Now she's saying I'm jealous!
Hi guys.
Just to give you a bit of background info, I've been with my so for a while - he has 2 daughters with his ex. The girls are fab, I love them to bits, our relationship is fantastic considering they haven't known me for too long and their mom has tried to poison them against me numerous times. Now I have set some boundaries with so, as when we first met bm would text/call him way too often. I suppose it was the norm to him and so he accepted/made calls and texts too. However, I wasn't happy with the amount of contact (as I'm sure her fiancé wasn't) and asked him to limit it. He has generally done as I've asked and now they tend to speak just via text, about the girls and only when necessary. Since then bm has really upped the ante with the amount of contact 'they need' to be good parents... It's obvious, she doesn't like how she no longer has control over my partner and her own. Now I know that no one likes it when an ex moves on. I wouldn't be too thrilled knowing my ex had moved on. I don't have any love for him anymore, in fact in retrospect I would erase that relationship from my life, as it was destructive but I believe that human nature tells us not to want someone we did love to be happier without us. Therefore, I can kind of understand the basis for bms thoughts (but not her behaviour). Likewise, it's difficult for us sms to accept that our sos once married and had kids with another woman. The thing is though, I have never felt jealousy towards bm. She isn't ugly but she doesn't have any natural beauty, I've seen pictures of her a while back and she really did look a mess (even on their wedding day she didn't look great), she has an up-turned pig-like nose... I don't say this to be spiteful but she isn't the best and nor am I.. But I think I have more of a fresh-faced look about me & natural hair/tan. The thing is I have always had low self esteem regarding my looks whereas bm seems totally oblivious to her imperfections and has gone through men like hot dinners! I am 22 years old and she is 31, I have a degree from college and a good job, she works in a low paid unskilled job (and claims to be ambitious), she cheated on my so twice and he left her because of it, one of the years isn't biologically my sos and she is with a man who doesn't see his own kids. Whereas so and I have a good life and are planning our own family and future... So there's the background info, if I say it myself my life is better than hers. So anyway, the other day she text my so saying him and her needed to 'talk', he said no... She went off her rocker, saying id ruined their friendship and was clearly jealous and threatened by her?! How dare she! I honestly can't comprehend how deluded she is... Why do bms tend to have so much confidence after the destruction they cause?!
I'm 23 forgot I'd just
I'm 23 forgot I'd just celebrated a bday * and one of the girls *
I just can't get my head
I just can't get my head around why she would be jealous though - yeah I mean surely its threatening to a mother's role when another woman comes on the scene and spends valuable time with your kids but she shouldn't have (and I believe wouldn't have) cheated if she loved my so, her ex. Thanks for your advice, I keep repeating the whole 'don't bite' sentiment to him with the hopes that one day she will back off!
Well, you are obsessing over
Well, you are obsessing over her. You just went on and one comparing the looks between the two. BM only has the amount of power to live in your head to the amount you allow her to exist there.
Your SO divorced her and moved on. If SO has set reasonable but strong boundaries (method and amount of communication, follows CO, refuses to allow BM to intrude on his parenting time, keeps the co-parenting to basically a business type partnership aka discusses necessary topics such as education, medical and perhaps serious behavioral issues pertaining to the girls)BM shouldn't be having much space in your home and head. I mean, she exist of course, she isn't going away, but she shouldn't be much of a threat. It's not like SO is going to go running back to her, odds are if it weren't for the two kids he'd likely never see or talk to her again. When she texted and blew SO's phone up with texts ranting about you, he didn't have to engage in it. There's a delete message button, he needs to learn to use it. He also should stop repeating everything 'bad' BM says about you. All it does is feed your insecurity and low self-esteem. No need for that. And no need for SO to listen to and/or read her opinions of you. Delete.
You mentioned somewhere here BM did the same thing to a previous female SO was with. It's not you personally she dislikes, it's just the idea of any woman. If she managed to run you off, she'd just hate on the next female too.
