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Swearing and bad language... at 4?!

saffron1's picture

So last weekend, we had my SO's girls at ours and I was completely shocked by the youngest's language. Everyone and everything was an 'idiot', dinner was 'crap', she 'hated' her game, she said 'bloody', attempted to say f*** and when her doll wouldn't sit up straight to said to she wanted 'to kill herself'. Now I don't know where this language comes from, I'm not directly blaming BM but my SO and I rarely swear in front of the kids, maybe we occasionally say idiot to each other, when joking.. or something like that but by no means do we swear. SO said maybe the language is coming from play scheme but I highly doubt kids would get away with say f*** and regardless of where its coming from I think it should be tackled. The littlest has recently been in trouble at school for her attitude, perhaps swearing has been involved I'm not sure.
BM told my SO that she was going to see the head teacher and demanded SO went with him. So disagreed and said he thought it was better that they both tried, separately, to deal with her behaviour and thought taking it into school wasn't a good option - I agree, sometimes kids get labelled if it appears that parents can't control their behaviour. SO had a conversation with SD about her behaviour at school, told her santa's watching! Her language is still bad though - SO is conscious of being the only biological parent to discipline the girls, as he doesn't want them to dread coming to ours but when he shouts the girls listen. I told SO he should raise the issue of swearing/bad lang with BM but he's dubious as everything is always considered her fault through our eyes, but his family have said she can't discipline the girls and that her and her SO's relationship is a stormy one.. She has sworn a lot at my SO over text so I'm thinking maybe that's where the language has come from but I'm not sure.
Regardless, I think its really bad and embarrassing that a 4 year old is swearing (my dad would still shout at me now if I swore in front of him!) not sure how to tackle it exactly - wondered if anyone had any ideas?

jumanji's picture

>SO is conscious of being the only biological parent to discipline the girls, as he doesn't want them to dread coming to ours but when he shouts the girls listen.

Uuhh... there is a difference between shouting and disciplining. Changing that might be a place to start. "We do not use that kind of language on this house. When you speak that way, the consequence will be XYZ." No shouting, no yelling - simple cause and effect. I found making the offending child st on the steps, alone, within hearing of what the rest of us were doing, worked. If both misbehaved? One on the top step one on the bottom.

saffron1's picture

What I mean is if SO tells the girls off for misbehaving then they stop what they're doing, apologise and that's usually the end of it. Thing is though it's all very well but if their mother isn't disciplining them as well they may begin to dread coming to their dads. He's a great dad but it's finding a happy medium between discipline and having a good time together. As BM has the girls most of the time I don't believe it's SO's sole responsibility to stop the swearing

jumanji's picture

It IS his responsibility to stop it in his home. If telling them to stop the language is going to make them "dread" seeing him? There are other issues.

ETA: and maybe he needs to tell his family that it is none of their business if the woman he chsoe as the mother disciplines her kids or not. How is it their business?

saffron1's picture

It is his responsibility yes, it's also BM's it's something we can't tackle on our own without her support. However, instead of accepting issues regarding her kids, BM tends to play the name-game. Whilst SO should and does discipline in our home, the girls will continue to swear at school for instance, if the discipline isn't pushed in the home they love in most often (their moms).

jumanji's picture

And then it IS his responsibility to talk to his ex, and to their school, and not ust shrug it off. He really is dropping the ball.

Toni49's picture

I agree that you're going to want to nip this in the bud, Saffron1; there's nothing cute about a swearing 4 year old. They probably won't dread coming to their dad's if his behaviour is consistent, unlike what it probably is with their mother. Being disciplined isn't the worst thing for a child; being ignored or never knowing what to expect is. Best of luck to you in this.

saffron1's picture

That's very true actually, consistency is always the best way. It's hard to know, as a stepmother when and if I should step in.. Thanks for your advice!

saffron1's picture

That's very true actually, consistency is always the best way. It's hard to know, as a stepmother when and if I should step in.. Thanks for your advice!

MdMom's picture

I understand where your coming from with your SD swearing... My SD3 does the same thing. We were riding in the car the other day and she said to me, 'wholey sh*t look at all those cars.'
I simply told/tell her that that/those words are ugly and don't make her look like the pretty princess she is. Fortunaly she gets it and whenever she slips and says a swear word I just repeat myself. Needless to say she doesn't swear nearly as much when she is with us.

saffron1's picture

That's similar to what I said! I told the littlest that she was saying things that 'naughty boys' say when she is a 'lovely little girl'. We haven't got any problem with telling her it's just a worry that if their mom isn't so consistent that the bad behaviour will continue at school

jumanji's picture

Not just "naughty" boys use that language - so do naughty girls! Painting girls as pretty pretty princesses while boys are naughty is half the problem!

saffron1's picture

No I think I wanted some advice off other stepmothers not a battle of words with one

MdMom's picture

If you keep it constant at your home she will soon understand that its not okay to talk like that when she's with you.

FDH and I have gone to parallel parenting, SD knows how she should act at home, but when she's with BM that's another story. We tried the coparenting approach, FDH got tired of BM telling him how to parent SD. Especially when SD would get in 'trouble' with BM the day she came home. And BM would expect FDH to discipline SD for something that happened with her.

It's amazing how SD changes when she's with us... From the things BM tells us, SD is a completely different little girl when she's with us.

saffron1's picture

Thanks for the advice. We see a difference too, the girls do their spellings, drawing and bake with me and tell me they only play computer games etc at home (not necessarily true, kids aren't always truthful) but generally their behaviour is good for us. The little one knew she was doing something wrong by swearing, could see the cheeky look in her eye lol but as you say I suppose it's our responsibility to do what we can and for SO to tackle the bad lang regardless of what BM does