easier when you move on to someone else.....You just inherit alot more problems and family AND ex-family dynamics.
I am sad, but at peace living in my little apartment with 2 of my kids for month now. I miss my ex something awful but the drama I am living without just fine. I am fortunate that I can (barely) afford to live on my own. The bond between bio's is unbreakable. It's hard to get first place.in a busy home like the one you are in or the one I was in....seems like only having one step to contend with causes much grief according to some of the stories on this website........I wish you the best!
Never ceases to amaze how
Never ceases to amaze how like the rest of us God fearing people really are when they're backed up against the wall. He's a Pastor? Wheres the patience, objectiveness, empathy, understanding, and forgiveness?? HYPOCRITE!!!
I hear ya!
I hear ya!
"He's treating you as his
"He's treating you as his burden in front of his grown children" - love that expression SA. As so many times, you hit the nail on the head.
This makes me realiZe how
This makes me realiZe how much worse things could be and yet it sounds so lively. The comment about saving first marriages makes sense but people marry so young...
It seems like SK are the main problem ...but if they weren't around would it be something else? Relationships are all about control and power, w/o SK we'd prob fight about money and affairs and feeling trapped.
I wonder if intact first
I wonder if intact first families are any happier than the rest of us...my guess is no. It's all a struggle no matter what. We just have to accept our gladness where we find it.
Too true!
Too true!
OP...just ignore Blue Belle.
OP...just ignore Blue Belle. I know what it's like to live with a man (pastor or not) who only sees the few good qualities in his spawn and ignores all the bad qualities. Very frustrating.
So, as if this wasn't bad
So, as if this wasn't bad enough, he tells me that instead of doing what I want (him telling SD that he kept me in the dark with all three of us in the room), he talked to SD on the way to the drs. He actually told her the reason he didn't tell me was because he thought it would start an argument between us. REALLY??? Is SD part of our marriage? Am I wrong to think he crossed a line? I would never tell one of my kids the reason for anything that had to do with my marriage. I hate my life...
Stepmonster was the first
Stepmonster was the first book I bought when things went downhill - I tried to read parts of it to him, but he wasn't interested! It's been sitting on his nightstand for months now (along with Parenting with Love & Logic, The Love Dare, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, The Happy Stepmother, The Courage to be a Stepmom and a book about Adult Children who won't grow up) - can you tell how willing he is to work on this?
Pound of flesh comes from a
Pound of flesh comes from a Shakespeare play "The Merchant of Venice"
it references an early Hebrew custom in which a pound of flesh can be taken from a person who cannot pay their debt.
There is a story in which there was a dispute and the ruler allowed a pound of flesh to be taken and not a drop of blood... It might've been attributed to Solomon at some point, but I don't think it's truly a biblical reference.
Not that all that matters.
The root of the situation is that your DH is not placing you in the appropriate place of honor in his life.
I absolutely hate it when people who claim to be Godly and Christian try to intimidate others or beat them up with the scriptures.
AMEN to that!
AMEN to that!
I just hate it when people
I just hate it when people spout off excerpts from the Bible to make their point - even when it is a bunch of BS. Maybe you need a little amunition when he does this:
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
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Ephesians 5:28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
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Ephesians 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
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Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
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1 Thessalonians 4:4 that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable,
Your DH needs to learn a little bit of the humility that the Bible talks about.
Applause to you!!! So many
Applause to you!!!
So many "religious" men try to use the scriptures to justify being jerks, and tell the women what their job is, but don't read the parts that tell them what their job is.
I agree with LilyBelle. My
I agree with LilyBelle. My EH used to use scripture to justify his treatment of me and his favorite scripture he liked to pull out of the bag was the whole "wives should submit to their husbands" thing. :sick:
Well, now the s**t has hit
Well, now the s**t has hit the fan...we were in the bedroom (him on the ipad, and me on the laptop), and he is playing his games, and then says "This is about me, isn't it". I left the page open on the web browser and he read the whole post. Now he's mad...why? He says because it's public, and that I called him an a**hole. What I really think he's mad about is that he knows I'm right, and the truth hurts. He's downstairs in his study (visibly upset) and said he doesn't want to talk about it - he needs time to think. I'll be the one to pay for it though. He's a master of "stonewalling", and will get mad about something and not talk to me more than he has to for days. I tried to explain to him (that was stupid) that I have no support and how upset I was Wednesday night after all of this happened, and I needed someone who was in my shoes to validate me. He then asked me "Did you quit the Love Dare?" - at least I opened the book and made it through 6 days...he hasn't even looked at it. UGHHHHHH!
I hate when grown men act
I hate when grown men act like babies and pout. My DH does this too. When he starts with the pouting and sulking - go out and leave the house. Go shopping or visit a friend. It is no fun for the pouter to have noone around to notice LOL.
The problem is - it has been
The problem is - it has been OK for DH and skids to be attacking you like a pack of dogs. He now realizes you are not alone and unsupported, and it is a threat to him. The way he is approaching to resolve the skids issues is unhealthy and deep inside he HAS to know it but does not want to be revealed to the public.
For years I put up with the 'pack games' DH, SD and her hubby were playing, and I kept quiet, going off to lick my wounds by myself. When SD had her latest meltdown, I sought all of the support I could find: This site, friends, family. When DH found out he became very angry but I stood firm. I let him know he had his 'group' for years, now it was MY turn, and that I needed the support I wasn't getting from him.
It appears you are dealing with a man with quite an ego. It sounds as if he thinks he is ALWAYS right. I wish the best for you. Do not give up!
Be careful, and stay
Be careful, and stay safe!
Take care of you!!
He needs to take a good hard look at the scriptures and examine himself.
My DH recently noticed I was
My DH recently noticed I was on this site. I was tempted to shrink the pane immediately as he stared at the headline quizzically, then I thought no! I'm fully anonymised. So's he. So are you, OP. There is no way we general public can find out your identity. There is no shame to anyone. So I say, it's time for a spouse in the other shoes to realise that they are anyspouse, just as we all are, and actually a lot of the ways they (and we) are behaving are just demonstrations of predictable, anonymous, bog standard human psychology. If we posters can get free therapy by venting online, good for us and our thrifty approach! Let him read everything. Free therapy for him too. Bout time he knew how you really felt and if he's behind a bunch of anonymous strangers in his knowledge, bout time too for him to take his proper rightful place in your heart and know his wife.
Nothing for you to be ashamed of, everything for him to learn and gain.