Well, you are hurt and entitled to your feelings, so no you are not being childish or unreasonable. It sounds to me like she is angry at you for doing the things you do, that her mother should be doing. Down deep she probably knows what you do for her and appreciates it.

My oldest ss lived with us full time, and the other two lived with bm...long story there, but the ss was a problem and she could not handle him. He did better with his dad. He pulled some of the same crap that yours does. My dh worked at 3am each day and I had to be the one to get him up and fed and off to school. I was in the mom role with him because I had to be. He would get ticked off at me and then go and call bm. She of course wanted to act like she cared,so she fed right into the drama. She knew me and what I was like, but those incidents gave her control and he knew it. She knew me well enough to know those things were false, but she played along and he in turn fed right into it.

In my case, it was when my dh had to absolutely intercede in the situation and tell him that the behavior was no longer tolerated in the house. It was work, a long process, and he was in therapy, but eventually things turned around. He is now a wonderful adult and we get along magnificently. I almost left my husband over him, but inside I felt like he needed me because at the time his bm was very unstable. I did not see myself as some savior, but she was a mess, so was my ss, and I was at least very stable. Years later he told me he appreciated it all and he regretted the way that he had treated me. I was a sm at 23, and a bm at 26. I read your post and felt bad for you, and I can relate. You posted that you were 30, and on my 30th birthday my DH had thrown me a surprise bday party. My ss told me about it that afternoon purely out of spite. That incident is what really got to my dh and helped to change the course. I was so very hurt and angry because he had done it deliberately to ruin the day. It was not ruined, but to think that a person could do something like that was very difficult. My dh realized that we had a problem. I have many other incidents like that one.

He lived with us full time from the age of ten until he moved out at age 22. He was six years old when we married and he originally lived with bm. We got along perfectly until he came to live with us. A lot of what he felt was anger towards his own mother which I did my very best to stay out of. Age ten through 15 were horrid. He was a great brother to our two though, and after the rough years he was a complete joy. We eventually became very close, and are today. There were a good many years I would have not thought it possible. As I said, my dh interceded and corrected him constantly about his behavior towards me. He simply would not tolerate it and would even go so far as make him apologize to me. He grounded him, took things away, and he no longer allowed him to contact bm when he was angry. He took the control away from her. I feel your pain and I know it is rough. If it makes it any better, I am glad I stuck it out. I consider it to be my greatest accomplishment in life. Your DH will have to totally get on board to combat this though. Good luck!!! I wish they had computers and this site when I was in your position! Use it to vent!

Here is what i think: you need to change your thinking about it. Some of what she is doing is stuff ( troubled?) kids her age do. I have a 13yo bio-son, who is a handful, who loves to tell me the same things your SD writes down: "this was the worst dinner ever, i hate you, why are you running my life?" What he often means is, "i am miserable in school, i want my freedom, i am mad at you for making me re-do my homework". It is easier to take all of the above when you have the bio-connection, but even then it is not always easy... so even if he makes me mad, i can tell him sweetly, "it's ok, honey, i love you anyway, there is nothing you can do to change it." But he can be very very difficult to handle.

At the age they are your SD and my son are barely able to appreciate everything we do for them, and are very reluctant to admit it. They need maturity, and one day they will see things differently. I found silentnites' story very encouraging.

Right now it is hard for you, and understandably so, but think about it like this: this girl wants her mom. Not having her mom makes her sad, mad, makes her act out. So she is mad - mad about something that has nothing to do with you. You are just always there, a foil for her anger. My son seems mad lately about my long-ago divorce from his dad. He wants a family that is "together". Before that he was mad that we had moved and he had to change schools. At 13 he does not know how to manage his emotions. Being disagreeable is his way of punishing adults for everything that he thinks is wrong with his life. He will outgrow it - we just have to weather the hard times.

Again, if i was his SM i would think he is the most hateful kid ever. But as his mom, i can see that there are themes behind his angry outbursts that he is grappling with, not always successfully. I want to help him. You SD is similar. She does not know how to say it, but she must feel awful about not being wanted by her mother. Give her the stability of affection that her mother cannot, fake it if you have to, but be there for her. She does not hate you - she hates her life. What she cannot see yet is that you are there to make it better, her mother is not there, and that's what makes it so bad. When the mom appears at soccer games, she cannot acknowledge you. It's a common occurrence with kids in her position. Forgive her, let her enjoy the mother's fleeting attention. She cannot negotiate this terrain gracefully yet.

Oh, this is my biggest fear! I'm 29. With DH for 4.5 years, married, 3 wks. We've lived together for 3.5 years. We have SS19 (almost 20), and SD10. I've always gotten along with the kids, especially SS. SD10 and I get along ridiculously well now, it was touch and go a few years ago because we had her EOWE and she had no rules. I sat DH down and told him I can't live with SD sleeping on the couch, not showering, cleaning up after her when she's old enough to clean up after herself etc. We went for a couple months with that resentment before DH stepped in and laid down the law. I didn't discipline much, not my place. Over time, I've gotten more power to discipline as I have her while he works. She has to clean her room before we leave house, but I do go in and staighten up and remove drawings or stories that I have stored away for her. The only bad thing I found written down was that I was mad at her for not eating the dinner that was made. She has now requested to live with DH and I full time. I'm afraid full time will change our relationship because EOWE isn't long enough to "hate" me. She doesn't have many rules at BM's house (no bedtime that I can tell, no family dinners, no respect for her things). She draws on her dolls and cuts their hair, things that are unacceptable to me.

I fear I'm going to be in your shoes in no time where she resents me for doing these things . I'm sure we can commiserate soon as this move is pretty much a done deal.