I understand what you mean,
I understand what you mean, yes I suppose I am obsessing over her but I can assure you I wouldn't be if she'd back off. Whilst he does try to limit contact, and in all fairness to him the contact from his part is just about the girls, I feel that sometimes his boundaries aren't strong enough and I feel as though I have to enforce the strength (I know that shouldn't be my role). I do it to protect the girls because surely watching their mother walking all over their father isn't good, to protect my so because he will often do anything for a quiet life but most importantly I do it to protect myself and my relationship because I couldn't sit back knowing she was constantly conversing with and getting her own way with my partner.
Thanks for your advice, I am fairly new to this all and am still in the midst of struggling to come to terms with and deal with the pain in my side (bm)! I will try to erase all negative thought (and thought of her from my mind) x
My DH's ex is like this. She
My DH's ex is like this. She recently said to me that until I came along everything was fine and obviously I ruined their good relationship. She said "he (DH) even wrote me a letter stating how he wants to work with in raising our son together!" Wrong sister! I wrote the letter for him! I could recite it word for word. He USED to just take the shit you dealt out and did whatever you said regarding SS7. I made him realize that he has as much rights as BM and he's exercising them. She hates the lack of control. Just keep being you and stay one step ahead of her. Doesn't sound like it would be too hard.
Its always the sm's fault
Its always the sm's fault isn't it, despite the fact that generally their marriage was over before we even met our now sms! Thats what it is spot on 'she hates the lack of control' you're so right there. As I mentioned in a previous post, when sm and I met I chose not to tell my parents about the kids and his divorce etc just in case it didn't last between him and I (I didn't want to cause them unnecessary stress and wanted them to love him for him)... when bm found out my parents didn't know she tried to tell so that I (someone she has absolutely no physical control over) HAD to tell my family about the girls or I'd NEVER be able to meet them! Its craziness but you're right I need to stop with the frustration and try to stop letting her take up head space whilst continuing to laugh at her ridiculous ways.
Any second you spend thinking
Any second you spend thinking out her and her evil ways is a second you are letting her have control. If it's unavoidable, get a private chuckle for yourself and just be the classy lady that you are.
Hi there, Issue is about
Hi there, Issue is about boundaries and separate lives. I know I wouldn't want my husbands x calling him all the time or texting him. That is odd. Sounds like she is trying to maintain some control over him. It is wonderful to have a positive co-parent relationship but friends? really? Does she think he really wants to be her bud now?
Age is another factor. Sounds like the confidence/attitude you are feeling from her is experience and maturity that comes with having children. Clearly mom wants to maintain her role as "mom" and wants to send you the message she is skilled in this way and more experienced. Treating you like a kid almost yourself. Which clearly you are not a kid.
From my point of view as a BM and a SM - I think understanding that when another woman comes into your kids lives it is really hard for a bm not to feel threatenend. I have had to wrestle with myself saying "my kids are my kids - and even though their step-mom is painting my daughter's nails and doing all this one on one time with her - I can't say anything". But I did cry the first weekend my kids went with her and my x husband knowing another woman was painting her nails. I had to say to myself "but she is being nice to them" over and over and over.
When emotions run high - stay out of the deal between the co-parents so you don't get lynched. I would let him handle her. Minimize contact and try not to push buttons with her. BM is going to want to feel in control still of her girls. She sounds like a challenge!!!!
However, I do think you have to push back as far as her texting, calling way too often cause she is interrupting your time with your husband and she lost that right when she cheated on him and decided he was not her #1 guy in her life.
Tell your husband you feel uncomfortable & want your time to be your time!!!!!
She is not a part of your life and need not be. I had to keep the BM of my step kids away from my house. She would not go away - she was constantly finding reasons to stop by on our time and stirring them up emotionally. Took me over a year to draw that boundary.
Good Luck & forget the whole looks thing. Beauty is on the inside and you probably have that won already!!!
I can honestly say my DH ex
I can honestly say my DH ex is prettier than me...she has a natural beauty, but a horrible soul! which makes her ugly as hell. I am younger that her too..
Stop comparing yourself to her..regardless of age or who has this and that...she is the BM so yes you are in a certain way jealous of her. and Yes she is jealous of you too. I was jealous of BM once upon a time...NOW? I laugh at what she has done in her life..i actually fell sorry for her, I don't compare our lives anymore I stopped a long time ago. I think I stopped when I moved in with my DH.