My advice?

Don't.

My advice?

DON'T DO IT! Maintain separate residences until A). The kids are 18 and gone or B). You decide to marry.

I honestly love my DH with all my heart and soul and wouldn't give him up for the world, but really, I wish we would've waited a while before moving in together. I missed my own space free from stepdevil14 and she was a constant downer all the time. I ended up staying in our bedroom or leaving altogether whenever she'd come over because she was such a horrible brat.

Anyhow, with that said, if you DO decide to move in with him anyway - have an escape plan. At least enough money saved up to move out immediately if the need arises.

Good luck!

I wouldn't move in with him until you're married, or at least engaged with a wedding date set in the near future. Tat was a huge mistake I made in a previous relationship, and the breakup was a terrible upheaval for everyone, including my son and his kids. That was my firm boundary with my now-DH.

I understand you have fallen in love with a single father, but make sure you do your research. Look around here and read everyone's stories. It wont be easy. My FDH thought it was important early on in our relationship for me meet his entire family and be involved. He talked to his son before we ever met and his son knew from the begining that I was never just a friend. He told his son that he loved me and wanted to share his life with me and that he was to respect me. He also told SS14 that if he ever disrespected me that he would go back to his mother's. I anticipate both kids will have trouble sharing their dad with you. You are so lucky that you wont have them full time and visitation is limited. Make sure you take care of yourself, their visits will most likely ware you out. Make sure to get plenty of massages and meet up with girlfriends to vent. If you have any girlfriends with kids, they will be most helpful. Some days you will question your sanity, wonder why you ever got involved with a single dad, and two skids are harder than one. But then you will remember why, you fell in love with a great guy that happens to have kids. I think its a good idea you both move into a new place at the same time to establish a home together and not you just moving into his home where he and his kids are already established. Welcome to the club and good luck.

You are walking into a SINKING HOLE!!!!!!!! Remember these words when it all blows up in your face. I don't mean this in a mean way but it is the REALITY of it.

The biggest mistake I made in my previous relationship was I waited too long to meet the man's child.

I dated my exBF for a year before I met his son. By that time, I was so in luuuuuuve with him, even though I saw the red flags with his son, I didn't want to pay attention to them.

My advice to you is spend as much time with the kids as possible BEFORE you move in with this guy. The relationship CAN work, but you need to watch for red flags. Trust your gut.

Talking about how things will go with the kids and your SO's expectation for you can be very different from what will really happen. Many women on here say they talked about things before getting married/moving in together, only to discover that their husband was a lot of talk and no action.

Are you OK with another woman dictating what goes on in your home? If this man is so scared of BM that he kept you a secret, she has far too much power. I wouldn't even consider this until he's demonstrated that he's not going to let her run him.

Are you OK with having kids every single weekend of your life? Do you realize what that means to your downtime and social life?

Have you discussed his expectations for your role in the home? Is he expecting you to care for his kids, cook for them, clean up, do their laundry, drive them places? Are you willing to do those things even when no one thanks you for anything and the step kids are being mean to you?

Does he expect the kids to behave, do chores, go to bed ontime or is he a Disney Dad? If not, are you OK with that?

Just some food for thought....

I wouldn't do it, if I could go back to when I decided to move in with the knowledge I have now. I told him that today. I would have stayed in separate houses. If you insist on moving in with him though, here are some pointers. 1) and absolutely most important. IMMEDIATELY establish a day of the week every single week where he either takes his kids and spends time with them or you let them have the house and you go do something. If they don't feel threatened with you taking away their time with their dad, they are less likely to run you through the gauntlet. 2) DO NOT PARENT THEM!!! If they are doing things that you don't like, go to him, tell him it is unacceptable, and make him deal with his kids. 3) DO NOT let him accept them disrespecting you. Just don't do it. If you find out that he is okay with them disrespecting you, the two of you will not have a happy life. I wish I could go back and do it all over again.

This has nothing to do with a ring and a date. This all has to do with being in a new relationship and all the lovey dovey feelings that come with that new relationship. Once that wears off the REALITY is (when there are kids involved that are not your own) the father will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS side with his kids and you will have the feelings of being the "invited guest" instead of the "mate". When it's all said and done, you will have ZERO say over discipline, alone time, and all the issues that come with being a family. It will ultimately undermine the relationship you think you now have.

