Rock a bye baby
My partner (fiancé) whom I have been with for 4 years has a daughter who is 9 & is turning 10 in the next couple of months. The issue I'm having now is that lately she has been having these anxiety attacks when SD is away from her mom not so much when she is in school but if she is staying away maybe for a weekend & even in the house. SD & my partner spend a lot of time together & I mean a lot of time to the point that all she knows is her mom. In the beginning of our relationship we've had some struggles as you can probably imagine. At this point we still have some issues. At her age I had at least one BFF & others friends I would play with all the time. She really doesn't know how to be sociable. She doesn't like going outside with the other kids. The anxiety comes into play when we out on a date she will call multiple times to ask where are we, what are we doing, who are we with etc... We can't really enjoy our date because my partner will answer all the time & answer every question that she ask. We could all be in the house & she would know that we are there but will have to continuously come in our room to check or call our name to make sure we are there but more so her mom.
Well the real issue came about because I suggested that SD go to camp again this summer to be around other children. To have a life outside her mom. My partner says SD doesn't want to go & that she will plan the summer to do something for them to do every day to keep SD busy. I don't think that is a good idea especially being the fact that lately she has been more consistent with this anxiety thing. It's like a little child suffering from separation anxiety. SD desires a lot of attention. My partner treats her like a baby at times & I know she is the only child but their has to be some type of boundaries. She is getting older & this behavior is something different for me.
How do I handle this? How do I help my partner cut the umbilical cord? Do I just let things be as they are & hope she will grow out of it?
Tell your fiancé that he is
Tell your fiancé that he is doing his daughter a huge diservice. If he continues to do what he is doing (babying her), all that will do is stunt her social skills. My SS was almost exactly like this. My DW was not only her son's mother but her son's Geisha. She had to keep this kid entertained all the time. I kept telling my DW to stop but she wouldn't listen to me. Parents like my DW and your fiancé parent out of guilt. If the child is unhappy, they feel like they have to swoop in and "correct" the problem, but this only makes the situation worse in the long run.
DW realized what she was doing when one day we were all outside shovelling snow. SS (then 10 years old was outside with us too) "Mom! Look at me!", "Mom look at this big snowball I made!", "Mom look at me slide!"....It was so bloody annoying but I didn't say anything and DW would humour SS the whole time. Suddenly, my neighbor's kid (who was 5 at the time) came out. He saw SS and approached him. SS ran and hid! Imagine a 10 year old running in stark terror from a five-year-old! I laughed and laughed and LAUGHED! DW was extremelly embarrassed. She scolded SS, demanding to know what his problem was. The neighbor's kid just wanted to play with him. SS started crying saying he didn't want to play with anybody else but Mommy. That is when DW finally woke up. Since then, we make every effort to sign SS up for extra-curriculars and push him to call his school friends to go play with them.
I'd suggest to Mom that she
I'd suggest to Mom that she consider some counseling for her daughter (and herself), so that SD can learn how to separate from Mom, and Mom learns how not to be co-dependent.
I agree with the father and
I agree with the father and the kid needs him, needs her mom, too. Throwing a kid with mental problems or anxieties into summer camp (repeatedly) is not the right thing to do and will not straighten her out. It will create abandonment issues which will increase her anxiety.
It just seems like you are trying to get rid of the competition and don't care about his child because it will cut into your me time with DH. She needs her father a lot more than you do. Whatever is going on here has messed this child up and is not working out.
Most kids I've met under 15
Most kids I've met under 15 with anxiety it's fed and predominantly caused by a smothering guilty parent shoving them into social situations with kids their age is a good idea. Also usually it's the mother with more issues than the kid. Now I'm not saying young kids can't have an anxiety disorder. I just haven't met any that didn't have over smothering mothers