It's been about 5 years since my last visit to this forum. And while MUCH has changed, there are some things that are still, SADLY, the same. At my last stop here, my SD was begging to come live with us (from out of state), her mother was making it painfully difficult, and we were shelling out 10K to the attorney to make her wishes come true. Like her older brother who came to live with us for high school, she wanted to do the same thing. We got it done, and fast-forward five years, she is now finishing her freshman year in college. Overall, it has been a relatively decent several years, with only a few hiccups along the way. Most all of those bumps have occured surrounding situations where SD tells us one thing, and her mom/stepdad another, which happens consistently if she thinks they are going to be mad/sad/hurt about whatever the situation. Was happening when she was begging us to move here 5 years ago (said "I'll do whatever it takes....I'll talk to the judge....") and continues even today, as she continues to bear the burden of making sure mom/stepdad don't feel bad about anything, ever.

A little more background: I have always tried to go above and beyond....tried to overcome the "evil stepmom" stereotype. I've never tried to, or wanted, to replace her mother. Never been called Mom by my stepkids...don't need to. But I've been there for everything that she's wanted me to....never have missed a volleyball game, shopped for this/that, scheduled/attended every doctors appt, blah, blah, blah. I've always maintained open lines of communication with her mom. We share important info/pics, etc. However, over the years it became obvious that both SD and SS "got the message" that it is their responsibility to make sure Mom's feelings weren't hurt, that they were respobsible for her happiness. And it continues....

Recent situation prompting this post:
SD is finishing freshman year in college. She's on a full-ride scholarship in our state, a couple hours away. Historically, she has spent approx. equal amts of summer at our house and her mom/stepdads. Several weeks ago, she asked me when her little sister's (9yo) last day of school was "because I want to be here and spend every minute I can with her this summer." I told her June 1, to whit she replied, "ok, I'll plann on going to mom's right after school gets out and be back for Little Sister when she gets out. We agreed that we'd pay her what we normally pay our daycare provider for June. So yesterday, she talks to her mom, and voila, her flights are scheduled....with her returning 10 days later than we discussed. I asked her about this and she told me "well, it's only fair to mom"....same crap, 5 years later. She couldn't tell her mom that she WANTS to spend time with her sister and will be earning money doing it...."cuz her feelings would be hurt."

My feelings are hurt. I have done nothing but encourage, assist, love and nurture this girl since she was 4. She's confided in me how awful her mom and stepdad treated her during the move....guilt trips, etc. And the best I get is whatever she thinks I want to hear. She calls me to help her with school stuff, scheduling classes, etc.

So, I told her my feelings were hurt, and she apologized. I also said that I'm going to step back, and let her mother and father deal with her issues, problems, scheduling, etc. I told her I realize that I'm "only the step-mom, merely the lady married to your dad." I'm going to focus my energy and attention on our little one, and stop expending every ounce of energy I have on this young adult who continues to behave as she did as a 13 year old.

I feel sad, but it's time to let her parents parent her. I feel I've done more than I should, and all that I can, and it's really more than I want to do now. Is that too harsh? Feedback welcome and appreciated...