Furthermore, the smoking gun in your case (a/k/a "nail in the coffin") as you yourself described above is the fact that he has avoided having you around his child. RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN You will only be hurt in the long run.

Okay, I'm not going to share the general negativity around here. Yes, there will be roadbumps. No, they are not insurmountable.

If I could offer any advice from my experience, it would be the following:

a) insist on and maintain good communication with your SO. If this requires couples counseling, do it.
b) Don't parent the teen. Frankly, I wouldn't parent either one of them, but I don't have experience with young, young skids, so I don't really know what's best. Be available, be friendly, but don't parent. Not your job, and they'll just resent it.
c) Never, ever, ever say anything negative about BM to the kids. Ever. Even if they are venting about her. Don't do it. It will come back and bite you in the butt.
d) Make nice food.

That has worked for me. Good luck!

Seriously, I think I would (knowing what I know now) give this a little more time before I moved in with him.

Get to know the children more and see how they interact with you.

See how he deals with BM. Is he always going to be afraid of upsetting her?

I agree with some of the others that his response and attitude towards the BM is a HUGE RED FLAG.

But if I went ahead and moved in:

I would not put your finances together. I would not start putting my money on those children except for Christmas or birthdays.

I would not discipline or take care of HIS children.

I would not do all of the cooking cleaning etc while they are there. They are his responsibility not yours.

I would not marry him until I see how he deals with setting boundaries for BM. He obviously is having some issues with standing his ground with her.

Do they talk every day? Do they text or talk about non-kid related things? Does she come and go in his house? Does she have the key to his house?

Do they sit together at kid related events? Do they have "family" events, out for dinner, to the park etc? Do they celebrate kids' birthdays and holidays together?

Is he afraid to tell BM NO? Or is he afraid of upsetting her but would rather keep the peace?

The answers to these questions will tell alot about how your life will be with SO.

My DH has had some of the same attitude and response regarding BM as your SO and it has been a uphill battle for the past 4 years. It has caused a lot of arguments and the only reason I stayed is because we are married and he has made progress. I wish I would have known how he felt before I married DH.

Men are more flexible usually before the marriage and not so much after so I would work on finding out how he feels now.

Take some advice from others here because it will only be to your advantage.

The last thing you want to do is get introduced to the skids and have them be told you are moving in with their father.

There is already drama on the BM front.

My advice, continue dating, get to know the kids and solidify your relationship with your SO. Do not move in with him. Keep your own space and see if this is something you really want.

Moving in together will make things worse and not better. You don't have any kind of relationship with this children and throwing them into this situation will bring about a ton of resentment. As well as drama from the BM.

Living with someone with kids is like being in the mob. Once you're in, it's sometimes impossible to get out.

Catgirl, I am happy that you have received so many comments, and I know they have given you a lot to consider. Here is one more thing: Your SO has been living in a house that belongs to a friend's late mother. Has he been paying rent? Is the invitation to move in with him a way to have you assume his living expenses? If that is the case, or if you even suspect it is, I would suggest that you wait on marrying for a while, and sign a lease in YOUR NAME ONLY, so if things go badly, you can have HIM move out, and your life can proceed. Or put the lease in HIS name only, and be prepared to leave yourself. Keep an exit strategy in mind as you go forward. You may not need it, but if you do, you will be prepared. Keep your power.

Since you say that this is your first time considering a serious relationship with a man who has children, and his first serious relationship post-divorce, my guess is that it is a fairly new relationship, and things may be going very fast. What's the rush? Marry (or move in together) in haste, repent at leisure. The attitude that he has toward his ex is very troubling. It sounds like he will do most anything to avoid conflict with her. If she is a high-conflict person, your step-life is likely to be rocky, expecially if his default is to give in to whatever she wants.

Since his children are with him only on weekends, perhaps he should rent another place alone for a year, as a transitional time, for you to be with him and the children together, and give you a chance to see how it goes without living together formally. It doesn't have to be large or fancy, and the two of you could be together at one of your apts. most of the time. Mainly, I think you should avoid being pressured by the sale of the house he lives in to move in with him. It sounds fishy, like he has ulterior motives.